Day One:
Dr. Erwin Lutzer: So why are you burdened with something that you can lay at the feet of God? Now, having said that… The burden may come back. But you do it repeatedly until you say, my past no longer has authority over me. I have a new future. I’m turning a brand-new chapter, and I am on a new path.
John Fuller: That’s Dr. Erwin Lutzer sharing about God’s desire for you to live free from past regrets and heartache and to experience healing through Christ. Dr. Lutzer is our guest today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and I’m John Fuller.
Jim Daly: John, our Counseling Department at Focus receives tens of thousands of calls every year from people who are hurting. Many are suffering because of something beyond their control, and others are living in some kind of despair because of past decisions that they’ve made, and it just keeps coming back to their heart and to their emotions. And whatever started that sin pattern, it might be greed or broken relationships or sexual immorality, whatever it might be, they just can’t get out of that loop. And you may feel stuck in that kind of hamster wheel, and we are gonna talk about how God can set you free. And that’s why I’m excited today with one of our favorite guests.
John: Yeah, every time we have Dr. Erwin Lutzer here, there’s a great response. He’s pastor emeritus of the Moody Church in Chicago, served there as senior pastor for 36 years, and he’s written a number of books. He’s a bestselling author. Today, we’re going to be covering some of the content in the book called Putting Your Past Behind You: Finding Hope for Life’s Deepest Hurts. And you can learn more about Dr. Lutzer and this terrific resource at Focusothefamily.com/broadcast.
Jim: Dr. Lutzer, welcome back to Focus on the Family.
Dr. Lutzer: So glad to be with you again, Jim, and I just thank God so much for your ministry and the number of people who listen. And I want to, certainly, as you have already done, invite everyone to listen carefully because I believe that as we deal with issues regarding their past, they will be blessed and hopefully they’ll be given some roadmaps as they think about the future.
Jim: I so appreciate that, you know, we typically, a lot of the content, about 75% of the programs we do are related to marriage and parenting, but we also concentrate on the foundation of it all, which is your relationship with Christ. And that’s our evangelism discipleship area. So you hit that squarely every time you’re on, many, many thousands, hundreds of thousands of people listen, and I’m grateful for that because that shows people’s interest in getting their heart right with the Lord, which was so important. So it’s a- it’s a privilege to have you with us as well. You’ve been a pastor for a long time. One of the things, I have a number of pastor friends. My brother was a pastor. We have a mutual friend, Pastor Matt Heard. One of things that I noticed with pastoral experience, the older you get being a pastor, it seems like you understand humanity better and better. You, you start with this intensity about right and wrong, which is good, but then over time, seasoned pastors seem to be really good at helping a person who has regrets begin to heal. So I guess the question I have for you is the fact that regret is so widespread and then speak to a pastoral heart in helping pull that person out of the well of regret into freedom.
Dr. Lutzer: Jim, since you raised the issue of age, I should be well qualified to be the kind of person who understands humanity. And you know, I think that what you said is absolutely right. The older I get, the more accepting I am of people who have struggles, the more I recognize the brokenness of humanity, there’s no question about it. And so to me, as I think about our topic today, putting your past behind you, you’ve already hinted at it, but there are two different problems that people face. First of all, what others have done to them, and then what they have done themselves. And the reason I’m excited about this program is because we really can’t get on with the next chapter of our lives if we live constantly in the last chapter. And what we want to do is to help people to turn that page and to say that there’s a future for me. As a matter of fact, I would say that as long as you’re alive, and that’s one of the requirements to listen to our program, as long as you are alive, God still has a future for you.
Jim: It’s so true and you, in the book, there’s… it’s meat, I mean there’s so much good stuff in there for every Christian and non-Christian to read about, but you say there there’s really two main reasons people remain stuck in their past secrecy and hostility speak to that.
Dr. Lutzer: Well, of course, oftentimes what you find is people have a certain persona in public, but really, they are hurting on the inside. And secrecy takes place because they don’t want to know what’s inside. And one of the reasons that I think it’s so important for people to recognize that you really can’t live with all this secrecy until it is exposed to someone who’s able to help you. You expose it, first of all, to God and then to others. And what I find is that there are so many people, on the one hand, if I can think of it in terms of circles, on the one’s circle, publicly, they may be Sunday school teachers, they may people who are involved in church even, but on the other hand, they have a secret life. And that secret life eats at them like termites. And eventually they become so desperate they wonder what they should do. And unfortunately, oftentimes they turn to alcoholism and drugs. And what we want to say to them today is that there’s hope in God and in the provision of Jesus Christ.
Jim: That is so strong and so right. Speaking of those escapes, if you want to call them that, or those life preservers that God throws us, uh. what does God provide for people who are in that spot of perilous sin? If I could say it that way, it’s crippling emotionally because they know they’ve done something that they feel shamed about.
Dr. Lutzer: Well, the good news is this, that there’s no sin that anyone has ever committed that God cannot forgive. And I would say to those who are hurting out there, if you are really going through a lot of regret and a lot of guilt, you are really a candidate for God’s grace. Because remember this, grace isn’t sweet until sin is bitter. And if you’re experiencing sin and it is bitter, you’re a good candidate for God’s grace.
Jim: You mentioned that two important ingredients for that escape route are honesty and humility. You know when you look at the world, I mean look culturally, it feels like, from a Christian vantage point, when you at the strife that we have in the culture in homes between parents and maybe teens or young adults, there is this recurring theme in my mind. It’s we’re back at the garden saying, we know better than God what to do for our own lives, and you see that in the streets. I mean, you see this in universities and attitudes. It’s human beings just behaving like they are in charge of their destiny with no acknowledgement that perhaps they’re created in God’s image for his purposes.
Dr. Lutzer: And of course that’s the great sin of every culture, is man substituting himself for God.
Jim: It just keeps coming back. Dr. Lutzer: It just keeps going back and of course, that was exactly what the serpent said to Eve, right? You shall be like God knowing good and evil. And ever since that time, man has been putting himself in God’s place. And I want to say this to people, your problems cannot just be handled by you. You need God to come into your life and do for you what you can’t do. And so often people get advice and the advice itself might not be bad. But the problem is it doesn’t have the strength to lift people out of the pits, so to speak. And the good news is this, when we talk about the pit, if I might use that illustration that people have fallen into, Jesus doesn’t just throw us a life preserver and say, hang on, Jesus comes into the pit. He lifts us up. He does for us what we can’t do ourselves. And as a result, people are finally given hope. But Jesus comes and says, I’m here not only to help you, but to forgive you. And imagine this, Jim, this. . .this thrills me every time I think about it. Jesus has the ability to take a sinner and present him to the Father as if he has done nothing wrong, as if He’s perfect on the basis of Christ’s merit. So to all those who are out there hurting, hopeless, there’s hope in the gospel, and that hope is not only a spiritual kind of hope but actually results in life change.
Jim: I, I want to read what you wrote. I’m sorry to do that. It’s always awkward for someone to read to an author what they’ve written, but it fits right here. You said, “We must invite God to search us.” And you wrote, “Because God knows us intimately, we must ask him to open our eyes. He is the only one who can truly reveal us to ourselves as we truly are.” Wow!
Dr. Lutzer: Yes, let me say it backwards, wow.
Jim: (Chuckles)
Dr. Lutzer: We are blind.
Jim: Yeah. I mean, it’s powerful.
Dr. Lutzer: We are blind to our own faults. Just last week, I was speaking to a woman who was abused by her father and her stepfather. And she said this, that when she confronted her father, because she had run away, and he said, why did you run away? And she began to confront him. It was as if he was unaware of the abuse that he had heaped upon her. And here’s the point. And C.S. Lewis, I’m paraphrasing something what he said, if you disobey your conscience long enough, it will eventually become blind.
Jim: Wow!
Dr. Lutzer: So what we’re talking about is people not able to see their own sin and see their own faults. And that’s why I think that what I wrote there, actually is based on Psalm 139, you know, where David said, “Search me, oh God, and know my heart.” This is fascinating. Psalm 139 begins by saying, “Oh Lord, thou hast searched me”, and then he ends by saying “Search me.” What he’s saying is, God, I know you searched me. You know all about me but now show me what You see. That’s where honesty comes in, and that’s actually the beginning point of finding our way out of our predicament.
John: Our guest today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly is Dr. Erwin Lutzer, and there’s such great content here in this conversation. So much more in the book, Putting Your Past Behind You. Get the book from us at the ministry, at FocusOnTheFamily.com/broadcast.
Jim: Dr. Lutzer, it seems that the most important map for us as human beings to end denial and finding healing are so critical, but what are they?
Dr. Lutzer: Well, what we have to do is what we’ve already emphasized, namely ask God to search us so that we more accurately see what our issues are. We have to stop the blame game. And what we to do is to make sure that we are as honest before God as we can be. And that’s painful! It’s difficult for us to really admit who we are. And then we have say, as David did, “Search me and know me, and lead me in the everlasting path.” So what we have to do then is say, Lord, in light of who I am and in light of the secrets that are destroying me, where do I go next? Well, of course, you confess your sin to God, you come to Him, and you receive the grace of God. The Bible says that you can be washed. Imagine that, Jim. People with a guilty conscience, they can be washed, and they can be sanctified. And then what you do is you have to say to yourself, now I have to make things right in my life. And I have be willing to confess. You know, if there’s a secret sin that is destroying your marriage, it’s gonna have to be dealt with. I suggest you do that in the presence of a counselor. But at the same time, you cannot keep hiding. And so what you do is, you’re desperate enough to say, I need help.
Jim: You, as an example of that, you mentioned in the book a story about a man who carried around tremendous guilt for encouraging his girlfriend to have an abortion. Uh, share more about that and how he found peace.
Dr. Lutzer: Here’s what happens, okay, and actually, I’ve talked to women who have the very same experience. I remember talking to a woman who said that the minute she goes into a store, and she sees a child like a little girl who’s three years old, that’s how old her little girl would have been if she hadn’t aborted her. So how do we deal with that? The Bible says in 1 John, chapter one, verse nine, If we confess our sins, is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us. If she’s a believer in Jesus Christ and confessed that sin, she has forgiveness, but what she needs is cleansing. Cleansing has to do with the washing of the conscience in such a way that you see it, it may come to mind, but it longer controls you because you’ve been accepted by God and now you see that as part of your past, but it’s not the controlling reality of your life anymore because there’s a new chapter that God is writing in your life.
Jim: You know, I would think that the loop of that tape can play over and over again, whatever the sin might be, and you might have gone to the Lord and confessed that sin to somebody and certainly to the Lord, but it’s a recurring sense of guilt. How do we get beyond? And well, I guess the better way to ask this is how do we fully embrace that God has taken that away?
Dr. Lutzer: Jim, I don’t think that that happens just in a moment of time. You know, you mentioned the word loop. That’s a good way to describe it, where it comes back, but it loses its force, and it is no longer your identity.
Jim: Hmm.
Dr. Lutzer: You no longer say, as you think about your past, all that you think of is the abortion that you had. You now recognize God’s forgiveness. You know that there are attacks that are coming from the enemy. At the same time, you continue to stand firm in the promises of God, and you insist that you be forgiven but also washed so that the power of these memories no longer overtake you.
John: Hmm. Dr. Lutzer, talk a little bit more about that forgiveness and what prevents us from embracing that because it seems that a lot of people get stuck right there.
Dr. Lutzer: Forgiveness is being willing to give up a debt. That means that you lay it down, you no longer insist that someone has to ask forgiveness because that might not be possible. The person who abused you may already be dead. I have illustrations like that. So what you do is you give up that debt and you say I am no longer going to carry the resentment. You know the Bible says in the book of Hebrews that we should watch because there may be a root of bitterness by which many be defiled. To everyone listening you are bitter. Whatever you don’t forgive you pass on. So if you want . . . I want to use this illustration. Let’s suppose that you have 50 pounds that you carry around your neck. And these 50 pounds hold you back. This sack is such a burden, but you continue to carry it. Forgiveness is saying, I’m willing to lay it down. It is not minimizing the offense, nor is it giving up justice. I remember a woman who came to me and said, you know, my husband’s run off and he’s left me with the kids and all this. Where’s justice? Where’s Justice? And you know what I did, John? I turned to 1 Peter chapter two, verse 23. Jesus, who when He was reviled, reviled not again, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself unto Him who judges righteously. So don’t give up your quest for justice, but the Bible says, avenge not yourselves, I will repay, says the Lord. Providentially, as I’ve already mentioned, I talked to a woman last week who was abused. And said this, that when you exercise vengeance against the person who wronged you, it does not bring healing. And yet today, there are many people out there who think that if I can just exercise vengeance, if I can just get even. Well you can do that, you can try to do that, but it does not heal your heart. What heals the heart is to totally forgive and no longer insist that that matter has to be resolved. Of course if it can be resolved in some way you do it but there are so many situations where that can’t happen. Where your abuser doesn’t admit to the abuse. Where the family is broken up, where all of these events happen that you cannot go back and rectify, lay it down. Let me give you an illustration. All of us remember Corrie Ten Boom. You remember she was in Auschwitz in a concentration camp. So here she is in America, she’s speaking, and a man comes to her, and she recognizes him as one of the guards in Auschwitz. This man comes to her and says, I am now a Christian, would you shake my hand? I want to read a sentence because she does shake his hand, but this is what she says. She felt nothing toward him, obviously, you know, I mean, you were my abuser, but “from my shoulder, along my arm and through my hand, a current seemed to pass from me to him while into my heart sprang a love for the stranger that almost overwhelmed me.” And I say to everyone who’s listening… Take that first step, lay it down. You don’t have to feel like forgiving; you choose to forgive. And what you’ll discover is that 50-pound weight that you’ve been carrying around will leave you. And remember this, carrying the weight does not rectify the situation, it does not get even with your abuser. So why are you burdened with something that you can lay at the feet of God? Now, having said that… The burden may come back. But you do it repeatedly until you say, my past no longer has authority over me. I have a new future. I’m turning a brand-new chapter, and I am on a new path.
Jim: And that’s why we use the phrase as Christians, set free in Christ. That’s exactly the point. Sometimes people don’t understand the language that we’re using, but that’s it. Let me ask you this, what’s our best defense against Satan’s attacks and influence? And let me just, if you would, some Christians are very uneasy with spiritual discussions like that, the spiritual battle, because they think that’s a little ghostly, I guess, or a little beyond the pale of intellectualism. But Satan exists, the scripture is clear, evil exists because of Satan, and then you have the battle between Satan and God.
Dr. Lutzer: Jim, in order to go into that in detail, you’ll have to have me back sometime.
Jim: I mean, those are deep waters, but this is reality.
Dr. Lutzer: Deep waters, absolutely. When does Satan accuse us? During the day and during the night. And here’s the important thing. Satan accuses us of sin that has already been forgiven. Many people can’t tell the difference between the accusations of the devil and the conviction of the Holy Spirit. So the devil comes to them accusing them of sins that have been forgiven, and they think it’s the Holy Spirit and they never achieve freedom. What we must understand is that once we have been forgiven by God and the sin has been confessed, the blood of Jesus Christ, God’s Son, cleanses us from all sin. Now what does Satan want to do? He wants to tell us, Well, you’re not really forgiven, and when he says that, in effect… it is really saying that the blood of Jesus Christ is not good enough to cleanse you from sin. So Satan’s desire is always to undercut the work of Jesus, Christ. And how does he come to us? He comes to us often not with words, though that might happen too, but with feelings. You know, you look at the Old Testament and you see illustrations of it, New Testament. What we find is that Satan loves to try to undo God’s salvation by telling us we aren’t really forgiven.
Jim: Right at the end here, the prayer life that we should have. We’ll end on this. Let’s come back next time. We’ll keep talking about this great book, Putting Your Past Behind You. Millions of people should get the copy of this, right? But right at the end, what does that prayer life look like that we should have with the Lord, recognizing He covers the past, He covers our mistakes, our sins, and then how do we pray forward?
Dr. Lutzer: What we have to do is first of all, we can give to God our need, we can make certain requests, but at the end of the day, Jim, what we have do in our prayer life is to submit to God. And you know, you began this program by talking about my age.
(Laughter)
Jim: That’s fairly accurate.
Dr. Lutzer: Fairly accurate, yeah. The older I get, the more time I spend just worshiping God and thanking Him. And if that can become a part of our prayer, from that thanksgiving and from that worship, everything else flows. It means that I’m yielded to God. I’m seeing God in places where I never saw Him before. And so our prayer life is not so much about the requests as it is about the relationship. Why should we even pray if God knows our need? Jesus answers that. He says, God knows your need. And then what does he do? He gives them the Lord’s Prayer. That becomes a model prayer. So the purpose of prayer is not to inform God. It’s not even intended to twist His arm. It is for us to align ourselves with God and relationship is really the heart of it.
Jim: That’s so key, relationship with the Lord. That’s why we were created, the word says. We were created for relationship with Him. Dr. Lutzer, this has been terrific. Like I said, let’s stick with it and come back and talk about forgiveness and healing and all the things that are so important. And I can only imagine for the listener, for the YouTube viewer, maybe this has sparked something in your heart where you’re saying, I have struggled to forgive myself. I’ve asked God for that forgiveness, but it doesn’t feel complete. If you would like to talk, for free, to a caring Christian counselor here at Focus on the Family, call the 800 number. We will set that time up for you to have that consultation. And that’s because donors are able to give to the degree we can do this.
John: Absolutely! And we want to make sure you get a copy of Dr. Lutzer’s great book, Putting Your Past Behind You. It’s probably one of the best resources to help you with healing from past hurts and sins. Uh, get ahold of us, make a donation of any amount and we’ll send that book to you for participating in ministry with Focus on the Family.
Jim: And this week only through September 30, we’re offering a special opportunity, I don’t know who cooked this up, John, it may have been you,
John: (Chuckles)
Jim: the coffee lover, but when you commit to a monthly gift of $30 or more, just a dollar a day, you’ll join our Friends of Focus on the Family monthly partner program and be able to provide the resources here at Focus, like the Counseling Team and so much more. Those monthly donations help make it possible to do all the ministry here at Focus.
John: Right. And the special opportunity that we might have cooked up on the team is that we have a limited amount of mugs that we can send out.
Jim: (Laughs) Nice mugs!
John: … that . . . the official Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, blue, travel tumbler, and uh, we’ve got four ounces of our coffee, that we drink, uh, pretty large quantities of here.
Jim: You know, how often do people say to us on the road, You know I sit down, and I drink a cup of coffee, and I listen to Focus on the Family. That is a large number of people. So now, we’ll make it even easier for you to do that.
John: We’d love to put this mug and coffee into your hands and, again, it’s a limited time opportunity for you to be able to sign up and be a Friend of Focus on the Family with that $30 a month pledge. So reach out for counseling or donate and get the book our number is 800 the letter A and the word FAMILY, 800-232-6459 or stop by FocusontheFamily.com/broadcast. Thanks so much for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller inviting you back next time as once again, help you and your family thrive in Christ.
Day Two:
Dr. Erwin Lutzer: The time to turn around is right now, today. Decide to turn around if you’re on the wrong path. God is able to restore the years that the locusts have eaten. You’d be surprised as to what God can do with the rest of your life, no matter the mess that you’ve been in in the previous years that you’ve lived.
John Fuller: That’s Dr. Erwin Lutzer, and he was our guest last time on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, talking about breaking free from the chains of the past, which keep us from healing through Christ. Thanks for joining us as we continue the conversation today. I’m John Fuller.
Jim Daly: You know, John, we looked at some things yesterday that keep people from experiencing God’s best, including not being honest with others and maybe not even with ourselves, about our failures, our sin, uh, maybe something that was done to us and we’re the victim. Dr. Lutzer emphasized the need for a strong prayer life to overcome Satan’s schemes and to trust in God more fully. Ephesians 5:8 says this, “for at one time you were darkness. But now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light.” Isn’t that awesome? What a great illustration of God’s relationship to us and what he does for us in that regard. Today we’re gonna continue the discussion and offer more help to you. And uh, if you missed last time, you’ve gotta get the download, get the app, do what you need to do because it’s a wonderful conversation and we’re going to build on it today.
John: Indeed, and Dr. Erwin Lutzer is pastor emeritus of the Moody Church in Chicago. He served there as senior pastor for 36 years. He’s written a number of books. And today we’re coming back to this one, Putting Your Past Behind You: Finding Hope for Life’s Deepest Hurts; been revised and expanded, and we have that here at the ministry, and you’ll find it at FocusOnTheFamily.com/broadcast. And some of the content in our conversation might not be suitable for younger children.
Jim: Dr. Lutzer, welcome back to Focus on the Family.
Dr. Lutzer: It’s always great to be with you. And what excites me is the practicality of our discussions as we’re trying to help people, taking them by the hand, taking them the arm, and hopefully leading them along and a better understanding of themselves and God’s grace.
Jim: Perfect and you know in the book you have an illustration that really talks about that, about how addictions in this person’s case and how those addictions devastated their life, living in Chicago many years ago. I think this gentleman was part of the police department superintendent.
Dr. Lutzer: He was actually the superintendent.
Jim: Yeah, and he was on a destructive campaign. Describe him and what happened to him.
Dr. Lutzer: Yeah, his name was Richard Breezek, and the reason I feel free to refer to him is he and his wife actually wrote a book later about their journey. But here’s what really is helpful about his story. He was really a sex addict, and he fell in love with a stewardess, and he tells the story of what happened. But the thing that really helped me understand addiction was this. He talked about the euphoria. It’s as if you are in another zone. It is so euphoric that actually you lose all sense of proportionality. Even when he said to his wife one day, I’m going to break up with her, that very day he asked this flight attendant if she would marry him. Same day. You know, imagine that.
Jim: Hmm.
Dr. Lutzer: So here you have the ambivalence of human nature, but the addiction was so strong and so what happens when you’re in the midst of that? Well, it leads to alcoholism, you know, in order to deaden the pain. It also leads to lying and deception. I mean, he lied to the media and lied to everyone. And as a result of that, you have a whole cluster of sins that come together. And to people who are struggling with addiction, whether it’s alcoholism, or whether or not it’s sexual, or some other addiction, what you always find is they always come in clusters. And so his story was very insightful, and it helped me to see how it is that these people feel so propelled toward this kind of behavior and even taking risks. Afterwards, he was excited by the risk that he was taking. Many years ago, I was speaking to a woman who was a kleptomaniac. And she said, I stole things from the store that I didn’t even need, but just the rush, the excitement of being able to do it and to get by with it was addictive. So what that reminds us of is that we could be addicted to almost anything if it gives us the kind of buzz that addictions give people. And so it’s a terrible destructive kind of lifestyle.
Jim: Well, it is, and I think a psychologist would say that’s that dopamine hit, right? That’s the rush you’re looking for to feel that euphoria that you’re describing. In that context, though, how did God redeem Brejik’s life? I mean…
Dr. Lutzer: I’m not sure exactly except that he says in his book that in prison he found God. And I suppose that that happens to a lot of people who in utter desperation at the end of themselves, having told themselves these lies for so long, finally seek God and God is there for them. And it’s too bad, isn’t it Jim, that it takes that before people turn away from their sin to God. And to all who are listening, we may be talking about the kind of addiction that you are dealing with. Let me encourage you right now to go for help rather than waiting until everything is destroyed.
Jim: Well, that’s a good comment. And in fact, you know, he and his wife did reconcile. They were able to get through that.
Dr. Lutzer: Yes, amazingly, their marriage
Jim: I’m sure with counseling.
Dr. Lutzer: …their marriage was able to survive.
Jim: Yeah, what are the roadblocks to breaking those chains of addiction? Uh, it seems like the entire culture’s addicted to something now, whether it’s screens, or drugs, or alcohol or sex, or I mean, it’s all about coping mechanisms and addictions.
Dr. Lutzer: Yeah., well, what holds people bound is, first of all, a feeling of guilt. The other thing that I think really motivates this is a feeling of helplessness. You know, there are people out there who think that I’m so deep in this, there’s no way that I can possibly get out. And actually, when you stop to think of it, if people are thinking that they are denying the faithfulness of God. Because God says that there is no temptation taken you except such as common to man, and He is faithful. So the first thing that somebody has to do is to recognize that God can be there for them no matter the greatness of their sin, there is also grace and there’s a path forward. Now that path may not be easy because as we talked about last time, it necessitates a great deal of honesty. But at the same time, I say to all those, find help.
Jim: Erwin you’ve written about alien bonds that sounds like a title of a science fiction movie (Chuckles), but you’re saying that in the context of the things that destroy what God intended for human sexuality, these alien bonds. What do we need to know about the power of those bonds?
Dr. Lutzer: Jim, this is so critical. In 1st Corinthians chapter 6, the apostle Paul says this, he says that if a man has a sexual relationship with a prostitute, he becomes one flesh with her. Wow, what does that mean? It means this, that sexuality is more than just a physical relationship. It’s more than a physical thrill. Here you have a relationship where there’s no love. It is simply pleasure for money, and yet God says He makes them one. Now this is why virginity actually is very important, because if you lose your virginity, there’s this sense in which, and I’ve counseled many people who said that after that happened, I had a number of different relationships, because after all, you know, my innocence was no longer there. But here’s the point. Let’s suppose somebody is promiscuous. They are bonded to this person. They are bonded to that person, bonded to that other person. They have all these relationships. And then they go down the aisle in church and everybody thinks that they’re going to have a happy marriage. And what happens later on, often, is that the marriage falls apart. That’s why I tell people that if that is your experience, a multiplicity of relationships, a multiplicity of bonding, what you have to do is to bring all that to God, bring all of that to the foot of the cross, and then I talk about secondary virginity. That is to say, you may not physically be a virgin, but spiritually, I do believe that there is a place of starting again. But it’s recognizing what the sexual bond really is. And this bond is so important. I remember talking to a young girl who said that even though he abused me, it was my first relationship. If he asked me to marry him, I’d do it. Why? Because there was a bonding there that was beyond the physical. So what we have to do is to realize that I believe that in 1 Corinthians 6, the Apostle Paul gives us more insight into sexuality than many, many books that have been written on the subject.
Jim: I mean, again, research has shown that bonding hormone is present in both women and men. It’s. . . I think God orchestrated to be; that’s the commitment. That’s why he wants that gift given in the context of marriage, because that bonding that actually is occurring is for a purpose.
Dr. Lutzer: Let’s use the Garden of Eden as an example. There’s no way that Adam and Eve were allowed back into the garden once innocence was lost. So this boyfriend says to his girlfriend, let’s just do it once, it’ll be our secret. What they don’t recognize is that they are opening a door, innocence is over, and now that innocence is over, all kinds of dominos have been set up that may eventually result in a very disastrous situation.
Jim: Forgiveness for the person that’s carrying that baggage of sexual sin into the marriage. How do you instruct that person to leave that at the altar? Knowing that hopefully that’s been repented of, and you know, you’re on the better footing now with the Lord. But it’s hard to leave it behind.
Dr. Lutzer: You know, Jim, one of the most blessed passages of scripture is in Luke chapter seven. I think I have the correct chapter. There, Jesus invites this woman. I love this passage! This woman, because everybody knows that she was a woman of the street, she comes into the feast. Simon, who’s very self-righteous, is angry that she’s there. And then he says, if this man, namely Jesus, were of God, He would know what kind of a woman this really is. And she washes His feet with her hair and dries them with her air. And Jesus, in the midst of all of these people, tells a parable that reminds us of the fact that those who have sinned much, love much, those who think they have sinned little, namely Simon and all of his friends, they love little. And then Jesus says to her, in the presence of these self-righteous people, her sins which were many are forgiven. And I think that that story helped so many people as they think about the fact that in the midst of their brokenness and sinfulness, in fact, I’ve known prostitutes who have ended up having a good marriage. If they accept the cleansing and the forgiveness of Christ, there is such a thing as a new beginning. But you have to want it. It may not come overnight, but God is there to help us. In fact the whole purpose of redemption is to help us in our very, very broken world. I love that story! I love to preach it to people because it gives hope to so many.
John: Such encouragement today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly from Dr. Erwin Lutzer and we’re speaking about some of the concepts and content in his terrific book, Putting Your Past Behind You, Finding Hope for Life’s Deepest Hurts. And you can get a copy of the book from us here at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Jim: Erwin, we’ve teased this a little bit last time and today, but what about someone who’s suffering from their past as a victim of abuse? There seems to be many. I mean, of course, sexual abuse is prevalent. Unfortunately, you know, many young boys and mostly girls experience something like that. And it can be something that is a light memory or something that’s a profoundly deep, troubling, life altering memory. What are the steps that they should take for healing?
Dr. Lutzer: I think first of all, they should feel the pain, and I know they do, but they have to look at it honestly. They should not make excuses for their abuser. As some people do, they say, well, you know, he was an alcoholic and he did this and that. There’s no excuse for a child being abused. So take a good look at the pain. Grieve the loss, because we’re talking to people who actually have had their childhood taken from them. Because of the abuse that they endured. But then at the same time, as we emphasized last time, they really do have to lay down their bitterness and know that there is forgiveness and hope for them. If they are willing to recognize that the anger and the bitterness that they feel is holding them back. And then one other great word of encouragement. I wanna shout this out to people. You don’t have to be perfect in order for God to begin to use you. I’ve known people who’ve experienced abuse and they became a great blessing to many other people even though we might look at them and say, well, they haven’t come the whole way yet. God uses imperfect people. As a matter of fact, as you know, Jim, that’s all he has to work with is imperfect people, so let us encourage people and know that no matter where they are on their journey, we have to point them in the right direction, but at the same time recognize that God has a purpose and that even in that, they can begin to see that they can minister to others. Listen, there are people out there who can minister to others that I can’t minister to.
Jim: Sure, I mean, that’s the goal of the church, right? Come get refueled on Sundays but then go out into community and do the ministry.
Dr. Lutzer: But you know, in 2 Corinthians, the Apostle Paul talks about us comforting others with the same comfort with which we are comforted of God. So there are people out there that you can minister to and you can help, even if you don’t have it all together. And then the question is, who of us has it all together?
Jim: You mentioned in the book a story about a woman that you counseled who had been abused by her alcoholic father. That had to be decades of healing. Describe that situation and what helped her.
Dr. Lutzer: Well, first of all, the question that I’m often asked by abused people is where was God when all this happened? I think that is the number one question.
Jim: Sure.
Dr. Lutzer: Does God care about me or does he not? And one of the things that I always try to help people to understand is there’s a lot of mystery connected with God. I mean, I’m an older man, older than you, Jim, and I contemplate God a great deal. And I have to say that I don’t understand many of God’s ways. I do know this, that in the midst of that kind of pain, in the mist of that kind of disappointment with God, God is there for you if you call out to Him. So what you have to do is to, once again, go through the process of honestly looking at your pain, honestly considering what happened to you without trying to minimize it, but at the same time you have to lay it down and you have to move on. So, you know, in terms of that woman, well, she represents many women that I’ve counseled throughout the years. And I’ve tried to encourage them and to help them and to know that God is near the brokenhearted. And if you take your need to Him, He will meet it and you’ll be able to go on from there. It doesn’t mean that you’re gonna have a perfect life because of what happened to you. But always remember this, God will never judge you for doing a bad job of raising your parents. So if your father abused you, it’s on him, it’s not on you, and it doesn’t depreciate your value as a person.
Jim: Which is so critical because so many victims do feel that way.
Dr. Lutzer: Yes.
Jim: And they, you know they see themselves as some, in some way guilty for something which is not …not accurate. So I you know again people just need to know God’s love for them is there. Erwin, you have an illustration about making a wrong turn in your life. I love this because I’ve often thought of myself, this is what we would refer to as wisdom. And I always envisioned it from my 20s, as kind of being on life’s freeway. And you have all these off ramps you can take. And the wisdom is, is that an off ramp I should take? And you could put any label on that, but wisdom is you stay on that highway of life. And if you’re taking that off ramp, you better have a good reason to take it. But speak to that illustration.
Dr. Lutzer: Well you know this was many, many years ago okay here it is in northern Wisconsin, and we are with … and we were with some friends who said you know there’s a restaurant 10 miles away we’ll take you there. So there are four of us in the car and, uh, they were new there but they thought they knew where the restaurant was but it’s snowing and there may be six or eight inches on the… on the road already but they knew where the road was and they thought that we could get there. Well, we went mile, after mile, after mile and then they began to recognize this is the wrong road and we have no idea, this was in the days before GPS, we have idea where we are going.
Jim: Wow.
Dr. Lutzer: So the question is, how do we turn around? Now this person had a very heavy car and there were no off-ramps. I mean, as we went along, we were looking for a place to turn around. Well, finally we found an approach to this road, and he tried to back up, but the car was stuck. And so I had an idea because I was a farm boy, and I understood this. I said, you know what we have to do? We have to get branches from the trees, and we have put them under the tires, under the back tires and inch by inch get the car out of the snow. And we were able to do that. Now here are some lessons. Number one, sometimes we get on the wrong road, and we could actually mislead others. You know, I don’t know that it was the case, but somebody else could have seen our track in the snow and said, well, this road is going somewhere. And it wasn’t. Number two, there’s never a good place to turn around. You know, as you go along in life, you always think, well, I’m gonna turn around now, or I’m going to turn around later. And I would say to all those who are listening, the time to turn around is right now, today. Decide to turn around if you’re on the wrong path. And then what you have to do is recognize that in the process of turning around, you might discover that you’ve lost some time. But thankfully, it can be made up. God is able to restore the years that the locusts have eaten. You’d be surprised as to what God can do with the rest of your life, no matter the mess that you’ve been in in the previous years that you’ve lived.
Jim: You know, Erwin, right at the end here, I want to capture this because something we do called, “That the World May Know” with Ray van der Laan, it’s great teaching. Ray is a Jewish scholar, so he applies that Jewish perspective on reading scripture, and it’s very insightful. One of the things that he talks about that most of our conversation has been under the umbrella of, is that when sin entered the world, chaos entered the world. And when Jesus came into the world, He came to give God’s shalom, God’s peace to a world of chaos. So no matter which direction you look in our life, addictions, all the things that we’ve talked about, abuse that may occur, all that chaos that exists because of sin; and then Jesus comes to say, my yoke is easy, my burden is light, my shalom is here for you. But we have to be able to reach and say, I believe. Just describe for the non-believer that might be listening to us right now, they’re not in the fold, so to speak. What would you say to them about that reach, that ability for the scales to fall from their eyes.
Dr. Lutzer: You know, Jim, in the movie The Last Emperor, there’s a scene in which the emperor says, I can do evil and somebody else is blamed for it. So he takes a vase, throws it onto the floor, it falls into a thousand pieces, and over there, a servant is whipped. In Christianity, it is the opposite. We are the servants who take our lives, and we throw them onto the flooring, they’re in a thousand pieces, and our Emperor, our Savior, is whipped. To those who are seeking hope, remember this, that Jesus Christ’s death on the cross was a payment for sin for all those who would believe on Him. And, you have not sinned too much, you’ve not gone too far from the path in order to receive, right now, a free gift of eternal life through repentance and faith because He’s the one who paid our debt. So, we end with a great message of hope. No matter who you are, no matter where you are listening, whoever wills may come.
Jim: Wow, that’s good. I think it’s a great place, and we don’t do this that often, but maybe we can stop right here and ask you to pray.
Dr. Lutzer: Sure.
Jim: For that person who has doubts, doesn’t have a relationship with Christ, but they’re tasting it, and they say, I’d want that. Can you pray for them?
Dr. Lutzer: Father we want to thank you today that Jesus paid it all. We thank you that there is nothing for us to do to receive eternal life except to receive it in humble repentance and faith. We thank You that Jesus Christ’s death was sufficient for all who believe. And when He said, “it is finished.” It was finished. Overcome doubts. Overcome reluctance. Overcome darkness. For all who are listening we pray today that if they’ve not put their faith and trust in Christ, they may do that right now. For as many as received Him to those He gives the power to become the children of God, even to those who believe on His name. We thank you in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Jim: Amen and thank you for being with us. Dr. Lutzer, appreciate it. Couldn’t end in a better place than the invitation to join God’s family, so thank you for that, we do so appreciate it. And if this is sparking something in you, maybe you’re under the weight of guilt, or maybe you haven’t been living a life that you feel is honorable to your commitment to the Lord, get in touch with us, get a copy of this great book, Putting Your Past Behind You. It will give you the tools to be able to move in that direction and to ask for God’s forgiveness. And if you need counseling, we’re here for you. We have caring Christian counselors. You could schedule a call with them. They will talk with you, help you with other resources, including this book, and give you some input on where to seek deeper healing. We’re here for you, we have Coming Home, a great PDF download about joining God’s family. It kind of expands on what Dr. Lutzer was praying for you. Get in touch with us for that. We’re here for you.
John: And we’re a phone call away. And, uh, Jim, you mentioned Dr. Lutzer’s book; we’re gonna send that to our listeners for a donation of any amount. And this reminder that, this week only, through the 30th, we’re offering a special opportunity for you when you commit to a monthly gift of $30 or more, you’ll become part of our Friends of Focus on the Family monthly partner program. And monthly donations really help support this show and allow us to bring on trusted experts and you trusted advice so for your pledge of $30 a month or more you’ll receive our exclusive travel mug, our show travel mug, and a sample of Jim Daly’s special blend coffee. And we thank you in advance; we really appreciate your support. Our number is 800 the letter A and the word FAMILY 800-232-6459, or stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.
