John Fuller: Today on "Focus on the Family, we're going to take a comedy break with Tim Hawkins, who brings laughter to so many areas of life, as in this example about his mother.
Tim Hawkins: She used to give me good advice too late. (Laughter) Think about it, good advice, too late. Like when I was a kid, I hit my head on the corner of the table. (Sound of boom) (Laughter) "Careful." (Laughter and Applause)
End of Teaser
John: We're gonna join more from Tim Hawkins today on "Focus on the Family" with your host, Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller.
Jim Daly: Hey, John, we have covered some very heavy subjects on the broadcast recently, so I thought it'd be nice to lighten things up by featuring one of my favorite comedians, Tim Hawkins. He's best known for the Chick-fil-A song, which most of us know. It was a huge hit and has had over 5 million views online. In fact, if you add up all of his songs in comedy routines, Tim's work has received over 300 million views on YouTube. That is huge.
John: That is an amazing number and what's I think, equally amazing, Jim, is he keeps it clean.
Jim: He does and you know, he's a home-school father of four and I'm sure that gives him some good material. Tim has a way of finding the humor in some of the more stressful situations of life and I hope he's going to inspire you to look at the stress in your life in a different way. And maybe after today, you can find the humor there, as well.
John: Tim and his wife, Heather, live in Missouri and he's now performing at sold-out shows across the country and here now, Tim Hawkins from his DVD called Full Range of Motion, on "Focus on the Family."
Tim Hawkins: We're actually building a new home. We moved. We're building a house and it's goin' really well. And when I say it's going really well, I mean, aaaaah! (Laughter) They're just nickel and dimin' us to death, people. You know how it goes? You're just like, "Homes starting in the 200's." We're in the 500s now. (Laughter) They just don't tell you certain things.
We're sittin' down with the builder lady, you know, and she's at her keyboard and she's like, "Okay, thanks for coming to us today. I just want to sit you down and go over some of the options, some of upgrades for your house. You don't have to do this. You don't have to." (Laughter) They're options. (Laughter) Why are my fingers doing this? I have no idea. (Laughter) I'm a bird or an angel. (Laughter)
"Yes, okay, let's see here, [I'll] just throw some out here if you want 'em. Let's see, are you going to be wanting doors? (Laughter) That's a good [idea]; I would, too. I would, too. (Laughter) Yes. Running water, is that something you want, too. Oh, yeah (Laughter), yeah, me, too. A lot of the younger couples are getting that." (Laughter)
Yep, flew into Dallas, got me a rent-a-car. Of course, in Dallas, well, who built Dallas? I want to know that really. (Laughter) It's like, "Let's let the people move her, then we'll build the roads." (Laughter) Yeah, that's a great idea. You guys got bridges everywhere here and bridges all over the place. I saw one; I don't know where, like up by-35; the bridge is stopped right in midair. (Laughter) You guys say "off ramp," you ain't kiddin'. (Laughter and Applause) "He's off the ramp now." (Laughter) It's beautiful; sparks and metal flew. (Laughter)
But I got my Rent-A-Car in Dallas and you know, I had the GPS. [It] tells you what to do. That's beautiful. That's so nice, drivin' along, "Turn left now." (Laughter) "Turn right up ahead. Turn around and go the other way." (Laughter) Then I get into Dallas. "You're on your own."
Audience: (Laughter and Applause)
Tim: "Your guess is as good as mine. (Laughter) Good luck and may the Force be with you, Luke." (Laughter) I love the GPS and when you make a wrong turn, do somethin' bad, it's like, "Recomputing." (Laughter) "Recomputing," not "You moron, no." (Laughter) "You idiot, no. Recomputing." Love that. I want life GPS; that's what I want, you know. Just tell me what to do in my life. "Your fly is down." (Laughter) "Purchase gum; your breath smells like a sewer." (Laughter)
But what we need is marriage GPS, guys, marriage GPS. Wouldn't that be awesome? (Cheers and Applause) Just tell us what to do. (Applause) Guys don't know. "Say something about her hair." (Laughter) "Hey, what's up with your hair?" (Laughter) "Recomputing." (Laughter) The GPS, though, that's funny. I love the GPS; it's really cool.'
I wish they had redneck GPS. "Turn left at Walgreen's." (Laughter) "You're gonna see a pit bull and a go-cart." (Laughter) "But just keep a goin'." (Laughter) "No, you went up [the wrong way]. Rec[omputing, rec[omputing]. We're doin' it again. Doin' it again." (Laughter and Applause)
You need GPS. I mean, 'cause you ask people for directions, you know and a lot of people, they just don't know. You ever been in a small town [and] you have no idea how to get anywhere and you ask some old guy for directions? "Hey, how do I get to the mall?" "From here?" (Laughter) "No, from Pakistan. I was gonna start from there. (Laughter)
I think we have too much technology. I don't know if you guys have seen this, the Quattro razor for men? (Laughter) Four blades, four. (Laughter) It's too much. I got one. It's like the first blade grabs the hair. The second blade grabs the hair a little bit lower. The third blade chops the hair off at the root. The fourth blade takes a hunk outta of your cheek (Laughter) about the size of a tea bag. Why don't they have a fifth blade? Put me out of my misery. (Laughter)
Lazy technology, the electric toothbrush, that always made me laugh, the electric toothbrush. What is brushing your teeth too strenuous an exercise (Laughter) for some people? (Laughter) You have people goin' (Laughter), "Oh! (Laughter) Man, I am really feelin' the burn here. (Laughter) I wish this thing had a motor on it." (Laughter) Why don't you just have electric deodorant, aarrh! (Laughter) Like some people have, they have a rubber grip on their toothbrush. Brushin' your teeth too fast there? (Laughter) Rmmm, blah! (Laughter) I need to get some stick-em or something. (Laughter)
The last year for Christmas I got the laziest gift from my kids. They got me an alarm clock that projects the time onto the ceiling. (Laughter) 'Cuz y'all know how hard it is to go (Laughter)No, no, this has gotta stop right here. (Laughter) This is why I need a Red Bull. This is takin' it all out of me. (Laughter)
You ever live with somebody that's lazy. Isn't that fun? Livin' with a lazy person. My brother was the laziest individual in the world, my older brother. You just saw him. (Laughter) (Coughing) He was a guy, he would never throw the milk jug away. He'd empty out a milk jug, put it right back in the fridge. (Laughter) I'm like, "Dude, throw the thing away. Ain't nothin' in it." He was like, "There's stuff in there. There's still milk in there." (Laughter) So I get out to the light. I'm like, "Hm. (Laughter) You mean that thin glaze at the bottom there, Hoss." (Laughter) "Oh, that's perfect, 'cause I was gonna have a corn flake later. (Laughter) Yeah, and this is gonna get it nice and soggy, uh-huh. (Laughter) The luck is mine." (Laughter)
Lazy folks, we are all lazy. You guys ever be puttin' gas in your car and you know that little latch that kick stand that holds the thingy? Don't you hate it when that's broke? (Laughter) Doesn't that just ruin your day? (Laughter and Applause) You're there goin', "Oh, no ! (Laughter) I gotta hold it now! (Laughter) Come on! What are we, in the Middle Ages? Let's go! I'm gettin' carpal tunnel over here. (Laughter) I wanted to sit in the car while it was pumpin', (Laughter) listen to my motivational tapes (Chuckling)." (Laughter) That ain't happenin'.
Pumpin' gas, man. You guys ever prepay your gas? You give 'em like 10 bucks and they set the pump for you. Well, that goes real fast until that last gallon for some reason. (Laughter) What's that all about? You're like, one dollar, two dollar, three dollar, four dollar, five, six, seven, eight, nine dollars and 91 cent (Laughter), nine dollars and 91-and-a-half . (Laughter) Like "Keep your eight cents. I got things to do!" (Laughter)
I was in Florida not too long ago. I saw a sign on the gas pump that said, "Do not siphon gas with your mouth." (Laughter) You need that sign. (Laughter) Can you see some old boy one time, you know, he's putting his gas in. "Hm, well, I put my card in. (Laughter) Flicked that little switch. (Laughter) Maybe I need to start siphonin' the gas with my mouth. (Laughter) Seems to be the next logical step, me just start suckin' on the end of this nozzle." (Laughter) Keep (Chuckling) goin'. (Laughter) Do not try this at home. (Laughter) Oh.
Y'all ever seen these commercials for these pills, this medication you take. It's like one pill for one thing, but they list like 100 side effects (Laughter), just like they're just scrolling for a minute. And you're thinkin', is that really a good trade? (Laughter) That can't be a good trade. You have people goin', "Well, I can take the headaches, nausea and vomiting if it'll make my elbow feel better. (Laughter) It's really worth it; it is. I mean, I've been taking it, ooh! Aah! Aah! I can move it around (Laughter), play with the kids and I, Uugh! Uuh! Eeh! Uh! Ehhuh! Buhaa! Eeh! I got full range of motion here." (Laughter and Applause) Crazy.
I was watching one of these. I was watchin' the Cartoon Network with my kids recently. I saw a commercial like that. It was a pill for bladder control issues (Laughter) on the Cartoon Network, bladder control pill. You know what the first side effect was? Diarrhea! (Laughter) Like no thanks; I'll take the lesser of two evils just now. (Laughter) Yeah, I'll mull that one other, uh-huh. (Laughter) No, I'll play the hand that fate has dealt me. No, you go ahead. (Laughter)
John: Comedian Tim Hawkins on "Focus on the Family" and you won't want to miss his take on how we Christians tend to say prayers that just don't make sense. That's coming up in just a moment. Now get the CD or audio download of this program or a DVD or Tim's entire show, which includes some of his fun song parodies, when you call 800-A -FAMILY; 800-232-6459 or www.focusonthefamily.com/radio. Let's go ahead now to more humorous observations from Tim Hawkins on "Focus on the Family."
End of Program Note
Tim: I noticed there's this woman's clothing store I see a lot, a lot around here, woman's clothing store. The actual name of the store is The Dress Barn, (Laughter) a dress barn. (Laughter) That's the best name you could come up with there; that's (Laughter) … that's the one you want to go with. (Laughter) [Don't] think I'm ever takin' my wife to a place called The Dress Barn. "Honey, let's go to The Dress Barn." Recomputing. (Laughter) Sorry. (Laughter) Dress Barn, what are the people like that work at The Dress Barn. Can I help ewe! (Laughter) Aaaah! (Laughter) That blouse is right over heeer! Yaaah! (Laughter) It's only 20 buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, aah! (Laughter) Aah! (Laughter and Applause) Aah! (Laughter and Applause) Interesting, Barn. (Laughter)
But now I got three kids of my own and like you try to give 'em good advice, you know. I try. I'm tryin'. I'm doin' the best I can. Sometimes parents, we just fail at advice. I remember my mom when I was a kid. She used to give me good advice too late. (Laughter) Think about it, good advice, too late. Like when I was a kid, I hit my head on the corner of the table. (Sound of boom) (Laughter) "Careful." (Laughter and Applause)
Moms are a big help when you lose somethin' aren't they? (Laughter) You know, somethin'? Your mom is just not a help at all. "Hey, mom, I can't find my wallet." "Well, it's gotta be somewhere." (Laughter) Like "That's good; I thought I was goin' crazy for a minute. (Laughter) I thought I was lookin' for somethin' that didn't exist. Thank you." (Laughter)
And then they go, "Where'd you leave it last?" (Laughter) You're good. (Laughter) Thanks, Captain Obvious. I was on a totally different track. I was lookin' where I left it first! (Laughter)
Mom was the worst nurse in the world. Some women as they're parenting, mothers, you do the same thing no matter what's wrong with the kid. You tell 'em to do the same thing, especially women in the South when I was a kid, "Mama, I don't feel good." "You need to sit on the pot." (Laughter) "You need to sit on the [pot]. Yeah, (Laughter) it's ancient wisdom that only I can conceive." (Laughter) "Go sit on the pot; you'll feel fantastic, I'm telling you." (Laughter)
"I think I broke my leg." "You need to go sit on the pot." (Laughter) "Okay. (Laughter) Okay, I'm trusting you." (Laughter) "It's still kinda throbbin' (Laughter), Marcus Welby. I don't think this is it." (Laughter) I can see her at my funeral. "I told him to sit on the pot." (Laughter) "I told him. He never listens to me at all."
Some of you ladies, look, ladies, Vicks VapoRub does not cure everything. (Laughter) "Rub some Vicks on it." "Okay. (Laughter) It's bleeding." "I don't care; just rub it in." (Laughter) You guys ever, you know, you go to bed, your mom puts that Vicks VapoRub on your chest all over. Wasn't that the longest night of your life? (Laughter) You're there, ooh. (Extended Laughter) "I think I'm at Woodstock. What am I [doing]? (Laughter) Ooh!"
My kids are crazy though. Man, they're nuts. I say I love 'em to death. I mean, I got a little boy. He's just crazy. I was walkin' down the stairs one time. I saw him eating a Milk-Bone dog biscuit. (Laughter) He's my third child (Laughter), so I let him. (Laughter and Applause) Yeah, you parents know exactly what I'm talkin' about. You do. (Laughter) It's not that you don't love 'em as much. You just don't care about certain things. (Laughter) You're just a little more lackadaisical about certain issues. (Laughter) Eatin' a Milk-Bone, I'm like, "Sure, go ahead. Eat the thing. (Laughter) It's probably good for his teeth. (Laughter) Look at that shiny coat. Look at that. (Laughter) He's beautiful. Get the Frisbee. Go get the Frisbee. (Laughter) Get the Frisbee." (Laughter)
I don't know. And when my son was 3, [you know] boys, they just make up games like they want to hurt themselves. They do. I'm like out in the backyard one time. My son comes out. "Hey, dad! Throw that brick at me and see if I can get out of the way." (Laughter) "Yea!" (Laughter) It's called "Dodge Brick! It's great!" (Laughter) "Fling one right at my head and don't tell me when you throw it. (Laughter) I'll try to listen for the whiz." (Laughter) He's my third child. (Laughter) Don't you judge me (Laughter and Applause), 'cause it wasn't until that brick left my hand, I was thinkin', "this is probably not a good idea." (Laughter) Let's (Sound of swoosh) "Oh!" (Laughter) "Careful!" (Laughter and Applause) Yeah. "Oh, go sit on the pot son; go sit on the pot. (Laughter and Applause) I don't know why, just do it. I got some Vicks. I'll be right back. (Laughter)
I do a lot of comedy in churches though. I go to some really cool churches and some really messed up ones. (Laughter) No offense. (Laughter) No offense; no offense. I do. If you're not a Christian here, I mean, that's cool. We're glad you're here, but you gotta know, Christians, they use language sometimes in like code, like it doesn't mean what we're saying.
We have this phrase "servant's heart." Do you ever hear that phrase, "servant's heart?" I hear that all the time. "Tim, you've got a servant's heart, dude. You have got a servant heart." (Laughter) See, I hate it when somebody says I got a servant's heart. It means they want me to start stackin' chairs (Laughter and Applause), you know.
I love the way people talk about their church. It's like a code, you know. It's another code. Do you hear someone say about a place, "I love it there. I love the music there?" Well, that means the preaching stinks. (Laughter) That's a bad one. (Laughter) Yeah, you see what I'm sayin'? Yeah, you know where I'm goin' with this. They say I love the music. Well, I love the preaching, that means the music stinks.
You hear somebody say about a place, "I love it there. No one judges me and I can be who I want to be." You're at a bar. (Laughter) That's where you are. (Laughter and Applause) Keepin' it real, folks; keepin' it real. (Laughter)
I think the way we pray, prayer is a powerful thing, but I think when you grow up in church, it's that you hear prayers all the time in different styles and stuff and little quirks that people have when they pray. I don't know, little phrases that I don't understand to this day. But we use the phrases, but that's just what we heard growin' up.
We think that's just the right thing to say when we pray, you know, like "hedge of protection." You ever hear that? I hear that a lot, hedge of protection. "Tim, we are praying a hedge of protection around you, buddy. (Laughter) That's right, a hedge, (Laughter) around you and your whole family." (Laughter)
A hedge, huh? (Laughter) I don't mean to complain. Is that the best you can do? (Laughter) How about a thick cement wall (Laughter) around me, with some razor wire on top of that bad boy?" (Laughter) Hedge of protection, get you a set of clippers, get right through that thing. (Laughter) I'm sure the devil's got a set of those. (Laughter) I mean, you think a hedge is gonna scare the devil away?
Well, he's like, "What is this greenery? (Laughter and Applause) I can't get through that. (Laughter) Move that bush. My greatest weakness is landscaping. How did they know?" (Laughter) That's how the devil walks, like this, whoo. He has a pointy tail, he doesn't want to step on his tail. (Laughter) And he talks like a game show host. "What is that thing?" (Laughter) "Fantastic!" "You get the turtle wax." (Laughter) (Sound of foom) (Laughter)
Forget the last 30 seconds ever happened in your life, I know. (Laughter) Some people like when they pray, they get nervous and they say "just" too much. You know, we pray in a small group, it's like, "Lord, I just want to just … we just … we just … we just, come be just and spare us." (Laughter) "Just, we just, just and "justing" it and just vacation. And just … we just … and we just …" And you're like, "Just finish the prayer. (Laughter) You're just not ready for this. (Laughter) Start stackin' chairs. (Laughter) Come back next week and try again. (Laughter)
My dad does this when he prays. He uses "Father" way too much when he prays. "Father, we come to You, Father, in the Spirit of Father, Father, You're our Father. We come to You, Father, Father, just God … Father, Father … I just … just You, Father, Father." (Laughter) You don't talk to your friends like that. "Ed, Ed, come over, Ed, Ed, Ed, you are Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed. Ooh, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed." He wouldn't be your friend anymore if you did that. (Laughter) Like he keeps sayin' it. My name's Joe. (Laughter)
The best though is the way people pray over food. That's the funniest. When we pray over food, we don't know why we say it. You ever heard this one? "Lord, bless this food and the hands that prepared it, (Laughter) the hands that prepared it." Why not the whole body? (Laughter) No, just the hands. (Laughter) It's like Jurassic Park, "Eee! Eee! Eee!" (Laughter)
I love this one over food. Sometimes we pray over food and ask God to make up for our bad choices when we eat. That's funny. (Laughter) No matter what it is, "Lord, bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies. Lord, bless this bag of Cheetos (Laughter) and this jumbo Dr. Pepper, Lord. (Laughter) Somehow make this nourish us in some way. (Laughter) I don't know how You're gonna do it, Father, but we just trust in You now. (Laughter) Father, change the molecular structure of this food, this complete trash we're about to shove in our gullet. (Laughter) Change the Cheeto into a carrot stick on the way down. (Laughter) Spirit of low carb, rain down on me now! (Laughter) I pray a hedge of protection around my pancreas, Lord, (Laughter) right now. (Laughter) Intervene!" (Laughter)
Jim and John: (Laughing)
John: Well, we're gonna end right there for today's message from Tim Hawkins on "Focus on the Family" and Jim, is that a guilty look on your face?
Jim: Yeah, it was, yeah. Hey, stop lookin' at me. (Laughing) I'm so busted, John. I can't tell how many times I wished a prayer like that would work when I've been (Chuckling) overcome by the temptation to maybe eat something that wasn't so good for me. I've found myself thinkin', "Oh, Lord, don't let this one count," (Laughter) like French fries or something.
John: Oh, yeah.
Jim: But I really hope Tim's message today has helped you find the humor in a stressful situation in your own life and we'll share one more thought from Tim in just a minute to end on a high note.
And if you liked the DVD, which includes extra content and many of Tim's song parodies that we know so well, get in touch with us.
John: The number is 800-A-FAMILY; 800-232-6459 or stop by www.focusonthefamily.com/radio, where you can get that DVD for a gift of any amount. Our program was provided by Focus on the Family and on behalf of Focus president, Jim Daly, I'm John Fuller, thanking you for listening and as promised, one final thought from Tim Hawkins.
Jim: And this is great.
Tim: I noticed in a lot of airports there are luggage stores (Laughter), luggage stores in airports. (Laughter) I'm lookin' around; it looks like everybody's got luggage taken care of. (Laughter) Did you ever see a guy with an armful of clothes (Laughter). "Man, I wish I had some kind of container, (Laughter) maybe with a zipper and a "pully" thing. I don't know if they make those yet. (Laughter)
End of Clip
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