Complete resolution may not be possible, but you can make things a little easier if you can look at the situation from your child’s point of view. It’s only natural that he wouldn’t want you to become involved with another man. No one can replace his dad, and to his mind that’s exactly what you’re trying to do.
In speaking with single parents about dating, we usually suggest that they don’t involve their children in the process until the relationship is well established and the couple is seriously considering marriage. Otherwise, what often happens is that the child gets accustomed to his parent’s dating partner, begins to form an attachment, and then the relationship ends, resulting in yet another experience of significant loss in the child’s life.
Here’s what we would advise. The next time you become involved in a romantic relationship, don’t push your son to get to know your boyfriend until the two of you are sure that you’re moving toward engagement and marriage. At that point, you’ll need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your boy. Assure him of your love and commitment to him, and tell him that you realize no one could ever replace his dad. Explain that you don’t expect your boyfriend to be his father, but that because you love him very much, you want him to have a place in the family as well.
Take it slow. Introduce your child to the new relationship gradually. Don’t expect instant bonding, and don’t pressure your son and your boyfriend to become instant buddies. You might start by including your boyfriend in some activities that your son enjoys, such as hiking, bike-riding, or going to a ball game.
Above all, you should carefully consider whether the man you’re dating has what it takes to become a positive influence in your child’s life. Your son is your primary responsibility, and it’s critical that you determine whether your romantic interest has the depth of character to become a good step-parent. You mentioned that your son didn’t care for your former boyfriend. It’s important to ask yourself exactly why this was the case. Was it due simply to jealousy or fear of someone replacing his father? Or is it possible that your former boyfriend treated him badly or displayed negative character traits? The answers to these questions could be more valuable than you suspect in helping you to make wiser decisions about dating relationships in the future.
If you have additional questions or would like to discuss this situation at greater length, we invite you to call Focus on the Family’s Counseling department.
Resources
If a title is currently unavailable through Focus on the Family, we encourage you to use another retailer.
The 10 Best Decisions a Single Mom Can Make
Winning the Heart of Your Stepchild
Other books on Single Parenting
Referrals
Smart Stepfamilies
Boundless (see Single Parent Dating articles)
Articles
Re-Entering the Dating Scene After Divorce
