Do you remember how great it felt when you first fell in love? How happy you were to have found your special someone and the bliss with which you processed every new discovery in your relationship? You just knew you’d found the right person and began dreaming of getting married, having fun and growing old together. You were certain that the feelings would last forever. But they didn’t.
The euphoric feeling of first love is a wonderful experience, so in many ways it can be disappointing to feel your “happily ever after” wearing off. At that point you may even begin questioning whether you married the right person.
Dr. Gary Chapman explains that two years is the average for couples before they come down off the high of new love. Although the reality may be disappointing, he admits, “Let’s be thankful we come down off the high, because if we didn’t we’d have to close down business, industry, church [and] education because you can’t get anything done when you’re in love.”
Everyone eventually comes down off the romantic high of love. The euphoric feelings dissipate, and couples are faced with reality as their differences emerge. But that’s when Christians often decide to hunker down and work on their marriage. Unfortunately, if the real work isn’t being done over time, couples end up just enduring their relationship rather than working on it — and 10, 20 or 30 years down the road, they decide, “I’ve had enough.”
Dr. Chapman advises couples to anticipate the end of euphoric feelings — realize that it’s inevitably going to happen. Society’s message that happiness trumps everything else trips up many young couples who come to realize they won’t necessarily feel happy forever. It doesn’t mean that you’ll lose all emotional feeling for each other, but you’ll need to work toward a deeper sense of emotional love in your relationship.
Work at it? Without understanding that love is more of a choice than a feeling, Dr. Chapman has seen countless couples drift apart — even drifting into extramarital relationships that promise the thrill of new love. If you’re considering getting out of your marriage or if you’re already involved in another relationship, consider Dr. Chapman’s comments recorded on a Focus on the Family broadcast:
We have to recognize that while there is an emotional aspect of love, love is basically a choice. It’s a choice to look out for the interest of the other person. It’s the choice to be willing to sacrifice for their benefit.
And because it’s a choice and not simply an emotion, we can love a person we don’t even like. And when you do, and particularly if you show that love in the language that really communicates to them, you’re touching them at the deepest point because you’re speaking love and you’re speaking in a language that they understand.
Wherever you find yourself on this spectrum of excitement and disappointment, Dr. Chapman believes there is hope. Through his counseling experience with couples, he’s concluded, “It’s when they’re unwilling to take steps and they just say, ‘There’s no hope; there’s no hope; there’s no hope’ — then there is no hope.” But he’s also witnessed that when people are willing to take steps to change their current situation, change typically takes place — there is hope.
Pam Woody is the marriage editor for Thriving Family. Dr. Gary Chapman is a family counselor, radio host, associate pastor and author of several books, including The Five Love Languages and One More Try.
