Man Uses Porn Because Wife Is Overweight

Is it reasonable for a husband to look for sexual stimulation in pornography if his wife doesn't care about her appearance and lets herself go?

I’m in a miserable marriage. My wife has put on a lot of weight since we got married. But she isn’t worried about doing anything to address the problem. I’m not attracted to her, but I still have sexual needs. Is it OK to use pornography?

ANSWER:

From what you told us, there are deeper issues behind your attraction to porn — issues within yourself as well as those that lie at the heart of your relationship with your wife. We urge you not to blame your problem on her physical appearance. Why not? Two reasons:

First, it’s nearly impossible to get another person to make a major lifestyle change by nagging. You’re not going to motivate your wife to lose weight by reminding her constantly of the changes since your wedding day. If she knows that you think her weight gain is unattractive, that will only make matters worse.

Second, pornography can’t fill the emptiness you feel as a result of the sexual dysfunction in your marriage. Pictures on a screen may tantalize for a moment, but they can’t take the place of a living, breathing woman.

If you want to move in a positive direction, try to see things from your wife’s perspective. At this point she may no longer believe that change is even possible. If her weight is out of control, she’s probably struggling with hopelessness and despair. Once you’ve made an effort to understand this, you’ll be in a better position to do something.

And what should you do?

Love your wife as yourself

The best thing you can do is love your wife into taking better care of herself.

Do you know the unconditional love of God? That’s the way you should love your wife: unconditionally. By accepting her completely, you’ll do more to motivate her to lose weight than through any amount of verbal persuasion. How can you love and honor your wife this way?

Pray for her. Ask God to conquer her inner despair and give her a desire to care about the body He made. Ask Him to make you a channel of His unconditional love. Write her a letter saying that you’ve come to the point where you’re willing to leave this situation entirely in the Lord’s hands. Show her every day by your words and actions that you love her because of who she is — not because of a number on the scales.

Deal with your desire to look at porn

Turn to God not only on behalf of your wife but also for yourself

Take your pornography problem to Him and ask Him to meet you at the point of your emptiness. Try this: For a set time, don’t use any pornography as a way to show your commitment to Him alone. At the end of that period, reevaluate your situation.

Get professional help

If you and your wife could work out this problem on your own, you’d have found an answer long ago. So why not try something different?

Call our Counseling department for a free over-the-phone consultation. A member of our team will be glad to give you a list of referrals to qualified family counselors in your area. They’ll also walk you through the benefits of Focus on the Family’s Hope Restored marriage intensives.

Intensive counseling offers couples the best chance to counter long-term marital frustration. It creates an atmosphere where both parties can leave the comforts and pressures of home to tackle issues head-on without distraction.

Install accountability software

In the meantime, install some accountability software. That’s not the ultimate answer to the complex challenges you face, of course. But it can play an important role in helping you keep tabs on the entire family’s online activities.