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RECONNECTED: AACC PRESENTATION NOTES

ABOUT THE CONTENT

Sure — you’re totally committed to love and honor your spouse ’til death do you part. But busyness and the routine of jobs, kids, chores, and other commitments can overshadow the romance and passion in any marriage. This can leave spouses feeling disconnected, disillusioned, and alone — like married roommates. As a result, spouses wonder, “Is this all there is?”

ABOUT THIS PRESENTATION

  • Presenter: Greg Smalley, M.A., Psy.D.
  • Date: September 17, 2021
  • Objectives
    • Learn why couples slowly fade into married roommates
    • Discover a simple quiz to help pinpoint 11 roommate behaviors
    • Learn tools to help you move from “roommates” to “soulmates”

NOTES AND DOWNLOADS

SPEAKER PRESENTATION NOTES — ONLINE VERSION

Reconnected: Moving from Roommate to Soulmate in Marriage

Greg Smalley, M.A., Psy.D.

 

11 CHARACTERISTICS OF MARRIED ROOMMATES

 Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before the ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming! (Song 2:15, NLT)

The phrase “married roommates” can look very different depending on the couple. Extensive research was done to understand the subtle differences to help couples pinpoint what is really going on in their relationship and to identify roommate-like behaviors—the little foxes—that have found their way (or could find their way) into their vineyard of love.

 

  1. Exhausted: You’re too tired, sleep-deprived or burned-out—you have nothing to give or energy to connect.
  1. Busy: Hectic schedules and demanding responsibilities leave little time for each
  1. Business-Like Relationship: Most of your communication is around “administrating” your marriage—talking about to-do lists, schedules, kids, finances,
  1. Gentle Neglect: You or your marriage is constantly taking a back seat to the cell phone, social media, jobs, kids, friends, housework, hobbies,
  1. Disengaged (separate lives): Your marriage feels like two individuals going in separate directions.
  1. Complacency: The romantic spark has faded, and the marriage feels predictable—boring
  1. Spiritually Disconnected: You don’t connect together at a deep spiritual
  1. Conflict Avoidance: You or your spouse avoid difficult conversations or sweep negative issues under the rug.
  1. Sexlessness: 15 to 20 percent of married couples report that sex is routine, dutiful, infrequent or non-existent.
  1. Feeling Unsafe: Your marriage is not a safe haven where you feel unconditionally accepted and loved.
  1. Visionless: You don’t have a vision of how you will use your “oneness” to serve God and bless others.

Roommate marriages are lonely. Loneliness is in stark contrast to God’s design for marriage. God created us as relational beings. We long for connection and intimacy—to know and be known by another at the deepest level. It goes against our heart’s desire to feel alone or isolated. As loneliness spreads, divorce enters the picture.

 

MOVING FROM ROOMMATES TO SOULMATES 

 

When we use the phrase, soulmate, we’re not talking about the magical concept that implies God created one special person just for you— one true love.

Soulmate means a spouse with whom you enter a covenant relationship with God for a lifetime and regularly experience the deepest levels of connection and intimacy. This is our idea of being married to your best friend—your soulmate (or sole mate).

 

Close Pursuit:

 

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)

 

“…for no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.” (Ephesians 5:29)

 

  1. Cherish Your Spouse: Recognize your mate’s incredible “For where your treasure is, so there will your heart be also.” (Luke 12:34)
  1. Rediscover Your Spouse: “…learn her ways always and think on her love.” (Proverbs 5:19). Stay current and updated. Be inquisitive by asking questions. Stay curious because your spouse is always changing.
  1. Nourish Your Spouse: Treat your spouse in valuable Let us not love with mere words or tongue but with actions…” (1 John 3:18)

“I feel loved when you

  • Pray with me and share a deep faith
  • Respond when I invite you to connect (connection bids)
  • Talk to me: pursue knowing me and allow yourself to be known (10 min)
  • Provide positive affirmation
  • Express gratitude
  • Spend time with me
  • Provide affection (sexually and non-sexually)
  • Have fun and laugh with me
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