Liberating Marital Sex From Disturbing Memories of the Past

Many husbands and wives struggle with guilt from wrong sexual choices they've made in the past. Others are bitter about wrong choices made by an abuser. Still others wrestle with anger over wrong choices a spouse has made in having an affair.

These ghosts from the past can have profound negative effects on a marriage. A husband who won't take personal responsibility for his actions may unfairly accuse his wife of wrongdoing. A wife who was abused as a child may be too inhibited to be intimate. Spouses who had sexual relations with each other before marriage while publicly professing a commitment to wait may blame each other for the shame they feel.

The solution in every instance is to embrace reality and cultivate honesty. It's a matter of turning a deaf ear to Satan's lies and learning to speak truth about your past. The words of the apostle Paul have a special application to this situation: "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God" (Romans 12:2).

If you're suffering from the fallout of your sexual past, here are some things you should keep in mind.

  1. Unresolved hurt from your sexual past disrupts healthy sexual functioning.
    Many people have been pressured into a sexual act at some point in their lives. The intense emotions that are part of such events are often too much for a child or adolescent to process. Consensual sex prior to, or outside of, marriage may also influence present sexual functioning. If either of these scenarios describes you, don't be surprised or alarmed if you're experiencing sexual difficulties in your marriage. Instead, face the problem honestly and determine to seek a solution.

  2. Problems are opportunities to draw closer to God.
    A troubled sexual past may look insurmountable, but it isn't – not if you run toward God instead of away from Him. Only a relationship with Him through Christ can set us free from guilt, shame, and anger.

  3. God wants to heal the deep hurts of your sexual past.
    Healing is available, but it has to be individually applied to each wounding of the human spirit. The first step in sexual healing is gaining the courage to face your pain. This process may be time-consuming and may require the help of others. Because broken trust is always involved at some level, you must deal simultaneously with the two things you fear most: recalling the trauma and becoming vulnerable again.

  4. Core beliefs, thoughts, and feelings affect present sexual behavior.
    Outward behavior is really the tip of an iceberg composed of underlying emotions, thoughts, and core beliefs. Great freedom comes from understanding these factors and the deeper assumptions that drive them.

  5. Professional help is often needed to resolve past sexual hurts.
    Under the guidance of the Holy Spirit and with the help of qualified Christian therapists, many sexually wounded people come to experience profound emotional healing. This includes breaking long-standing destructive behavior patterns.

If you need referrals to licensed Christian therapists practicing in your local area, don't hesitate to contact us. Our staff would be happy to provide you with a list of recommended counselors. They'd also be pleased to discuss your situation with you over the phone.


The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Door of Hope: Recognizing and Resolving the Pains of Your Past

Reclaiming Intimacy: Overcoming the Consequences of Premarital Relationships

No More Headaches: Enjoying Sex and Intimacy in Marriage

The 5 Sex Needs of Men & Women: Discover the Secrets of Great Sex in a Godly Marriage

Marriage Alive

Love and Respect

Sex and Intimacy

When Expectations Meet Reality

Excerpted from The Complete Guide to the First Five Years of Marriage, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers. Copyright © 2006, Focus on the Family.