Ken Davis: Too many people, first time they’re comin’ to a speed bump in life, they jump out of the boat. Boy, that … that was stupid. (Laughter) Boats don’t have speed bumps. (Laughter) (Sound Zuum, suum, suum, pooh!) “Ah, speed bump. Why’d they put that there?” (Laughter)
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John Fuller: (Chuckling) Ken Davis is our guest today on Focus on the Family and he’s gonna offer a humorous look at life, marriage and kids. And your host is Focus president and author, Jim Daly.
Jim Daly: John, we’ve got a great, two-part presentation from Ken Davis to share, and I know it’s going to inspire all of us, especially as we start off a new year. This is one of our top programs for 2018. You’re going to uh, laugh out loud and love it a lot. In the midst of Ken’s great humor about family, he’s going to challenge you to become more physically active so that you can live a long, healthy life.
John: Here’s Ken Davis from his DVD called Fully Alive on Focus on the Family.
Ken: I am so happy to be here. I have never felt better in my life. And to go on so … I gotcha a little bit of an introduction there, I want to let you know, I am not right. I have never been right. I never will be right. (Laughter) I have been weird from Day One. (Applause and Cheers)
I enjoy things nobody else enjoys. I am weird and it’s getting worse. It has gotten worse. I’m … I … I … as I grow older I seem to get weirder. I’m going to tell you a true story. I was at a meeting the other day. I had a meeting about an hour and a half meeting. And at the end of that meeting as I headed out the door, I did what I now do almost every day of my life when I’m headed anywhere, uh … I do the Macarena. (Laughter)
On the way to the airport, I call it the “Airport Macarena.” Do you remember that Macarena dance? Yeah. It’s that, except I do it to check to make sure I have everything that I’m supposed to have. (Laughter) How many do the Macarena? (Laughter) You’re just checkin’. I got my passport, got my keys, oh, yeah, um … (Laughter).
And I froze, no keys, no keys. My wife is on me all the time because I grew up in the country, uh … in Northern Minnesota and we did not lock doors and we did not take keys out of the car. Why would you take keys out of the ignition? (Laughter) You will lose them if you take them out of the ignition. (Laughter) You don’t have to look for keys if they’re in the ignition. No one ever stole anything. No one ever broke into our house. And so, you just kept ‘em in the ignition.
And my wife would say to me, “Do not do that.” Now I have left the keys in the ignition and I am afraid that she might find out. (Laughter) And so, I make my way out of this building and I know exactly where we came in. I know exactly where the car is supposed to be. I walked out and it was gone. My car had been stolen. Now I was in big trouble.
So, I picked up the phone. My first call was to the police. I said, “I was in a meeting and I am afraid I left my keys in the car, but you need to come. My car has been stolen. I want my car back. Would you please come?” And I gave them the address and said, “Will you come here?” And then I hung up the phone and I called my wife. This was the most troubling call of all and I said, “Uh … Sweetheart, I know you have told me that I should never leave my keys in the car, but I left my keys in the car and I came out and Baby, the car is gone. The car has been stolen.”
You women have no mercy. (Laughter) There was a long pause. I said, “Are you there?” (Laughter) She said, “Ken, I dropped you off.” (Laughter and Applause) That’s a true story. (Laughter)
I said, “Can you come and get me?” (Laughter) She said, “Yes, I will be there in about 15 or 20 minutes.” I said, “No, why 15 or 20 minutes? Can you come and get me now?” She said I will be there in just a little while. I said, “Why just a little while?” She said, “I have to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car.” (Laughter and Applause)
So, is it okay if I’m a little weird? (Laughter) The second thing I want to tell you is I want to hear the truth. I am … I have been lied to by politicians. I … I … my uncle was a weatherman. (Laughter) I … I spent my whole life shoveling partly cloudy off of the driv … driveway. (Laughter) I …
I want to hear the truth. I have been married for 43 years. (Cheers and Applause) I was speaking to a group of a couple thousand preachers, and I told them I have been married 43 years. They stood to their feet in a standing ovation. Now moments like that are made for me. (Laughter) I am weird. I let them clap. They clapped. When they stopped clappin’, I said, “to seven different women.” (Laughter) That makes preachers stop clappin’. (Laughter) You … you have not lived till you watch a couple of thousand preachers try to erase their applause. (Laughter)
The truth of the matter is that I have been married for 43 years to the same woman. Her name is Diane. I love her with all of my heart, but we have a real marriage. People think that somehow, that because you stand on stage or because you preach or because you’re a movie star, you got your life all together. Uh … it isn’t true. Everybody faces a life that has all kinds of problems and conflicts.
You wouldn’t believe the people that come up to my wife, Diane and they say to her, “Uh … oh, it must be so wonderful being married to him, laughter in your life from morning until night.” (Laughter) She throws up on those people. (Laughter) Cause we have real … uh … a guy came up after that very same program and he came up to me. And remember, I cannot stand to be lied to.
He came up to me and … and he said, “My wife and I have never had an argument.” (Laughter) And I was gettin’ mad. I’m gettin’ lied to. Then (Chuckling) he said, “We’ve never even had a bad thought toward one another.” And I could not hold back any longer. (Laughter) I said, “You are married to a carrot. (Laughter) You are not married to a human being. Give me a break.”
I see a lot of young people here, a lot of young men and women. Let me tell you something. A good marriage is not the absence of conflict. A good marriage is two people who love each other and have committed themselves to each other, who have determined to live through the tough times and conflict together. That’s a good marriage. (Applause)
That’s a good marriage. Too many people, first time they’re comin’ to a speed bump in life, they jump out of the boat. Boy, that … that was stupid. (Laughter) Boats don’t have speed bumps. (Laughter) (Sound Zuum, suum, suum, pooh!) Ah, speed bump. Why’d they put that there?” (Laughter)
I’m gonna level with ya. I’m gonna tell you the truth tonight. I’m gonna try and be as honest as I can about everything and I will tell you, I love this woman, 43 years of marriage, we argue. We have conflicts. Give me this, we never had a bad thought towards one another. We argue. And it’s getting’ worse the older we get (Laughter), ‘cause neither one of us can hear anymore. (Laughter)
We have entire arguments with just one word, “What?!” (Laughter) What? What?! And women, look at me. (Laughter) I told you to look at me. (Laughter) If you want to say somethin’ to us, do not seclude yourself into some remote closet in the basement and start mumblin’ to us from there. (Laughter and Applause) That’s the sound of men applauding. (Laughter)
Let me tell you something. When you’re weird and you want the truth and you appreciate commonsense, [an] airport is a dangerous place for you. (Laughter) The security line in the airport is particularly dangerous. People say to me, “Oh, it must be so nice to travel.” Oh, yes, it’s just a joy. (Laughter)
They were goin’ over me one day. Actually what really got me started was, I was at the airport not long ago and there was this little lady. She’s 90, at least 90. She is in a wheelchair. She has been screened once, but they have chosen her for secondary screening. At this airport, it’s a random thing, ‘cause evidently there’s something very suspicious about her wheelchair. (Laughter) This drives me nuts. But I’m not sayin’ anything. I do not like jail. (Laughter)
So, I am quiet. I’ve been in trouble before. They were goin’ over me once with the security thing, you know, that little spankin’ thing that looks just like what your mom and dad used to whoop you, but (Laughter) it’s got little lights and music. (Laughter) Goin’ … goin’ over me and when it got right here, it went off with the national security alert, “Beep!” (Laughter)
The man said, “Pull up your sleeve.” Now he was mean to me. See, here’s one thing. I just say, “Just be nice to me.” And by the way, I’ve met hundreds of these men and women who are very nice, who are very kind, but this one had a patch on that shoulder and chip on that one. (Laughter)
“Pull up your sleeve,” he said. I pulled up my sleeve like that. And I am tellin’ you, the man said, “What is that?” (Laughter) I said, in Tennessee, we call that a watch.” (Laughter) Now I shoulda stopped there, but my lips were already moving. (Laughter) I said, “This one’s got a lifetime guarantee. When it quits, a little tank comes out and shoots you right between the eyes.” (Laughter)
That is the wrong answer. (Laughter) I now know what a full body search is. (Laughter) There is not a man or a woman sitting in this room who wants to have a full-body search. (Laughter)
John: You’re listening to Ken Davis on Focus on the Family and we have a DVD of Ken’s entire presentation, it’ll have extra content on it. It’s called Fully Alive; just call us for a copy. 800-A-FAMILY. 800-232-6459. Or you can donate and request that DVD at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Let’s go ahead and return, now, to more from Ken Davis.
End of Program Note
Ken: I can remember back as far as when that first thing first started. I remember once I got in such big trouble, because I had a pair of fingernail clippers in my luggage. That man was a mean man, too. “Put your luggage there,” he said. “You stand over there.” I went over there and I stood over there. He started diggin’ through my luggage. I did not say anything, but I was laughin’, because I had been gone 47 days. (Laughter) That was bad luggage. (Laughter) I had underwear in there I was afraid of. (Laughter) And he’s layin’ ‘em on the table. (Laughter) I tapped him on the shoulder. I said, “You want to see a security risk? There’s a security risk! (Laughter) I’m so scared of those I locked my suitcase at night.” (Laughter)
He’s diggin’ around and then he found the fingernail clippers. I never saw a man get so excited in my (Laughter) entire life. Hey, hey, hey! What are these? (Laughter) Tell me, what are these?” (Laughter) “In Tennessee, (Laughter) we call those fingernail clippers.” (Laughter) He said, “What are you plannin’ to do with ‘em?” (Laughter) He asked. (Laughter) I said, “Well, I thought maybe after the airplane took off, I could make my way through the fuselage with ‘em.” (Laughter) That’s the wrong answer. (Laughter) I saw the look on his face. I just found a little room and I got naked by myself. (Laughter) I knew they would find somebody sooner or later and send them in to check me out. (Laughter)
So, here’s this little 90-year-old lady. And I am standing with my hands over my mouth. I dare not … I dare not say anything. They have brought two people from another place over to help her stand up. Does this make sense to you? This woman could’ve had a necklace made out of box cutters and she couldn’t have hurt a soul. (Laughter) And she is trembling and you can hear people in the line saying, “Oh, the poor dear.” And I am standing with both hands over my mouth, praying, “Dear God, please do not let me go to jail.” (Laughter)
And then the little lady said, bless her heart, she’s shaking. She goes, “I tell you somethin’. If I miss my flight, I’m gonna kill some people.” (Laughter and Applause) She missed her flight. (Laughter)
So, I can’t keep my mouth shut and I don’t intend to. I am so tired of people walkin’ around, claiming to be children of God with faces that looks like they swallowed a profusely sweatin’ toad. (Laughter) Have you ever run into these people? “I’ve been a Christian for 27 years. (Laughter) And it’s been great.” I want to say, “Well, send some missionaries to your face. (Laughter) Your face has not yet received the Good News.” (Laughter)
We oughta be more like dogs. A dog is a man’s best friend. A dog is a child’s best friend. Why? Because they’re filled with joy. Dogs are filled with joy. You can be gone three minutes. (Laughter) Three hours, three days, doesn’t matter. You come back, that dog is right at the door. He can smell you. He’s right at the crack where he can sniff and, “That is my master. Whoa!” He stinks, “I love my master.” (Laughter) Whoa, whoa. And then you open the door and he goes, “Hi, ho, wow, ho, hello. Come and see what I have done.” (Laughter)
Who has a Doberman. Where are you? Oh, Doberman. That’s a dog. Do … you can’t put up a sign in your yard, “This property protected by a Chihuahua.” (Laughter) Yeah and no … don’t even (Laughing) think about four French poodles. (Laughter) We have four. (Laughter, cough)
Doberman, you put up a sign that says, “Beware, Doberman,” a Doberman just looks at you. (Laughter). You’re outta there. Did you know that a Chihuahua (Laughter) can kill a Doberman (Sound of snap of fingers). Get caught in his throat. (Laughter and Applause) That’s why you see a lot of Dobermans walkin’ around goin’, “Uh!” (Cough) (Laughter) “Chihuahua.” (Laughter) “I got him at Taco Bell.” (Laughter and Applause)
I want to live. Anybody else out there like that? (Cheers and Applause) I … I don’t … don’t get me wrong. I just don’t want to make a living. I don’t want to stay alive. I want to live. I … I have … it’s funny that at this stage in my life, I’m goin’, I want to live. ‘Cause you can start now. (Laughter)
I have run into nobody who doesn’t want to live fully alive, who doesn’t want to feel like I felt when I jumped out of an airplane with my 18-year-old daughter on her birthday. I let her go first to see if it worked. (Laughter) Like I felt when I jumped off of an 80-foot cliff in Canada, the painted rocks and the boundary waters that separate Canada and Minnesota and went into the water and felt every fiber of my life tingling. You see, that’s what we want. And sometimes people chase that. They dive off buildings. They do things that bring them this close to death because of the rush.
But the truth of the matter is, that I believe that our Creator, created us to be fully alive. I believe that when Saint Arenius said, “The glory of God is man fully alive,” he meant it. Henry David Thoreau said that, uh … “Most men live lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with their song still in them.” That breaks my heart. It breaks my heart, because I’ve been there. I’ve been on that path.
Ben Franklin said that many men die at 25 and aren’t buried until they’re 75. And life isn’t without pain. I could tell you about coming down a hill on a bicycle doing 51-miles-an-hour. It’s aw … I put it on YouTube. It is the most exciting thing. Scares you to death. There are curves. There are bugs. (Laughter) At 51-miles-an-hour on a bicycle, a bug is a dangerous thing. (Laughter)
My wife says, “Honey, you are one acorn away from death. (Laughter) Don’t do … don’t do that.” So, I’m comin’ down 50-miles-an-hour and my eyes are buggin out, looking for acorns. I’m lookin’ for acorns. (Laughter) You can’t see ‘em very good, ‘cause you’re doin’ 51-miles-an-hour.
And I’m lookin’ so hard for acorns, I didn’t see the stupid dog. (Laughter) Dog came out from a driveway, barking and snarling at my heels, scared the daylights out of me. And I went like that. And the wheel of the bicycle started to oscillate and at 51, the oscillation almost vibrates the bike right from underneath your body. The only way I could get it to stop, with this … step on the brakes, but I got the dog comin’ at me. (Laughter)
And I watched the dog and I was afraid he was gonna get me. And … and that was when I hit the acorn. (Laughter) But while I was sliding (Laughter), I knew I’m alive. There was pain, but I knew, I … I … I’m alive. And I determined somewhere as all of this was happening to me, that this is something that I need ju … not just for my physical life. This is something that I need for my spiritual life. This is something that I need for my emotional life and my social life.
John: That’s Ken Davis on today’s episode of Focus on the Family, and we’re gonna have part two next time of this message. You know Jim, I love listening to Ken ‘cause he has such humor and a great outlook on life…
Jim: He really does, John, and I appreciate his enthusiasm for getting out there and enjoying those adventures that make him feel ALIVE. I can’t wait for you to hear where this message is leading – Ken had a major revelation after someone took his picture on the beach one day — I don’t think I’d like that revelation myself. It’ll be a cliffhanger until next time so be sure to join us!
And if you enjoy this radio program on a regular basis, would you please pray about supporting the ministry of Focus on the Family? We are working hard to provide practical, biblical help for whatever circumstance you might be facing, and many people respond to our program by saying “God worked through your broadcast today.” And then they fill in that blank. In fact, we got this great email from Mariel today. She said, “A lot of people are being helped at Focus on the Family. It’s like a school, where you can learn about the love of God and how to walk with Christ every day.” And let me say a big thank you to all of the donor’s Mariel’s comment is really thanking you as you’re looking at your budget for this year, please pray about supporting the ministry of Focus on the Family on a monthly basis. Having monthly partners is a critical need for our ministry to kind of even out our budget for the entire year.
And when you give a pledge of any amount today, we’d like to say ‘thank you’ by sending you a copy of Ken Davis’ hilarious DVD, called Fully Alive. It features much more content than we were able to share with you here, and you don’t want to miss any of the visual elements of his comedy, ‘cause it will keep you laughing. And if you can’t make a monthly commitment right now, we can also send you this DVD for a one time gift of any amount. We just want to be sure that you have it in your hands.
John: Ask about the Fully Alive DVD by Ken Davis when you call 800-A-FAMILY. That’s 800-232-6459. Or, donate and request that DVD at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
And please, if you enjoyed today’s program, tell a friend to tune in next time as we hear more from Ken about a dramatic change he made in his life!
Ken: There’s this thing… I see this ad on TV. “A body in motion tends to stay in motion.” I want to tell you the truth, “A body at rest, tends to rest in peace.” (Laughter)
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