Man #1: I show love to my girls really every morning. If they don’t come over to me to give me a hug, I will always go find them and give them a big daddy hug and big daddy kiss on the head.
Woman: I have both a boy and two girls and love looks very much like time. They enjoy time with me together, um, individually.
Man #2: My daughters are grown now and so connecting is a little bit harder, but I try to pursue them, uh, to invite them over for dinner or to call or just send a text. I’m thinking of you.
John Fuller: Well, I wonder if you resonate with those comments. Um, every parent wants to love well, but sometimes we need to just be more intentional about, uh, showing love to our children. Welcome to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller, and we’re so glad you’ve joined us today.
Jim Daly: John, I’ve always enjoyed, uh, being dad for my sons. It’s just been the highlight of my life. I, you know, you can meet presidents and senators. The biggest joy I ever had was being at home with my boys and playing wrestling on the carpet or whatever it would have been. And, uh, I just felt delighted at that time. And I hope that’s your goal as a parent, uh, expressing the ways that you love your kids. There’s gonna be a question in this show. You can love your kids, but do you like your kids?
John: Hmm.
Jim: What a great target to aim at. Uh, but life gets busy. You know, it’s hard to concentrate on all the balls that you’re tossing, all the plates that are spinning, moms and dads. So today, we’re gonna help build into your vocabulary and your actions, things you can do as a mom or dad of a daughter or a son. And to concentrate, to have a plan to say, “Okay, how do my kids leave the household knowing that they were loved and liked?”
John: Mm-hmm. Yeah. And Matt and Lisa Jacobson are our guests today. Uh, they’re authors, speakers, podcasts, hosts, and they’ve written a number of books about marriage and parenting. Uh, the basis for our conversation today is a pair of books they’ve written, uh, 100 Ways to Love Your Daughter and also 100 Ways to Love Your Son. Uh, the subtitle for each is The Simple, Powerful Path to a Close and Lasting Relationship. These are great books, and you can learn more about them at our website, and that’s FocusontheFamily.com/broadcast.
Jim: Matt and Lisa, welcome back to Focus on the Family. It’s good to have you.
Matt Jacobson: Great to be with you again.
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa Jacobson: Thank you.
Jim: So nice to see you guys. And, uh, you know, this is something we’ve covered before, but this content is so rich and so important that parents need to have those updated, uh, conversations and tools. But y- you know, some people, when I’m thinking about raising a daughter, I haven’t had that experience. John, you’ve had that experience.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: But you guys have four daughters and four sons. So you guys are the experienced parents here at the table.
Lisa: (Laughs).
Jim: And the ages are 31 to 19, if I have that right.
Lisa: Yep.
Matt: That’s right.
Jim: So you guys, you still have quite a range of children, adult children that you’re dealing with, with all that wonderful experience. Was it your intention… I’ll be one of your best friends here at your small group. Was it your intention to have that many kids?
Matt: (Laughs).
Jim: Or did you just let God, you know, do His thing?
Matt: You know what? Initially, it wasn’t. Initially, we just had the idea that, uh, maybe, maybe three, and if we’re crazy, we’ll have four, you know? (laughs).
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: Uh, but it was just a process that we went through that we thought, “You know what? We’re just gonna ride this out and see what God gives us.” And so that’s what, that’s really what we did.
Jim: That’s crazy. And then, and I think wonderful actually, but like a 10 passenger vehicle, what was that vehicle? (laughs)
Matt: Well, I promise you, we didn’t have the same vehicle from, you know, at five year intervals. We had to switch it up as we went along.
Jim: Did you ever have to caravan? Like mom’s taking the wagon, dad’s taking the minivan?
Matt: Well, we definitely did that, but we wound up with the 15 passenger van …
Jim: I knew that was coming somewhere!
Matt: And I’ve got a friend who has a lot of kids. Actually, he’s a few years younger than me, but he said, “I just can’t do that. It’s just not cool.” (laughter)
Jim: You could put flames…
Matt: He drove one, he got one eventually.
Jim: He could put flames on the side, that really helps the cool factor. (laughter)
Matt: Oh yeah, I never even thought about that.
Jim: Let me ask you this one, you stress the importance of both quantity and quality time. You know, so many people have said, Dr. Dobson used to say, “It’s not quality time, it’s time. Your kids just need time.” So give us that differential between quality time and just time.
Matt: Well, one of the things I would say about that is one of the most important quality times that you can bring to your family is to guard the time that you and your wife have every week alone. And we made that a priority from the very beginning and, and again, you know, kids have the capacity to suck up 100% of all of your time, energy, and, and, uh, ability and, and sani- sanity. And so what we said is we’re gonna carve out time every week that is just us. And sometimes that was with a door closed in the bedroom and nobody’s allowed to come in and we’re having coffee. Sometimes it’s going out for a cup of coffee and just absolutely prior- prioritizing and protecting that time. So, uh, and that’s probably not the exact question that you asked, but it’s so important for the kids to see dad and mom-
Lisa: Yeah.
Matt: … are loving each other. Dad and mom are prioritizing each other. Dad and mom are enjoying each other.
Jim: No, that’s really important. Lisa, maybe I can look at you for the quality and quantity time for children. I mean, how do you… Did you have to create a schedule (laughs) with eight kids to say, “Okay, today is Bob’s time. Tomorrow is Betty’s time.”
Lisa: Yes, actually. I did.
Jim: Yeah. No, it’s okay.
Lisa: But I didn’t communicate that.
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: I didn’t want them to feel like they’re… In fact, my kids are probably listening right now, but-
Jim: They still don’t know.
Matt: How did you know the names of our kids, by the way? (laughs).
Jim: Wild guess.
Lisa: But I still have a mental list of, okay, we haven’t seen, uh, Cambria lately. Let’s, uh, let’s… Have you touched bases with her? Or any of our kids. We really wanna make sure they’re always on the rotation. And we talk with each other about, “Hey, can you, you should grab Nolace and take him out to lunch and, hey, I…” You know, we just make sure that everybody has time with us. And it can be different kinds of time. Sometimes it’s just going out, sometimes it’s doing a job together, working on a project together, lots of different things that we try to do. So-
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: Um, but I, I think as a mom, I really, really wanted to communicate that I have time for you and never that you’re squeezed into my schedule, even if it’s what’s, what it looks like on the ground, that they feel like I am here for you.
Jim: Yeah. In that space, let me ask you this question because I’m thinking back to all eight kids at home and, you know, obviously some are very young, some are teens and late teens in high school. So in that moment of trying to maintain a mental routine, a mental calendar of spending time with each child, did anyone get overlooked? You know, I, I think if you’re looking with emotion and you’re saying, you know, so-and-so needs a little time, I think they bombed a test or, you know, whatever, was there any child that flew under the radar for you guys that you looked back and went, “Hmm, that would have been good to spend a little more time with that son.”
Matt: There actually was, uh, one of our kids and it, but it had, it didn’t have to do with necessarily just overlooking kid in the course of normal life.
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: It had to do with our daughter who was, uh, she had a hemorrhage in utero and was born and that just, she’s 25 years old today, but that proceeded to, uh, turn our lives upside down and, uh, for two years we were fighting for her life and it was just every hospital visit, every doctor visit, uh, just-
Jim: Wow.
Matt: And, and it was, it was so intense, um, that, uh, that it really impacted the child that was closest to her-
Lisa: Oh, okay.
Matt: … in terms of the time-
Lisa: Yeah.
Matt: … that, uh, that we had. And we recognized that a little later on, but it absolutely was something that, uh, that we had to recognize and, uh, try to remedy because-
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: … that was reality and it wa-… It, you know, it was simply the, because all of our time, energy and attention was just absorbed with this traumatic circumstance-
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: … we had that lasted for about, well, it’s lasting today because she’s still in a wheel- wheelchair and disabled, but, but for two years, it just completely absorbed all of us.
Jim: And that, those are the kinds of things that can happen. I think for Trent and Troy, Trent, you know, he was a bit of a handful in high school, so he got a lot of our attention.
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And Troy kind of flew under that radar.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And it, we laugh about it today because Troy got away with a lot more than Trent did.
Lisa: (Laughs).
Jim: Because, you know, Trent was in neon for us as the firstborn.
Matt: Uh-huh.
Jim: So it, it even happens when you have, you know, physically healthy children.
Matt: Yup. Yeah, yeah.
Jim: That had to be dramatic to have a child with special needs. I mean, that does pull a lot of energy from the parents and from the siblings to be able to take care of that.
Matt: Yeah, it does. And obviously, you know, everybody’s life is filled with all sorts of things that you’d never choose for yourself.
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: And that certainly was one of them for us. Um, had a big impact, but that was God’s journey and His plan and path for us and He uses it for His purposes. So-
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: … we embrace it.
Jim: You know, we asked that in the setup, this idea of liking your children. And I really like that-
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: … you mentioned it in the two books, you did. Uh, you, you’re the parent, you’re gonna love your children.
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: I would hope that you would lay your life down for your children, right? That’s what we often think about, but I would do anything for my child. Okay, that’s in that love cup.
Matt: Yep.
Jim: Then you have, do I like my child?
Matt: (Laughs) Yeah.
Jim: And, you know, sometimes if we’re honest, they probably might be in a developmental stage where there’s not a lot to like, they’re trying to separate from you.
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Let’s just say it’s 15.
Matt: (Laughs) Okay. Yeah.
Jim: (Laughs) You know, they don’t wanna wear what you suggest they might wear to be a little more modest or whatever the argument might be.
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: They’re just in a lot of confrontation. Now, not every child’s gonna be in that spot, I know. But typically-
Matt: It’s pretty common. Yeah.
Jim: … you’re gonna have that.
Matt: Absolutely.
Jim: So how do you, how do you take that self evaluation in your dad head or your mom head and go-
Matt: Sure.
Jim: … “Yeah, I, I love my child. Um, how can I get to a better place in terms of liking them?”
Matt: Yeah. Well, I think one of the things that happens when kids get into those years of, you know, we’re, we’re moving into our independence, and nobody thinks about it concretely, but that’s what happens, but it winds up being something that’s really personal and hurtful to a parent is when their children pull away a little bit. One of the things that we tried to do is we just tried to anticipate that is what’s going to happen. And, uh, of course we have eight kids, so we had some practice with the older ones-
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: … uh, a little bit. I think we got better at it with the younger set, but, uh, embracing the reality of this is a part of growing up, it is a part of the development of a young man or a young woman. They are going to go through a process of, I want to become, or I am finding out who I am, I want to become my own person. And it’s, it, it feels so personal, but it’s not personal when you stand back and look at the fact that this is a normal part of the process. And, uh, if you can get your, uh, your game face on as a parent before you get there, it’s actually really helpful when, and then you start recognizing what it is. One of the things that we did is, uh, is just, we, we would tell our kids, “Hey, you’re gonna go into this independent phase. It’s gonna come and we embrace it. We’re excited about your independence.”
Lisa: I was just thinking about the part of liking them and just communicating that, and some of the ways we do, we can do that is when, let’s say a, a child is going through an awkward stage, let’s say a teenager, and, but actually going up to our son, I can remember one time in particular, he was washing the eggs and he was, he was not really happy with himself. It was obvious he’s, um, has a very strong personality that kind of grates on people and sometimes, and I just told him, “You know, I just see how faithful you are and with the little things, and I really like that about you”. And he just, like you could just see, his shoulders-
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: … got a little broader and he just felt a little better about himself. And it was a very powerful moment and for, as a parent, I thought, okay, that, I didn’t know how powerful that would be, but I really wanted to intentionally practice that kind of communication with all of my kids.
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: And not just saying, “I love you, but I really like that about you. I see that in you.” And, and, and they really need to hear it in those-
Jim: They really did.
Lisa: … those teen years especially.
Jim: You know, it’s interesting you could apply that to marriage (laughs), you know? Do you, do you love your spouse, but do you like your spouse?
Matt: Yeah.
Lisa: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Jim: And then, how do you recognize those things that your spouse does-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … that you can say, “Hey, I really appreciate that. I like what you did there.”
Lisa: Yeah.
Matt: I think we look at all the billions of dollars that are spent in advertising-
Jim: (Laughs).
Matt: … for whatever company and we go, “Wow, what a waste of money.” And they’re going, “Yeah, we’re not wasting our money. We’re messaging and we want you to have our thoughts in your head.”
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Matt: And as parents, it’s so important for parents to recognize the power of messaging with your children, young and teenagers and a little bit older. The things that you speak to them regularly in terms of helping them to think about who I am, defining who you are as a person, because the world, they’re busy. The world is busy messaging to your children, and it’s really, really important for a parent to recognize what a powerful role you have, what, what an incredible opportunity you have to speak into the life on a regular basis of your son or your daughter, who you are, why you’re wonderful, what we like about you, what kind of person you are. Messaging is so, so-
Jim: Right.
Matt: … powerful. And the advertisers go, “Yeah, we’re not doing it just one time.”
Lisa: Hmm.
Matt: “We’re gonna do it repeatedly because we wanna win this game.”
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: Same thing with parenting. Just embrace the power of messaging in the lives of your children.
Jim: That’s so good.
John: Yeah. Talking today about being intentional and loving your children well. Uh, our guests on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly are Matt and Lisa Jacobson. They’ve written a pair of books called 100 Ways to Love Your Daughter and also 100 Ways to Love Your Son. Lot of practical stuff here and, uh, you can get a copy of it from us at the ministry. Our website is FocusontheFamily.com/broadcast.
Jim: Let’s talk about sons for a minute. That’s in my space of, uh, experience, but why do you encourage parents to let their boys build forts inside the house?
Lisa: (Laughs).
Jim: Which I love. We did that.
Lisa: We did do that.
Matt: Well, it’s just easy to be uptight as a parent. And I have many, you know, looking back on my parenting, there were definitely, uh, elements of, A, you’re too uptight about that, especially with, uh, the first set of four as opposed to the second set.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Matt: But even with the first set, uh, we had a balcony, we had this, uh, log railing that went from, you know, the upper floor down to the living room, and we let the kids, you know, repel off of that and down to-
Jim: (Laughs).
Lisa: Get a big rope swing that they jimmied up there and they-
Jim: A bunch of moms just went, “What?”
Lisa: (Laughs) I know.
Matt: Yeah. So-
Lisa: And I’m not sorry.
Matt: Yeah. Yeah.
Lisa: I’m still, I’m not sorry that we did that.
Jim: Yeah, that’s good.
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: It gave a sense of adventure.
Lisa: Yeah.
Jim: It’s about, I think that’s a good idea. Lisa, parenting boys, uh, can be challenging, I think, for a lot of moms.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: I think, you know, Jean, if she were sitting here, she’d say, yeah, she was the only girl in the house.
Matt: (Laughs).
Jim: She felt a little overwhelmed, especially when the boys were teens and begin to do things that were a little more reckless.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And, uh, I can remember they were just learning to ride bicycles, and everybody’s gonna get mad at me for this, but, you know, I think one time I forgot to have them wear helmets and she came out, “What are you thinking? Get a helmet.” Now, they’re going all of one mile an hour-
Lisa: (Laughs).
Jim: … but it’s true. A little safety goes a long way, but it’s that kind of thing that, you know, a lot of dads may not think about that, but moms are pretty consistent thinking about safety. Uh, boys think and act very differently. H- how did those differences play out for your family as mom?
Lisa: Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think our boys needed room and space to grow and make mistakes and fall and get hurt. And I, I just had to come to terms with that and accept it and even embrace it. And I think the payback was incredible because the boys l- loved me all the more for it. Like, I think the more I said, you know, “Go ahead, go do it. Yeah, that should be fine.” The more yeses I gave them, the more they were inclined to come to me and talk to me or run things by me and-
Jim: But, but the big question then is, you didn’t feel that, obviously, in your mental equation that if I give this over, that they will actually appreciate my motherhood. (laughs)
Lisa: It was an experiment. (laughs)
Jim: And, and so I, you know, that’s where I wanted to go for the moms that are still struggling-
Lisa: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Jim: … in that area. Ha-… That’s a big speed bump.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: So how, did you have to coach yourself? Did you have self-talk going like, “No, no, no, don’t say that. What I want… Go ahead, kids. Go jump off the rock.”
Lisa: (Laughs).
Jim: Rules, but-
Lisa: Exactly.
Jim: … you, you know, how did you get yourself to that regular rhythm of saying, “Okay,” saying yes rather than no?
Lisa: Well, Matt and I talked a lot about these kinds of things, especially with the boys and, and I’d say, you know, “What do you think of this? I’m concerned about that. They wanna s- stay overnight outside in the snowstorm.” And I was worried sick that they were gonna die of the cold. Remember that? (laughs).
Jim: That seems rational to me.
Lisa: He’s like, he’s like, “No, they’ll be fine.” He goes, “I’ll go check on ’em if it’ll make you feel better, but they’re gonna be fine.” And I had to trust Matt in that too, that he cares about his boys, he’s not gonna let anything crazy happen.
Jim: (Laughs).
Lisa: And, um, and I think that was really helpful to trust that.
Matt: But that particular snowstorm, I think the girls were out there too.
Lisa: Oh, that’s true.
Matt: Yeah. (laughs).
Jim: Yeah. Well, good. See, he’s counting heads. (laughs) So that proves that you were paying attention. I may not have passed that test.
Lisa: (Laughs).
Jim: We only have two kids, you know? (laughs) “Where’s the other one?” I don’t know. Um, yeah, that’s, I mean, uh, Matt, let’s turn it to you, dad’s affirming their sons. So moms letting them explore, which is really critical that it-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: I think in that context, it conveys a sense of trust when you do that to your sons, Lisa. I think Jean learned that as well. Matt, what does a father provide when they’re affirming their sons?
Matt: Well, every kid wants to know that he can. He wants to learn that, uh, he can climb the mountain and he can do things that, uh, maybe looked impossible. And when you believe in the moments that a kid can’t believe for themselves or don’t necessarily believe for themselves, you provide that positive context for going and doing it. I remember when Revere was on the rock down at, uh, at, at the lake.
Jim: (Laughs) Yeah.
Matt: And he just didn’t want to jump off and he, so I went and shoved him. No, I’m kidding.
Lisa: (Laughs).
Matt: But, uh, no.
Lisa: Yeah, good. Yeah.
Matt: So-
Jim: Said the kidding part fast.
Lisa: A pa-… Anot- another parenting technique.
Jim: Yeah, yeah.
Matt: No, but, but I was in the water and I just said, “You can do this. I know you can do it.” And, and he’s just like, “Can I? Should I? Can I? Should I?” But, but he, he jumped off. So a parent is there to show a kid that they absolutely can conquer, they can triumph. And so, uh, I think sometimes, uh, as dads, we don’t realize, first of all, the many opportunities that we have to speak strength and power into the hearts of our sons, but I also think that, uh, we don’t recognize the power of our own voice in that affirming, in that, you know, we’re, we’re so safety-oriented sometimes, we’re like, “Oh, be careful.” And, and being, we can be too cautious, I think.
Jim: That’s true. I think so. I remember, uh, we had something here and still do it from time to time, adventures in fatherhood, but it’s a repelling exercise in-
Matt: Oh, cool. Yeah.
Jim: Near Yosemite in California.
Matt: Oh, that’s awesome.
Jim: And Troy and I, I took Troy and we’re going off the prowl. Now, never go off the prowl.
Matt: (Laughs).
Jim: Something called the prowl. (laughs) But it was a 200-foot repel.
Matt: Oh, wow. That’s amazing.
Lisa: Wow. Oh, goodness.
Jim: You know, and this is the first time Troy had been at that height and he was probably 10.
Matt: Wow. Oh, look at that. Wow. Okay (laughs).
Jim: So we’re going over, we’re going over this thing-
Matt: Wow.
Jim: … and you’re supposed to keep your feet out so you don’t smash the rock. Of course, he let his feet drop and he went right into the rock.
Lisa: Oh, no.
Jim: Not hard, but-
Lisa: Yeah.
Jim: … he started to cry like, “Dad, I’m so afraid. I don’t know what to do.” And I’m holding myself in this repel position going, “Troy, I don’t have much more time.” (laughs) I mean, I’m, I’m not a small guy.
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: And I’ve got to go, so you gotta get down. And he’s crying and I-
Lisa: Oh, wow.
Jim: … I, I had to let go. And he comes down just a, you know, a minute later after sitting there spinning in the wind crying and he went down and he hits the ground and he goes, “That was so fun. Let’s do it again.”
Matt: (Laughs) Nice. Yeah.
Jim: And I say to him-
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: I say, “You became a man in 200 feet. Well, maybe 195, but you know, bang, he hit the ground and then he had fun, he did more repelling-
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … and he didn’t look back. But that’s an example of what you’re driving at, you know?
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And that’s a, that is an affirmation that you’re a young man.
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: I mean, you can do these things. I don’t have that experience of the girls. So John, I’m gonna throw the question to you.
John: Okay. (laughs).
Jim: You can ask it.
John: Yeah. I, we had two boys to begin with and that was so easy. You just have to give them room to break things and, and-
Lisa: (Laughs).
John: … as you said, have some space. Girls required something else. You know, Matt, you were talking about the messaging. Uh, there’s so much wrapped up in, uh, outward appearance for girls. And I mean, I, I think that’s been the case forever, but with all the messaging from advertising and social media, how did you two handle giving your girls a sense of emotional and inner and then exterior beauty and, and, and loveliness, the good stuff?
Lisa: Mm-hmm. That is such a good and huge question. I kind of hope that because we raised our daughters in a loving, homeschooling family, that they would just never struggle with that. I really did. I thought, I don’t want them to struggle the way I struggled. And, um, but it turns out it’s, it’s really hard.
John: You couldn’t prevent that.
Lisa: No, I couldn’t prevent that. And especially, especially with social media, I really saw the damage that, uh, the harm from, from Instagram and some of those other sites that inform our girls what they’re supposed to look like. And, and so I felt like we had to do just double time to try to encourage them. You’re beautiful just the way you are. I love these things about you. And I w- we want our daughters to feel lovely, but we want it to be also not skin-deep. Like, we don’t want it to be all of that.
John: Yeah.
Lisa: We want them to feel good about who they are as people.
John: Right.
Lisa: And that took a ton of messaging, um, specifically and spending time with them and pointing out what’s lovely about them.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Matt, let me ask you this last question, and we’re gonna come back next time if you’ll stick with us and we’ll cover more. But I, I can remember Jean, uh, she can actually remember a time period where her dad stopped hugging her-
Matt: Oh.
Jim: … and her two sisters. And she probably rightfully deduced that her mom and dad had a talk and maybe mom said, “You know what? The girls are now 11, 12. Probably be good for you to stop hugging them.” Which, again, is a generational thing too. And it can come out of fear, mom’s fear. Maybe something happened to her as a daughter. We get all that.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: But speak to that need-
Matt: Oh, totally. I, I-
Jim: … to keep hugging your daughter for her lifetime.
John: Mm-hmm.
Matt: Well, I, I, I would say yes with a very important caveat. So in the process of my daughters getting to that young womanhood age, I can remember one time, one, one of my daughters, and I don’t remember how old she was, but she was a teenager, and I mean, I like jabbing my kids in the ribs, you know?
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: I just do. And she was doing the dishes, and I went up behind her and went, eh, in her ribs.
Lisa: (Laughs).
Matt: Okay?
Jim: Fine China?
Matt: I’m, I’m, I’m, I’m coming to the hugging part, but, uh, but the thing is, is that it really made her mad and she said, “Dad, I am a young woman.”
Jim: Oh, okay.
Matt: And I was, you know, in terms of-
Jim: Yeah, that’s respect me.
Matt: In terms… Yeah.
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: I had to make that transition in my mind. So relative to hugging, yes, hugging is super important. Physical touches, super important. However, in those intervening years where the independence is blossoming and blooming, they might have a season where they don’t want hugs-
John: Mm-hmm.
Matt: … and every child is different. Uh, I’m happy to say that all of our kids hug us now, you know, uh, and, and, but, but I definitely had a time where my daughters were like, got a little awkward about the hugs and so I don’t know, it was a few years, but, but that’s all past now.
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: And of course we hug. In fact, we hug so much that when spouses marry into our family, they’re, that are not used to hugging.
Lisa: (Laughs).
Matt: Which we have a couple.
Lisa: Yeah. It’s like, “Whoa.” (Laughs)
Matt: And that’s kind of funny. But it’s good. It’s good. It’s positive. They’re, uh-
Jim: Yeah, but I, I appreciate that. I think, you know, we always try to say appropriate hugging.
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: And it’s unfortunate that we have to say that now.
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: But it, it is true, you know, you want to be respectful and, but it’s important, I would say for Jean, it was just that affection-
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: … that you notice me, that you care for me.
Matt: Absolutely.
Jim: That’s what you want to communicate, whether that’s, uh-
Matt: But the way I, the way I like to say it is, it’s really important to communicate love and respect in a manner that’s meaningful to the other person relative to the stage that they’re in. And so, um, you know, so, so if the parent is pulling back, I’m not hugging anymore, that’s a problem. But if a child is saying, “Um, I’m now a young woman,” and, um, I, you know, I did-
Jim: Right.
Matt: She’s not embracing those kid hugs anymore in the same way.
Jim: Totally.
Matt: But, uh, but if you don’t grasp at it, you’ll find in later years, she’ll want to hug her dad.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: There you go. Matt and Lisa, what a great reminder that the simple things are so important. Even though as parents, we sometime are moving so fast-
John: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Jim: … we forget the simple things.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Um, like I said, let’s come back next time. Thanks for being with us today and we’ll pick up the conversation and keep going. Can we do that?
Matt: Always great to be with you. Absolutely.
Lisa: A- Absolutely. Thank you.
Jim: Well, listen, uh, we’ve got our typical offer. Why don’t you join us in ministry, make a gift of any amount? You can choose either of the books, 100 Ways to Love Your Son or 100 Ways to Love Your Daughter, or choose them both, uh, for a gift of any amount. I’m assuming you might have both a daughter and a son (laughs), and if you can make that gift, we’ll send the books as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry. And in fact, let’s give you some evidence for what that impact can look like. Lauren recently sent us a note, uh, describing how she was not parented well growing up. I’m sorry to say we get many of these notes.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Uh, but she said, “Focus on the Family has helped fill that void and so much more. I’ve found so many books, resources and messages that have grown my faith in the process.” That’s what we’re doing. We’re helping her to become a better wife, I believe, and a better mom, obviously.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: But that’s what you invest in as we do ministry together.
John: Yeah, we’d love to hear from you today. Uh, donate and ask for either or both of those books, 100 Ways to Love Your Son and 100 Ways to Love Your Daughter. Uh, you can do so by calling 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY, 800-232-6459, or visit FocusontheFamily.com/broadcast. Also at our website, we’ve got a link to our free parenting assessment, which identifies seven key traits to have a stronger, healthier family, and it’ll give you a lot of great, uh, actionable items, and it’s totally free. It’s our parenting assessment and you’ll find that on our website. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller, inviting you back as we continue the conversation with Matt and Lisa Jacobson, and once again, help you and your family thrive in Christ.
Day Two:
Matt Jacobson: The world is busy messaging to your children, and it’s really, really important for a parent to recognize what a powerful role you have, what, what an incredible opportunity you have to speak into the life on a regular basis of your son or your daughter, who you are, why you’re wonderful.
John Fuller: That’s Matt Jacobson with some great insights for parents, whether you’re dealing with toddlers or teens or even adult children. Matt and his wife, Lisa, are back with us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. And we thank you for joining us. I’m John Fuller.
Jim Daly: John, we had a really encouraging and engaging conversation last time with Matt and Lisa-
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … it was filled with reminders about how to build stronger, lifelong relationships with our children. You know, one of the best pieces of advice I think I’ve heard sitting at the studio was think of your teens as 30-somethings and what kind of relationship do you want-
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … that’s a great long goal because I think parenting is here now-
John: Yeah.
Jim: … it’s correcting behavior, and making sure you got your finger in the hole in the dike here and there, and, you know, it just, it seems like we’re not thinking who are these kids 20 years from now, and how am I gonna-
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … be relating to them?
John: Yeah.
Jim: But you’re building into that relationship when they are 8, and 13, and 16. And so today, we wanna give you some of those tools to help you think about that and make those right impressions do the godly thing. I’m not gonna even say the right thing, of course, it’s the right thing, but do the godly thing in your relationship with your son or daughter in order to ensure that you have a good relationship later down the road.
John: Mm-hmm. Yeah. And if you missed any of that last conversation with the Jacobsons, get our app and, uh, access the entire library of great content that we have for you. It’s a wonderful way to be listening. Um, and, uh, the Jacobsons, as we mentioned last time, have written a pair of books that are really terrific, uh, 100 Ways to Love Your Son, and 100 Ways to Love Your Daughter. Uh, these are excellent practical resources, and you can get a copy from us here at the ministry. Uh, just swing by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Jim: Matt and Lisa, welcome back, day two.
Lisa Jacobson: Thank you so much.
Jim: It’s good to have you and, uh-
Matt: Great to be here.
Jim: So good to have you back. Uh, uh, for both of you, and you can answer in any order you choose, uh, a major theme in your book is the idea of building your child’s identity. This is so critical right now, college campuses are filled with young people that don’t know who they are-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … and the culture, especially the progressive end of the culture, is trying to tell them they’re not what they are, and convincing many of them that they’re not a male, they’re not a female, et cetera. It’s such a confusing time to be a young person. But I know we want to raise happy and healthy kids, uh, especially that are serving the Lord, how do you start planting those seeds and making that happen? And how does that connection between a successful marriage and a successful family, how does that happen? That is a big question. (laughs)
Matt: Well, why don’t I dive in? So one of the very, uh, important things to do, we believe, is to speak, even when the kids are young, very young, what kind of a man do you want to be? What kind of a woman do you want to be? Actually putting into their minds-
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Matt: … this vision of the future of who they are becoming.
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: And it’s a very powerful thing for a young person to think, “Hmm, what, what kind of a man am I… what, what’s going into who I am and how I’m building today?” And it speaks to so many aspects of life in the ongoing building blocks of everyday life. There’s just a lot of normal everyday life in parenting and in raising kids, but putting that vision for the future into their thinking is really, really important. That’s something that we try to do-
Jim: I like that. Yeah, that’s good. Matt, you and Lisa have three family mottoes that your kids grew up with, I, I’ve read them, so I know them, I love these-
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: … but what are they?
Matt: Well, uh, one of them is Jacobsons never give up.
Jim: I love that.
Matt: You, you don’t give up. And, and we started speaking this into the kids at very young ages. And you know what, what kid wants to pick up all their toys? You know, they’ll do one or two and then it’s like, “I’m just done or tired.” No, Jacobsons never give up and you can go in there and-
Jim: (laughs).
Matt: … help him pick up. So that’s one of them. And there’s always a way to get something done because so many times a child will come to some thing in their life that’s a roadblock to them, “Oh, I just… I don’t know what to do. I can’t do it. What do you do?” There’s always a way to get something done, “You can figure this out. You can do it. You actually have the ability to figure this out.” Now, I probably took this to an extreme when the kids were very young because it even… I even employed this in terms of them learning how to climb up on the couch as two-year-olds or however-
Jim: (laughs).
Matt: the ages.
Lisa: They were little.
Jim: You talk them to climb up on the couch? Mom, what were you thinking?
Matt: Yeah, right. (laughs).
Lisa: (laughs).
Jim: What is he doing?
Matt: But I’d show them what to do, and then I’d tell them, “You can do this, you can do this.” And I can just remember that first, “Ugh,” pulling up with a knee and doing it. And, and kids can learn that they have a tremendous capacity. If you do all the thinking for your child, your child won’t have to think. And this is the challenge of the omnicompetent parent, you know? And we, we get so caught up with efficiency, “Hey, we gotta be there at 10, so… well, I’ll just go ahead and do it,” you know, because the kids are taking so much time. But the thing is, is the omnicompetent parent winds up very capable, very efficient, winds up doing everything for the child instead of just gearing down and saying, “Hey, you can do this,” and just wait until the child figures it out. Don’t do all of the thinking, don’t do all the figuring for your child.
Jim: Well, I think that, I’m, I’m guilty of that, you know? I’ll show them by illustration how to be efficient, and you do that over and over and they are-
Matt: And they’re good with it-
Jim: … inefficient. (laughs).
Matt: “Hey, we’ll just wait for dad and mom to do it.”
Jim: Yeah, it’s so true. Uh, you also stress the importance of being your child’s biggest fan. I think we caught that theme, but you had an example where you, uh, went to a lot of basketball games that weren’t your thing. I think for me, it was the opposite. You know, I played football, basketball, and baseball, and I was-
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … so looking forward to, if, if I had sons-
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … that they too would have a love for sports-
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … almost irresistible, and they’d want to aim to play professional sports, because that’s what I did. (laughs) It was my heart.
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: And then I remember Trent going, “Yeah,” after ninth grade football, he was like, “I don’t think I want to play football anymore.”
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And I remember Jean just, like, squeezing my knee-
Matt: (Laughs).
Jim: … like, “This is your moment.” (laughs).
Matt: Something inside you died.
Jim: Yeah. And I was like, “Oh, yeah. Well, that’s good. You’ll… that’s good, you’ll be healthy, your joints won’t ache when you’re older like mine.”
Lisa: (Laughs).
Jim: … so that’s a good decision, but inside I was going, “Oh, man, you’re six foot seven. Can’t you-
Matt: (laughs).
Jim: … can’t you play football?” And, uh, but it was that kind of thing. So how did you endure the terrible sport of basketball-
Lisa: (laughs).
Jim: … That you didn’t enjoy?
Matt: Well, no, no. I don’t know where you got that. I, I, I didn’t have to endure their basketball games, I probably had to endure some idiotic coaches-
Jim: (laughs).
Matt: … that didn’t know how to inspire and build up maybe some of that but-
Jim: Well, that’s true.
Matt: … but, uh, if your child knows that you love their success, you love what they love, and you love them loving what they do, uh, it just speaks encouragement, and joy, and, um, and, “Hey, my dad’s behind me.” And, uh, and, and so the, I guess that would be a theme that we really tried to incorporate both in the sons and the daughters, is that we are on your team, we are behind you-
Jim: Mm.
Matt: … and, uh, and really m- m- orchestrating life decisions to prove those words true.
Jim: Uh, Lisa, one of the biggest things right now is being a mom, you know, the motherhood issue, and so many women, understandably, are being encouraged to go to college, go to graduate school, become a professional, do that life until you’re not happy anymore, and then start a family-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … at 37, 38, 39. There are a lot of, uh, childless women now who so regret that they bought that lie-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … what would you say to them, or say to all 20-something young women who are having to navigate that idea that it’s a, an either or?
Lisa: Mm-hmm. It’s, I see that everywhere, and I think that messaging is so damaging to women because they… you’re informed that you are only valuable when you do something great out there. And the value of being a mother is, is so powerful, and that the thought of I’ve impacted eight lives, and now they’re spouses, and now they’re kids, and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. And I, I think you can, um, you can also challenge, well, you know, you made your choice, I’m making mine, and, but we have options, and I, I did go to school, and I did have opportunities, and, and I have no regrets about being a full-time mother, it is the most beautiful thing, and it’s not an easy thing. Um, it also is countercultural because it takes sacrifice, it takes laying down your life-
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: … and that’s not easy, and it wasn’t easy for me. It was the, the hardest thing I’ve ever done, was being a mother-
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: … and, um, but I don’t have any regrets.
Jim: You know, Katy Faust is, is the head of a ministry, uh, I think out of Seattle called Them Before Us. And her, her context for her ministry, which we’re doing a documentary with called This Is a Child–
Lisa: Mm.
Jim: … but in the context of being a parent, just, you know, don’t even… let’s just talk about being adults-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … she said, “It used to be that adults sacrifice for their children.” Like that-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … that’s a worthy calling to be a mom.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Um, and she said today, children are expected to sacrifice for their adult parents-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … isn’t that crazy?
Lisa: Yeah.
Matt: Well, it is crazy. In fact, we’re living, uh, it, with the aftermath of a crazy mindset that says children are an impediment to the life that I intend to pursue. Why does the Christian church need Elon Musk to say, “Hey, we need to have kids.”
Jim: Yeah, no kidding.
Matt: Okay. Now, I’m not advocating his particular approach to having kids-
Jim: (Laughs) Right.
Matt: … uh, but, uh, but the thing is, is the, the truth of the matter is that we have bought into the mind of Satan when it comes to children, because the world right now is in demographic collapse. This is true of Western Europe, it is true of Asia, and it is true… uh, not as true, but still true in the United States. So the God that said be fruitful and multiply, the God that said in Jeremiah 29, “I do not want my people to be diminished,” uh, is the God that we serve, the God that we worship. And without God’s perspective on children and motherhood… see, motherhood isn’t about, “Hey, I’m sacrificing for a time, and then I can go and have a meaningful life,” motherhood is nation building-
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Matt: … that is what is happening-
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Matt: … in a home, is nation building. And because children are viewed, the, the blessing is set aside and the curse, debt, is embraced. Like, we, we, we just pile up the debt and we don’t want the b- the children, but the, the Bible says that debt is a curse and children are a blessing. We have to change our mindset about what we’re doing-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Matt: … we are nation building, you can’t have nation building without Christian families that look at the children as the image of God being spread over the whole earth. And so this is a problem. This is a huge problem and, uh, we, we need to get back to celebrating the power, the incredible nation-building power of motherhood and the discipleship that a mom brings to the next generation. And all you have to do is spend about three seconds looking at the demographic collapse everywhere in the West and recognize that the whole world has bought into the mind of Satan, fruitlessness and death, he is the Lord of the dead. We serve the Lord of the living, and He loves life, and children are His blessing upon us. And so to the degree that we look at children as the accessories that we might or might not want is the degree to which we are, uh, either buying into the mind of the Lord or to the mind of Satan.
Jim: Well, and that’ll preach, I’ll tell you, and those poor women who now are beyond, uh, childbirth age and the lament they have, um, I grieve for them, because they missed out on life’s biggest blessing.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Matt: Yeah.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
John: This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, and our guests today are Matt and Lisa Jacobson, and, uh, we’re talking about a pair of books that they’ve written and, uh, those are 100 Ways to Love Your Son, and 100 Ways to Love Your Daughter. Uh, you can find these and other helpful resources, including our free marriage assessment, at our website, uh, that’s FocusontheFamily.com/broadcast.
Jim: You know, Lisa, I think the fruit… we all now have older adult children-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … and the fruit, I saw that in Trent… uh, just not long ago, we were having a meal together, and he goes, “You know, dad, I just really like our adult relationship.”
Matt: (Laughs).
Jim: And I went, “Wow, that’s awesome.” You know? But even the fact that he expressed it-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … and, and I love and like him so much, and Troy too, and, uh, but what a reward to have your, you know, 20 something son or daughter say that-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … that I like the adulting we’re doing now.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And it’s different, and you have to respect them, and you have to, uh, you know, treat them as a self-determined individual, you know, not somebody you control any longer, and they’ll respond with that kind of affirmation-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … and the irony is they’ll wanna hear what you have to say-
Matt: Mm.
Lisa: Totally.
Jim: … and it’s, again, it’s just like the Lord, it’s like opposite of what you and your flesh think should be done, “I’m gonna control you until you make the decisions I wanna make.” And guess what? They don’t.
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And then when you let go, guess what? They do. And that’s what I’ve seen. How about you?
Lisa: Oh, totally. I think that respecting them as adults, uh, I love having adult kids, it’s just been a, it’s a wonderful season-
Jim: That’s great. Yeah.
Lisa: … and it’s not necessarily an easy season, so that was something I wasn’t prepared for, that you’re gonna continue to have, uh, challenges and things you’ve gotta grow in, ways you’ve gotta figure out as a parent, like how do I parent well this season? But like, uh, our youngest son just got a motorcycle and I’m not really crazy about this at all, um, but again, it was like we were saying earlier that you have a chance to say, “Well, I think they’re dangerous. Uh, it, it worries me, but-
Jim: Mm.
Lisa: … um, okay, be safe.”
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: You know? And then hug them and have him go off and be excited that he’s, that he has this adventure that he’s going on, and I just pray over him a lot-
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Lisa: … but he’s also the same son that’s, “Hey, mom, can I take you out to coffee-
Jim: Yeah, that’s true.
Lisa: … I want to talk to you about some things.”
Jim: But those are tough ones, but those are the things that you do deal with-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … You know, they’re the decision maker now. You’re just the, hopefully, you’re an influencer-
Lisa: Yep.
Jim: … but in a healthy way.
Lisa: But the more we hold back, the more we, uh, encourage them and are there for them, the more they are inclined to reach out to us-
Matt: So we need to ask-
Jim: Absolutely. Yeah.
Lisa: … and say, “Hey, um, I wanna talk to you about this,” or, “This has been heavy on my heart,” or, “How do I work through this?” And, and combined with discretion-
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: … so that that’s only between, you know, the-
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: … few people that need to know.
Jim: Matt, what we’re describing, and I’ll hit it hopefully, which is respect, I mean, that you respect your adult child-
Matt: Yes.
Jim: … and, uh, you know, again, it’s one of those simple things that your two books address so well and great reminders for what should be there naturally-
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: … but it’s showing respect for your child and that comes in so many forms. And it’s human nature, when you feel respected… just think of you, the viewer, the listener, when you feel respected, what does that do to you inside? It, it bolsters you, you, you come up emotionally in every way. So how do we do that? (laughs)
Matt: Well, as, as family members, sometimes we, we take liberties with, uh, family members that we wouldn’t take with someone else, we just somehow have a different standard. But it’s really great for parents to train themselves to think in terms of respecting my children, respecting them, treating them with, uh, the same way I treat my neighbor, I don’t tell him he should have bought a different lawnmower, you know?
Jim: (Laughs).
Lisa: (laughs).
Matt: Uh, right? And so, and the thing is, is-
Lisa: That’s good.
Matt: … is that if you can just keep your opinions to yourself, and you have to do that a number of ways, not just verbally, but your countenance, your tone, that, that all goes in to-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Matt: … to speaking respect into the life of your son and, and, or, or daughter. And if they ask you, then you’ve got an opening, but you don’t have the right to lean in and get them to try to do what you want. And the more you grasp, the more you lean in, the more you try, it is literally, uh, directly correlative to the amount they’re gonna pull back and not want to talk to you.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
John: You know, I appreciate that. And, um, I have a friend who has a son who has gone down a very different path in some of his life choices, and this friend has said, “The key for us to have a relationship is for me to get to know his friends.” And so I hang out with him when he’s with his friends. And it’s not an awkward kind of, “Oh, my dad’s here.” It’s, um, I think he’s loving his son through his friends-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
John: … does that make sense?
Lisa: Yeah, interesting. Yeah.
John: Do, have you seen something like that where it’s kind of a backdoor approach to maintain the relationship? It’s not a, let’s work on the relationship now that you’re an adult-
Matt: Yeah, right. They’ll run like, uh- (laughs)
John: Yeah.
Matt: … like they’re trying to get away from, from a zombie if you take that approach in terms of… And, and I made that mistake, right, with my oldest son, I totally did. Uh, we had this time in the car where we were driving for miles, uh, o- over to his, his guitar lesson, and I’m thinking, “Great, we can go deep. We can talk about stuff, you know. And so, “Son, what are you thinking about now?” And he’s like, “Hmm, nothing.”
John: (Laughs).
Matt: You know? But anyway, what I should have done is just said, “Hey, we’re gonna be in the car. Do you have some music that you’re liking these days?” And just listened to it and-
John: Mm-hmm.
Matt: … just been present with him. But I’m the kind of the person, like, I don’t like the three-minute conversations at the, you know, the party, I wanna sit and I just wanna go-
John: Go deep.
Matt: … you know, go deep. And, and so the more that I tried to do that, the more he would withhold and, and turn into himself. And so I kinda learned that, uh, I was doing it the wrong way-
Jim: (laughs).
Matt: … and, uh, and, and, but, but the thing is, is that the more you grasp, the less that you… It’s like grabbing sand, the dry sand at the beach, the harder you grasp it, the more it’s gonna slip through your fingers, but the more you step back and-
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: … and just respect that other person and be genuinely interested in them, but not always try to go to the deep place all the time, uh, the, the more that you’re just interested in them as a person and, uh, and respect them and keep your opinions to yourself, but offer them when they’re asked-
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: … boy, does it come back in spades when they’re a little older? Right now, our kids are, you know… we actually thought, hey, we’re… you know, we’ll never be empty nesters because of our, our disabled daughter who’s gonna live with us for the duration, but we always thought, wow, you know, we’re just gonna have this time of life when the kids are out doing other thi- we see our kids constantly-
Lisa: (laughs).
Matt: … they’re in and out of our lives so much.
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: Yeah, it’s nice.
Jim: No, it’s so good. And, you know, I wanna highlight something there, which is the power of observation, that’s part of what you’re saying-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Matt: Yes.
Jim: … and you know, that great scripture that we all know, which is, to train up your child in the way he or she should go and that, and when they’re old, they will not depart from it-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … that’s my paraphrased version-
Matt: sure.
Jim: … obviously, but in that is a power of observation-
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: … of mom and dad to be able to notice their bents, to notice what, uh, kind of what fuels them-
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: … you know, and always that affirmation and that loving kindness toward them. And, you know, sometimes, we just take it for granted. You know, we get frustrated, we lash out, they’re not doing it the way we wanna do it, whether they’re teenagers, preteens, or 20 somethings-
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … and you just have to do it differently.
Matt: Yeah. Uh, parents get to learn and grow, and we certainly have along the way.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Matt: Uh, it’s not just the kids that are growing and maturing.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Tell me about your vacation and the idea of The Blessing Book-
Matt: Oh, yeah.
Jim: … this is good. I like this.
Lisa: So every summer, our family all gets together because some of our family members live across the country, so it’s a really big deal. And it’s a full week, everybody together, and we do various things to make it special, make it meaningful, because it’s more than just a good time, it’s also a, almost like a retreat. And, uh, so one idea we had was to put together what one of our kids called The Blessing Book. It’s just a personalized leather journal that we gave to each family or a single member. And in it, you have three questions on what are some things that you’ve really struggled this past year and how has God shown Himself faithful, and what are some of the joys, what are some of the answers to prayer you’ve seen and, um-
Matt: Blessings you received.
Lisa: … and the blessings you received. And then the third one would be, what are some of your hopes, dreams, prayer requests in the future? And we gave it to each of the kids, they had it all year long to kind of fill out, think about, talk about, and then they come together and-
Jim: Ah.
Lisa: … we had one whole, um, morning together where everybody went around and they shared from their-
Matt: Well, we actually weren’t sure how it was gonna go.
Lisa: Yeah.
Jim: Hey, are there pages blank? (laughs).
Matt: Would even bring their book? You know, we weren’t sure how it would go.
Lisa: No, no, we weren’t sure if there’d be pushback, to be honest, you know, in terms of like, “Hey, wait a minute-
Jim: Okay. Can I ask you a question-
Lisa: Yeah.
Jim: … like during the year, did you ever say, “Are you putting anything in your book?”
Lisa: Yeah, I did.
John: (Laughs).
Matt: (laughs).
Jim: Okay, good, ’cause that, that’s what I would’ve been doing, I would’ve been on them like a drill sergeant-
Matt: (Laughs).
Jim: … remember, vacation’s coming up in nine months. (Laughs).
Lisa: Oh, totally. And in fact, it was one of the kids that, on our family group chat, that said, “Now we’re supposed to bring our, our blessing books, right?”
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: I’m like, “Yeah. Okay, good.” That was a good start-
Jim: Those are type A sons and daughters-
Matt: (laughs).
Jim: … and the type Cs, were they still able to put a few things in there?
Lisa: Yeah, everybody put some… I was amazed.
Jim: Oh, that’s so good. Yeah.
Lisa: And there was a one child, one daughter that just said, “I don’t know if I want to share this year. I’ve had a rough year.” And I said-
Jim: Oh.
Lisa: … “That’s totally fine, you’re not obligated to share. Um, it’s, it’s, you know, it’s not mandatory.” But by the time everybody-
Matt: But she did anyway.
Lisa: By the time everybody were in the circle, she totally shared and, and we all learned things about each other that-
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: … we didn’t know things that people were struggling with-
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: … that we didn’t know. And, uh, and it was, um, really beautiful, and it, it was, uh, for everybody to find out, oh, you know, everybody has their blessings that we didn’t know about-
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: … and challenges.
Jim: That’s for sure. Lisa, let’s end here, explain the context, uh, in the books you wrote a quote, “Some of my best parenting happens when I’m humbly on my knees.”
Lisa: Mm-hmm. I had no idea that parenting was gonna involve so much prayer. I really didn’t-
Jim: (Laughs).
Lisa: … I always thought I could, you know, be … I’m a practical person, I thought, “Okay, we’ll come up with a solution, we’ll come up with a system,” and that just didn’t hold for very long at all. And there have been many, many times where Matt and I have laid in bed at night, you know, reached for my hand and we just said, “Okay, let’s just pray for this situation, pray for this child.” Sometimes the Lord would bring a, a breakthrough in terms of an aha moment, “Okay, I see what we’re missing,” and other times, it would be just, “Lord, move where we can’t seem to move this child and he, she needs to move.” And, um, yeah, so a lot of prayer goes into our parenting. And to this day, you know, there are older kids, I think every day we are praying for-
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: … at least one or two children that have a need or a s- sorrow or, um, an opportunity and, uh, and that’s… and they know. And I, you know, one of the thing I love is our kids now, they’re older, they, they’ll call us and they’ll say, “Okay, can you pray over this?” And, um-
Jim: That’s great.
Lisa: … and, uh, I really, really appreciate that they know that, that, that’s gonna be prayed over-
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: … and that it, and that it matters.
Jim: It’s beautiful. I mean, that’s a great place to end today. Thank you so much for the great wisdom you’ve poured into us, and, uh, man, two days of wonderful sharing, good stuff. And the books are 100 Ways to Love Your Daughter, 100 Ways to Love Your Son, and, uh, you know, if you’re a concerned parent that, “Am I doing it right?” I think we all kind of have that self-reflection-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: You know, you can do the parent assessment, you can get ahold of these two great books, or either of them, if you don’t have daughters, obviously, get the boy book. But, uh, we just wanna engage you to… And I, again, appreciate your willingness or your… my nudging you to share your strengths and your weaknesses-
Matt: Oh, yeah.
Jim: … you kinda did the self-assessment right in front of our eyes-
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: But you don’t wanna have regrets as a parent, you wanna say, “I did a good job in parenting.” You don’t own the outcome, your children own that outcome-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … and, uh, the best thing you could do is do the predictive things that will allow them to know the Lord, live with the Lord, love the Lord and serve the Lord. We can send either book, or both, uh, to you when you send a gift of any amount to Focus on the Family. Your giving provides the fuel that we need to bless and strengthen families like we’ve done today. And the fact is only a tiny fraction of the people who listen, I mean, it’s like 1, 2%-
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … of the listenership actually supports the ministry. I don’t say that as a, a point of guilt, I’m just saying, can more of us, like Jean and I, and Dena and John, I mean, you guys support the ministry too, can we all pitch in together because so much more can be done together to impact the kingdom on this earth right now.
Matt: Mm.
Jim: If you find the programming like this helpful for your family and faith, consider a one-time gift or a monthly pledge to touch others.
John: Yeah, it’ll mean so much to us. Uh, just call 800-232-6459. That’s 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY. And, uh, you can also donate and get the Jacobson’s books at FocusontheFamily.com/broadcast. And, uh, let me remind you about our free parenting assessment. It’s a very simple online tool that gives you, as a mom or a dad, an honest look at your unique strengths and what’s going well, and maybe a review of some areas where you can improve. Uh, it’ll be 10 or 15 minutes of investment. It’ll be a lifetime of change and growth. Uh, let me urge you to check that out today. It’s free and it’s on our website.
Jim: Matt and Lisa, thanks so much for being with us. This has been great.
Lisa: Thank you so much.
Matt: We always love coming. Great to be with you both.
John: And coming up tomorrow, uh, how to have a godly understanding of your sexual identity.
Dr. Juli Slattery: But when we look at scripture, what God really calls us to in every area of our life is to offer ourselves completely to Him, which is surrender, which is to say, uh, my body doesn’t belong to you, it was, I was purchased with the blood of Christ.
John: Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.
