Adopting Children

Legally, adoption is defined as the transfer of the parental rights of a child from one set of parents to another. Once an adoption is finalized, the adoptive parents are legally (and otherwise) the parents in every sense of the word. But leaving the definition at that misses the heart behind adoption, particularly for us as Christians.

Let's step back and look at the big picture. Ephesians 1:4-5 says, "For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will."

As John Piper so eloquently puts it, "adoption … is greater than the universe … Adoption was part of God's plan. It was his idea, his purpose. It was not an afterthought. He didn't discover one day that against his plan and foreknowledge humans had sinned and orphaned themselves in the world, and then come up with the idea of adopting them into his family. No, Paul says, he predestined adoption. He planned it."¹

For some reason, adoption can have a negative stigma associated with it, partly due to the horror stories we've all heard. But what we have to remember is that adoption is designed to bring healing to a child that has been abused, neglected, abandoned or unable to be cared for by birth parents. It's because of this that adoption is even an option.

Families considering adoption first need to agree (particularly mom and dad) that it is something your family should consider further. It's also important to evaluate the reasons for considering adoption as well as any expectations. Adoption has to be focused on the needs of the kids rather than the needs and desires of the adults. Take the time to evaluate your motivation in adoption. If it is to "round out your family" because you want a girl or to fill an unmet need to be a parent, your tendency will be to put your needs before the child's needs, which doesn't help anyone.

Once you decide that adoption is the right decision for your family, the next step is to decide which type of adoption you will pursue and to select an appropriate agency. From there, the agency will walk you through the other steps such as paperwork, a home study, background check and training.

Adoption Options

Adoption options include domestic foster care, domestic infant, international, open, closed and embryo.

Adoptions can be divided into three main categories: domestic adoption from foster care, domestic infant adoption or international adoption.

Currently, approximately 127,000 children and youth are in US foster care awaiting adoption into a permanent family. Because their birth family was unable to provide a safe home for them, their rights were terminated, leaving these kids as legal orphans. They are currently in the custody of the state, and case workers are consistently recruiting new adoptive families

These kids tend to be older, have siblings in care and are ethnic minorities. In addition, many struggle with emotional, mental or physical challenges. Adoption from foster care should be completed through a licensed agency and generally costs less than $500 (if anything at all).

In a domestic infant adoption, a birth mother makes an intentional adoption plan for the baby. Often this involves working directly with a licensed placing agency that will facilitate the adoption between the birth mother and the adoptive parents. Agencies licensed to do this often have many potential adoptive families, and the birth mother frequently has some level of input on who the adoptive family should be.

Domestic infant adoption can be relatively expensive, and it can involve a lengthy waiting period, particularly for families that are very specific about the child they're waiting for. However, for families only considering infant adoption, this tends to be the best option. Families should research the agency they desire to work with to be sure it is reputable.

International adoptions involve adopting children from another country. Not all countries are open to adoption by US citizens, and not all agencies are licensed to facilitate adoptions from all countries. Because it involves two federal governments, families must meet the adoption requirements for each country.

Before starting down this path, take the time to research agencies and ask question in order to identify those agencies best qualified and experienced to complete the adoption. International adoption is also typically expensive, and the wait can be lengthy. It's also important to understand that a country reserves the right to deny an adoption or close adoption proceedings abruptly if they deem it necessary or appropriate regardless of the number of families currently in the process.

One thing to consider when looking into adoption is open versus closed. In a closed adoption, the birth and adoptive families have no contact with one another and don't even know each other's identities. Levels of open adoption can range from contact only before and at the birth of the baby, letters and pictures sent through the agency or other third party, or ongoing direct contact between the birth and adoptive families.

It's always important to evaluate the needs of the child when determining how open an adoption should be. In some situations, it may not be healthy for a child to maintain contact with birth family if, for example, they will be a negative influence on the child or will not respect the rights of the adoptive parents.

A new option available to parents, and one that is especially attractive to infertile couples, is "embryo adoption." Couples who are attempting pregnancy by in vitro fertilization often create more zygotes than are used, which are subsequently frozen for storage. The genetic parents may choose to place these zygotes for "adoption," making them available to another couple for pregnancy through an embryo adoption agency. They are then implanted via in vitro fertilization into the adoptive mother, making her also the legal birth mother — able to experience pregnancy, childbirth and nursing.

Adoption From Foster Care

Although many children in foster care have special needs, they are in need of a family as much as any waiting child.

"There is never so much love in the world that reaching out is a bad idea." 
 — an adopted child.

Currently, nearly 500,000 children and youth are in the United States foster care system. These children have all entered the system due to abuse, neglect or abandonment on the part of birth parent. Of those kids in foster care, between 120,000 and 130,000 are considered legal orphans and are awaiting adoption into a permanent family. For these kids, birth parent's rights had to be terminated because they were unable to provide a safe and secure home for the kids. Now they are waiting for someone to give them a second chance.

Often, prospective adoptive families disregard adoption from foster care for any number of reasons, but it's important to recognize these kids need help just as much as orphans anywhere else in the world. Because they are in foster care and not on the street somewhere, we have wrongly assumed they are getting all the care they need.

The reality is that kids in foster care move from home to home for any or no reason at all. Many feel unwanted and unloved as they have no permanency in their lives. The fact that they have their basic needs met — a roof over their heads and food to eat  — pales in comparison to the need for a permanent and consistent family.

Many children in foster care may have one or more special needs. These needs include: siblings also in need of a family, prenatal exposure to drugs or alcohol, developmental delays, are older than five or are minorities. The sooner they find permanency, the better. For the majority of these kids, they have been given a label or a stigma that tends to identify them as "not good enough" or "second class." But we know the reality — these kids are as loved by God as any child.

Adoption from foster care costs virtually nothing and is often less than $500. In addition, many expenses may be reimbursed through the state. Most states also provide Medicaid coverage for a child until they are 18 regardless of when an adoption was finalized. A licensed agency in your state can specifically address the particular assistance available.

In some instances, the special needs of a child are not particularly difficult for a family to address as they may have insight or experience in a particular area. However, having lived through difficult circumstances that often lacked stability and consistency, many of these kids also struggle with emotional challenges. No matter the needs, being realistic about them and planning ahead on how to deal with them increases the likelihood of success.

Many children will frequently test their parents, often because it takes time for adoptive parents to prove that they are really in it for the long haul. Older child in particular may need help unlearning some of the "survival skills" they learned along the way. Remember, kids in foster care are frequently moved from home to home for any or no reason and lack the stability of a permanent family. If you're like the other families they've been placed with, kids figure they'll only be with you for a short time and will be hesitant to really form lasting connections. Again, it's about the needs of the child and providing what they need rather than letting the needs or wants of the adults interfere.

It's important to take time as a family to really evaluate if you are able to meet the child's needs — emotional, medical, physical, cultural, etc. Set aside time to talk and pray together about the changes your family will need to make. Attend counseling and support groups as much as necessary, and be sure to ask for help and support when needed.

Once you've made a decision to further pursue adoption, be sure to talk with other adoptive families as well as other families that have used the same agency you're considering. Then, begin praying about the specific child God wants to set into your family and prepare to welcome him or her home!

For more information on adoption from foster care in your state, visit iCareAboutOrphans.org/StateAdoptionRequirements.aspx.

Preparing for Adoption

The more information a couple has when pursuing adoption, the more prepared they will be for any problems that may surface.

In some ways, adoption is like pregnancy. Both are filled with expectations and the hope of an expanded family, but it is also a time of uncertainty. It is critical for families to evaluate their expectations and be realistic about their limitations. Certainly God is in control of our circumstances, but it's important to pay attention to His voice throughout this process. The better prepared your family is, the more you'll feel ready to navigate the waters of adoption.

1. All adoptions involve some level of "red tape." Sometimes families pursue one type of adoption over another because of a perception of less hassle. Regardless of the type of adoption, there is always a fair amount of paperwork and contact with the government (sometimes multiple state or federal governments). However, the focus should not be on the ease or difficulty of the process. Trust that the Lord will use this time to mold you even more into the parents you need to be for a specific child. The important thing is that a child will find the permanent adoptive family they need. Remember to keep this perspective in mind and focus on the needs of the child when going through the process.
2. Unfair expectations prior to adoption can prove to be most unhelpful further down the road. Do not anticipate that the child will be thankful that you "rescued" him from a bad home or "saved" her from abortion. Also, do not expect the child to show and receive love in typical ways, particularly when a child has experienced tremendous hurt prior to coming home. Remember, adoption is all about the adoptive family meeting the needs of a child, not about the child meeting any of the needs of the adoptive parents.
3. Parenting a child who was adopted (particularly if not adopted as an infant) is not the same as parenting a biological child. Sometimes adoption gets a bad rap because we have heard stories of families that have really struggled after welcoming a child home. The important thing to remember is that adoption isn't the problem. Instead, something went wrong (in some cases terribly so) that caused that child to be removed from their birth family. Adoption is the mechanism to try and bring healing to that child's life. And depending on the child, this can be a very difficult process. Allow the child to express his grief at the loss of birth family, and do not dismiss his feelings of rejection. Some children struggle with identity, personal control and intimacy, and it's important to walk with your child through these struggles rather than ignoring his fears and concerns. Instead, be willing to be flexible with the type of parenting your new child needs. It may not be the same as the other children in your home, but that's ok.
4. In some instances, there may be additional monetary costs than originally predicted. Find out exactly what the agency covers and what other expenses may arise in the future. For example, international adoptions may require one or more trips to the country you're adopting from. If working with a birth mother, there may be some medical costs not covered by her insurance that she may ask the adoptive family to cover. However, many adoption-related expenses may be reimbursed by the state or the federal government.
5. When adopting an infant, be mindful that the birth mother has the right to change her mind. The placement is not guaranteed until after birth and often after an additional waiting period. Some states have a longer waiting period that would allow for a "change of heart." Be sure to understand what the law is in your state as well as the state you are adopting from (if different).
6. Research a nation's record with adoption before selecting a reputable international agency. Unfortunately, there are those that play into the desires of adoptive parents and can wrongly place children without communicating properly with birth families. Do as much research as possible on the country's adoption record as well as the agency you're planning to work with.
7. Work through the proper channels (i.e.: an agency or lawyer) to make things as official as possible. There have been cases of women claiming to be pregnant in order to receive coverage for their living expenses. Rely on the experience of a licensed and qualified agency to avoid this scenario.
8. If you don't feel your family can meet the needs of a particular child or aren't comfortable with the level of medical care the birth mother is receiving, you can deny a potential placement at any point in the process prior to finalization.
9. The biological father must also agree with the adoption plan. The agency will conduct a paternity test or search if the biological father denies paternity or is unknown. If the biological father is not identified after the search, the court can terminate his rights.
10. If your family has experienced infertility or the death of a child, take the time to work through any grief before considering adoption. Adopting a child will not replace a "lost" biological child. Instead, it tends to place unfair expectations on the child and hinders the transition into your home and family. Work to ensure your family is as emotionally healthy as possible and ready to take on the challenge of growing your family through adoption.

Adoption: What Helps and What Doesn't

Well-meaning people can make statements that cause hurt to the child, adoptive parents and birth mother.

What hurts children who have been adopted?

• Comments such as "Do you think you'll try to find your real mom?" or "Do you know your real parents?" Adoptive parents are the real parents in every sense of the word. Biology isn't important.
• Saying "You must be so grateful they adopted you." Remember, for most of these kids, what they tend to remember is that they were removed from the only family they've ever known. It doesn't always seem like a good thing, especially at first.
• Adoptive parents shouldn't feel discouraged or get their feelings hurt if/when the child doesn't connect immediately or still shows loving feelings toward the birth family. In some situations, it can take a long time for that new relationship to develop. Remember, this is about the needs of kids, not the parents. The parents not feeling as loved as they would like doesn't invalidate the adoption.
• When an adoptive mother feels threatened by or has her feelings hurt if the child wants to contact the birth mother.
• Always refrain from telling the child unkind things about the biological family.

What helps children who have been adopted?

• Honesty is the best policy — talk openly about the fact that he or she was adopted.
• Allow the child to ask any questions about the adoption, birth family, etc.
• Create a scrapbook of personal history like photographs, notes and information on birth family.
• Medical history, if available.
• Maintain important connections as much as appropriate and possible; for example, loving foster parents, friends and coaches.
• If the child was adopted internationally, provide as much information on the country as possible.
• If beneficial and all parties are in agreement, it can be helpful to grow up knowing biological relatives as part of an extended family; this isn't appropriate in all circumstances.

What hurts adoptive families?

• Adoptive families absolutely feel their children are their real children; comments to the contrary are very hurtful.
• Treat all children the same regardless of whether they came through birth or adoption.
• Because God designed adoption, it isn't a second best option, so be sensitive about saying things that convey it is somehow a plan B.
• Comments like "I'm sure you'll get pregnant now that you've adopted" feed into unrealistic expectations.
• Family, friends and church members shouldn't assume they know what's best for the adoptive family without being willing to learn about the differences in parenting a child who was adopted.

What helps adoptive families?

• Consistent and specific prayer support is vital to an adoptive family.
• A New Addition shower is very helpful even if the family is welcoming home an older child.
• Ongoing support from friends and family — prayer, meals, cleaning, etc. It can take quite a long time before the family settles into a real routine and is doing well.

What hurts birth mothers?

• Comments "I could never do that" tend to communicate that you would love your child more than they did and wouldn't be able to make an adoption plan.
• Don't assume she'll just move on with her life; this is a life-changing event and she needs time to grieve. Comments about her moving on and having more kids one day aren't helpful.
• Be honest with birthmothers on the front end and don't oversimplify the feelings they will experience.
• If an open relationship is agreed upon beforehand (i.e. updates, pictures, letters, etc.), it's important for adoptive families to follow through with that plan as long as it remains in the best interest of the children.
• Family and friends of the birth family shouldn't pretend the child doesn't exist — continue to validate the birth mother and the child she's carrying.

What helps birth mothers?

• Adoptive parents should refrain from representing the birth family in a negative light regardless of the situation.
• Allow the birth mother time to grieve, and don't try to minimize the feelings she's experiencing.
• Reassure her that she is making the best decision for her baby.
• If appropriate, follow up from the adoptive family reassures her of the decision she made.

Next Steps and Related Information

Additional resources on adopting children

Popular questions on this topic:

• How many legal orphans are waiting in my state?
• How do I adopt from foster care in my state?
• What are some books and resources that may be helpful?
• What information does Focus have about adoption in the United States?
• What organizations can help me with an international adoption?
• Can Focus on the Family assist with arranging an adoption?

Related Resources

• Handbook on Thriving as an Adoptive Family (Paperback)
• "Wrapping Around Adoptive Families" (Booklet)
• Wait No More: One Family's Amazing Adoption Journey (Paperback)