Man #1: I show love to my girls really every morning. If they don’t come over to me to give me a hug, I will always go find them and give them a big daddy hug and big daddy kiss on the head.
Woman: I have both a boy and two girls and love looks very much like time. They enjoy time with me together, um, individually.
Man #2: My daughters are grown now and so connecting is a little bit harder, but I try to pursue them, uh, to invite them over for dinner or to call or just send a text. I’m thinking of you.
John Fuller: Well, I wonder if you resonate with those comments. Um, every parent wants to love well, but sometimes we need to just be more intentional about, uh, showing love to our children. Welcome to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller, and we’re so glad you’ve joined us today.
Jim Daly: John, I’ve always enjoyed, uh, being dad for my sons. It’s just been the highlight of my life. I, you know, you can meet presidents and senators. The biggest joy I ever had was being at home with my boys and playing wrestling on the carpet or whatever it would have been. And, uh, I just felt delighted at that time. And I hope that’s your goal as a parent, uh, expressing the ways that you love your kids. There’s gonna be a question in this show. You can love your kids, but do you like your kids?
John: Hmm.
Jim: What a great target to aim at. Uh, but life gets busy. You know, it’s hard to concentrate on all the balls that you’re tossing, all the plates that are spinning, moms and dads. So today, we’re gonna help build into your vocabulary and your actions, things you can do as a mom or dad of a daughter or a son. And to concentrate, to have a plan to say, “Okay, how do my kids leave the household knowing that they were loved and liked?”
John: Mm-hmm. Yeah. And Matt and Lisa Jacobson are our guests today. Uh, they’re authors, speakers, podcasts, hosts, and they’ve written a number of books about marriage and parenting. Uh, the basis for our conversation today is a pair of books they’ve written, uh, 100 Ways to Love Your Daughter and also 100 Ways to Love Your Son. Uh, the subtitle for each is The Simple, Powerful Path to a Close and Lasting Relationship. These are great books, and you can learn more about them at our website, and that’s FocusontheFamily.com/broadcast.
Jim: Matt and Lisa, welcome back to Focus on the Family. It’s good to have you.
Matt Jacobson: Great to be with you again.
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa Jacobson: Thank you.
Jim: So nice to see you guys. And, uh, you know, this is something we’ve covered before, but this content is so rich and so important that parents need to have those updated, uh, conversations and tools. But y- you know, some people, when I’m thinking about raising a daughter, I haven’t had that experience. John, you’ve had that experience.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: But you guys have four daughters and four sons. So you guys are the experienced parents here at the table.
Lisa: (Laughs).
Jim: And the ages are 31 to 19, if I have that right.
Lisa: Yep.
Matt: That’s right.
Jim: So you guys, you still have quite a range of children, adult children that you’re dealing with, with all that wonderful experience. Was it your intention… I’ll be one of your best friends here at your small group. Was it your intention to have that many kids?
Matt: (Laughs).
Jim: Or did you just let God, you know, do His thing?
Matt: You know what? Initially, it wasn’t. Initially, we just had the idea that, uh, maybe, maybe three, and if we’re crazy, we’ll have four, you know? (laughs).
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: Uh, but it was just a process that we went through that we thought, “You know what? We’re just gonna ride this out and see what God gives us.” And so that’s what, that’s really what we did.
Jim: That’s crazy. And then, and I think wonderful actually, but like a 10 passenger vehicle, what was that vehicle? (laughs)
Matt: Well, I promise you, we didn’t have the same vehicle from, you know, at five year intervals. We had to switch it up as we went along.
Jim: Did you ever have to caravan? Like mom’s taking the wagon, dad’s taking the minivan?
Matt: Well, we definitely did that, but we wound up with the 15 passenger van …
Jim: I knew that was coming somewhere!
Matt: And I’ve got a friend who has a lot of kids. Actually, he’s a few years younger than me, but he said, “I just can’t do that. It’s just not cool.” (laughter)
Jim: You could put flames…
Matt: He drove one, he got one eventually.
Jim: He could put flames on the side, that really helps the cool factor. (laughter)
Matt: Oh yeah, I never even thought about that.
Jim: Let me ask you this one, you stress the importance of both quantity and quality time. You know, so many people have said, Dr. Dobson used to say, “It’s not quality time, it’s time. Your kids just need time.” So give us that differential between quality time and just time.
Matt: Well, one of the things I would say about that is one of the most important quality times that you can bring to your family is to guard the time that you and your wife have every week alone. And we made that a priority from the very beginning and, and again, you know, kids have the capacity to suck up 100% of all of your time, energy, and, and, uh, ability and, and sani- sanity. And so what we said is we’re gonna carve out time every week that is just us. And sometimes that was with a door closed in the bedroom and nobody’s allowed to come in and we’re having coffee. Sometimes it’s going out for a cup of coffee and just absolutely prior- prioritizing and protecting that time. So, uh, and that’s probably not the exact question that you asked, but it’s so important for the kids to see dad and mom-
Lisa: Yeah.
Matt: … are loving each other. Dad and mom are prioritizing each other. Dad and mom are enjoying each other.
Jim: No, that’s really important. Lisa, maybe I can look at you for the quality and quantity time for children. I mean, how do you… Did you have to create a schedule (laughs) with eight kids to say, “Okay, today is Bob’s time. Tomorrow is Betty’s time.”
Lisa: Yes, actually. I did.
Jim: Yeah. No, it’s okay.
Lisa: But I didn’t communicate that.
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: I didn’t want them to feel like they’re… In fact, my kids are probably listening right now, but-
Jim: They still don’t know.
Matt: How did you know the names of our kids, by the way? (laughs).
Jim: Wild guess.
Lisa: But I still have a mental list of, okay, we haven’t seen, uh, Cambria lately. Let’s, uh, let’s… Have you touched bases with her? Or any of our kids. We really wanna make sure they’re always on the rotation. And we talk with each other about, “Hey, can you, you should grab Nolace and take him out to lunch and, hey, I…” You know, we just make sure that everybody has time with us. And it can be different kinds of time. Sometimes it’s just going out, sometimes it’s doing a job together, working on a project together, lots of different things that we try to do. So-
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: Um, but I, I think as a mom, I really, really wanted to communicate that I have time for you and never that you’re squeezed into my schedule, even if it’s what’s, what it looks like on the ground, that they feel like I am here for you.
Jim: Yeah. In that space, let me ask you this question because I’m thinking back to all eight kids at home and, you know, obviously some are very young, some are teens and late teens in high school. So in that moment of trying to maintain a mental routine, a mental calendar of spending time with each child, did anyone get overlooked? You know, I, I think if you’re looking with emotion and you’re saying, you know, so-and-so needs a little time, I think they bombed a test or, you know, whatever, was there any child that flew under the radar for you guys that you looked back and went, “Hmm, that would have been good to spend a little more time with that son.”
Matt: There actually was, uh, one of our kids and it, but it had, it didn’t have to do with necessarily just overlooking kid in the course of normal life.
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: It had to do with our daughter who was, uh, she had a hemorrhage in utero and was born and that just, she’s 25 years old today, but that proceeded to, uh, turn our lives upside down and, uh, for two years we were fighting for her life and it was just every hospital visit, every doctor visit, uh, just-
Jim: Wow.
Matt: And, and it was, it was so intense, um, that, uh, that it really impacted the child that was closest to her-
Lisa: Oh, okay.
Matt: … in terms of the time-
Lisa: Yeah.
Matt: … that, uh, that we had. And we recognized that a little later on, but it absolutely was something that, uh, that we had to recognize and, uh, try to remedy because-
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: … that was reality and it wa-… It, you know, it was simply the, because all of our time, energy and attention was just absorbed with this traumatic circumstance-
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: … we had that lasted for about, well, it’s lasting today because she’s still in a wheel- wheelchair and disabled, but, but for two years, it just completely absorbed all of us.
Jim: And that, those are the kinds of things that can happen. I think for Trent and Troy, Trent, you know, he was a bit of a handful in high school, so he got a lot of our attention.
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And Troy kind of flew under that radar.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And it, we laugh about it today because Troy got away with a lot more than Trent did.
Lisa: (Laughs).
Jim: Because, you know, Trent was in neon for us as the firstborn.
Matt: Uh-huh.
Jim: So it, it even happens when you have, you know, physically healthy children.
Matt: Yup. Yeah, yeah.
Jim: That had to be dramatic to have a child with special needs. I mean, that does pull a lot of energy from the parents and from the siblings to be able to take care of that.
Matt: Yeah, it does. And obviously, you know, everybody’s life is filled with all sorts of things that you’d never choose for yourself.
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: And that certainly was one of them for us. Um, had a big impact, but that was God’s journey and His plan and path for us and He uses it for His purposes. So-
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: … we embrace it.
Jim: You know, we asked that in the setup, this idea of liking your children. And I really like that-
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: … you mentioned it in the two books, you did. Uh, you, you’re the parent, you’re gonna love your children.
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: I would hope that you would lay your life down for your children, right? That’s what we often think about, but I would do anything for my child. Okay, that’s in that love cup.
Matt: Yep.
Jim: Then you have, do I like my child?
Matt: (Laughs) Yeah.
Jim: And, you know, sometimes if we’re honest, they probably might be in a developmental stage where there’s not a lot to like, they’re trying to separate from you.
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Let’s just say it’s 15.
Matt: (Laughs) Okay. Yeah.
Jim: (Laughs) You know, they don’t wanna wear what you suggest they might wear to be a little more modest or whatever the argument might be.
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: They’re just in a lot of confrontation. Now, not every child’s gonna be in that spot, I know. But typically-
Matt: It’s pretty common. Yeah.
Jim: … you’re gonna have that.
Matt: Absolutely.
Jim: So how do you, how do you take that self evaluation in your dad head or your mom head and go-
Matt: Sure.
Jim: … “Yeah, I, I love my child. Um, how can I get to a better place in terms of liking them?”
Matt: Yeah. Well, I think one of the things that happens when kids get into those years of, you know, we’re, we’re moving into our independence, and nobody thinks about it concretely, but that’s what happens, but it winds up being something that’s really personal and hurtful to a parent is when their children pull away a little bit. One of the things that we tried to do is we just tried to anticipate that is what’s going to happen. And, uh, of course we have eight kids, so we had some practice with the older ones-
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: … uh, a little bit. I think we got better at it with the younger set, but, uh, embracing the reality of this is a part of growing up, it is a part of the development of a young man or a young woman. They are going to go through a process of, I want to become, or I am finding out who I am, I want to become my own person. And it’s, it, it feels so personal, but it’s not personal when you stand back and look at the fact that this is a normal part of the process. And, uh, if you can get your, uh, your game face on as a parent before you get there, it’s actually really helpful when, and then you start recognizing what it is. One of the things that we did is, uh, is just, we, we would tell our kids, “Hey, you’re gonna go into this independent phase. It’s gonna come and we embrace it. We’re excited about your independence.”
Lisa: I was just thinking about the part of liking them and just communicating that, and some of the ways we do, we can do that is when, let’s say a, a child is going through an awkward stage, let’s say a teenager, and, but actually going up to our son, I can remember one time in particular, he was washing the eggs and he was, he was not really happy with himself. It was obvious he’s, um, has a very strong personality that kind of grates on people and sometimes, and I just told him, “You know, I just see how faithful you are and with the little things, and I really like that about you”. And he just, like you could just see, his shoulders-
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: … got a little broader and he just felt a little better about himself. And it was a very powerful moment and for, as a parent, I thought, okay, that, I didn’t know how powerful that would be, but I really wanted to intentionally practice that kind of communication with all of my kids.
Jim: Yeah.
Lisa: And not just saying, “I love you, but I really like that about you. I see that in you.” And, and, and they really need to hear it in those-
Jim: They really did.
Lisa: … those teen years especially.
Jim: You know, it’s interesting you could apply that to marriage (laughs), you know? Do you, do you love your spouse, but do you like your spouse?
Matt: Yeah.
Lisa: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Jim: And then, how do you recognize those things that your spouse does-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … that you can say, “Hey, I really appreciate that. I like what you did there.”
Lisa: Yeah.
Matt: I think we look at all the billions of dollars that are spent in advertising-
Jim: (Laughs).
Matt: … for whatever company and we go, “Wow, what a waste of money.” And they’re going, “Yeah, we’re not wasting our money. We’re messaging and we want you to have our thoughts in your head.”
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Matt: And as parents, it’s so important for parents to recognize the power of messaging with your children, young and teenagers and a little bit older. The things that you speak to them regularly in terms of helping them to think about who I am, defining who you are as a person, because the world, they’re busy. The world is busy messaging to your children, and it’s really, really important for a parent to recognize what a powerful role you have, what, what an incredible opportunity you have to speak into the life on a regular basis of your son or your daughter, who you are, why you’re wonderful, what we like about you, what kind of person you are. Messaging is so, so-
Jim: Right.
Matt: … powerful. And the advertisers go, “Yeah, we’re not doing it just one time.”
Lisa: Hmm.
Matt: “We’re gonna do it repeatedly because we wanna win this game.”
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: Same thing with parenting. Just embrace the power of messaging in the lives of your children.
Jim: That’s so good.
John: Yeah. Talking today about being intentional and loving your children well. Uh, our guests on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly are Matt and Lisa Jacobson. They’ve written a pair of books called 100 Ways to Love Your Daughter and also 100 Ways to Love Your Son. Lot of practical stuff here and, uh, you can get a copy of it from us at the ministry. Our website is FocusontheFamily.com/broadcast.
Jim: Let’s talk about sons for a minute. That’s in my space of, uh, experience, but why do you encourage parents to let their boys build forts inside the house?
Lisa: (Laughs).
Jim: Which I love. We did that.
Lisa: We did do that.
Matt: Well, it’s just easy to be uptight as a parent. And I have many, you know, looking back on my parenting, there were definitely, uh, elements of, A, you’re too uptight about that, especially with, uh, the first set of four as opposed to the second set.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Matt: But even with the first set, uh, we had a balcony, we had this, uh, log railing that went from, you know, the upper floor down to the living room, and we let the kids, you know, repel off of that and down to-
Jim: (Laughs).
Lisa: Get a big rope swing that they jimmied up there and they-
Jim: A bunch of moms just went, “What?”
Lisa: (Laughs) I know.
Matt: Yeah. So-
Lisa: And I’m not sorry.
Matt: Yeah. Yeah.
Lisa: I’m still, I’m not sorry that we did that.
Jim: Yeah, that’s good.
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: It gave a sense of adventure.
Lisa: Yeah.
Jim: It’s about, I think that’s a good idea. Lisa, parenting boys, uh, can be challenging, I think, for a lot of moms.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: I think, you know, Jean, if she were sitting here, she’d say, yeah, she was the only girl in the house.
Matt: (Laughs).
Jim: She felt a little overwhelmed, especially when the boys were teens and begin to do things that were a little more reckless.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And, uh, I can remember they were just learning to ride bicycles, and everybody’s gonna get mad at me for this, but, you know, I think one time I forgot to have them wear helmets and she came out, “What are you thinking? Get a helmet.” Now, they’re going all of one mile an hour-
Lisa: (Laughs).
Jim: … but it’s true. A little safety goes a long way, but it’s that kind of thing that, you know, a lot of dads may not think about that, but moms are pretty consistent thinking about safety. Uh, boys think and act very differently. H- how did those differences play out for your family as mom?
Lisa: Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think our boys needed room and space to grow and make mistakes and fall and get hurt. And I, I just had to come to terms with that and accept it and even embrace it. And I think the payback was incredible because the boys l- loved me all the more for it. Like, I think the more I said, you know, “Go ahead, go do it. Yeah, that should be fine.” The more yeses I gave them, the more they were inclined to come to me and talk to me or run things by me and-
Jim: But, but the big question then is, you didn’t feel that, obviously, in your mental equation that if I give this over, that they will actually appreciate my motherhood. (laughs)
Lisa: It was an experiment. (laughs)
Jim: And, and so I, you know, that’s where I wanted to go for the moms that are still struggling-
Lisa: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Jim: … in that area. Ha-… That’s a big speed bump.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: So how, did you have to coach yourself? Did you have self-talk going like, “No, no, no, don’t say that. What I want… Go ahead, kids. Go jump off the rock.”
Lisa: (Laughs).
Jim: Rules, but-
Lisa: Exactly.
Jim: … you, you know, how did you get yourself to that regular rhythm of saying, “Okay,” saying yes rather than no?
Lisa: Well, Matt and I talked a lot about these kinds of things, especially with the boys and, and I’d say, you know, “What do you think of this? I’m concerned about that. They wanna s- stay overnight outside in the snowstorm.” And I was worried sick that they were gonna die of the cold. Remember that? (laughs).
Jim: That seems rational to me.
Lisa: He’s like, he’s like, “No, they’ll be fine.” He goes, “I’ll go check on ’em if it’ll make you feel better, but they’re gonna be fine.” And I had to trust Matt in that too, that he cares about his boys, he’s not gonna let anything crazy happen.
Jim: (Laughs).
Lisa: And, um, and I think that was really helpful to trust that.
Matt: But that particular snowstorm, I think the girls were out there too.
Lisa: Oh, that’s true.
Matt: Yeah. (laughs).
Jim: Yeah. Well, good. See, he’s counting heads. (laughs) So that proves that you were paying attention. I may not have passed that test.
Lisa: (Laughs).
Jim: We only have two kids, you know? (laughs) “Where’s the other one?” I don’t know. Um, yeah, that’s, I mean, uh, Matt, let’s turn it to you, dad’s affirming their sons. So moms letting them explore, which is really critical that it-
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: I think in that context, it conveys a sense of trust when you do that to your sons, Lisa. I think Jean learned that as well. Matt, what does a father provide when they’re affirming their sons?
Matt: Well, every kid wants to know that he can. He wants to learn that, uh, he can climb the mountain and he can do things that, uh, maybe looked impossible. And when you believe in the moments that a kid can’t believe for themselves or don’t necessarily believe for themselves, you provide that positive context for going and doing it. I remember when Revere was on the rock down at, uh, at, at the lake.
Jim: (Laughs) Yeah.
Matt: And he just didn’t want to jump off and he, so I went and shoved him. No, I’m kidding.
Lisa: (Laughs).
Matt: But, uh, no.
Lisa: Yeah, good. Yeah.
Matt: So-
Jim: Said the kidding part fast.
Lisa: A pa-… Anot- another parenting technique.
Jim: Yeah, yeah.
Matt: No, but, but I was in the water and I just said, “You can do this. I know you can do it.” And, and he’s just like, “Can I? Should I? Can I? Should I?” But, but he, he jumped off. So a parent is there to show a kid that they absolutely can conquer, they can triumph. And so, uh, I think sometimes, uh, as dads, we don’t realize, first of all, the many opportunities that we have to speak strength and power into the hearts of our sons, but I also think that, uh, we don’t recognize the power of our own voice in that affirming, in that, you know, we’re, we’re so safety-oriented sometimes, we’re like, “Oh, be careful.” And, and being, we can be too cautious, I think.
Jim: That’s true. I think so. I remember, uh, we had something here and still do it from time to time, adventures in fatherhood, but it’s a repelling exercise in-
Matt: Oh, cool. Yeah.
Jim: Near Yosemite in California.
Matt: Oh, that’s awesome.
Jim: And Troy and I, I took Troy and we’re going off the prowl. Now, never go off the prowl.
Matt: (Laughs).
Jim: Something called the prowl. (laughs) But it was a 200-foot repel.
Matt: Oh, wow. That’s amazing.
Lisa: Wow. Oh, goodness.
Jim: You know, and this is the first time Troy had been at that height and he was probably 10.
Matt: Wow. Oh, look at that. Wow. Okay (laughs).
Jim: So we’re going over, we’re going over this thing-
Matt: Wow.
Jim: … and you’re supposed to keep your feet out so you don’t smash the rock. Of course, he let his feet drop and he went right into the rock.
Lisa: Oh, no.
Jim: Not hard, but-
Lisa: Yeah.
Jim: … he started to cry like, “Dad, I’m so afraid. I don’t know what to do.” And I’m holding myself in this repel position going, “Troy, I don’t have much more time.” (laughs) I mean, I’m, I’m not a small guy.
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: And I’ve got to go, so you gotta get down. And he’s crying and I-
Lisa: Oh, wow.
Jim: … I, I had to let go. And he comes down just a, you know, a minute later after sitting there spinning in the wind crying and he went down and he hits the ground and he goes, “That was so fun. Let’s do it again.”
Matt: (Laughs) Nice. Yeah.
Jim: And I say to him-
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: I say, “You became a man in 200 feet. Well, maybe 195, but you know, bang, he hit the ground and then he had fun, he did more repelling-
Matt: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … and he didn’t look back. But that’s an example of what you’re driving at, you know?
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And that’s a, that is an affirmation that you’re a young man.
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: I mean, you can do these things. I don’t have that experience of the girls. So John, I’m gonna throw the question to you.
John: Okay. (laughs).
Jim: You can ask it.
John: Yeah. I, we had two boys to begin with and that was so easy. You just have to give them room to break things and, and-
Lisa: (Laughs).
John: … as you said, have some space. Girls required something else. You know, Matt, you were talking about the messaging. Uh, there’s so much wrapped up in, uh, outward appearance for girls. And I mean, I, I think that’s been the case forever, but with all the messaging from advertising and social media, how did you two handle giving your girls a sense of emotional and inner and then exterior beauty and, and, and loveliness, the good stuff?
Lisa: Mm-hmm. That is such a good and huge question. I kind of hope that because we raised our daughters in a loving, homeschooling family, that they would just never struggle with that. I really did. I thought, I don’t want them to struggle the way I struggled. And, um, but it turns out it’s, it’s really hard.
John: You couldn’t prevent that.
Lisa: No, I couldn’t prevent that. And especially, especially with social media, I really saw the damage that, uh, the harm from, from Instagram and some of those other sites that inform our girls what they’re supposed to look like. And, and so I felt like we had to do just double time to try to encourage them. You’re beautiful just the way you are. I love these things about you. And I w- we want our daughters to feel lovely, but we want it to be also not skin-deep. Like, we don’t want it to be all of that.
John: Yeah.
Lisa: We want them to feel good about who they are as people.
John: Right.
Lisa: And that took a ton of messaging, um, specifically and spending time with them and pointing out what’s lovely about them.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Matt, let me ask you this last question, and we’re gonna come back next time if you’ll stick with us and we’ll cover more. But I, I can remember Jean, uh, she can actually remember a time period where her dad stopped hugging her-
Matt: Oh.
Jim: … and her two sisters. And she probably rightfully deduced that her mom and dad had a talk and maybe mom said, “You know what? The girls are now 11, 12. Probably be good for you to stop hugging them.” Which, again, is a generational thing too. And it can come out of fear, mom’s fear. Maybe something happened to her as a daughter. We get all that.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: But speak to that need-
Matt: Oh, totally. I, I-
Jim: … to keep hugging your daughter for her lifetime.
John: Mm-hmm.
Matt: Well, I, I, I would say yes with a very important caveat. So in the process of my daughters getting to that young womanhood age, I can remember one time, one, one of my daughters, and I don’t remember how old she was, but she was a teenager, and I mean, I like jabbing my kids in the ribs, you know?
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: I just do. And she was doing the dishes, and I went up behind her and went, eh, in her ribs.
Lisa: (Laughs).
Matt: Okay?
Jim: Fine China?
Matt: I’m, I’m, I’m, I’m coming to the hugging part, but, uh, but the thing is, is that it really made her mad and she said, “Dad, I am a young woman.”
Jim: Oh, okay.
Matt: And I was, you know, in terms of-
Jim: Yeah, that’s respect me.
Matt: In terms… Yeah.
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: I had to make that transition in my mind. So relative to hugging, yes, hugging is super important. Physical touches, super important. However, in those intervening years where the independence is blossoming and blooming, they might have a season where they don’t want hugs-
John: Mm-hmm.
Matt: … and every child is different. Uh, I’m happy to say that all of our kids hug us now, you know, uh, and, and, but, but I definitely had a time where my daughters were like, got a little awkward about the hugs and so I don’t know, it was a few years, but, but that’s all past now.
Jim: Yeah.
Matt: And of course we hug. In fact, we hug so much that when spouses marry into our family, they’re, that are not used to hugging.
Lisa: (Laughs).
Matt: Which we have a couple.
Lisa: Yeah. It’s like, “Whoa.” (Laughs)
Matt: And that’s kind of funny. But it’s good. It’s good. It’s positive. They’re, uh-
Jim: Yeah, but I, I appreciate that. I think, you know, we always try to say appropriate hugging.
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: And it’s unfortunate that we have to say that now.
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: But it, it is true, you know, you want to be respectful and, but it’s important, I would say for Jean, it was just that affection-
Matt: Yeah.
Jim: … that you notice me, that you care for me.
Matt: Absolutely.
Jim: That’s what you want to communicate, whether that’s, uh-
Matt: But the way I, the way I like to say it is, it’s really important to communicate love and respect in a manner that’s meaningful to the other person relative to the stage that they’re in. And so, um, you know, so, so if the parent is pulling back, I’m not hugging anymore, that’s a problem. But if a child is saying, “Um, I’m now a young woman,” and, um, I, you know, I did-
Jim: Right.
Matt: She’s not embracing those kid hugs anymore in the same way.
Jim: Totally.
Matt: But, uh, but if you don’t grasp at it, you’ll find in later years, she’ll want to hug her dad.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: There you go. Matt and Lisa, what a great reminder that the simple things are so important. Even though as parents, we sometime are moving so fast-
John: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Jim: … we forget the simple things.
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Um, like I said, let’s come back next time. Thanks for being with us today and we’ll pick up the conversation and keep going. Can we do that?
Matt: Always great to be with you. Absolutely.
Lisa: A- Absolutely. Thank you.
Jim: Well, listen, uh, we’ve got our typical offer. Why don’t you join us in ministry, make a gift of any amount? You can choose either of the books, 100 Ways to Love Your Son or 100 Ways to Love Your Daughter, or choose them both, uh, for a gift of any amount. I’m assuming you might have both a daughter and a son (laughs), and if you can make that gift, we’ll send the books as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry. And in fact, let’s give you some evidence for what that impact can look like. Lauren recently sent us a note, uh, describing how she was not parented well growing up. I’m sorry to say we get many of these notes.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Uh, but she said, “Focus on the Family has helped fill that void and so much more. I’ve found so many books, resources and messages that have grown my faith in the process.” That’s what we’re doing. We’re helping her to become a better wife, I believe, and a better mom, obviously.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: But that’s what you invest in as we do ministry together.
John: Yeah, we’d love to hear from you today. Uh, donate and ask for either or both of those books, 100 Ways to Love Your Son and 100 Ways to Love Your Daughter. Uh, you can do so by calling 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY, 800-232-6459, or visit FocusontheFamily.com/broadcast. Also at our website, we’ve got a link to our free parenting assessment, which identifies seven key traits to have a stronger, healthier family, and it’ll give you a lot of great, uh, actionable items, and it’s totally free. It’s our parenting assessment and you’ll find that on our website. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller, inviting you back as we continue the conversation with Matt and Lisa Jacobson, and once again, help you and your family thrive in Christ.
