Teens
Communicating With Your Teen
One of the most common mistakes of parenthood is to be drawn into verbal battles with our children, which leave us exhausted but without strategic advantage. Don't yield to this impulse. Don't argue with your teen. Don't subject him to perpetual threats and finger-wagging accusations and insulting indictments.
And most important, don't nag him endlessly. Adolescents hate to be nagged by "Mommy" and "Daddy"! When that occurs, they typically "protect" themselves by appearing deaf. Thus, the quickest way to terminate all communication between generations is to follow a young person around the house, repeating the same monotonous messages of disapproval with the regularity of a cuckoo clock.
What, then, is the proper response to slovenliness, disobedience, defiance and irresponsibility? Since it is unwise (and unproductive) to spank a teenager, parents can only manipulate environmental circumstances when discipline is required. They have the keys to the family automobile and can allow their son or daughter to use it (or be chauffeured in it). They may grant or withhold privileges, including permission to go to the beach or to the mountains or to a friend's house or to a party. They control the family purse and can choose to share it or loan it or dole it or close it. They can ground their adolescent or deny use of the telephone, television or computer for a while.
Now obviously, these are not very influential motivators and are at times totally inadequate for the situation at hand. After we have appealed to reason and cooperation and family loyalty, all that remains are relatively weak methods of punishment. We can only link the behavior of our kids with desirable and undesirable consequences and hope the connection will be of sufficient influence to elicit their cooperation.
If that sounds pretty weak, let me admit what I am implying: A willful, angry 16-year-old boy or girl can win a confrontation with his or her parents today if worst comes to worst. The law has totally shifted in teenagers' favor. For example, they can have sex, conceive a child and, in many states, abort a child without their parents' knowledge. Drugs and alcohol are easy to obtain. Very few "adult" privileges and vices can be denied a teenager who has the passion for independence and the will to fight. Under some circumstances in certain states, a 16-year-old can be legally emancipated and freed from all parental supervision. Sometimes in cases of extreme rebellion, your reaction in a crisis has to be based on bluster and intimidation. It isn't enough, but you run with what is available to you.
This material is excerpted from Dr. Dobson's book The New Strong-Willed Child (copyright © 1978, 2004 by James Dobson, Inc.), published by Tyndale House Publishers, and is used by permission.