Effective Biblical Discipline
Disciplining School-Age Kids
By the time a child reaches 4 years of age, the focus of discipline should not only be on his or her behavior, but also on the attitudes motivating it. The task of shaping this expression of the personality can be relatively simple or incredibly difficult, depending on the basic temperament of a particular child. Some youngsters are naturally warm and loving and trusting, while others sincerely believe the world is out to get them. Some enjoy giving sharing, while their siblings may be selfish and demanding. Some smile throughout the day while others complain about everything from toothpaste to broccoli.
Furthermore, these attitudinal patterns are not consistent from one time to the next. They tend to alternate cyclically between rebellion and obedience. In other words, a time of intense conflict and defiance (if properly handled) gives way to a period of love and cooperation. Then when Mom and Dad relax and congratulate themselves for doing a super job of parenting, their little chameleon changes colors again.
Some might ask, "So what? Why should we be concerned about the attitudes of a boy or girl?" Indeed, there are many child-rearing specialists who suggest ignoring negative attitudes, including those that are unmistakably defiant in tone.
One advocate of this naive approach was Dr. Luther Woodward, whose recommendations are paraphrased in a book that is now thankfully out of print, Your Child from Two to Five. This was Dr. Woodward's ill-considered advice:
What do you do when your preschooler calls you a 'big stinker' or threatens to flush you down the toilet? Do you scold, punish . . . or sensibly take it in stride?
Dr. Woodward recommended a positive policy of understanding as the best and fastest way to help a child outgrow this verbal violence. He wrote, "When parents fully realize that all little tots feel angry and destructive at times, they are better able to minimize these outbursts. Once the preschooler gets rid of his hostility, the desire to destroy is gone and instinctive feelings of love and affection have a chance to sprout and grow. Once the child is 6 or 7, parents can rightly let the child know that he is expected to be outgrowing sassing his parents."
Dr. Woodward then warned his readers that the permissive advice he was offering would not be popular with onlookers. He wrote: "But this policy takes a broad perspective and a lot of composure, especially when friends and relatives voice disapproval and warn you that you are bringing up a brat."1
In this case, your friends and relatives would probably be right. This suggestion (published during the permissive 1950s and typical of other writings from that era) is based on the erroneous notion that children will develop sweet and loving attitudes if adults will permit and encourage their emotional outbursts and their sassiness during childhood. It didn't work for Dr. Woodward's generation, and it won't be successful with your children. The child who has been calling his mother a big stinker (or worse) for six or seven years is unlikely to yield to parental leadership during the storms of adolescence. By then, the opportunity to shape the will of a strong-willed child is long gone, after which rebellious behavior will be a virtual certainty.
I expressed my divergent views on this subject in The New Dare to Discipline as follows:
I believe that if it is desirable for children to be kind, appreciative and pleasant, those qualities should be taught — not hoped for. If we want to see honesty, truthfulness and unselfishness in our offspring, then these characteristics should be the conscious objectives of our early instructional process. If it is important to produce respectful, responsible young citizens, then we should set out to mold them accordingly. The point is obvious: Heredity does not equip a child with proper attitudes; children will learn what they are taught. We cannot expect the coveted behavior to appear magically if we have not done our early homework.2
I fear that many parents today are failing to teach attitudes in their children that will lead to successful and responsible lives.
This material is excerpted from Dr. Dobson's book The New Strong-Willed Child (copyright © 1978, 2004 by James Dobson, Inc.), published by Tyndale House Publishers, and is used by permission.