Barb Rosberg: I will pray that he would be a man that would be quick to say he is sorry. And he would be quick to say he’s wrong, because when a wife hears that, “Oh, is he a safe man.”
Dr. Gary Rosberg: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
Barb: (laughs)
John Fuller: Barb and Gary Rosberg are our guests today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Thank you for joining us. I’m John Fuller.
Jim Daly: John, we’re featuring a message from our dear friends, Dr. Gary Rosberg and his wife Barb. Uh, they are a very dynamic couple who speak all around the world to help marriages thrive. And today, we’re sharing a lighthearted workshop on spiritual intimacy that they gave at a marriage event sponsored by Focus on the Family South Africa. Many people may not know that we have offices around the world, and that’s one of them. Gary and Barb Rosberg are authors, broadcasters, and the co-founders of America’s Family Coaches, uh, coaching marriages for almost 40 years. They have two daughters, and to their delight, I’m sure, a dozen-
John: Hmm.
Jim: … grandchildren.
John: What a legacy.
Jim: (laughs)
John: And, uh, here now, Gary and Barb Rosberg on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
Gary: Let’s shift Barb to celebrating love spiritually. And we wanna just make sure that we highlight some of these issues, because this is important. Takeaway number one is, what’s the ultimate source of connection? It’s a relationship of three. When a husband and a wife are walking with Jesus Christ and experiencing that intimacy.
And, um, you know, I didn’t grow up in a Christian home. And, um, and I met Barb on a blind date. She had just accepted Jesus and a guy had just come to the place I was living in a fraternity house in Iowa and told me about Jesus. And for five months, I tried to disprove the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Anybody else kinda like me, you’re just, you know … It was like, “I couldn’t believe that God loved me that much and He sent a son to die for me.” I just couldn’t believe it.
And so for five months, I studied and I rejected and I would go to this guy’s house and I would pace his house. And then one night in 1973, I was dating this young gal. I had asked Barb to consider marriage and she said, “I could never marry you. I’m marrying a Christian man.” And I thought, “Loser right here.” You know, because I thought I’m, I’m not a Christian man. But women, I wanna tell you something. Barb had the courage to say no to me, because she loved somebody more than she loved me, and that was Jesus Christ. See, that’s a godly woman. And she’s a brand-new Christian, but she knew that she desired to have a Christian marriage.
And so, one night in 1973, I went and climbed on top of a big rock pile in a parking lot because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. You ever been there? You’re just fed up with yourself. You’re fed up with trying to fix it. You’re fed up with trying to manipulate your way through life and you’re frustrated and you’re out of control, and I picked up a rock. In fact, I picked up this rock right here, 1973.
And I remember hanging onto this thing and I just said, “Dear Lord God, I don’t know why you would send your Son to die for me. I’m arrogant, I’m prideful, I’m out every night getting hammered. I’m just, I’m a mess. And I’ve met this cute little gal and, and I want what she has, but I know it’s gonna cause me to surrender and I don’t wanna surrender, because I want to just control everything, but I am worn out.” Anybody ever been there?
And I remember that night, I just said, “If I receive you as my Lord and savior tonight, I’m gonna hang onto this rock, not as an idol, but just as a memory. And I’m showing it to you tonight. But if I reject you, I’m gonna throw this thing as hard and far as I can.” I’ll never forget as long as I live. And then I just bowed my head and here’s what I said. “Dear Lord God, I love you. I confess that I’ve broken your heart. I confess that I’ve sinned against you. Would you forgive me and become my Lord and savior? Come into my heart and make me the kind of man you want me to be.”
And I got all done. I went to a pay telephone. I called Barb and I said, “Meet me on the street. I gotta tell you something.” She met me halfway. And I remember Barb, you looked at me and you said, “You just received Christ as your Savior.” And I remember thinking, “How did she know that?” I mean, it was just kind of, it was strange. But you know what, folks, I’ve never looked back.
Now, here’s the scoop. We’re gonna take a moment. We don’t have a moment. We’re gonna take a moment because out of 750 people in this room, there may be one person that came tonight and you’re in a marriage, you’re trying to make this marriage work, but you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I’m gonna give you the opportunity right now, right in your seat. You don’t have to walk in the aisle, you don’t have to bow ahead, you don’t have to sit a certain way. God doesn’t care about any of that. He cares about your heart. He cares about your heart.
And if you’re like Gary Rosberg, you’re given to a hard heart. And so I’m just gonna pray. And if you desire to know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, I promise you the rest of this evening will make sense. Just pray after me, okay? And for the rest of you that know Christ, you might just pray for the people in the room. It’s not a good idea? Let me just pray.
Father, I confess that I’ve sinned against heaven and against you. And if that’s your desire, just pray that right now. And Father, I ask you to forgive me of my sins and to come into my heart and to become my Lord and Savior. Would you please forgive me? Would you fill me with the power of the Holy Spirit and make me the kind of woman, the kind of man that you have created me to be? Thank you. Amen. Amen?
And I tell you, if you prayed that tonight, I would, I would just ask you to let one of these Focus on the Family staff know, because that would be a great encouragement to us. ‘Cause you know what, folks, if it’s not a relationship at three, um, all these years of counseling people … Before I was a counselor, I ran a prison for seven years. And so I’ve only worked, and I’m 58 years old, so for the last 35 years, all I’ve done is work below the waterline of life with the reality of broken hearts.
Hard heads, hard hearts, and what happens when you’re broken, and the unbelievable work that Jesus Christ can do in your heart when you are broken. It’s your brokenness that equips you for the calling that He has upon you. So as we talk for the last few minutes, we wanna talk about spiritual intimacy. And Barb, one of the most significant areas is the area of prayer.
Barb: It is. Uh, it’s so very important. And I want you to step in and, and talk with me-
Gary: Yeah.
Barb: … about that right now.
Gary: Well-
Barb: You lead and I’ll follow up on that.
Gary: … the first time I prayed with Barb, I just became a Christian. Again, it was 1973. She said, “Let’s go to a Bible study.” I’d never been to a Bible study. So she took me to this Bible study. At the end of the Bible study, one of the girls said, “Let’s pray.” I’m looking for the pastor, because I thought there had to be a pastor in the room to pray. Anybody with me? And so all of a sudden this girl bowed her head and she started praying. We were sitting in a circle, and then a boy started praying, then another boy, then another girl, another boy, and you’re supposed to close your eyes, I think, but my eyes are wide open, because I’m thinking, “I’m not praying, I’m not praying, I’m not praying, I’m not praying-
Barb: (laughs)
Gary: … I’m not praying, I’m not praying.” It was like the Holy Spirit jumped right over me, and I thought, we walked out, I said, “I’m never going back to that deal.” And she goes, “Why?” I said, “They were praying out loud.” She goes, “Well, Gary, just talk to God.” I said, “I don’t know how to do that, Barb, this is brand new to me.”
So we sat down on this bench and we’ve taken our kids there. It was a, uh, parking thing. It was a telephone pole. And, uh, she said, “Gary, just talk to God.” So I remember I took your hand, Barb, just like I’m doing right now. And I just said, “Dear Lord, I want to know you like Barb knows you. Amen.” And I looked up, she had a little tear in her eye and she leaned over and kissed me. And I thought, “Pray, kiss. Pray, kiss.” I started going to prayer conferences, you know?
Barb: (laughs)
Gary: I thought, “This is awesome.”
Barb: (laughs)
Gary: Now, here’s the scoop. You have been told all your married life to pray together, but here’s what I know about men, whether it’s South Africa or South Iowa, it’s hard for guys to initiate prayer. So we’re gonna coach you on how to do that, okay? And this is called conversational prayer. You guys have been married six years, okay? So next time I come back to South Africa, I’m gonna ask you if you got it down. Two days, they still in here or they go home early. All right.
Barb: (laughs)
Gary: Yeah. Hand went right up. Okay.
Barb: (laughs)
Gary: All right, brother, I’m gonna show you how to do this called con- … And if you can get this in two days or 50 years-
Barb: Yeah.
Gary: … or six years, it’ll change your marriage.
Barb: That’s right.
Gary: All right. So Barb, let’s show them conversational prayer. Father, I thank you for my bride that said yes.
Barb: Father, I am so thankful that South Africa invited us to come.
Gary: God, thank you for these great people that took a night to gather around a couple people that had no idea who they were, but they know who you are.
Barb: Father, I just thank you for every family represented in this room, whether it’s a couple or it’s a family. And we just, oh, we pray for them, Father.
Gary: God, we pray that you change this nation, but first you change the hearts of each one of us.
Barb: And I would ask that you would absolutely change something in every woman and something in every man.
Gary: We’re crazy about you.
Barb: We love you, Jesus.
Gary: Amen.
Barb: Amen.
Gary: Amen. And let’s call it conversational prayer. Okay? Now, what’s it like? It, it’s like taking on a cowboy boot and you kinda wiggle into it. Or, you know, gals, you ever, you know, kinda wiggled into your jeans. Barb says, “Don’t say that to women.” All right? Well, I’m leaving, so you’ll never see me. But anyway, you, you kinda …
See, that, it, it’s like this. So men is not preaching a sermon during the prayer. Okay, you don’t have to have three points. Okay? And women, it’s not your to-do list. “Dear Lord, I hope my husband buys me a new dress and paints the house and …” Okay. That’s not the deal either. It’s conversational prayer. It’s just a sentence and a sentence and a sentence and a sentence and a sentence. And then you’re all done and then just kinda look at each other and go into other rooms before you have a fight or something, okay?
Now, I’m gonna … Now, a- a- and we’re laughing about it, but see, some of you, you know what, this alludes you. We’re not saying you don’t pray as men. We’re not saying you don’t pray as women, of course you do, but sometimes it’s hard to do this. And I’m gonna ask you a question. How many of you think you can do what we just showed you to do? Raise your hands. Okay. Now, here’s what I wanna say to you. Look at these hands around this room.
If that happened in Cape Town, South Africa, Amman, it would revolutionize this country. I promise you, you start to pray together. And don’t get legalistic, don’t get weird, you know? Wives don’t sit at the door and go, “Are we gonna pray? We’re gonna pray. We’re gonna pray. We’re gonna pray.” All right? Yeah, don’t do that. Okay? So just, but just begin. So guys initiate it, gals initiate it.
Guys, I promise you, you, you, you, you find this chair and you sit down with your wife and say, “Hey, sweetheart, we’re just gonna sit down. Let’s just do that conversational prayer.” It’ll just take a moment. You’ll begin to take down that wall that’s dividing you to encourage you. Conversational prayer.
Barb: And I’d like to add something that’s a little off the notes. You know, it was about a year ago and we had been working, working, working, working, working, and I was exhausted. And Gary and I were just a little bit, we were like, we’d call it locking horns or just a little bit. There was something under us. There’s something we couldn’t break through. And so I grabbed this women’s magazine and it said on the top, it said there’s, you know, an article how to break through, uh, communication in the magazine.
And I was sitting in our kitchen and our two chairs and I opened the magazine and I started to read it. You will not believe this. I had written the article two years before. And there was my picture and I read it and it was based, it was taken out of the book, Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage. There were four takeaways and within it was one element we’re supposed to pray.
Usually, when we get in conflict, what we have written about you get away from who you’re having the conflict with and you take a moment and go before the Lord and talk. Well, we were, I’m telling you, we were, we were just not getting to the bottom of this and it hit me. And I thought, “Here is God’s Word and it works.” Because we literally write from what works in God’s Word. And I called Gary in the kitchen, I said, “We’re gonna break through this, but there’s something that is at the core of this that is so spiritual, we’re gonna change it around.” We sat down in those two chairs, we held hands together, we held hands-
Gary: Just like you wrote about.
Barb: That’s right. No, but we took it out of order.
Gary: Yep.
Barb: Together we prayed before-
Gary: And we broke the spirit. Yeah.
Barb: … before we talked. And I am telling you, there are times that only through praying together can you bust it. And we broke through it and I don’t even know what it was about. I mean, isn’t that-
Gary: I do.
Barb: … how it goes? (laughs) Okay.
Gary: I know.
Barb: Stinker.
Gary: No, I really don’t.
Barb: But anyway, prayer is so important. Another thing we wanna talk about is this. Take … It’s another takeaway, daily time in the Word. It’s not like you have to. It’s not like you have to put it on you, and it’s certainly not something that, uh, needs to be on a list to do over you. Why do I choose to be in the Word every day? Because it changes me. Because it is as a shower in my spirit when I read the Word. It is as though-
Gary: Yeah.
Barb: … I am in this intimate relationship with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. And if you have forgotten about how great He is, then you just take a hike on up or, or take that little car on up to the top of Table Mountain and you look over your beautiful Indian Ocean and you capture the mountains that God has given to you and remind yourself that the whole world is in His hands and that when you utter a prayer or when you have a cry in your heart and you’ve got one of those help me God moments that He is listening and He has an answer. And it may not happen this day, but it’s gonna happen and it’s gonna happen the best timing possible.
It’s when we are in that Word, we are reminded through the Psalms how mighty our God is, that He is a fortress in time of need, that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength, that He who abideth … Oh, we’re in that Holy place, that sacred place, that dwelling place where no one, no one and no thing can harm us. And it is when we are in that place and there might be something in the spirit that is trying to come between you and divide you.
You stand up and you say no, because of the authority of Jesus Christ, because what He did for us on that cross, He paid it. You’re done. You’re paid in full. You don’t have to do anything, but when you have the privilege of reading that Word, your life is changed, your thoughts are changed. We are the only ones that have been made in the image of God forever. Well, that means we can have the, the mind of Christ through the power of the Holy Spirit. Be in the Word every single day.
John: You’re listening to Barb and Gary Rosberg on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, and we’d highly recommend their devotional book for couples. It’s called Renewing Your Love. And we’ll send that to you when you make a donation of any amount to the ministry of Focus on the Family. We’re also going to include a, uh, free audio download of their entire presentation. So donate today at FocusontheFamily.com/broadcast or call 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY. Let’s return now to the Rosbergs and, uh, in the coming moments, Barb will demonstrate how she prays for Gary as she’s making the bed each morning, and there’s actually a bed on stage in the background there in Cape Town, South Africa.
Gary: We’re gonna show you a takeaway that we think can revolutionize some marriages in this room. That’s why we have this bed in this room. And Barb, I want you to show these men and women what you do each morning in order to guard the marriage bed as we move towards this.
Barb: That takeaway says this, when we spiritually connect, you know, when we give our whole selves to one another, we are taking back what Gary said, taking back from the enemy, what he has tried to steal, the sanctity of the marriage bed. And we go back to that original verse in the Word of God, which is so amazing in Hebrews 13:4, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure.”
I told you a few minutes ago, I was going to give you a tool, ladies, that is so powerful that will rock your world if you do it. And there is great power in prayer. And so I decided, “You know what? We’re going to do a little bit of … We’re going to make this marriage bed holy and good.” And so every morning, you know, we all wanna have an appointment with God to pray for our wives and pray for our husbands. But every day, I wake up and it’s the funniest thing, the bed needs to be made. Isn’t that amazing?
So this is where I have my appointment with God. And if you were in my home, you would overhear something like this. I always start with Gary’s pillow, because this is where his brain has been laying on that pillow at night. And I will say-
Gary: Well, it’s inside my head.
Barb: (laughs) “You know what, Lord Jesus? You know those women that he has seen in the mall, on television, in the commercials, in the name and the blood of Jesus Christ, I am asking for a divine delete. I would ask that you would just delete anything visually, anything in his thoughts, anything his ears have heard that was not my voice. I would pray that there, if there is any voice building him up that wasn’t mine, if there’s any voice sweet-talking this man that was not my voice. If there is anybody that thinks they could even come near this marriage, because of the blood of Jesus Christ, I am praying for this man and my husband. And Lord, I thank you. As I am making this bed, I will pray.”
I just walk down this bed and I’ll say, “Lord Father, I would ask that you would give this man your heart, a heart that is guarded, a heart and a mind that is guarded through the power of Jesus Christ. Will you guard his heart? Because out of his heart will flow his life story. Lord Jesus, I ask that when he puts on his belt today, that Lord, he will re- remember to put the belt of truth around his waist. And I would pray that just that time he spent in the Word sitting in the chair, in the kitchen as he has had his coffee and read some Psalms this morning, that he will be reminded of these life transforming thoughts that come down today and make him even a better man, a better businessman, a better man that chooses to have great and clean relationships.
And Father, I would pray for these legs and I would pray that they would be legs that would run to shed the gospel of peace. I would pray that he would be a man that would be quick to say he is sorry and he would be quick to say he’s wrong, because when a wife hears that, oh, is he a safe man.”
Gary: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Barb: (laughs) I pray for those feet of his, that they will walk truly on the path of God. And I pray that he will not step to the left and he will not step to the right, but he will hear a voice behind him saying, “This is the way walking it.”
And I pray for myself and, oh boy, do I have a list to pray then. You know, there are times that we can be so blinded to our own needs, blinded to our own mistakes, blinded to those things that we have said that have hurt others. I pray for myself often, “Lord, help me to have, uh, not only a sensitive heart, but help me always want to keep it clean. Lord, I pray that when I lay my head down at the pillow at night and I rest my head on that pillow, that I haven’t got any relationship damage that’s on my mind. That if there’s anything I need to clean up, help me to have the feet that will run, go clean it up, run to go make the phone call, run go say to my kids, ‘I am so sorry. You didn’t need a boss, you needed a mom to listen.'” Your kids need you to say, “I’m sorry.” Your friends love it when you say you’re sorry.
You know, it’s amazing to me, if we want great relationships, we’ve got a great God. And if you’ve ever had a moment with God where He has spoken into your heart and shown you something that wasn’t right, it’s so full of grace and you’re sitting there going, “Tell me more. Tell me more. I just wanna be clean.” It is beautiful.
And I will pray, “Lord, you know that spirit of condemnation that I deal with so often, you know, some of those things that maybe I heard when I was a kid, or maybe those thoughts that the enemy wants to say to me, I will pray in the name of Jesus that I will think as Jesus thinks, and I will have ears that only hear His voice, and I will have the knowledge to know the difference between the seduction, voice of the enemy, and the true voice of God.”
Every day, I pray over our marriage bed. Every day, the reason that we experience the goodness of God and the greatness of God, and if there is anything good going on in our lives, it is because of Him. You may experience fear. You may be going through fiery trials. It says that is normal in the Word, and when we are in those places, and let me remind you that in, in the book of Ecclesiastes, it says this, that there are seasons that we go through.
Any one of us married more than a handful of years can tell you this, that life is full of seasons. There are times that we’re building our careers, there are times we’re building our families, there are times that we go through very, very hard times, but in every season we have the power of Jesus Christ to take us through, and it is in those times that we are weakest, He is made strongest. And it is in those times that I have found when I though I can’t even get out of bed in the morning. I can’t lift my head off the pillow. I will hear the music in my ears and in my heart singing the song that I can do all things. I can only do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Gary: And, and you know what? Some of you are sitting back saying, “You know what, Gary and Barb, we have been hurt, we have hurt one another, and we don’t know if we can do conversational prayer. We don’t know if at the end of the day, we wanna learn how to connect and affirm one another.” See, many of you did not grow up in families where you were taught how to forgive.
In fact, the vast majority … We won’t have you raise your hands here, but the vast majority of people when we ask them, “How many of you saw your moms and dads exercise forgiveness?” Very rarely do many hands go up. But then we say, “You know, 10, 15, 20 years from now, if your kids come to one of these events and we ask your kids, do you want their hands to shoot up and say, ‘You know what we saw? Our mom and dad learn how to do it.'” And that’s you. And for many of you, you will be the first chain in the link of restoring the generations to build up your marriages.
Everybody stand, please, as I close this. And Father, we stand in affirmation of the truth of Jesus Christ. And Father, as men and women, measly men and women, every one of us woke up this morning, put on our pants the same way, whether we’re on this platform or sitting in the chairs, we’re no different. Father, we have need. We are needy, needy people. None of us got this figured out. And we think we got it figured out. We’re the most foolish of all.
Father, you fill us with the power of the Holy Spirit. If we seek you, you have promises that you will come into our heart. We don’t have to do marriage alone. And God, we claim those truths. And Father, we stand in unity tonight. We are locking arms in unity, crossing denominations, crossing races, crossing economic backgrounds, crossing what part of town our church is in. And what we’re saying is the body of Jesus Christ is standing tall tonight. And Father, we are standing in courage and we are telling Satan you go back to hell, you got no place in our family. And we give you the glory, the honor, and the precious name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.
John: Well, what an appropriate end to today’s presentation from Gary and Barb Rosberg on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
Jim: Wasn’t that great? And the Rosbergs gave that presentation in several cities across South Africa, and we wanna tip our hat to the director there in South Africa, Graeme Schnell, for making it happen along with a great team in South Africa. Well done.
And you know, uh, when we say that Focus is having an impact around the world, that’s not just rhetoric, not big talk. Back in the ’90s, uh, I had the privilege of traveling to dozens of countries to help plant Focus on the Family offices. And now we are pleased to say, proud to say on behalf of the Lord that we’re reaching almost 18 million listeners in almost 100 countries, and that just goes to the credit of our Savior and the donors that have allowed to make that happen.
John: Yeah, God has been so gracious, hasn’t He?
Jim: So true. And I’d like to encourage you to be a part of the ministry by becoming a monthly donor. Those smaller, consistent gifts really help us stay on an even keel. And when you make a monthly pledge of any amount, we’ll send you a wonderful book from the Rosbergs called Renewing Your Love: Devotions for Couples. And if you can’t make a monthly pledge, we’d be happy to send you the book for a one-time donation of any amount.
And when you visit our website, look for a free PDF called Praying for Your Spouse from Head to Toe so that you can emulate the prayer that Barb modeled for us today. Uh, you know, praying for your spouse is a great way to bring healing to your marriage. And if you need to talk to someone about what’s going on in your relationship, I hope you’ll call us and we do count it a privilege to pray with you and to hopefully give you some direction, advice, and maybe some other resources to help you in your marriage.
Again, we’d be honored to help you in that way. And let me remind you that our Hope Restored intensives are literally saving marriages from coast to coast. Uh, many couples say they feel like they received a year’s worth of counseling in just four days. Best of all, scholarships are available for those who need some financial assistance. So if your marriage is in trouble, please reach out to us.
John: Yeah, and as you know, Jim, uh, Dena and I weren’t in trouble trouble, but we were sure distant. We had some bad patterns going on and we attended a Hope Restored intensive and it was fantastic. And even today, we, we still use what we learned all those years ago. So please get in touch with us today. Ask about Hope Restored, uh, take advantage of the resources we have for you here. That starts with a phone call, 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY where we’ve got details at FocusontheFamily.com/broadcast. When you’re online with us, be sure to look for that free article called Praying for Your Spouse from Head to Toe. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family, thrive in Christ.
