Step-Parent Struggles: When Kids Don’t Bond

After three years of widowhood, I married Robbie, my knight in shining armor. I was thrilled to finally have a loving companion and a daddy for my two kids under 5. I just knew he was going to fill all our gaps — the love gap, the discipline gap, the play-with-the-kids gap, the romance gap and more. But I didn’t see the step-parent struggles coming around the corner.

It wasn’t long before I discovered I had married a human, not a fairy tale, and he had his own gaps. He didn’t meet my incredibly high expectations, and I didn’t meet his.

Our First Step-Parent Struggles

The first shock came when my son, Ben, didn’t accept his new dad right away. I didn’t know boys that young could have alpha-male struggles. But there it was — jealousy, pride and stubbornness from both my son and my husband. The first year was a battle of territory — over me, the remote, dinner, favorite chair … everything.

I didn’t know what to do. All I wanted was a family who loved and enjoyed one other, and I wasn’t seeing it. Had I made a mistake? Should I have waited longer to marry? Was my son solely at fault, or was my husband partly to blame?

I worried myself sick seeking to fix the problem. My new life wasn’t perfect, and I wanted perfect! “God, I don’t know how to pray,” I said on my knees. “I don’t know how to fix Robbie or Ben or how to mend their relationship.”

Then I sensed the gentle voice of the Holy Spirit whisper to my heart: You don’t have to fix anything. That’s My job. All you have to do is show them grace and wait on Me.

Grace is something I want for myself, of course. I know I’m going to mess up. I need patience, do-overs, forgiveness. But grace was the last thing on my mind when Ben raged with tears or Robbie blew his top. What I wanted in those moments was control.

But control doesn’t come with the stepfamily package. My only choice (if I wanted sanity) was to leave it up to God. So during the inevitable conflicts, I learned to take a deep breath, say to myself, No one is perfect and then deal with the issue.

A New Mindset

Humans are going to err. That’s the genesis for all step-parent problems. It’s practically the definition of humanity. I had to accept that, lower my expectations and allow for those mistakes.

My new grace mindset also helped my kids (Ephesians 2:8-9). Ben was justifiably upset one day and tattled on his new dad. “Ben, you’re right. Daddy was wrong, and he made a mistake,” I said. “But when you get mad and fly off the handle, don’t you want the person to forgive you?”

“Yes,” he said.

“Then do you think you can forgive Daddy?”

“I guess so,” he said with a hint of humility.

Another time, he thought Robbie’s discipline was too harsh. “Dad isn’t your enemy,” I explained. “His discipline is necessary to help you grow into a man of character.” The next day, Ben was back to normal, and more importantly, he seemed closer to his dad.

Final Thoughts on Step-Parent Struggles

We’re now heading into our sixth year as a stepfamily. We have had other step-parent struggles, but I look back at the discord that made me cry buckets of tears, and I can’t believe the change in Robbie and Ben’s relationship. Just the other day, I cried very different tears when I was putting Ben to bed and he said to me, “Mom, when I grow up, I want to be just like Dad.”