Focus on the Family Broadcast

Kenn Kington: Can I have a hot dog? She goes, “Yeah. Would you like anything on that?” I said, “Well, what do you got?” She goes, “Well, you can get mustard or nothing or both.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Give me both.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Let’s see you pull that one off.

Audience: (laughs)

John Fuller: (laughs) What an interesting conversation. And we’re going to have more observational humor from Kenn Kington today on this Best of 2023 episode of Focus on the Family. Your host is Focus on the Family president and author, Jim Daly, and I’m John Fuller.

Jim Daly: You know, life can be heavy, especially lately, but the Bible tells us that a joyful heart is good medicine. So we want to share that prescription for you on today’s broadcast. Our guest is one of my favorite comedians, Kenn Kington, and Kenn has been featured on Comedy Central and countless media outlets. And this is one of our top programs of the year. In fact, it’s had over 100,000 views on our YouTube channel.

John: Yeah, he is such a, a popular guest. He always makes me laugh, and, uh, here now is Kenn Kington on Focus on the Family.

Kenn: I’m also glad to be here. Have you ever had one of those trips where things didn’t go right? Four hours late in my flight and I get in the rail car and I’m flying down the road because I’m already late and I, I’m, I’m getting dressed on the interstate while I’m driving, which is not a good combination. And then I realize I’ve forgotten. I’ve forgotten. So I call my wife and I’m like, “Honey, I forgot, I forgot, I forgot.” She goes, “What’d you forget this time?” I said, “I forgot socks.” She goes, “Well, calm down, Sparky. They sell these in stores.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I’m like, “Yeah, but you don’t understand. I don’t have time. I’m late already and I don’t know where, I don’t know where the shoe stores are. I just need to find socks.” She goes, “Well calm down. Okay, okay, okay. I, I think drugstores carry socks. I’m sure there’s one on the way. Try a drugstore.” Good news. Drugstores carry dress socks. Bad news, drugstores only carry women’s dress socks.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Good news. They’re really comfortable.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: And I’m sitting there. Do I get them? Do I not get them? Do I get them? I don’t have time. Do I get them? And I saw one size fits all. And I know some women with some pretty honking feet, okay?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: So I grabbed them. And I actually wore them. Here they are. Okay, I want you to see these, all right? Yeah?

Audience: Whoo.

Kenn: Whoo. But I love the fact that my wife always has the answer. She is the smartest woman I’ve ever met. Literally, the smartest. Not only just beautiful, but smart. She’s, she was in, she would tell me how she was in advanced classes. Tell her how I was in special classes.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: She used to get paid for her grades. Anybody here ever get paid for your grades? Did you really? That’s incredible. How many of you are like me, two days before report cards, practiced forging your parents’ signature?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Okay, yes. These are my people. My wife actually said this about a year after we were married. She goes, “I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this or not, but kindergarten through college, I only made one B.” I was like, “Me too.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Because it’s not easy. It’s not easy. The, the, I always said this one thing, because everybody has a glitch. And as beautiful as my wife is, as smart as my wife is, as intimidating as she is, she has a glitch. And her glitch is something we call isms. Heather isms. Because she says phrases that really don’t make sense except to her.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: We were talking with some friends the other day, she’s saying what a great friend she is. She says, I am a great friend. I am as loyal as a heart attack.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I don’t think I want you to be my friend.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: And she gets it honestly. We were playing a game with her parents the other night. Her dad after a move says, “Hey, whatever, turns your boat.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Would that be a rudder?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Now the great part is they usually pop up when we’re having an argument. And they’re just over. They’re just over at that point. I’ll give you an example. We were talking about our checkbook one day, and going back and forth, she goes, “Well, you can’t milk a dead horse.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: How do you argue with that?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: She caught me in something one time, she goes, “You are treading in hot water.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I said, “Honey, I can be treading on thin ice, or I can be in hot water, but if I’m treading in hot water, that’s a jacuzzi.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Don’t really mind being there. Now, I love this, she plays Bunco with some of our neighbors in, in the neighborhood. Do you guys know what Bunco is?

Audience: Yes.

Kenn: It’s a game and it, wh- it’s a Greek word that means, stands for gossip while holding dice.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Okay, that’s, that’s what it means. (laughs) And she came back one day and she goes, “Oh.” I said, “How did it go? Who was there?” And she’s telling me about it. And she goes, “You know, I just needed that time with those other ladies. It’s such a wonderful bondage experience.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I don’t think you can go back.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: One of my favorites, I was out in California on tour, I called her, I said, “Hey, honey.” I said, “I can’t wait to get home.” She goes, “When are you coming home?” I said, “I land tomorrow afternoon.” She goes, “Oh, oh.” I said, “Yeah, I got the first flight out in the morning.” She goes, “Oh man, you couldn’t catch the Jedi flight?”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Yeah, I don’t think Han Solo’s doing that one anymore.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Kind of hard to find a good Wookiee these days. And I mean this comes out of the fundamental level of her being. We discovered this about three weeks ago, coming back from spring break. She’s in the backseat trying to get our two-year-old daughter to go to sleep in her car seat. And she sings, (singing) Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Up above the-

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: … world so high, like a diamond in the sky. And she looks at me and she goes, What’s the next line?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I said Q R S…

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: And she’s not alone. I love that people started writing these in and sending them to me. A buddy of mine calls me this past week. He’s like, “My boss in our meeting. He says, you know what, we’ve got a busy quarter ahead of us, but let’s not get the chicken in front of the horse.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Okay. I did a state fair in Missouri. They said, “Go get something to eat at the hospitality tent.” And this poor girl must’ve been in the sun too long. I said, “Hi, what do you got?” She goes, “Hamburgers and hot dogs.” I said, “Can I have a hot dog?” She goes, “Yeah, would you like anything on that?” I said, “Well, what do you got?” She goes, “Well, you can get mustard or nothing or both.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Well, give me both. Let’s see you pull that one off.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: (laughs) And they’re all around and they’re happening around me too because my, I went in to wake up my son the other day for school. My oldest son, he loves school. I said, “Graham, are you ready for school?” He goes, “Dad, I’m happy as a muffin.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: You’ve been hanging out with mom, haven’t you?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I love being a husband. I love being a dad. I really do. But there’s certain parts of being a dad that don’t make sense. I have no money.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I make money, I just don’t have money.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: My daughter and me are different. I have a duct tape wallet. I’m not making this up. This is my wallet. It is made of duct tape from a camp two years old and, two years ago from my boys. My daughter, who has never had a job and has no money, has five purses.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: That only makes sense if you’re a dad. I go to the ATM. I go to deposit a check. I let my son, I said, punch in the secret code, punch in the amount, punch in deposit. And he, I said, “Now put the envelope in.” And he puts it in, and he goes… I said, what? He said, “Where’s the money?”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I said, it’s a deposit. “We just put the deposit in.” He goes, “Mom always gets money.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Yes, that is the way it works.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: My wife got a part time job. She’s done very well. We have our money and her money.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Her money and our money. I still have no money.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: It’s amazing to me the way that works. And over time I got to thinking, “You know what, there’s got to be something to this. There’s got to be something to this.” And it’s about being a dad. See, being a dad, things happen. And I want to know from some of you who have been a dad for a while, when these things happen. Because I started noticing some of them in me, and I’m, I’m scared because I’ve seen some of you.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: My dad used to give me a hard time about having long hair. I had a big afro when I was a kid, long hair. And I felt bad about it until I saw him go swimming. Might have had a very short hair, except for this thing on top. And when it got wet, vroo.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Have you seen these, these comb over things? It’s like vroo. They grow like eight feet long. Vroo, vroo, vroo.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Shh. I was at the bank the other day in line behind a guy, he had a part right here.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Vroo. I wanted so badly for him to turn around so I could go…

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: See what would happen. I’m going to give away a secret that you, I, I’m going to get kicked out of the man club for this. If you’re, if your husband is a dad and you ever want him to stop doing something that’s irritating or whether it’s something he says he wears or he does, here’s how you end it. All you got to do is next time he says it does it or wears it you just go, “That is so neat.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: And he’ll say, what? And then you repeat whatever it is he said, did or wore, and then you add the words, “That is just like your dad.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: He will never say it. He will never wear it. He will never do it again.

John: You’re listening to Focus on the Family and a great presentation from Kenn Kington today. And we have a CD of this presentation with extra content and that’s available when you make a donation of any amount to the ministry today. Just call 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY. 800-232-6459, or you can donate online and request it at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Let’s return now to more from Kenn Kington.

Kenn: You can tell how old a tree is by how many rings it has.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: You can tell how old a man is by how high his waistline is.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: This is junior high. And then you get up to around high school, then college. And then at some point in time, that just crawls up there.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: My dad meets me at the door like this now. He’ll go, “Hey, you got a little spare tire on there, son?” Spare tire? Not me. I wear the same waist size I wore in high school.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I’m like, “Yeah, dad, but I never have the problem of getting underarm deodorant on my waistband. That never happens to me. Never happens.” And what gets me is that, I, I mean, I look at some of these guys and they got their shorts up and their hair swooped, wearing dark socks with flip flops.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: And at some time they looked in the mirror and went, “Ah, this looks good.” When does that happen? But it’s amazing to me that you know in, in time not only do I see that as a dad but it, but life can get difficult. It can just be hard sometimes. I was flying from Corpus Christi, Texas to Phoenix, Arizona. Now get the, get the geography on this, Texas to Arizona. I get to the airport at 5:45 in the morning, I go, “Yeah, I’m flying to Phoenix.” And they go, “I’m sorry, your flights have been canceled. There was a winter storm in Atlanta.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: He says, “But good news, we’ve rebooked you. We’ll have you there tonight at 9:30.” And I said, “Is there another flight?” And he’s like, “Oh no, that’s the best we can do.” I’m like, “That’s the best you can do?” I said, “It’s 5:50 in the morning.” “I’m sorry. That’s the best we can do.” “That’s the best you can do?” I said, “You’re telling me from right now, 5:50 in the morning till tonight at 9:30, there’s only one airplane leaving from this region of the country flying to Phoenix, Arizona?” And he says, “Well, of course not.” I said, “Okay, let’s start there…”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: “… and work backwards.” And he types. “Oh, well, you probably won’t want to do this, but I can place you from Corpus, Houston. Houston, Salt Lake. Salt Lake, Phoenix. You can be there by 4:30.” I’m like, “Do that.” And he says, “Okay, dude.” I just said, “Do I need to take my bag?” “No, we’ll take care of it.” It was going great until I got to Salt Lake City. I thought I had two hours, but I didn’t because I heard my name over the loudspeaker. “Kenn Kington, please report to gate E18 immediately. Kenn Kington, E18.”

I’m like, I took off running. I get to gate E18 and I’m like, “I’m, I’m Kenn, is the flight still here? Is it…” Like, “Oh yeah, it’s not for another hour and a half.” I’m like, “Why are you calling my name?” They’re like, “Oh, are you Kenn?” I’m like, “Yeah.” And they’re like, “You need to talk to those guys.” Two ramp workers, the knee pads and the headphones, and I said, “Hi, I’m Kenn Kington. Is there something I can help you with?” They’re like, “Oh, do you want to tell him or do you want me to tell him?”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I said, “Tell me what?” They said, “Um, I don’t know how to tell you this, but, uh, your, your bag, uh, it didn’t make it.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: And I fly 200 flights a year. That happens a couple times a year.  And I said, “Well, did it not make it from Corpus to Houston or Houston to here?” And they both looked at me and went, “Um, uh, no, it got here…”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: “… but it didn’t make it.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: (laughs) I said, “I’m, I’m so sorry, I’m, I’m, I’m not following you. I’m so sorry, I’m a little slow and I was in special class, you know?”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: And he says, “Well, uh, see, there was a roller and an accident. Your, your bag is gone. We think we saved most of what was inside of it, but your bag is gone.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I said, “Can I see it?” And they both went, “No.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I said, “I can’t see it?” And they said, “The biggest piece is about this big.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: And sure enough, when I finally got my stuff, it had exploded on the tarmac. There were airplane wheel marks across my clothes.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I said, “Well, okay.” I said, “Well, is there a reason why you called me?” They said, “Yeah, we’re putting it in a temporary container. We just want to let you know you can make a claim when you get to Phoenix.” I’m like, okay. And they said, “Well, you’re taking this pretty well.” I’m like, “Well, the, you know, is there anything I can do?” They’re like, “No, but you know, you’re…” It was a flight on time, yeah, so I get to Phoenix.

And I’m sitting there with the baggage claim. Now, it’s not like Atlanta where it comes out of the bottom or out the sides at most airports. In Phoenix there’s two that come out of the ceiling and they come down. And I’m standing there with about 80 people and it dawns on me, as the luggage begins to come down, I have no idea what I’m looking for.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I figure I’ll just wait. And then it became painfully obvious what I was looking for.  I want you to picture the largest garbage bag you have ever seen.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: And the reason I knew it was mine is because it was clear.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Here comes my shoes and my underwear and… So now I’m gonna let it, you know, I’m gonna let everybody leave before I leave. And it, that didn’t work. People are taking their luggage and then watching this thing go around, you know?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: (laughs) I look like some hobo Santa Claus walking through the airport.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: But you know what? I, I, life happens like that. And I need help, and people need help, and we need each other, and I, we need help, and I wish there were signs for help, but there’s not. There’s signs for everything else, but not for things that matter. I was on, in Orlando, Florida. If you’re ever down there, look in I4. In the median on I4 in Orlando, Florida. They have a sign. They have paid hundreds of dollars to put this sign up. Do not mow.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Apparently, there’s some renegade landscapers…

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: … in Florida driving around, going, “Hey, Bubba. Have you seen any cops?”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: “Break out the John Deere, we’re cutting some grass. Woo.” What? And they’re dumbing down signs? They used to have a sign, “Deer Crossing.” Do you remember that one? Then they changed it to get on the Christmas theme, “Deer X’ing.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Apparently that was too hard, so now it’s just a picture of a deer.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I shared that in Ohio. This guy came up and goes, “I can’t believe you said that.” He says, “My wife hit a, hit a deer less than a hundred yards from one of those signs last week.” And I was like, “Dude, I’m so sorry.” (laughs) He’s like, “No, no, no, that’s not what I’m telling you.” He says, “They called me. I went out, she was okay, and I couldn’t help it but I said, ‘Honey, did you not see the sign?’”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Her response, “I never thought they’d come from the other way.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: You’re gonna need to give me the keys. And the signs they could do pictures for, they don’t. Boom, bump or dip. Oh no, they spell those out. I’m just wondering what the poor foreign drivers in our country are doing when that comes up, you know? “Hey, Franz. Franz, these signs come up here. What do these signs mean here?” Boom, boom.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I think these signs mean bump.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Now, I talked to a friend of mine at DOT. I said, “How much are those signs?” He says, “They’re like three to five hundred dollars to make them.” It would cost a crew anywhere from 3 to $500 to put them in. Here’s my idea. Why not just take the $1,300 and fix the bomb?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Maybe it’s just me. Yeah. Oh, this is one of my favorites. We went to Maui for our 10-year-anniversary. We’re on the road to Lahaina. Beautiful mountains and the cliffs and the water and we’re pulling up to where the mountain goes into the ocean. And there’s a tunnel. 10 feet in front of the tunnel, 10 feet in front of the tunnel there is a sign with one word and all it says is…

Audience: … Tunnel.

Kenn: … Tunnel.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Who is struggling with this?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Who is driving going, “Ah, there’s a hole.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: “There’s a hole in the mountain. There’s a hole. Uh, oh, it’s a tunnel.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: “I didn’t see the sign. It’s a tunnel. Who knew?” It’s not right. And then I get to thinking in my life, you know, there’s, there’s times where I think, “You know what? I, I don’t get it. Being a dad, I don’t get it.” And it’s becoming more confusing. Used to be able to just dress, jeans and khakis, you’re fine. And I used to be able to do events where I’d just say, “Hey, it’s, it’s either dressy or casual.” Now it’s like, confused.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Say, business casual. What does that mean anymore? Used to mean no tie, then no tie, no coat. Then no tie, no coat, maybe khakis. Then no tie, no coat, maybe khakis, maybe jeans, maybe t-shirt. Now it’s t-shirt, short, flip flops. It’s gonna be a speedo pretty soon, is what it’s gonna be.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Honey, where’s my loincloth?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: It’s casual day. I mean, it’s confusing, but I love my life. I love it, and I had an epiphany, a moment where it just, and it all came together. This past summer, we were coming back from vacation. 10 minutes, packed up, and we’re going, 10 minutes, come to a red light. As I’m at the red light, I look out the window, there’s a brand new pickup truck right next to me. I’m like, “Ah.” And then I looked in the back, there’s a beautiful golden retriever with the head out the window, I’m like, “Whoa, cool dog.” And in the back, brand new Harley Davidson chrome package. The guy looked over, I’m just like, har, har, har.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Because that’s what we do. And he looked over at me and he kind of, “Ha,” back and kind of laughed. And I was like, “What is he laughing at?” And then it dawned on me, I’m in a minivan.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: It is impossible to look cool in a minivan.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: And I’m not buying really cool toys for thousands of dollars, I’m spending hundreds of dollars on things you don’t call your friends about. I don’t go, “Hey Rob, come over, I’ve got a new water heater.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: “No, we’ll wash our hands. It’ll be great.” You don’t do that. And I’m just, so I started to distract myself. I kind of fiddled with the mirror and I saw, I saw something I have never seen before in my life. On the top of my ear, there is a hair…

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: … growing straight out. It’s like this long. That’s not the bad part. I looked at my wife. I said, “Heather, look at this.” Her response. “Oh yeah, I saw that the other day.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: What? You thought I wanted that though? Braid it with the others, make a little ponytail or something?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: That was interrupted by my two boys in the back fighting over who gets to pick the movie and who gets the electronics and-

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: … that was interrupted by them going, “Daddy Kennedy smells bad.” And sure enough, the smell waves forward, and I’m thinking, “10 minutes? We’ve been on the road 10 minutes. Why not 10 minutes ago? Why not 10 minutes from now?” And if you were a dad, you knew what I was doing. I’m calculating how far can I go, focused, without having to stop before this smell burns my eyes shut.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: That is interrupted by my dog discovering that other dog and begin to barking at that dog. I call him a dog. I wanted a dog.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: My wife said, “Let’s get a dog.” And I’m like, “Yeah.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I’m thinking German shepherd, golden ret… We have a 12-year-old four and a half pound Yorkshire terrier.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: It’s like having a barking hamster.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: The only thing dog size on my dog is his tongue. He has a, if you took a German shepherd tongue. Grafted it to a gerbil. That’s what I’ve got.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: He falls asleep. The drool spot is bigger than he is. And the light turned green and we began to go. And as we drove off, it was as if this voice came to my head, “Kenn, if you could switch right now, if you could choose, if you could choose right now, you could choose the new truck and the new dog, and the cool motorcycle, or you can keep the minivan and the wife that leaves you hanging, and the kids in the back, and the smell, and the barking hamster.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: “Which do you want?” I gotta tell you, 10 times out of 10, I would choose the minivan. Because I have found more joy, and more purpose, and more fulfillment, and more comedy material…

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: … in that minivan. And that is why the greatest joy of my life, and what I do, is because I am a dad. God bless you, and thank you for coming tonight.

Audience: Woo.

John: Well, what a fun and profound thought from our guest today, Kenn Kington. And, uh, this reminder, this is one of our most popular programs of the year.

Jim: It sure is. And I love that image there with Kenn’s wife, the kids and the dog and the minivan, because that’s the essence of family. Uh, yes, it’s messy and chaotic, but in the midst of that, parents are shaping the next generation, the future sharers of the gospel and the future voters of our nation. It’s a critically important job because without families, nations crumble. And we’ve seen that time and time again throughout world history.

And here at Focus on the Family we are working hard to provide help and hope to families so that they can thrive. We want to help you in your marriage and give you the tools you need to have a great partnership together. We want to help you in your role as a parent in every age and stage of your child’s life. In fact, we’ve just launched a free digital newsletter that provides weekly parenting advice for your child’s exact age. And most importantly, we want to make sure that you know the creator of the family, and that’s our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

That’s our mission in a nutshell. So if you believe in those values, let me encourage you to partner with us financially. Our research has revealed that less than 1% of those who benefit from Focus resources actually donate to the ministry. Less than 1%. If we could double that number, we could double our efforts and double the number of families that are helped and impacted.

So please, give today. We need to hear from you. And when you make a donation of any amount, we’d like to send you a CD of Kenn Kingston’s entire presentation with extra content. Get a copy to share with a friend who could use a few laughs. And right now, special friends of this ministry have offered to double your gift dollar for dollar so that your donation can go twice as far. This is a great time to give.

John: You can reach us when you call 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY, 800-232-6459. Or donate online and request your CD at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family. I’m John Fuller inviting you back as we continue to share the most popular programs of the year and, once again, help you and your family thrive in Christ.