A young teen grabbed another girl by her hair and shoved her to the ground. When the girl hit the concrete, the teen hit her one more time and then walked away. The victim had been one of her friends. Bystanders would not be able to pick out this angry teen or see the violence […]
A young teen grabbed another girl by her hair and shoved her to the ground. When the girl hit the concrete, the teen hit her one more time and then walked away. The victim had been one of her friends.
Bystanders would not be able to pick out this angry teen or see the violence simmering beneath the surface — from any other girl at a mall. She looked like the girl next door, except she had embraced a theory: You’ve got to take care of yourself. Get them before they get you.
She explained her philosophy: “If a guy is a player, I’ll play him first. If my parents make me mad, I’ll make them pay.”
Some are calling this breed the “New American Girl.” She’s more physical, not afraid to be aggressive or go after what she wants, and she takes care of herself. A report from the Population Reference Bureau states that national arrest statistics for simple and aggravated assaults by girls have been climbing for more than a decade and continue to rise.
The popular agenda pushed today is that young women must learn to be violent and push others around to get what they want. In order to be strong, they must tell everyone “no” and stand up to anyone who makes them feel week or unimportant.
We must teach our girls that they can be strong, without being mean. They can be independent while treating others with grace and kindness. While some girls resort to violence, others are turning their independence into a positive. They aren’t afraid to succeed in sports or politics. They stand up for their convictions. They chase their dreams. They are kind and forgiving.
The challenge for parents of girls is to model strength without violence. They must set limits and consequences and explain how aggression can be destructive to them, their relationships, and others.
Babies aren’t born with a radar telling them how far they can go with their behavior. They learn limitations from their parents. Toddlers may resort to kicking or hitting a parent or sibling when they are angry. This behavior is an invitation for parents to set boundaries. Here are some practical ways you can set boundaries for your child:
If a teacher has sent a note home saying that your daughter is being mean to another girl in class, your instinct may be to ignore it or place blame on others. Don’t.
A growing social trend among 4- to 7-year-old girls is to label some as “Little Mean Girls.” Those girls are the ones who find it socially beneficial to tell lies, secrets or rumors about classmates, to exclude peers, or to give others the silent treatment. They use relational aggression. Here’s how you can approach a situation like this:
Step One: Parents should search for the whole story. Is your child the instigator? Does she feel that she has to join in with whatever friends are doing to keep friendships intact? Is she going along with the crowd? Ask your child what happened, and don’t just rely on the rumors or what the teacher reported.
Step Two: Be her role model. If you gossip about the teacher or others in front of your child, she learns to do the same. Let her know that this is unacceptable behavior for everyone, including you.
Step Three: Gently teach spiritual truth. It may be socially acceptable in the second grade to isolate another girl, but show your daughter why it is wrong biblically.
Step Four: Let her know that you are available to listen or talk with her when she feels aggressive toward another person or pressured to join in. Assure her that you will work together to find a more positive way to handle the situation. Let her know that you are on the same team.
A 12-year-old scratches her arm with the sharp edge of a ruler. When her parents confront her, they discover deeper cuts on her legs. If your daughter is self-injuring, your instinct may be to punish her, but this may only increase the risky, self-violent behavior.
The underlying factor behind self-injury is often an inability to express emotions or fears. The 12-year-old heard from her friends that cutting herself would make her feel good, and the release of endorphins do make her feel better, if only temporarily. As a parent, you should:
Is your daughter becoming more violent? Sandy Austin, author and veteran high school counselor on the scene after the Columbine violence, believes there are more stresses in girls’ lives, and many are not equipped with healthy ways to deal with their anger and frustrations. “Look for unresolved issues that they may not have processed thoroughly, including losses, rejection, unmet expectations, betrayal and insecurities, and invest in the help they need to work through it.”
Begin by building a relationship with your daughter. Don’t push her away by dismissing her fears or insecurities. Instead, acknowledge her anxieties, and then begin to work through them biblically. Does your daughter know that she is worthy and loved, even if other girls are mean to her? Does she know that she doesn’t have to respond in violence, but can counter with love and forgiveness? Can she stand up for herself without resorting to cruelty? Does she know how to handle insecurities and deal with feelings of self-harm?
You can partner in this process. Conflict and frustration is a natural part of life, and teens are watching to see how we deal with it. Don’t avoid conflict or paint a false picture of harmony when real issues are simmering in the home. By talking about these issues and working as a family to resolve conflict, teens learn how they should act or react when they face it themselves.
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