Grace and forgiveness are necessary a healthy home and faith. Asking our children for forgiveness is an essential parenting trait.
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The Cross. That’s all we have to say when we think of the significance of God’s grace. Jesus died to pay the penalty for our sin, giving us eternal life and the ability to extend compassion and grace to others. Yet extending that grace is difficult. The human brain tends to be a magnet for negativity. We often get “stuck” dwelling on negative thoughts, on retaliation rather than forgiveness.
But grace and forgiveness are necessary for love to exist in a home. That starts with intentionally prioritizing our relationships in each situation. We must look beyond the wrongdoings and remember that we all need grace at times; if we are to receive it, we must also give it.
A few years ago, I counseled a father who wrestled with anger issues. As we discussed his struggles, he admitted to harboring bitterness and anger toward his own father. We discussed how this was controlling his marriage and his parenting.
He decided to make a list of things he was determined to forgive his father for. Later, he reported that this simple act of forgiveness gave him a freedom that he’d never experienced. He became more compassionate, connected, and patient toward his wife and children.
If grace and forgiveness are the antidote to our negativity, shouldn’t we more freely give it?
Yes, it’s hard.
Grace means absorbing or canceling a debt that someone has accumulated by hurting you, disappointing you or disrespecting you. It requires us to forgive someone who we believe may not deserve forgiveness, and forgive them for something that we may not be able to forget. It means letting go of any anger that has taken up residence in our head.
As kids are learning how to handle life, relationships and emotions, mistakes and messes will happen. Sometimes we just don’t have the patience to deal with the messiness, but when we’re able to extend forgiveness to our kids, we create an environment of freedom, connectedness and love. Kids ultimately benefit from grace and forgiveness in these ways:
When you model grace, kids learn how to free themselves from being hung up on other people’s mistakes. Rather than spinning their wheels on the slippery ice of anger, extending forgiveness allows them to move forward.
Kids raised with an understanding of grace and forgiveness are better able to move past conflict. Conflict shows how kids care enough to have an opinion; grace and forgiveness show they care about the relationship.
Kids learn to pursue trustworthiness and relationship rather than manipulation or perfection. They learn that no one is perfect, including themselves.
Kids learn how and what to do to rebuild trust. They also learn how the economy of love works. If you love someone, you will know grace and forgiveness.
A couple of years ago, my daughter was in a phase of creatively breaking down words. She looked at forgiveness and said, “Dad, forgiveness is really a gift! Look it says, ‘for-give.’ ” “For” meaning for someone else and “give” in that it is feely given.
Forgiveness truly is a gift for both the sender and the receiver. When we model asking for forgiveness from our children when we make mistakes, love thrives in the home.
Dr. Daniel Huerta is Vice President of Parenting and Youth for Focus on the Family, overseeing the ministry’s initiatives that equip moms and dads with biblical principles and counsel for raising healthy, resilient children rooted in a thriving faith.
He is a psychologist, a licensed clinical social worker, and the author of 7 Traits of Effective Parenting. For many years, he has provided families with practical, biblically-based and research-based parenting advice on topics including media discernment, discipline, communication, mental health issues, conflict resolution, and healthy sexuality in the home. He is passionate about coming alongside parents as they raise contributors, instead of consumers, in a culture desperately in need of God’s kingdom.
Dr. Huerta has been interviewed by various media outlets including Fox News, Fatherly, Christianity Today, WORLD Magazine, and CBN, and he is a frequent guest on Christian radio stations across the nation. He’s also written for publications, including The Washington Post, on various topics related to marriage and parenting. He participated in the development of Focus on the Family’s Launch Into the Teen Years, a resource to help parents prepare their kids for adolescence, and he speaks regularly at retreats, conventions, and online events.
Dr. Huerta has maintained a private practice in Colorado Springs, Colorado since 2003 and has served families through Focus on the Family since 2004. He and his wife, Heather, have been married since 1997 and love being parents to their three teen children, Alex, Lexi, and Maci.
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