Focus on the Family

Ask the Tough Questions About Your Relationship

by Glenn Lutjens

Questions to Ask Yourself

Give that last question some thought.

The True Value of a Relationship

"Earlier, you mentioned 18 red flags; my friend only has two of them, so most don't apply to us." That may be true, but even one red flag could make the difference between a wise choice and a disaster when it comes to marriage. With no disrespect to premarital surveys (I believe in their value), it would be nice if you could simply take a test, identify red flags and green lights, give them a number value, and calculate if you should move forward or not. It's not that simple.

Many people get married because of a fear of loneliness, of not having anymore chances in life to find love. The thought that my friend is the last "fish in the sea" will tend to create desperation.  It's tough to keep in mind, but if you do end the relationship, over time you will likely find more opportunities. And even if you don't, your worth isn't based upon finding someone who will marry you. Other than Christ, no one on earth determines your worth. Like the moon reflecting the sun's rays, spouses can reflect the truth about their mates, but they don't make them valuable!

Is it possible that there might not be any red flags in your relationship now, yet issues arise later in your spouse? Yes, absolutely. There are no guarantees that a spouse might not walk away from you, God, or emotional health. What I've talked about here relates to red flags, some clear, some more obscure, which can be detected now. Don't rationalize, excuse, or ignore them. Find the goldmine, not the landmine.

If you're still concerned about your relationship, talk to someone. Feel free to give us a call here at the Focus on the Family Counseling department. Call us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (800-232-6459). Our licensed counselors or chaplains would love to speak with you and, if you would like, can direct you toward local Christian counselors.