Kids need clear boundaries and limits. Find out how boundaries and limits are part of the seven essential traits of parenting.
Have you ever played a game where the rules were not clearly understood? If so, you know about the chaos that ensues. The same is true of parenting—kids need clear boundaries. Not long ago, researchers from the University of Washington discovered that overly permissive parents tend to have children who are more entitled than their peers and tend to be the bullies in their social groups. But implementing boundaries can be tricky. When rules and expectations are enforced without love, grace, and respect, the family atmosphere turns legalistic. Without much room for grace and forgiveness.
In my counseling practice, I’ve met several families in which parents have wanted me to “fix” their child’s behavior problems. As I talked with these children and their parents, one of two issues became clear. The real issue was either a lack of clear boundaries in their home, or rules that were too strict and not applied with love and grace.
As parents, we often don’t have the energy or capacity to be perfectly consistent with the limits and boundaries we design for our home. I’ve had many moments where I’ve let standards slide. But our goal should be overall consistency in pursuing this trait, even if we have moments when we fall short.
Boundaries laced with love, respect and grace provide several important benefits to kids:
The real world is filled with rules and limitations. Kids who understand healthy boundaries learn what it means to grow up and be more like an adult. They learn to confidently say “yes” and “no” without fear of what people think. They develop an ability to wait for rewards and contribute to a team effort.
Kids raised with boundaries learn to listen and respond to authority. Interestingly, discipline from parents is often seen as an opportunity to learn something, even though it doesn’t seem good in the moment.
When kids understand expectations, they develop a stronger sense of safety and security. They understand what happens when they follow rules, even if they sometimes challenge those boundaries. Testing boundaries helps kids see what the true limits are, and when parents consistently enforce these boundaries, children’s desire to test limits diminishes. (Inconsistent enforcement can create frequent, tiresome battles.)
Kids who recognized a predictable structure of family life are able to focus on fun and enjoyment rather than trying to figure out what rules are going to get them in trouble. These kids also don’t get hyper-focused on fairness and structure with friends or at school, because their home life helps them see that life, overall, has a healthy structure.
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Dr. Daniel Huerta is Vice President of Parenting and Youth for Focus on the Family, overseeing the ministry’s initiatives that equip moms and dads with biblical principles and counsel for raising healthy, resilient children rooted in a thriving faith.
He is a psychologist, a licensed clinical social worker, and the author of 7 Traits of Effective Parenting. For many years, he has provided families with practical, biblically-based and research-based parenting advice on topics including media discernment, discipline, communication, mental health issues, conflict resolution, and healthy sexuality in the home. He is passionate about coming alongside parents as they raise contributors, instead of consumers, in a culture desperately in need of God’s kingdom.
Dr. Huerta has been interviewed by various media outlets including Fox News, Fatherly, Christianity Today, WORLD Magazine, and CBN, and he is a frequent guest on Christian radio stations across the nation. He’s also written for publications, including The Washington Post, on various topics related to marriage and parenting. He participated in the development of Focus on the Family’s Launch Into the Teen Years, a resource to help parents prepare their kids for adolescence, and he speaks regularly at retreats, conventions, and online events.
Dr. Huerta has maintained a private practice in Colorado Springs, Colorado since 2003 and has served families through Focus on the Family since 2004. He and his wife, Heather, have been married since 1997 and love being parents to their three teen children, Alex, Lexi, and Maci.
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