My husband and I haven’t been intimate in eight months. He knows I want a physical relationship, but he isn’t interested. I think it has something to do with his recent online affair, as well as an addiction to pornography (he’s still recovering). His porn use is affecting our sex life. I feel so hurt and rejected. How can I turn our situation around?
ANSWER:
Before we say anything else, we want you to know there is hope that your marriage can be healed and restored to wholeness. You’re not alone in what you are experiencing.
Why porn affects a couple’s sex life
Many porn addicts are sexually anorexic when it comes to marital relations with their spouse. Why? Because pornography separates normal sexual impulses from their natural context of a healthy, committed relationship. Instead, those impulses are reoriented around impersonal objects or wrongful lusts or fetishes.
The good news is that these pathological patterns can be reversed with time, patience, and appropriate treatment.
Don’t settle for pain
You mentioned that your husband is in the process of recovering from an addiction to porn. If he’s serious about that, he should be willing to do whatever it takes to make a complete recovery. Unfortunately, his behavior right now suggests that full recovery is a long way off.
There’s only one word for the pain and strain he’s brought into your marriage: sin. To save your relationship, you’re going to have to change your circumstances. And it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to do it alone. If your husband really wants to leave the past behind, he’s going to have to humbly join forces with you and get some outside help.
Steps toward healing from pornography addiction
If the two of you are Christians, sit down with your pastor
Talk about the spiritual aspects of the marital troubles you’re experiencing. The Bible is very clear that marriage is the one and only appropriate context for sexual activity.
Even more to the point, Scripture tells us that husbands and wives should “not deprive one another [sexually], except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that [they] may devote [themselves] to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt [them] because of [their] lack of self-control.”
An important principle frames this specific instruction: “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (I Corinthians 7:4).
Get the help of a licensed marriage therapist
A trained psychologist can help hold your husband accountable and guide him through the difficult process of breaking old patterns and healing past addictions.
To get started, call our Counseling department for a free over-the-phone consultation. A member of our team will be glad to give you a list of referrals to qualified counselors in your area. They’ll also walk you through the benefits of Focus on the Family’s Hope Restored marriage intensives, an approach we’ve found to be most effective in cases like yours.
Install accountability software
In the meantime, you may want to install accountability software. That’s not the ultimate answer to the complex problems your husband faces, of course. But it can play an important role in helping you keep tabs on the entire family’s online activities.
Resources
If a title is currently unavailable through Focus on the Family, we encourage you to use another retailer.
The Last Addiction: Why Self-Help Is Not Enough
False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction
Nothing to Hide: Hope for Marriages Hurt by Pornography and Infidelity
Digital Pornography Addiction: What You Need to Know and Where to Find Help
Referrals
Hope Restored: A Marriage Intensive Experience
