There may be a number of hidden issues underlying the surface turbulence you’re experiencing in your home. In the first place, your child may be dealing with a medical problem. Many chronic conditions (for example, allergies, recurrent headaches, sinusitis or anemia) can cause a child to feel poorly enough to provoke ongoing irritability. Acute illnesses (such as the flu) or injuries can do the same. In either case, the negative behavior you’re experiencing would be accompanied by more specific symptoms. A consultation with your child’s doctor can help determine whether your child’s mental and emotional attitude has a physical cause.
Medications and drugs can also have mood-altering effects. Some common medications which can produce these side effects include antihistamines or decongestant-antihistamine combinations. Surprisingly, drugs which are intended to change behavior (such as Ritalin or Dexedrine) may sometimes backfire and worsen negative behavior. Illicit drugs can also have a dramatic impact on a child’s attitude. Finally, a neuro-chemical disturbance, such as ADHD, or a significant emotional disturbance, such as clinical depression, may also trigger a situation like the one you’ve described. If you’re concerned about any of these possibilities, a physician’s evaluation is essential.
Your child may also be undergoing serious emotional stress. Various kinds of abuse (verbal, physical or sexual), whether at the hands of an adult or other children, can bring about drastic changes in behavior. Withdrawal and ongoing hostility could be signs of a problem in this area.
If you’ve ruled out medical and psychological causes, it’s likely that you’ve simply got an innately strong-willed child on your hands – a child who is going to challenge your leadership until the day he sets out on his own as a young adult. Other possible problems might include your own behavior as a parent. Are you modeling negative or combative behavior? Have you neglected to set consistent limits during the first few years of your child’s life (perhaps brought on by parental turmoil, burnout, illness or divorce)?
Your problem-solving approach will depend on the underlying issues, your child’s temperament and the resources available to you. A meeting with a pastor or family counselor – someone who shares your values and beliefs – might be a good place to begin. You may also find it helpful to join a support group of parents with children of similar ages. Repair work in relationships takes time, and you can expect this project to continue for a number of months.
Call us. Focus on the Family’s Counseling department can provide referrals to qualified Christian therapists practicing in your area. Our counselors would also be happy to discuss your situation with you over the phone.
Resources
The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline That Really Works
Helping Your Kids Deal With Anger, Fear and Sadness
Boundaries With Kids: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life
Referrals
John Rosemond: Parenting with Love and Leadership
Articles
Are Your Kids Needing an Attitude Adjustment? Set Boundaries
