Preview:
Ken Davis: You see, you know one of the reasons you need to believe that you are a worthwhile person? If you don’t believe that God created you unique and you don’t need to be like somebody else, the first person you’re gonna be mad at is God.
End of Preview
John Fuller: Today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly humorist, Ken Davis, shares encouragement for anyone who has doubts about their worth as a human being. Well, thanks for joining us today. I’m John Fuller.
Jim Daly: Ken Davis is one of our all-time favorites on this broadcast because he’s so transparent about his own flaws and how he has chosen to find joy in life despite those inadequacies. Ken is a sought-after speaker, an award-winning author of 12 books, and the founder of the SCORRE speaker academy, where people can learn how to become great speakers themselves. And Ken has been on this broadcast dozens of times.
John: He has. And today’s presentation is actually one that we’ve never aired before. It was recorded back in the mid-1980s in front of a group of high schoolers and young adults.
Jim: (laughs)
John: By the way, that’s the context for my introduction to Ken Davis. I saw him as a high school student in the Twin Cities. Uh, we’re gonna be jumping in now after some opening remarks. And here now is Ken Davis on today’s Focus on the Family.
Ken: We live in a funny, hilarious, wonderful world. It’s crazy all around us. I’m walking Larimer Square down here, downtown Denver. I’m walking down the street. I sit on the curb and laugh till I’m sick. People are looking at me, they’re going, “What’s wrong with that boy?”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: You know why I’m laughing? There’s a jewelry store down there. Real fancy jewelry store, has a sign in the window that says, “Ears pierced while you wait.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: See, there’s a lot of people going, “I don’t get it.” You gotta wait to get your ears pierced. There’s no alternatives. What you gonna do? “I’ll be back.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “Poke a whole in them for me.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Under that, it said, uh, “On Thursdays, we pierce them half off.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: These people aren’t gonna touch my ears. I love watching you. You ever look at each other? I love watching you. You guys come in here scoping each other out.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I sat right over there and watched the girl go, “Look at him. Look at him.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: What are you clapping for, dude?
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: You’re the one they were looking at.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: And you do the same thing, only you don’t have a vocabulary like the girls. The guys see something, they like just go…
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: That’s great. Look at me when I’m talking to you, okay?
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: That’s great. Don’t let people put you down. Do you know the Bible says, “Don’t let people make fun of you because you’re young”? That’s beautiful. That’s the way God made you to notice each other and everything. That’s it. That’s great. That’s wonderful.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: That’s the only reason you’re sitting there, you know that? The only reason you’re sitting right there is one day your daddy looked at your mom and went… And there you are.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: That’s beautiful. (laughs) This guy’s going, “You ain’t seen my ma.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: You know, sometimes I just wanna say thank you, God, that you put us in this kind of a world with the, the humor around us, the things that are around us. Even in church, we go to church and, and I have laughed some of the hardest I’ve ever laughed. No, not at my minister, you know.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: No. At me, at our family. You ever notice Sunday morning is the time that you get the most bent with your family? Oh, as a parent, I find myself with my hands around the throat of a child that I love going, “You get ready and you get ready now because we gotta go to church where we can learn about the love of Jesus. Hurry up.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: My wife has a rule about church. This is her rule. Once you sit down, you don’t move.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: She’s here tonight. If one of you stood up to leave for a moment, she’d turn to the friend sitting next to her and go, “Look at that.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: She doesn’t like it when you move. So she gathered us all together and she said, “New rule. We get to church, you don’t move. Anything you have to do, you do before church because once you sit, you do not move.” We all said, “Okay, good rule.” It is a good rule, but there’s gotta be exceptions. We stood up to sing a hymn one day.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I turned to her and I said, “I need to leave. I’ll be right back.” She turned to me and said, “You know the rule.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “You will not move.” I said, “But I, but I need to move. I will come right back.” She said, “If you move, you’ll set a bad example.” I said, “If I stay, I am gonna set a bad example.” (laughs)
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Against her will, I left. I had to. I went to the bathroom real quick, came back. In fact, I got back before the song was done, slid into the row, sat down and put my arm around her. I could feel hostility just radiating from her body. And I thought, “This is ridiculous. Why should she be so angry?” So I put my hand on her shoulder, and I gently just hugged her beneath the pew where no one could see. She took her elbow, and she began to grind her elbow into my ribs. This is a woman I love grinding-
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: … her elbow into my ribs. I turned to her to tell her, “This is stupid.” It wasn’t my wife.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I’d moved into the wrong row.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: My wife was sitting right behind me. (laughs) And the rest of the church is rolling on the floor.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Now, do you suppose that God looked down on that scene and went, “Look, my people are having fun”?
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: No.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I don’t think so. I think God looked down and he went, “Angels come here. Look at this idiot.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “I love this guy. Look at what he’s doing.” Because one of the reasons for joy is that if we just open our eyes, he’s put us in a wonderful world. But that isn’t the only reason. There’s another reason. Another reason for joy that he has put us here is that he has put us here unique. You are not like me. I’m not like you. Each of us are different. You can talk. She has to whisper to other people.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: It’s wonderful. You are not like me. I’m not like you. Kids, it is so wonderful. The greatest killer of people your age in this day and age is suicide. I hate that. And most of the time it’s because kids don’t like themselves. They wanna be like somebody else. I know that feeling. When I graduated from high school, I weighed about 110 pounds. I had curvature of the bone in both of my arms. I couldn’t straighten either arm any more than about like that. I had no ability to turn my wrist. See, I can turn my wrist like that. Couldn’t do it. Couldn’t catch, throw a football, couldn’t do anything like that.
My hands, I couldn’t even do a simple pull-up. I remember a guy throwing a football at me about 12 times trying to get me to catch it, and I couldn’t catch it. And the 12th time it bounced off my chest he said, “Hit the showers.” He said, “You’ll never amount to anything.” And I can remember walking to the showers and feeling those eyes on the back of my head. I got beat up on the average of two, three times a week in school. It was like a school sport in our school.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Oh, funny for you.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: You couldn’t letter in it.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I can laugh at it now, but it wasn’t funny at the time. I’ve had surgery. Now I can straighten my arm almost all the way. You see that? I still can’t turn it all the way. I can’t hold my palm flat. That’s really embarrassing in restaurants. You go up for change.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: The only way I can keep change in my hand-
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: … see, and there’s no way I’m gonna go up there like that.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Put my nickel there.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Lots of change? Load me up.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I wanted to be an athlete. Oh, I desperately wanted to be an athlete. There’s not a big call for 110-pound athletes. You know that?
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: What am I gonna be? Water boy?
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: There is no way that I’m gonna be able to be. I just felt the unless I could be an athlete, I wasn’t worth anything because all of the rest of the kids in my class were athletes. You know what I’ve had to come to believe? I’m never gonna be an athlete. It’s never going to happen. I’m not gonna be able to walk on the Broncos camp and make a spot on the team. I’ll never make it. You know how I know? ‘Cause I can’t do anything that’s athletic.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to laugh with the rest.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Or you’re gonna have to leave. (laughs) Athlete is a funny word.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I, I couldn’t do it. I, I was with a friend in, in Minnesota recently. He said, “Come on, let’s play hockey.” I said, “I don’t know how.” He said, “Just skate around and hit this thing.” I said, “I can’t skate.” He said, “Okay, just stand in front of this net.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I know why they call that little thing a puck.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: That’s what sound it makes-
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: … when it hits you right here. It hit me right there. My lip swelled up to the size of a watermelon.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: My friends are going, “What happened to your lip? Puck.” I’m in California. A guy comes up to me, he’s got muscles in places, I haven’t even got places.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: This guy comes up to me, he goes like, “Let’s go surfing.” I said like, “I, I don’t know how.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: He said like, “It’s easy.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “Tie this leg board to your foot-”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “… and then, like, paddle out and wait for a big one.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: And they’re like, “Ride it in.” I didn’t know what the big one was.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: But I had seen the movie, Jaws.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I figured if that’s a big one, he can ride himself in. I started paddling towards shore. I felt a surge of water. I looked behind me. There was a building-
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: … of water, the big one, and I did not ride the big one.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: The big one rode me pretty much, you know.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I’m 30 feet under the water praying to God for little things like air.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Thank you.
John: You’re listening to Ken Davis today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. And we wanna encourage you with four full hours of clean comedy in a free set of audio downloads. You’ll receive this message from Ken Davis, and we’ll include more from Chonda Pierce, John Branyon, Kenn Kington, and Jeremy Nunes. These collections are great for road trips or just moments that you wanna fill with some laughter. So request the Focus on the Family Comedy Collection at FocusontheFamily.com/broadcast. You can call us for details. Our number is 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY. That’s 800-232-6459. Let’s return now to more from Ken Davis.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: So I moved to Minnesota.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: A guy, uh, I was there maybe two, three days. A guy comes up and goes, “Hey, let’s go water-skiing.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I said, “I don’t know how.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: He said, “It’s easy. Stand here on shore, hold this stick and yell, ‘Hit it.'”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Why didn’t he tell me about slack?
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Boat was doing 80 when it hit the end of the rope.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I’m still standing on shore watching my arms flop around this stupid lake.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Why didn’t he tell me when you fall, let go of the stupid stick.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: He trolled half the lake with me. (laughs)
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Even, even fish are going, “Whoa, Wally, look at that.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: And I lost my trunks under there.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Now I’m praying for two things, air and clothes.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I popped to the surface. (laughs) There’s a boatload of my friends coming to get me.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I don’t wanna be God. I’m naked, okay?
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Fish are swimming around going, “Aw, that’s gross.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: How many of you have ever water-skied? Let me see your hands. You water-skied? Do you remember the first time you got up?
Audience: I didn’t get up.
Ken: You didn’t get up.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Somehow I knew that.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Who got up? Did you get up? Do you remember it was scary, and you’re frightened. Everybody assumes the same position when you get up, first time water-skiing.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: And your friends see you. Are they sympathetic? No. They look back and go, “Aha.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “Whip ‘er in a circle.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: That’s what they did with me.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: They cranked that boat in a circle. I’m on the end of a 75-foot rope doing Mach nine.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Even ducks are going, “Whoa.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I fell. Did you know the human body can skip?
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Not the human swimming trunks, but-
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I, I had to swim to shore again. And you get to shore, you got big problems.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I’m gathering leaves and sticks here- (laughs)
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: … sneaking towards shore. Little kids are going, “Mama, look, it’s Adam. It’s Adam.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: So I moved to Colorado. I was here three days. A guy comes up to me, he goes, “Hey, let’s go-”
Audience: “Skiing.”
Ken: I said?
Audience: “I don’t know how.”
Ken: He said?
Audience: “It’s easy.”
Ken: I said, “Eat rocks.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Nothing worth having is easy. Having joy isn’t easy. Noticing the little things God gives us all around us isn’t easy. Liking yourself isn’t easy. Accepting yourself for what you are and believing that you’re worthwhile just the way you sit is not easy. Skiing is not easy.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: It isn’t. I was up on the hill. I h- I was coming down the hill, heard a guy yell, “Ski.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “Ski.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Do you know what this means? It means a ski is coming down the hill-
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: … alone.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: If it hits you- (laughs)
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: … it will penetrate-
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: … your body. I didn’t know this.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: In fact, when you hear someone yell, “Ski,” you’re supposed to turn around and, and look-
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: … so you can see where it’s gonna penetrate.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I didn’t know this.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I felt like an idiot. (laughs) The guy’s yelling, “Ski.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: And I’m going, “I am!”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “Leave me alone!”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “It’s my first day!”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Have you ever been embarrassed like that? I was so embarrassed. I paid those people back. When I found out what it meant, I went to the top of the hill and came down yelling, “Toboggan!”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “Snow tractor!”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: People went and hid in the woods, man.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Then I went by, “kidding.” (laughs)
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: It was terrible. I paid $25 for a ski lesson. And the guy who teaches me treated me like dirt. He was so handsome.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Had a nice tan. I was totally intimidated. This is what I wanna be, handsome with a tan. And, and he had this accent. And he said to me-
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: … “Today, I, Jacques Benoist-”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “… I am going to teach you-”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “… how to fall.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I was really ticked. I said, “Hey, I pay you $25-” (laughs)
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “… you teach me to stand up today.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I quit the lesson, went and got in line. I fell in the ski line.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: You’re familiar with the domino theory?
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: 270 people laying on the ground.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: These are not happy people.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I didn’t want him to know I caused it. (laughs)
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: So I’m laying on the ground going, “Who fell?”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “Learn to ski or get off the mountain.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: It was a horrible day. Three chairs hit me in the back of the head.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I thought you were supposed to sit on the ground, and it would pick you off the ground.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Nuh-uh. Right there. I have bloods coming out, you know.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I’m going, found out this is a fun sport.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I stood up to leave, and the chair hit me right here.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Within seconds, I’m 280 feet in the air.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I look over, there’s a man sitting next to me. I don’t know where he came from.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Between us is this steel post. (laughs) I wrap my body around that post. I said to the man, “God loves you.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “But this is my post.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “You touch this post; I’ll kick you off the lift.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I got off of that chair.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: And when I got off right in front of me was the steepest hill on the whole mountain.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: It’s not long, is it? It’s only five, six feet long, straight down.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: And I think they ice it down.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I fell. Did they stop the lift? No. Other people get off.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I’m laying here.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: They fell on me. Pretty soon there’s a little pile.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: 80, 90 people. I’m on the bottom going, “Who fell?”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: That day, I got on a black diamond lift.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Oh, it was horrible. I don’t know how, I didn’t do it on purpose. For those of you who don’t know, a black di- There’s three kinds. There’s a little round circle; that’s a beginner’s hill. The only way you can go on that hill is to push.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Then there’s a square. You don’t need to push, and you can get hurt.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Then there’s a black diamond. This means you’re gonna meet Jesus face to face basically.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: A lot of people run from God all their lives. Get on a black diamond hill and go, “I’m Yours, Lord. I’m Yours.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: It’s a horrible hill. I crawled up and looked over. It went under like that. How am I gonna get down this hill? And then I remembered my ski instructor had addressed this. He said to me, “If you ever come to a hill, which is too difficult for a slimeball like you.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Then he said, “You must, um, how you say? Traverse. Do you know what traverse means?”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “No, it doesn’t mean water. It’s a French word. It means go across the hill till you come to some trees.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Then he said, “You’re going to a snowplow turn and traverse the other way. Snowplow turn, traverse the other way.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: On this hill, halfway through my first snowplow turn-
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: … I was doing 280 miles an hour.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I made a simple decision. No more snowplow turns.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I invented my own turn called it sit down, turn around.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I’ll teach you how to do it. Here’s how you do it. First-
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: … you pick up the downhill ski.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: You maneuver the downhill ski completely round-
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: … and put it down.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Okay. (laughs) Now you stay like this for a pretty long time- (laughs)
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: … ’cause you can pick and move.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Good, good skiers come up to you while you’re like this.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “What are you doing?”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Sit down and turn around.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “25 bucks, I teach you maybe.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Four hours later, I was only 50 feet down that hill.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Hey, don’t laugh, I wouldn’t have made it that far, except I was wearing those slippery clothes.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I wanted to die. I had sweat coming from every place in my body. I just wanted to die. I wanted to just get off the hill. I heard a noise, looked around. Here comes a little kid about this high. And he’s coming down the hill in perfect form.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Hair streaming behind him, yelling, “Go for it. Go for it.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I stuck him with my paw.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: (laughs) That … shish kabob, you know.
Audience: (laughs)
John: (laughs) That is Ken Davis. And we’re gonna continue his message next time on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
Jim: Well, I love Ken’s point, excuse the pun, that God loves us even when we don’t love ourselves.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And he made each of us special and unique and has given us a combination of talents that no one else has. And we’d like to encourage you with more clean humor. So we’ve assembled a free collection of audio downloads. Four hours of fun from our favorite comedians like Kenn Kington, Chonda Pierce, John Branyon, Jeremy Nunes, plus this message from Ken Davis. Look for the Focus on the Family Comedy Collection at our website. And when you’re online with us, please consider donating to our ministry. We are a non-profit organization. We rely on gifts to help us help others. In this season of giving, we would really like to hear from you.
Every day, we are impacting listeners like Sarah. She said, “I am a single young woman, and I listen to Focus on the Family using the smartphone app. I love it so much. You’re giving me positive, steady doses of truth and scripture every single day. I believe God is going to bless me with a husband someday and is preparing me through your show. And I’m very grateful for your work”, and that’s why I donate on a regular basis. Thank you, Focus on the Family.”
John: Wow. That is really great, Sarah.
Jim: That’s great.
John: We’re so glad you’re listening. And boy, Jim, she’s just one of the millions of people we reach all around the world.
Jim: That’s right. And you can be part of that outreach, bringing hope and joy to people who need it like Sarah. Please make a generous gift today. And right now, special friends of the ministry have offered to double your gift dollar for dollar so that you’ll have twice the impact. Now is a great time to give.
John: Yeah. We invite you to donate online and to access the comedy collection at FocusontheFamily.com/broadcast. Or give us a call, 800, the letter A and the word family. That’s 800-232-6459. Next time we’ll feature more insights from Ken Davis.
Ken: Having some of the things that I’ve wanted in life has not changed my life. It has not brought me the happiness and joy that I want. His love is what has changed me.
John: On behalf of the entire team, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller, inviting you back next time as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ.
Day Two
Preview:
Ken Davis: One of the reasons for your joy that you have beyond the fact that God has given us this crazy world to live in and beyond the fact that you’re special and unique is that you’re you. He didn’t make any mistakes. Nobody else can do what He put you here to do. Nobody. So find out what it is and go for it.
John Fuller: That’s Ken Davis and we have more encouragement from him coming up today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller, and thanks for joining us.
Jim Daly: Well, as you said last time, John, Ken Davis has been on this show dozens of times. Uh, but we’ve never aired this specific message which he gave to a group of high schoolers and young adults in the mid-1980s. And if you have children or grandchildren in that age group, you’ll definitely want them to hear it. And really, it also applies to any of us who feel a bit insecure at times. We’re including Ken’s presentation in a free four-hour collection of audio downloads called The Focus on the Family Comedy Collection. It’s the cream of the crop of clean comedy.
John: Yeah, it’s a great idea to grab it and listen on a road trip or maybe spend a date night listening to some of these presentations. Uh, get that free collection at FocusontheFamily.com/broadcast, or call for details 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY, (800) 232-6459.
Jim: Ken is an award-winning author of a dozen books, a popular speaker, and the founder of the SCORRE speaker academy.
John: Here now, Ken Davis on today’s episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
Ken: I never will be an athlete. You know why? No. (laughs)
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Somebody here said because you’re skinny.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: No, not skinny. I’m not weak. I never will be an athlete because God didn’t mean me to be an athlete. The day I was created, something special happened. You see, you know one of the reasons you need to believe that you are a worthwhile person. If you don’t believe that God created you unique and you don’t need to be like somebody else, the first person you’re gonna be mad at is God. I’m serious. I remember going to Sunday school and a Sunday school teacher said, now I had just looked in the mirror. I weigh 110 pounds. I got terminal acne. I’m dying of acne. Okay?
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: My parents spent a fortune on Stridex medicated pads.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: They don’t work.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: They don’t. I ate two of those every morning for six years.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: They don’t work. I look in the mirror. I hate everything I see. I walk into this class and the teacher said, “God made you.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I thought, “What happened?
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Did he do an experiment?”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “Today we try something different. We’ll take some of this and mix it with some of this. Oh, gross.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: God doesn’t make gross things. I don’t care how much your parents make. I don’t care what you look like. I don’t care if you can throw a football a hundred yards or you’re like me and have a hard time walking, chewing gum at the same time.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: There’s nobody else like you. If I were to translate a part of the Bible, it goes like this, “That before the foundation of this earth was laid, before the foundation was set in place, God had your picture on His wall.” He knew what he was doing. He doesn’t make mistakes. Took me a long time to learn that. I think what happened when I was created is the angels were all gathered around and one angel went, “Um.” You know, the stuff came by and it just said Ken Davis, he hadn’t been formed yet. And this one angel said, “Um, I’d like to give him the ability to throw a football, um, uh, like 200 yards. Just think they’ll have to come back to make a touchdown.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Think about it.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: God said, “I don’t wanna do that.” Another angel said, “I have an idea.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Well, they’re not all the same. You know, they talk different.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: So “I have an idea. Let’s give him superior intelligence.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: And God said, “No, I don’t wanna do that. Wouldn’t be prudent.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Uh, another angel said, “Let’s give him good looks. Let’s make him extremely good-looking.” God said, “No, I don’t wanna do that either.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: And finally, the angels turned to God and said, “Well, what are we gonna give him?” And God said, “Up there on the shelf, just to the right. Bring me that twisted mind.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Go ahead and laugh. But that twisted mind is why I’m here tonight.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: You didn’t decide to come here to hear a plain person. You came to hear someone who is not right.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: That twisted mind has allowed me to have the privilege of sharing the Good News of the Gospel of Christ all over the world. It’s allowed me to be in places I would never get in any other way. You don’t have to be like somebody else. You want a reason for joy; it’s sitting right in your chair. Don’t try and even be like somebody else. It’s right there.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: (laughs) Guy over here says, “Someone’s in my chair.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “What does it mean?” I thank God for my twisted mind. I really do. The little things that come to my mind. You know the things like I was sitting the other day thinking about how when we were little, remember when you were in school and you always got in trouble for fighting with pencils? I mean, pencil fights were a big thing.
Swoosh. I have a pencil.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: My name is Indigo Montoya.
Audience: (Cheers) Whoa.
Ken: You killed my father.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Prepare to die. (laughs)
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: And remember how bent the teachers would get? “Don’t you touch that. No, you get, give me that pencil. You’ll give him lead poisoning.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: They never did that with crayon.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “Hey, you’ll give him wax poisoning.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I’m grateful for this twisted mind. You see, wherever you are, wherever you’re sitting, whoever you are, one of the reasons for your joy that you have, beyond the fact that God has given us this crazy world to live in, and beyond the fact that you’re special and unique, is that you’re you. He didn’t make any mistakes. Nobody else can do what He put you here to do. Nobody. So find out what it is and go for it. You don’t have to be like somebody else.
The last reason for joy, and the greatest one of all, is that He loves us. And I never fully understood this. In fact, I’m not sure I do now. But the whole idea that the Creator of this universe, the person that made these mountains, it’s hard to go into the mountains and go, “God, you’re nothing.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Those things are big. Isn’t it interesting? You ever watch people in hurricanes or something like that? People who never believed in God suddenly go, “Maybe.” This is a big God. Create the universe. We can’t even see to the end of where He created. Why should He care about you? Why should He care about me? I don’t know. But I’m glad that He did. My children have helped me understand this because I have a really strong love for my children. I have two daughters. I mess with their minds bad too.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: It’s really fun to boys come to see my oldest daughter. And, uh, a, a kid came, I laughed so hard. I watched him come to the doorbell three times and he couldn’t do it.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: And I was standing there watching him, and he went away. And he came to the doorbell again. First time I figured I’m gonna have fun with this.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: So the third time he came to the door, I was just standing there and I opened it. And I had two butcher knives in my hand.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: My youngest daughter, when God made her, He had a little twisted mind left over.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I come into the house; she’s got a 20-pound test fishing line tied around her tooth. The other end is tied to a doorknob. I’ve never seen this before. She’s going, “Dong, dong.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I can hear this thing. I can hear the strings almost breaking. Dooiiing. Her hair’s flying.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Little bits of spit flying all over the… I said, “What are you doing?” She said, “I’m pulling my tooth.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I said, “Come here.” I felt her teeth. I said, “It’s not loose.” She said, “It will be.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Boing. Boi-… I said, “Quit it.” She said, “Leave me alone. I need money.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I love these kids. And one night when I was putting them to bed, I, I felt that love in such a strong way. And in that moment, I also was reminded of how much God loves us. Have you stayed with me? One of the reasons for joy is that He’s given us this funny, crazy world to live in. Another reason is that He made you unique, especially for this world. Nobody else can accomplish what He put you here for. What a wonderful adventure to try and discover what that is. And He’s not gonna hide it from you. “I made you special for a special purpose. Guess what it is.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: He wants you to know. He wants you to fulfill it.
John: We’re listening today to Ken Davis on Focus on the Family with Jim Daley. And we want to encourage you with four full hours of clean comedy in a free set of audio downloads, including this message from Ken Davis. And you’ll also hear from Chonda Pierce and John Branyan, Kenn Kington, and Jeremy Nunes. It’s a great collection. And you can request the Focus on the Family Comedy Collection at FocusontheFamily.com/broadcast. Or call for details 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY. Let’s return now to more from Ken Davis.
Ken: And so, uh, we were at bedtime one night, and I laughed so hard I thought I was gonna die. My cheeks hurt. My eyes hurt. I don’t know if you’ve ever had this happen. You go, “I think I’m gonna throw up.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: It was horrible. But at the same time, it was the most fun I’ve had. And at the same time, I was reminded of how much God loves us. It was bedtime. We were trying to put these kids to bed. Little kids don’t wanna go to bed. There’s something buried in their mind. Whatever reason it is, they don’t want to go. The night in question went like this. And remember, there were two things that happened. God can choose any time to talk to you. And He chose this very special, very funny time to remind me of how much He loves us, the most important reason for joy.
And that night it went like this. I said, Go to bed.” “Wait, uh, because, um-
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: … wait.” “You’re stalling.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “Nah-uh. No, because I need to, I need to have a drink of water.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “You can’t have water.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “Why?”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “Because you wet the bed.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “I quit.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I said, “You didn’t quit. You wet the bed last night.” She said, “The cat did that.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Now you’re laughing. I didn’t laugh. This kid’s lying to me. She’s looking at me and lying to me. I said, “Don’t you lie to me. Don’t you lie to me. The cat didn’t do that. The spot on your bed was the size of two pizzas. Okay.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “Don’t tell me the cat did it. We, our kitty’s only that big.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “Tell me the cat did that.” And she said, “It wasn’t our cat.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: And she started telling me about this giant cat-
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: … capable of two pizzas. I didn’t laugh. I, I did not laugh. I’m mad. I went into that parent thing. “You lie to me. Look at me. You look at me when I’m talking to you. Don’t you look at me like that.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “You lie to me. How can you lie to me like that? I put a roof over your head. I am the person who feeds you. And then you look at me, and you lie. Now look at me and tell the truth.” And she did this.
Audience: (laughs) Awe.
Ken: “Daddy, I’m sorry. But a big giant cat-
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: … tore off the screen.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: (laughs) He came in, and he was peeing on my bed.” I said, “Don’t do that. You’re gonna get me in trouble.” I said, “Go to bed.” She wai-, she’s in bed 20 minutes. She got real quiet. And then she yelled, she tries a totally different tactic now. “Daddy. I. Want. Water!”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: This freaked me out. I said, “You listen to me. I hear any more of that I’m coming in there. Do you understand?” She said, “Yeah, when you come, bring water!”
Audience: (laughs) Whoa.
Ken: And I started laughing.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I’m rolling on the floor. I said, “Go get your water. Hurry up.” She’s in the bathroom 20 minutes. I said, “What are you doing?” She said, “I’m drinking water.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I went in there and she had been drinking water for 20 minutes. Her little belly is just hanging up.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: She can’t walk ’cause things are sloshing around and it’s… Little dudes in her tummy going, “Whoa, surf’s up. Ride it out.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I said, “Get to bed.” She said, “I gotta go to the bathroom.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: And I had to let her go or the giant cat would be back.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: The next time I looked up, she’s standing in the hall. She is naked. She has taken off all of her clothes. And she’s looking at me like, “Whatcha gonna do about this?”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: She ran past me. And as she ran by, she yelled those words that no good father can resist, “Catch me.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: What I forgot is that naked children can turn on a dime. She went into the kitchen where the linoleum is, erk, made a right.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I was wearing wool socks.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Broke a blender going around that corner basically.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: And she ran out the front door.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: You may not believe this. It’s a true story. My child is running down the street, stark, raving, naked, yelling, “Catch me, if, oh, catch me. I have no clothes.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I caught her about a block away.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: And then I remembered I only had my underwear on.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I, you, a lot of you don’t believe this. (laughs) Ask our neighbors. They’re going, “That’s a weird family. I tell you.” I got back in the house, and I thought I was gonna die.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I was laughing so hard. That’s, my cheeks hurt, my eyes hurt. We just about get done. Look at each other. Start all over again.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: She ran for the room and turned into the room. And when she turned to go into her room, she looked over her shoulder and just kind of giggled.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Now, another time I’m gonna do another talk, but I’ll just tell you this right off the bat, you’ll never know, you will never know some of the feelings that go through a parent’s heart. And in that second, just the joy of that second and the wonderful fun we were having together, I thought I was gonna explode. I just loved her so much. And in that moment, I was also reminded of a simple verse that I learned in Bible school years ago and went like this, “But God commanded His love toward us in that while we were yet sinners, He sent His son to die for us.” His son? How much does this God love us? So much that He gave His son.
I’ve said this a million times, but I’ll say it again. Do you know, I believe that if I had to risk my life to save yours, I’d do it? If this building started to burn, I’d come after you. And I’d come back for you. And I’d come back for you. I believe I would really do that, most nights.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: But not tonight.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Do you know why I wouldn’t do it tonight? My children are here. I’m sorry. I love you. But tonight, you better have the exits picked out on your own.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Do you hear what I’m saying? Because as much as I’m willing to give my life for you, I won’t give their lives for you. I refuse. I’m sorry. But God loved me so much, loved you so much, just the way you are, that He freely gave His son. He gave His son when we didn’t deserve it. Wow. You know how that changes you? I’ll tell you. And then I’m done. Several years, many, many years after I graduated from high school, I went back, went back to the same school. I no longer weighed 110 pounds. I now weighed 175 pounds.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I was going back now for a class reunion and to give the commencement address for my high school class. I was a totally different person. I laid on the beach to get a nice tan. I never dated the whole time I was in high school. Never could get anybody to go out with me. But now I look different. I wanted those girls to be sorry for what they’d missed.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I stood up after the class reunion. People didn’t recognize me. I stood up, about, all but about two of my classmates were there. And I stood up for that reunion and gave the most powerful address I think I’ve ever given. I can still see those people sitting out there. There were kids sitting out there that had beat me silly. There was an English teacher, a dear Christian lady who said, Go out for speech.” I said, “You gotta be kidding.” All my friends are walking around with letter jackets that have macho symbols on them, hockey sticks, footballs, not walking around this school with a set of lips dangling off of this jacket.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: But she cared enough to keep after me and pester me. And so she told me, “Yeah, you need to go out for speech.” And I did. She was there. In that audience was a man who had thrown a football at me 12 times and said, “You’ll never amount to anything.” And I stood up and gave that address. And when I finished, they gave me a standing ovation. They just stood. It was the first one I’d ever received. And I stood there and watched those people applaud. Some of those hands banging together, had banged on me.
And I went to the back of the stage and I sat on the chair that they had, and they just continued to applaud. And a little voice whispered in my ear, “This is it. This is what makes you important.” And that’s a lie. And God knew that was a lie. And He loved me. So He wanted to get my attention. He has a great sense of humor. He reached down and touched the chair, and it fell off the stage backwards.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: The applause stopped.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: Some of those people had seen me fall. And they’re going, “He’s dead.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: “You know that boy, he’s dead.” Others had turned to a friend or blinked. They had no idea where I was.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: And as I lay behind that stage, Satan came with his big bony finger and he said, “See, you’re nothing. You can’t do anything right.” And I reached up and broke his finger.
Audience: (laughs and cheering)
Ken: Do you know, do you know why I started laughing while I was laying there? I started laughing. God wasn’t embarrassed. God is going, “Come and look at the idiot. Look at him. Oh, I love this guy.” No, He’s not embarrassed. Did He love me any less laying back there than He did when I was standing up there taking that standing ovation? No. Just as much. I peeked up from behind the stage. Everybody’s frozen in mid-applause. You know, they don’t, they don’t know what to do. Should we continue?
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: There is no ceremonious way to climb back up on a six-and-a-half-foot stage.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I threw my leg up and rolled over and stood up, and they gave me another standing ovation.
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: And I stepped to the mic. And I don’t remember exactly what I said, but in a concise form. I told them something like this, “Traveling the world has not changed my life that much. Gaining weight and lifting weights has not changed my life that much. Having some of the things that I’ve wanted in life has not changed my life. It has not brought me the happiness and joy that I want. His love is what has changed me.” The fact that He cared enough to give the very best. You see, that is the real reason for joy.
When you leave here tonight, I hope that you will look around you and see the crazy things that are around you. I hope some of you’ll be walking down the street or in a Denny’s somewhere going, “I have a pencil.”
Audience: (laughs)
Ken: I hope so. I hope you’ll see things you never saw before, ’cause God put them here for your enjoyment. I hope that when you leave here tonight, rattling around in the back of your mind will be this thought, “God didn’t make any mistakes with me. I’m going to be what He created me to be.” But most of all, I hope you’ll remember this. I hope you will remember that the God that threw those mountains into place with exquisite care, the God that created the wonderful universe that we live in, loves you more than you will ever know. And that is the real reason for joy. Don’t forget it. God bless you. And thank you very much.
Audience: Whoa.
John: What an excellent encouraging message from author and speaker Ken Davis today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
Jim: Boy, Ken is another one of those special speakers who can weave together a fantastic sense of humor with biblical truths. And we’re grateful for his friendship through the years. And we’re including this message from Ken in our free four-hour collection of audio downloads from our favorite comedians like Kenn Kington, Chonda Pierce, John Branyan, and more. Look for the Focus on the Family Comedy Collection at our website. It’s our gift to you.
And since this is the season of giving, can you consider giving to Focus on the Family? We need your help to bring hope and joy to families who have nowhere else to turn. Over the years, we’ve been working hard to restore marriages, coach overwhelmed parents, and protect the sanctity of human life. And in many cases, we’ve helped smaller ministries expand their reach across the nation to serve more hurting people.
In fact, we recently heard from the leader of a pro-life outreach. He said this, “Never underestimate the power of a single radio show. 25 years ago, I heard a Focus on the Family broadcast featuring a Lutheran pastor who likened American culture to that of pre-war Nazi Germany. And he encouraged Christians to get more involved in public policy. That one show propelled me into active pro-life work, which has led to more than 1 million people getting involved in our ministry, saving the lives of 25,000 babies.”
John: Hmm, my goodness. What an example of how God uses this radio show, this podcast.
Jim: It’s humbling, John. I feel so blessed to be a part of it. And you can be a part of our ministry too. Part of that impact when you become a donor, we have the staff and the know-how. We just need to provide the rocket fuel to keep us going. And right now, special friends of this ministry are offering to double your gift dollar for dollar so that you’ll have twice the impact. Get in touch with us to today.
John: Yeah. Donate online and access the comedy collection at FocusontheFamily.com/broadcast. Or you can donate over the phone. Our number is 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY. That’s (800) 232-6459.
We hope you have a great weekend and that you come back on Monday. We’ll hear from author Annie McCune who’s gonna encourage you to be a person who practices hospitality.
Annie McCune: The Surgeon General just wrote a report, one in two of all Americans are suffering physically or mentally from isolation and-
John: Hm.
Annie McCune: … and loneliness, which means somebody’s gotta get it started. You know?
Jim: (laughs)
Annie McCune: (laughs) And, and what a better people to breach that than the people-
Jim: Hm.
Annie McCune: … who know God.
John: Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.
