John Fuller: Today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, comedian John Branyan shares some unique insights on a variety of topics, including why we do the jobs we do.
John Branyan: But you know what? We don’t really get paid according to how difficult the job is. We don’t. We don’t get paid by how hard the job is. If we did, trapeze artists would be the highest paid people on the planet.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Wouldn’t they? They swing upside down and have to catch other people. That has to be harder than your job.
Audience: (Laughing).
John F.: Well, we’re so glad you could join us for a little lighter episode of the show. I’m John Fuller.
Jim Daly: John Branyan is one of our more popular comedians here on Focus on the Family, and I’m sure you’re gonna get a kick out of what he has to share today, especially his closing story about the unique value of every human life. Uh, John has been in the entertainment business for over 25 years and has also written some humorous books. Uh, John, his wife Lori, have four adult children and 11 grandchildren. And he says there’s a lot of laughter and joy in their home.
John F.: Well, I’m sure there is. And, uh, without further ado, here’s John Branyan on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
John B.: Alright. I’ll tell you, uh, I don’t have to tell you, but, uh, I’m, I’m taping this in, in Indiana. I’m taping this in Hoosier Land because I’m a Hoosier, I’m a native.
Audience: (Cheering).
John B.: Yep. And, uh, and I like living in the Midwest. And I will tell you why, because I think in the Midwest, we have, we have heart, we have spirit, we have, uh, we have sensibilities that are different from the rest of the country. Now, the rest of the country, particularly the coast, either coast, pick one East Coast, West Coast, doesn’t matter, West Coast, more so are a little bit uppity about where they’re from.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: And they find out that I’m from Indiana, which they refer to as fly-over country, by the way. “Fly-over country.” They find out that I’m from Indiana. They say stuff to me like, “Oh, you’re from Indiana. Why?”
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: “Out here on the West Coast, we’ve got everything. We’ve got the sunshine. We’ve got the sand, we’ve got surf, we’ve got Hollywood. What have you got?” “Well, we have all of your food.”
Audience: (Applause).
John B.: So you eat that sand, surfer boy. I actually got a brochure. I got a brochure in the mail from Napa Valley, California, and Napa Valley is famous for-
Audience: Wine.
John B.: Wine. We all got the same brochure. And they wanted me to come to Napa Valley and get this, spend my entire vacation touring the vineyards. That’s what the whole brochure was about come to Napa Valley and tour the brochure. Come to Napa Valley and tour the vineyards. Walk the path where Ernest and Giulio Galla have walked. See the wine presses in operation. Vineyard is just a fancy word for a grape farm.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: That’s it. I’ve seen lots of farms where I’m from. I think we should send them brochures out on the West Coast, huh? Hey, why don’t y’all come to Indiana? Look at our maize yards.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Yeah. Walk, walk the path where Orville and Gary Redenbacher walked.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Watch the Natives detassel.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Just a little bit bitter. I love living in the Midwest, and, and I- here’s, here’s my, my general philosophy about life. It’s pretty simple. I think that, uh, anything that is important to us, God surrounds us with. I think the most important things that we’re supposed to have in life, God builds in right around us. Um, like, like air.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: It’s, it’s pretty important to most of us. You gotta breathe a couple, three times a day.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: God knows that you need air. So He surrounds us with air so we can get it, because let’s face it, come on. If He, if He didn’t, if we had to go out and look for air when we needed it, you know, we’d procrastinate.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: It’s like, gosh, I could really use a breath of air. But next commercial.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: So He surrounds us with it. And I think the same is true of laughter. I think laughter is important enough to the human condition that God has built it into creation. All you have to do is open up your eyes. Open up your eyes, and you’ll find stuff to laugh about. He has made it- He’s made funny stuff everywhere. Funny stuff everywhere. Open your eyes. And don’t take yourself too seriously. It’s a pretty simple. Pretty simple message. Don’t take yourself all that seriously. You know, we try to … We try to let our jobs define us. You know, some of us do. Maybe you do. I certainly do.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Um, I’ve thought about other things that I would like to do, jobs that I think I could do. That’s the primary thing for me, is jobs that I could do. Um, here’s a job. I don’t think I could do. Dentist. I don’t know.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Evidently we’re in agreement on that one over here. Dentist, dentists have got it, got it really difficult because, you know, dentists are the only people who can’t move away from bad breath.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: The rest of us all get to. Dentists also are uh … People are afraid of them. People, people don’t like to, to visit them, I, I think. Okay, we’re in agreement on that because really- And I, I think I’ve narrowed it down. I think I know what it is. It’s the waiting room at the dentist’s office ’cause you go into the waiting room, right? And you’re sitting there trying to read a magazine, and they’ve always got really interesting magazines at the waiting room too, to take your mind off of stuff. You know, like dentist magazines.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: You just flip through that and figure out how to do a root canal. And that takes your mind right off of it.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: So you’re flipping through the magazine, but you, the thing is, you can hear stuff, right? You can hear what’s going on back there in the other room, and just the drill. That drill. So you’re sitting there listening to the music. And (sound of dental drill).
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: So I have a solution. Rather than spending all of this technology money on how to make the internet faster, I think we should spend money on dental e- equipment. Figure out how to make- figure out how to make the dental drill sound like a circus calliope.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Then you’d be sitting in the waiting room and hear (circus music).
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Here’s a- here’s an even better idea. If you can imagine one.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Hard as it is to believe, get away from the dental waiting room altogether. Eliminate appointments, because that’s what freaks you out, right? When you know you’ve got a dental appointment coming, it ruins your whole year.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Every six months, you gotta go in there and just ruins it because you know it’s coming. You’re counting the day. Oh, here it comes. Here it comes. So get rid of the appointments. You don’t have to make dental appointments anymore. All you have to do is tell the dentist that you need some dental work done. And all dentists across the United States take ninja training.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: So you don’t need an appointment, because dentistry can strike like the craw of the dragon.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: You’d never know when it was gonna happen. You’d be going through a train tunnel, the lights go out. What was that? I don’t know. But I got braces.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Oh, so it doesn’t matter what your job is. Everybody’s important. Everybody’s job is a dead-end job. And it doesn’t matter because we are- we transcend our jobs. Our our intrinsic value is not based on what we do for a living. And everybody’s important. Everybody’s important. Every job in some way is important. Don’t take yourselves too seriously. So many things. So many things. I I was reading in a, in a newspaper recently, and there was a guy in Australia, so he wasn’t a, a Hoosier.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: A guy over in Australia had a little bit too much to drink. Decided to go swimming, decided to go swimming. So he weighs out into this pond and then dives head first into a crocodile’s mouth.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Yeah, that’s not the funny part.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: So he, he- The guy’s okay. All right. So he, he survived the whole incident. He, he climbed out and, and went to get some stitches. Um, but they were interviewing, they were interviewing this guy. And he said … He said, “At first it felt a lot like diving into a pile of rocks.” So, so he’s got a frame of reference for-
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: This is not the first lousy dive he’s ever made. First it felt like pile of rocks. And then my- but my favorite quote from the whole story came from the game warden. The game warden, uh, who was on the scene, uh, doing his job. He was saying something. He was trying to- trying to teach a lesson, trying to, trying to say something that would be helpful and, and, and wise, um, in the newspaper. And so his quote was, “Yeah, alcohol, swimming and crocodiles are a dangerous mix.”
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Pretty much anytime you add crocodiles to the mix, you know, pillows, baby ducklings and crocodiles-
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: All dangerous things. We’re gonna- we’re thinking about putting crocodiles in the church nursery this week.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: That’s fine. Just check the toys for lead content.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Got no problem with the crocodiles. All right. I, uh, I get to do a lot of traveling ’cause as difficult as it may be to believe, uh, I can’t make a living in Westfield, Indiana. So I travel and, uh, it, it … Again, airports. Airports, planes traveling is another- is another sense that I get the feeling that God is smiling down on me and giving me things to laugh about because there are funny things that happen all the time at the airport. At the airport, if you go through, you’ll notice that there are no, uh, very few signs anymore telling people what to do. Instead, they’ve been replaced by pre-recorded electronic voices, right? That just announce everything you have to know at the airport, all the important vital information. Like, don’t leave your bag unattended. Don’t, don’t leave your bag unattended. Do not turn your back on your bag for a second. Look around. Can you see your bag? Can you? You better find it ’cause if we find your bag, we’re gonna blow your bag to pieces.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Have a nice flight. And they tell you don’t to give your bag. Don’t, don’t give your bag to strangers. Don’t accept bags from people you don’t know to get … Who does that? Nobody does it. Here, take this with you to Denver. Go, go. Go. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. I’ll meet you there. Just go. Here’s his diaper bag in case he fusses.
Audience: (Laughing)
John F.: You’re listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. And that’s John Branyan. And, uh, we have more clean comedy for you in a free set of audio downloads, uh, you’ll get this message from John plus two more hours of fun from Kenn Kington, Jeremy Nunes, and Chonda Pierce. You’ll find the link for the Focus on the Family Comedy Collection at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Or call for details. Our number is 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY. 800-232-6459. Let’s return now to more from John Branyan.
John B.: Stuff they say at airports, the stuff they say, you know, when they- when you actually get on the plane, um, they make announcements. The first thing they tell you when you get on the plane is, uh, they tell you where the bathrooms are. Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to point out that the bathrooms are located at the front and the rear of the airplane. No kidding.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: It’s pretty much a hallway. Where else are they gonna be on the plane?
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Are there people going through the overhead bins during flight?
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: And they tell you … They tell you my- this is my favorite announcement that they make. The captain usually makes it just before they land. They’ll come on the, the speaker and they’ll say, ladies and gentlemen, we’ve been cleared for landing. And they, they always say it like they’re a little bit surprised that that happened, you know. We didn’t know what to expect when we took off. But good news. We get to land in Denver. Like sometimes they’re gonna come over and say, ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry we’ve not been cleared for landing. Yeah, evidently the pilot and the tower guy had a fight over a woman a few years ago-
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: And we’re gonna have to veer out over Lake Michigan until we run outta gas. But your seat cushion floats. Little voices. Little voices telling you, you know, and they’ve got that, that little voice at the airport is everywhere. It’s on the, it’s on the end of the moving sidewalk. Have you been on that ride at the airport? At the end of the moving sidewalk, the voice comes over and says, “The moving sidewalk is coming to an end. So better get off the moving sidewalk.”
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Who is this for? Who gets on at the other end and goes, you know what? I’m taking this to Nashville.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: But they don’t put it everywhere. Where they- where I’d think that they would put it if they think we’re that stupid, they don’t put it on the … They don’t put it on the revolving door out front of the airport. There’s no voice, “Hey, you’re going in a circle. Everything looks familiar ’cause you’ve been here before.” Public restrooms. Public restrooms. Or there’s a source of laughter in public restrooms too. Have you noticed … Have you noticed that they don’t put handles on the toilets anymore in public restrooms? There’s no handles anymore. They don’t think us capable of operating that complicated mechanism on our-
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Now they have the electric eye that just watches you-
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: And just flushes whenever it feels like it. It’s pretty loud, isn’t it? Do we need that much suction in a toilet? What are people putting in there?
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: And the cat died. What should I do with him? Take him to the airport. Flush him. They got the same device. They got the same electric eye on the faucets on the sink. But you cannot get water to come out of those no matter how hard you try.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Gotta stand in front of it, doing the water come forth dance.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: I just dip my hands in the toilet.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Electric hand dryers. They got those electric hand dryers now in the- in the restrooms, those are for your, uh, convenience and they’re also for your protection ’cause they’re more sanitary than paper towels. That’s what it says right there. More sanitary is for your protection. You, you ever been in a hotel and they’ve got that paper ring around the toilet seat that says the same thing for your protection? Doesn’t that make you feel a lot more secure?
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Sometimes I see that. I don’t even lock the door to the room.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: The paper towels there. So after you wash your hands, (sound of electric hand dryer).
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Yeah. ’cause it’s way more sanitary to do this after you wash your hands.
Audience: (Laughs).
John B.: That’s a surgeon scrub-up. Competition. People take themselves too seriously with competition. Competitive. And that’s just no fun. You know, it’s no fun to play with a really hyper-competitive person. At least that’s what my family tells me.
Audience: (Laughs).
John B.: I just can’t help it. You know, I, I, I get that… I wanna win. You know, like the day after, the day after I beat my wife and my 8-year-old daughter at Uno, like, ESPN’s gonna show up. It’s like, “John, you won an UNO last night. What are your plans now?” Oh, Scouts were impressed, huh?
Audience: (Laughs).
John B.: You know, bragging rights, it doesn’t matter bragging rights. They don’t even last 24 hours. You can’t, you can’t sit next to the guy on the plane the next day and say, “Hey,” (laughs).
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: “I destroyed my son at Candyland last night. Blew him right outta the molasses swamp.” When I learned this lesson, I was in, uh, elementary school. I learned a lesson that you shouldn’t take yourself too seriously about the wrong things, but about the right things, you need to understand just how important and vital and crucial you are. I learned that in elementary school from King Tut. When I was in elementary school, we went and we took a field trip to the Field Museum to see King Tut. And, uh, I don’t know if any of you guys are, uh, know him.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: King Tut was an Egyptian pharaoh who, uh, who they discovered his tomb a few years ago. And, uh, they put these articles from the tomb on display. And uh, when they- when they did that, they allowed people to come in and look at it. Now, when you’re a Pharaoh and you die, they bury you with treasure. They bury you with all kinds of, of artifacts and, and, and things that they think you’re gonna need in the afterlife. So they put you in all these things and they found King’s Tut’s tomb. And they took all these artifacts out of his tomb and they put ’em on display in the Field Museum.
Now they allowed, uh, our little group to go in and see it. So we’re on our way in to see the King Tut Museum, and I’m a little fifth year … fifth-grader. And it’s pretty exciting ’cause my whole class is lined up in front of me. We’re on our way in. And it’s cavernous. It’s this huge door that’s pitch black inside. And we’re lined up and we’re pretty excited because we’re gonna get to go and see King Tut’s treasures. So we’re on our way in, and as we get closer to the door, I notice that there’s guards. There’s two armed guards on each side of the door standing there with their, with their guns, and they’re guarding these treasures. And so now we’re really excited. It’s like, “Wow, they got guards guarding the treasures of King Tut. This is gonna be so cool.” So we’re on our way in and we’re making our way, um, back and forth into little maze of, of ropes. You know, they put the ropes up and you kinda walk back and forth because it’s a security thing.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: And we’re making our way back and forth to the ropes. And I’m look- trying to see in there. And I notice that there’s a sign next to the- to the, uh, exhibit hall that says, no flash photography, no lights, um, no video of any kind because these, uh, articles are so precious and so, so, uh, delicate that even light will cause them to decompose and to break apart. So you can’t even take pictures of this stuff. It’s so, so precious. So now we’re really excited. We’re on our way and, and I’m just to the- to the doorway. And I look in and I can see in front of my classmates the first display case. It’s this plexiglass case that’s lit with red lights ’cause there can’t be any, any lights in there.
And there’s another armed guard standing right there next to that first case. So I can’t wait. And I’m getting closer and closer and I’m standing right next to the box, right next to the case. And I look in and I still get- I still get goose bumps thinking about it. I look in and there underneath the red lights with two armed guards at the door was a broken piece of pottery.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: I know.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: And here’s what occurred to me since then. It didn’t occur to me on that day. It was kind of a disappointment on that day. But what occurred to me since then is that me and, and you are like that pottery, we’re all cracked pots.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: And that’s the good news.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Here’s, here’s what I mean. Here’s what I mean. You looked in the mirror before, most of you. And looking back, sometimes you’re not very impressed with what you see. Are you? And sometimes you don’t have to look in the mirror. Sometimes you’re just not impressed with you ever. You’re not as smart, you’re not as pretty, you don’t have as much money, you don’t have. There’s all kinds of things. You know, you know what, you’re not. You know what’s wrong with you. You know where the cracks are in your vessel. We’re all broken pieces of pottery, broken pieces of pottery.
But that particular piece of pottery was guarded by three armed guards. They wouldn’t even let light hit it. It was underneath plexiglass. It protected. Why? Two things. Because it was unique. There was only one of a kind like it in the entire world. And because of who it belonged to, who owned it. By nature of those two criterion, you are infinitely priceless. Because A, there’s only one of you. In the history of mankind, there has only been one of you. And there’s only going to be one of you. From this day forward and from the beginning of time till now, one. Out of all of the people who’ve existed and all the people who are going to exist, you are the only you that there will ever be. And you are owned by a creator. The person who made you was a master artisan.
So by the nature of those two criterion, you should be under plexiglass.
Audience: (Laughing).
John B.: Under plexiglass. Lighten up. Don’t think things too seriously. Don’t get so worked up about things because you are unique. If you don’t sing the song you’re supposed to sing, it never gets sung. If you don’t do the task that you’re supposed to do, it never gets done. How’s that for important? How’s that for crucial? It’ll never get done if you don’t do it because you’re the only one capable of doing it. You are priceless.
John F.: Well, what a great insight from John Branyan on today’s episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
Jim: Wow, John, I love that admonition, that we are all unique individuals and that each of us has something special to contribute to society. How encouraging. And here at Focus on the Family, we wanna be a big source of encouragement for your family. So we’ve put together a digital collection of our top comedy programs for you to enjoy and smile and laugh. It’s all free. We’ll include today’s episode from John Branyan, plus his hilarious look at marriage that we aired last year. Uh, this collection totals two and a half hours, and also features comedy from Jeremy Nunes, Kenn Kington, and Chonda Pierce. Uh, get your free access to the comedy collection when you visit us online.
John F.: Yeah. And the starting point is gonna be focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. And of course, if you have questions, our number is 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY. 800-232-6459. And next time you’ll learn how to cultivate more joy in your family, and why that’s so very important.
Dr. Marcus Warner: You can’t grow joy in your children if you don’t have any joy, you know, in your life. So you have to find ways to build that joy relationally with your spouse, with your kids, with friends. The more joy that you create, uh, relationally in your life, the more joy you’re gonna be able to share with your kids.
John F.: On behalf of the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.
