Focus on the Family Broadcast

Preview:

Debra Fileta: Do you have people speaking in your life? Have you invited people to speak into your life? Maybe you’re listening and you’re like, “Oh, I guess I- I don’t really have people who are helping me.” You know, find people and ask them to give you that outside-in perspective, because a huge part of change is taking ownership and acknowledging what we need to change. A huge part of it is what scripture refers to as confession. Confess your sins and struggles to one another so that you can be healed. I don’t think that necessarily means just our sin. I think it can also refer to any area where we wanna heal and grow. It has to start with acknowledging and confession.

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John Fuller: That’s counselor Debra Fileta, urging all of us to be proactive about making necessary changes in our lives and finding a community to help us be accountable to those changes. Welcome to a Best Of edition of Focus on the Family. Uh, Debra was our guest a number of months ago in 2023, and this content was so powerful we wanted to share it with you again. Your host is Focus president and author, Jim Daly. and I’m John Fuller.

Jim Daly: John, this is part two of that conversation with Debra. We featured the first part last time where Debra explained why change is hard, often because life gets so busy and noisy. It just… You know, the clutter, we don’t stop and take stock of what’s going on.

John: Hm.

Jim: She also recommended having an outside-in perspective where we evaluate how others perceive us. Uh, for example, are we calm or intense, in control, or going crazy? And then Debra explained why it’s important to ask for help from others when we need it, and even allow them to speak into our lives. So this is really good stuff, and if you missed the conversation last time, get the audio copy from us, or look for the previous episode on YouTube, or get the Focus Broadcast App so you can, uh, get access to all the programs that we’ve done.

John: As we shared last time, Debra has captured her message in a great book. It’s called Reset: Powerful Habits to Own Your Thoughts, Understand Your Feelings, and Change Your Life. You can get a copy of that from us here and the audio from last time when you call 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY, or stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. And now here’s part two of this Best of 2023 conversation with Debra Fileta on Focus on the Family.

Jim: Let’s kick it off with the brain.

Debra: Yeah.

Jim: Something small to talk about, right?

John: Mm.

Jim: At least in my case. (laughs)

Debra: (laughs)

Jim: Um, the brain science there, our brains love routine. And when we have, you know, repetitive actions, we kinda go into this robotic mode, right, making lunch, driving kids to school, it might be something related to our job. That’s probably a good thing in a lot of ways, but it can also be a bad thing.

Debra: Yeah.

Jim: Why?

Debra: Yeah. Our brains love the path of least resistance.

Jim: (laughs) Because it’s so human.

Debra: And honestly, if we wanna change, we have to start with our thought life. Let me show an example of how our brains like the path of least resistance. I want you to do this activity with me. And if you’re listening following along, take your arms.

Jim: Not if you’re driving.

John: If you’re driving, don’t do that.

Jim: Yeah (laughs).

Debra: Yeah. Not if you’re driving.

John: (laughs)

Jim: (laughs) All right.

Debra: And cro- and cross your arms.

Jim: Okay.

Debra: And observe, which arm has come to the surface, your left or your right?

Jim: Okay. My left.

John: Left.

Debra: And now I want you to do it again, but this time I want the opposite arm. Okay, ready? No, no. Yeah, you got to start from scratch. Ready, set, go.

Jim: (laughs)

Debra: See, now- now, Jim is really struggling with it. How about you, John? Did you get it?

John: I swapped pretty naturally ’cause I kind of… I- I- I read the book.

Debra: You’re em-

Jim: (laughing) You- that’s terrible. You cheated.

John: I knew where she was gonna go with this.

Debra: Now- now, Jim, tell me a little bit about why that was difficult. What did it- what did it feel like to try to swap?

Jim: My guess would be that my dominant arm-

John: (laughs)

Jim: … (laughs) wanted to be on top and my less dominant arm didn’t know what to do.

Debra: You’ve been doing it the same way over and over and over again for years. Your brain loves the path of least resistance.

Jim: Hm. Hm.

Debra: The easiest way is the way it’s going to choose. And unfortunately for us, that’s most commonly negative and unhealthy thinking, because it takes more work to think positively. That’s why scripture is constantly telling us to transform our thinking-

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Debra: … renew our brain, take our thoughts captive, because thoughts lead to feelings and feelings lead to behavior. If you wanna change your behavior, you start with your thoughts.

Jim: And in fact, in the book, you talked about, uh, you know, I’m sure you renamed this person, but Hannah who struggled… In a more serious way, it wasn’t crossing her arms, it was about those repetitive messages that she heard where she was inadequate and other things. Describe that.

Debra: Hannah came from a family where she was adopted, and it was a great family. They- they were so good to her, but she didn’t realize the fact that deep down, she believed wrong messages. She believed that she wasn’t wanted. She believed that she wasn’t valuable. And when those are the roots of her thoughts, it began to impact the way that she related to people, the way that she related to herself, the way that she interacted, and it started influencing negative behaviors. But really, it’s rooted in that default thought, “I am not lovable. I am not wanted. I am not good enough.”

Jim: You know, in that context, because you hear that in counseling, we hear that through our interactions with constituents, that loop that continues to play.

Debra: Right.

Jim: And as a trained counselor giving, you know, that cup of cold water that… Just think of that woman who is hearing that loop over and over again. What is something she can do to stop doing that?

Debra: First of all, we need to acknowledge that loop. I think so many people are walking around living their live, and they don’t even realize, “There’s something unhealthy about the way that I think.” So acknowledging what’s on replay is an important part, and then aligning it to God’s truth. One activity that I have people do is actually write out their negative thoughts for a 24-hour period-

Jim: Wow.

Debra: … and then begin to look for patterns in your thinking that are unhealthy. And then look through scripture to replace that unhealthy thinking with God’s truth, because that’s what we need to have on replay in our mind if we actually wanna see behavioral change.

Jim: In fact, you talk about that to own your own thoughts before they own you, and you root it there, I think, in, uh, Corinthians 10:5, 2 Corinthians 10:5. What is that scripture? And how does that illustrate it?

Debra: It says, “Take every thought captive.” Think about that.

Jim: (laughs) Yeah.

Debra: Uh, when you think about taking something captive, I imagine a wild animal and you’re going out into captivity and you’re taking that animal and you’re training it, you’re rearing it, you’re making sure that it becomes tame. Our thoughts are like those wild animals.

Jim: Hm.

Debra: If we’re not aware, they will end up destroying our life. We have to be intentional about taking those thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ.

Jim: That’s something. I mean, y- y- that illustration, I’m sure it’s exactly what Paul wanted to communicate, right?

Debra: It’s something we have to do every single day. I- I have a good friend that says, “I am one thought away from going back to my old way of life.”

Jim: And I- I think that illustration, taking it captive, is such an action oriented word.

Debra: It is.

Jim: It’s like aggressive.

Debra: It’s an intentional (laughs)-

Jim: It’s- it’s not passive.

Debra: You’re absolutely right.

Jim: (laughs)

Debra: It- it- it’s a fight.

Jim: Right.

Debra: For some of us, it’s a true battle and something that we have to wake up every morning and realize, “I need to battle for my mind, because it affects my feelings and then it affects what I do and how I behave.”

Jim: You know, in that area of emotions, I mean, again, emotions- there’s been books written about it, you know. You can’t trust them and other things.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: And in that regard, how do we take captive those emotions that are unhealthy? How do we even take inventory of unhealthy emotions to recognize them?

Debra: Well, I think the first thing we need to understand is that emotions in and of themselves are amoral. What I mean by that is they’re not bad or good, right or wrong. Emotions are not a sin, but they are a signal. And we need to understand what’s happening and what we’re feeling on the inside. So- so I think it’s important for us to see our emotions as just that, a signal, and realize it’s not what we feel but what we do with that feeling that moves us down a healthy path or an unhealthy path.

Jim: Can I… Let me push you a little bit on that. Anger, obviously that’s an emotion.

Debra: Right.

Jim: There’s unhealthy anger. Um, how- how do you know when that line is being crossed? And how do you pull back?

Debra: Well, the Bible says, “In your anger, do not sin.” But it doesn’t say, “Don’t be angry.” It just says, “Don’t sin in your anger.” So it’s the actions that flow from that that I think are really important. You know, I love looking at the life of Jesus. Jesus was emotional. He had a lot of different feelings, including anger. But how He responded to that feeling is what pushed Him into a healthy place. That’s what set Him apart. When He was sorrowful, He responded with gratitude. When He was angry, He responded with justice. When He was exhausted, He responded with boundaries and taking the time to rest. He responded in healthy ways. So if we can see our feelings as a signal and then realize that we are called to respond to that signal in a healthy way, it’ll move us down a- a good path.

Jim: I’m smiling because I’m thinking, “How many husbands have said, ‘Well, I’m not Jesus?”‘

John: (laughs) Yeah.

Jim: (laughs) Right? That’s not a good excuse as a Christian.

Debra: Yes, because clearly, we’re not Jesus.

Jim: Yeah.

Debra: But the goal is for us to be moving toward Him, becoming more like Him every day.

Jim: You know what’s fascinating, Debra? And this isn’t out of your book, so, uh… But a thought that I’ve had a lot, um, you think of 39 emotions, I think people, professionals have identified 39 emotions that Jesus displayed.

Debra: Yeah.

Jim: Even the facts that it’s that finite is kind of interesting to me. It’s like we’re in a box, you know, and we only get these 39 emotions. It’s almost like the Lord has rigged this human experience, “This is what you’re gonna have at your hand to feel, to experience, and the process is I want to draw you closer to me as my created beings.” Isn’t that, uh… To me, it’s just interesting that God has put that together and this is part of the experience.

Debra: Well, the beautiful thing about emotions is they’re like so many different colors. Uh, a counselor will tell you you can pull up a list of 500 emotions. Jesus showed us 39 different ones that He experienced. And- and we know that’s just from scripture. I’m sure there was more that- that we don’t even know about. But the key is taking all of these things and allowing them to work together, our thoughts, feelings, and behavior and moving us closer to God and making us more like Jesus.

Jim: Hm. You had a, uh, this is a little shift, but you had a near-death experience that, um, gave you some emotions-

Debra: Yeah.

Jim: … around that.

Debra: Yeah.

Jim: Describe what happened and what you learned from it.

Debra: So an important part of changing our behavior, like we talked about a minute ago, is understanding our feelings. But another important part of changing our behavior is also questioning our feelings, because just because you feel something doesn’t make it true. When I experienced this when I went through a near-death, traumatic experience, I had a miscarriage, I lost so much blood that I almost lost my life.

Jim: Hm.

Debra: And fast forward a couple years from that experience, the part of my brain that remembers emotional memory called the amygdala, every time I felt a little off, maybe I felt a little light-headed, I was dehydrated, I wasn’t drinking enough water, it brought me back to that danger zone of almost losing my life. It was almost like my body was alarming, “Take care of yourself. Danger, danger, danger,” when really there was no danger.

Jim: Right.

Debra: And we have that capacity in our body. When we’ve been through hard things or traumatic things, oftentimes our amygdala, to try to keep us safe, fires off, “You’re not safe. Danger, danger,” in moments when we actually are safe.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Debra: And so we have to be able to question our emotions. And just because we feel something, it doesn’t necessarily make that feeling a true thing. A feeling is real, but it’s not always telling us the truth.

Jim: No, that’s a good point. I think in our culture today, we’re so rooted in feelings that we tend to believe the feeling is truer than truth.

Debra: Right.

Jim: And that’s dangerous.

Debra: It’s very dangerous. I agree with you. And I think even Jesus went through that struggle in the Garden of Gethsemane when everything inside of Him was telling Him to leave, He was sweating droplets of blood. That’s a fight-or-flight response, you know. Hi- all- all of the stress that’s telling him, “Danger, danger, danger. Get out of here,” but He chose to stay. He chose to trust His God over His emotions.

John: Yeah.

Jim: And you, uh, can notice this, I mean, dependent upon your situation. There’s a term where we catastrophize things, uh, especially for parents. I mean, this is true in the parenting world-

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … where we go right to the most fearful thing that we can imagine our kids might be doing the first time they take the car out at 16, uh, or they’re at a party, or whatever it might be. And it doesn’t mean that it’s true, but we almost talk ourselves into it being true and then we put the kid on trial.

Debra: Right.

Jim: And say, “Hey, wh- you know, what happened here, here and here?” And sometimes it’s gonna be true and sometimes it’s not. How do we take that inventory, uh, not specifically in that situation, but just generally about our emotions and keep them in check?

Debra: Well, it… What’s preceding that emotion of fear and anxiety is a thought. Thoughts lead to feelings. So what’s the thought that’s triggered this feeling of anxiety and fear and panic? It’s the thought of, “Something bad’s gonna happen to my kid. They’re gonna get into a car accident. I’m never going to make it in life.” Think of all the negative thoughts we have that precede those negative feelings. And so a lot of times when you have an emotional response, a really strong emotional response, it’s important to back up and ask yourself, “What thought preceded that feeling? And is it based on truth or is it based on my own trauma, my own fears, my own struggles, my own insecurities?”

John: Hm. That’s a good principle, uh, not just for ourselves, but, uh, as we parent. I’m thinking of a child that I can kind of talk off of a ledge, if you will, because they tend to do that very thing. They grab the negative and just keep going. So, uh, what’s the thought that preceded that feeling? That’s good. Well, that’s Debra Fileta. She’s our guest today on Focus on the Family with your host Jim Daly. And Debra has written a terrific book. It’s called Reset. And, uh, it’s all about, uh, doing a self-inventory and helping change occur in your life. And, uh, we’d love to get a copy of this book to you. Stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or give us a call, 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY.

Jim: Describe the lies or cognitive distortions, as you call them, uh, we have in our minds that interfere with our efforts or need to change (laughs).

Debra: Sometimes without realizing it, we’re believing a string of lies. And when it becomes a pattern, we call it a cognitive distortion. For example, something like black or white thinking. I’m either doing a great job or I’m doing an awful job. There’s nothing in-between.

Jim: Hm.

Debra: Or someone has really, really hurt me and they can’t be trusted, or they’re a- I’m having a good day with them and- and they can be trusted in everything they say and do rather than having a middle ground.

Jim: You, in fact, refer to it kind ha- dirty glasses, smudged glasses, which I can relate to (laughs).

John: (laughs)

Jim: And so can you, John.

John: I can. Yes.

Jim: Uh, describe that, uh, smudged glass look. And how does that relate to that idea?

Debra: Our cognitive distortions are the lens in which we see the world, but sometimes our lenses aren’t accurate because they’ve been beat up, you know. They’ve been dirtied. Um, and- and specifically speaking, it’s the hurts we’ve experienced, the wounds we’ve been through, the negative relationships. And all of those things begin to impact our lens. And then we- when we put on our lens, the way that we see the world, we don’t see it in an accurate, clear perspective because of our own past hurts rather than seeing it through the lens of truth, God’s unchanging truth that’s always clear.

Jim: Yeah. Debra, in the book Reset, you address the problem of childhood wounds and how they can interfere with our efforts to grow. And actually, I’ve heard counselors say they’re actually growth stunters, you know, trauma that takes place in our childhood. You share a story about a man who you counseled called, I think you renamed the person Brett to protect him. But tell us about Brett’s story and- and what you saw and how you helped him.

Debra: I love that you used the phrase growth stunters.

Jim: Yeah (laughs).

Debra: Because I think it’s so true. And oftentimes we get stuck in an emotional stage when we’ve been through something really hard-

Jim: Hm.

Debra: … in that season. So I worked with Brett. And he was really having a hard time with decision making and feeling confident in his choices and- and being able to move forward, um, in his life. And as we started unpacking some of that, he went through a really hard season in childhood where he was bullied, where he was feeling picked apart by people, where he was feeling like his parents were so rigid and he couldn’t make his own choices. And it’s almost like he froze in that season-

Jim: Hm.

Debra: … because of those wounds. And here he is a grown man still feeling like he’s not capable, like everyone’s gonna pick on him and put him down-

Jim: Yeah.

Debra: … that he wasn’t good enough. And he didn’t feel autonomy and confidence because he had past wounds that he never actually faced. In fact, he did the opposite. He tried to stuff them, “Oh, that hard stuff from long ago, that’s not impacting who I am today.” But it was almost as though he was stuck in that developmental stage of a child because he’s never really found freedom and healing from some of those hard things.

Jim: Well, and you’re describing what we spoke about a while ago, that loop and how it gets created. I mean, that’s a perfect example of that, that I’m inadequate, that I don’t measure up.

Debra: Right.

Jim: That people pick on me because I’m weak.

Debra: Right.

Jim: And voom, voom, and there it is. How do you… And you describe it as re-parenting.

Debra: Yeah.

Jim: Um, and I’m not saying Brett’s situation was that, but how- how do you go back and re-parent yourself as an adult and change the way you think?

Debra: In the process of counseling, we do this a lot. And- and the idea is that, “Now that I’m a grown adult with the Holy Spirit living inside of me, I can go back to some of those hard places and face them. I can begin inserting a new script rather than that old negative one that’s on replay. I can go back with the help of the Holy Spirit and replace some of those things I picked up from childhood with a new script based on God’s truth that I know to be true today.” So we almost go back and fill in the gaps with the good stuff, with the truth of God’s word. And honestly, slowly it begins to change what’s on replay today.

Jim: You know, Debra, I- I’m thinking of the person that is hearing that loop, and they’ve got to do something. I mean, getting the book Reset is a great step, and maybe even calling for counseling.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: But I- I just feel a burden there for a person that’s feeling it. Um, as a counselor, speak to that person that’s going, “Oh my goodness, they’re describing me. That’s what I do every day.”

Debra: Hm.

Jim: “I get into that loop and I’m not worthy. I’m not good enough,” whatever it might be. Wh- what’s the first thing they can do?

Debra: One thing that I would recommend is that they make a timeline and ask the Lord to spotlight areas of their life where they need to go back for some healing, where they need to go back for some of God’s grace. What are some significant experiences in your life or in your childhood that begin to impact what you believe about yourself, God, and others? Ask God to reveal some of those things and then write out a timeline. Make that map and begin praying over it. Begin asking God for help. And then take that map, that timeline, to a counselor and begin working on some of those things.

Jim: Huh.

Debra: But the important part is that we stop and take the time to actually pinpoint and spotlight the areas that God wants to help us heal on a deeper level.

Jim: Yeah. That is really good and really important to do. So let me encourage you to do that.

John: Hm.

Jim: And, uh, let me- let me turn a little bit of a corner. As Christians, you know, we’re big believers in helping others and sacrificing and service. It’s really important to the Christian Creed, and it is. Uh, but sometimes that well-meaning effort can get a little out of whack. It’s not the right motivation, et cetera, whatever it might be. Uh, you counseled a woman you called Madeline who suffered from this. And I really want you to describe it, so again, people that are in that spot can identify with it. What was Madeline dealing with? And how was it unhealthy? Helping others doesn’t seem unhealthy.

Debra: Right. Madeline came from a childhood where she was kind of caught between two parents who got divorced, and she was the middleman.

Jim: Hm.

Debra: She was always fixing things for the family and making sure everybody was okay. And that kind of became her role, to give. Give, give and give. Then she became a Christian. And guess what? You give more (laughs).

Jim: Right.

Debra: You give to your church, you give to ministry. But she never realized the importance of caring for herself. And when I was growing up, my dad told me that human beings are like a well. And if you continue to pour out without filling back up, eventually your well will run dry. And what you’ll have left is all the gunk, the junk at the bottom of the well that’s no good to anybody.

Jim: Hm.

John: Hm.

Debra: And so she was kind of caught in the cycle of giving and giving and giving but never taking the time to fill up, never seeing the importance of filling herself up. And it eventually led to a breaking point in her life where she-

Jim: Yeah.

Debra: … really struggled.

Jim: Let- let me, uh, speak what some people are maybe thinking, that self-care just feels so non-Christian, so inappropriate. Uh, but you’re really saying it’s the opposite. Speak to that idea about, um, the Lord’s commandments, to love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, soul and mind. And to love your neighbor as yourself.

Debra: Well, for those who struggle with the word self-care, let me help you by shifting that word a little bit. What if we called it soul-care? Something a little bit deeper. Caring for my soul, because that’s what Jesus calls us to do. And- and that’s what Jesus modeled here on Earth. Love your neighbor as you love yourself, I think sometimes we quickly say that last part, as you love yourself. I mean, it could’ve said, love your neighbor, don’t love yourself. Love yourself more than you love yourself, but it says, love your neighbor as yourself. I think there’s permission there to care for ourselves so that we can better care for others. And if we look at the life of Jesus, he practiced soul-care. He took the time to set boundaries and get away. He took the time to stop and feed himself and drink. He took the time to have fun with friends. He took the time to get away and pray and spend time with the Lord. Jesus took the time to rest when he needed a nap. And I think sometimes we neglect the care of ourselves, and then we run dry and feel empty and then we can no longer do a good job caring for others.

Jim: When you- when you counsel someone like Madeline who is serving out of that right thing to serve but then can trace it back to even her mother and father’s divorce and being that middle person, that’s a lot of weight to carry emotionally. How do you begin to discern, uh, the right things to do and the things that really diminish your well?

Debra: Yeah.

Jim: And that can be so hard.

Debra: It is hard. And- and I do think this is why the help of a professional counselor can be an important thing, because ultimately we’re trying to get to the root of motive. Is my motive and why I’m doing this coming out of a healthy place or an unhealthy place? For her, the motive was rooted in not just helping people but, “I need to help people in order to be valuable.”

Jim: Right.

Debra: “I need to help people in order to have worth.” That’s not what God tells us to do. That’s not the truth of Christ. We help out of the overflow.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Debra: We don’t help because it defines our value and worth. And so for her, it was an unquenchable thing. She continued to serve and serve and serve, but she still wasn’t feeling good about herself because that’s not where value comes from. And she- and that’s why she reached a breaking point.

John: And that brings to the conclusion this Best of 2023 conversation with Debra Fileta discussing her book Reset: Powerful Habits to Own Your Thoughts, Understand Your Feelings, and Change Your Life.

Jim: I hope everyone realizes that Focus on the Family is here to help, uh, sp- specifically to help you avoid getting to a breaking point in your life, like Madeline did. That’s why we’re sharing this Best Of program today, and why we have a team of professional counselors to help you work through issues in your marriage or parenting issues or any other area where you may be struggling. Contact us today and ask to speak with one of our counselors. They wanna hear your story and pray with you. It’s a privilege to do so. And then they will direct you toward a better path of hope and help. And best of all, this service is confidential and absolutely free.

John: Hm. Call 800-232-6459, 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY, or click on the Find a Counselor link at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim: Focus on the Family is able to offer counseling and practical resources, like Debra’s book, because of the generous support of listeners like you. You provide the fuel we need to produce programs like this one and respond to hurting families and individuals who don’t know where else to turn. And it is an honor to be there for them. I’m reminded of a young woman named Brittany who shared her story with us. She was raised in an abusive, dysfunctional home where drugs and sex and alcohol put her into a very dark place for 12 years. But then Brittany found hope as she began watching Focus on the Family online. And within a few years, her life was transformed. Brittany, in fact, wrote to us and said this, “Today, I have the Father, Son and Holy Spirit and the Bible and the Focus on the Family team to help me renew my mind and live the abundant Christian life. That is so much better than living a life of darkness, addiction and defeat.”

John: Hm.

Jim: That’s really humbling to be in that list, number one, but, uh, man, you can be a part of the Focus team, be a part of the ministry that impacts lives, like Brittany’s. Consider a monthly pledge today. Let’s work together to rescue the hurting and to strengthen families both here in North America and literally around the world.

John: Mm-hmm. Yeah. We welcome your support. And even a one-time gift makes a big difference as we help so many. We’ll say thanks for your monthly pledge or your one-time gift by sending a copy of Debra’s book called Reset. And once again, our phone number, 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY, or you can donate at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Coming up next, uh, speaking of good habits, here’s one for your family, doing family devotions together.

Preview:

Jonathan Evans: Hey, it’s important for us to get around the table, because that’s the time we can really spend with our kids and we’ve got all of their attention and we’re able to, uh, get the eye contact and get them away from the video games and away from the TV and really pour into them.

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