Father Was Abusive: What Does It Mean to Honor Him?

My father was a pastor when I was a kid. A few years ago I learned he had sexually molested my sister for years during her childhood. I’m so angry with him and feel very protective of my sister. Am I obligated to honor my dad and spend time with him? I don’t want to sweep all of this under the rug, but he’s in senior living and nearing the end of his life.

ANSWER:

Speaking openly about sexual abuse within a family isn’t easy. We’re thankful you dared to step forward and confront your questions head-on. What happened to your sister — to your entire family — is not OK. Your father chose evil and acted wickedly.

We noticed you didn’t unpack details about your sister’s current emotional and spiritual health. And we assume from the fact that “you found out” about the abuse means that your father hasn’t confessed his sin or accepted responsibility for his crime.

So before we answer your main question, we urge you (and your sister if she hasn’t yet done so) to talk with a trained professional counselor.

Talk with a counselor

A safe, trustworthy person will listen to your pain. They’ll help you find solid footing to take healing steps, and they can guide you about what “honoring” your father in the last years of his life might look like.

They can also offer input about how you and your sister might choose to confront your father or disclose the abuse to others who might be affected. (Depending on the safety of family or individuals you’d potentially share with, limiting the information to a few supportive individuals might be wiser. This is why an experienced, objective counselor is a huge help.)

Call our professional and pastoral counselors for a free consultation at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). They can refer you to qualified counselors and Christian therapists in your area for ongoing help.

In the meantime, we’ll take a closer look at your question about honor.

Honoring doesn’t mean overlooking sin

Yes, God’s command is to “Honor your father and mother.” However, the Bible never says you must be unduly influenced by a person you can’t trust.

Your instinct to protect your sister is healthy. So, too, is righteous anger you feel about the crime committed against her — about the betrayal against your whole family. Your father, as a pastor and supposed Christian, claimed to love and follow the Bible as God’s authoritative Word. Yet he disobeyed it and harmed your sister and family.

So, how might you act in light of God’s call to be angry but not sin?

Honoring helps us see others the way Jesus does

Consider what we read in the Bible about when the Pharisees were upset because Jesus healed a man on the Sabbath. Jesus “looked around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart” (Mark 3:1-6). Jesus’ example, says pastor John Piper, shows that “anger should be so mingled with heart-sorrows for the people sinning.”

Your father’s abuse of your sister didn’t earn him respect or honor. However, writes Carrie Gordon Earll, “It’s our divine membership in the human family that sets each of us apart as sacred. … Some people may not exhibit attributes of God or behave in ways that recognize their own value[,] yet their intrinsic worth remains.”

In addition, consider that you can show your dad positional honor as a parent: “Pay … respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed” (Romans 13:7). Honor means we place high value on our loved ones regardless of their actions:

Every single human being, no matter how much the image of God is marred by sin … still has the status of being in God’s image and therefore must be treated with the dignity and respect that is due to God’s image-bearer. (Systematic Theology, p. 450)

All that said, remember that honoring your dad doesn’t mean overlooking his harmful actions. It doesn’t mean you’re obligated to spend time with him.

Instead, it means acknowledging that Jesus died for his sins, too. It means doing what you realistically can to live at peace with him, even if you don’t have personal affection for him.

And for the sake of your peace, regardless of whether you directly confront your dad, you also need to take the seemingly impossible step to forgive him.

Forgiving doesn’t always mean reconciling

It’s not likely your dad will ever own up to what happened or how his actions harmed your sister and the family. You are not guilty if you choose to keep your distance, even in your dad’s final days. However, the only way you’ll be able to move forward in healing is to forgive him.

Pray for him, let go of your expectations of him as a dad, and place him in God’s hands. Only your heavenly Father fully understands the circumstances that molded your dad’s character. And He will hold him accountable for his crimes (Romans 12:19).

Forgiveness doesn’t eradicate responsibility. It’s not unloving to hold someone accountable. Often, accountability is the most loving thing you can do because it could lead to repentance. (What Forgiveness Is Not)

Ask the Lord to help you trust in His goodness and develop a heart of compassion. Make a day-by-day decision to “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).

Lean on God’s guidance and the wisdom He’s given others. He’ll show you how best to honor your dad while keeping wise boundaries that guard you and your sister from further emotional or spiritual harm.

We’re here to help

We know that navigating all of this can be complicated and sensitive. Again, we welcome the chance to talk with you in more detail. Call our professional and pastoral counselors for a free consultation at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

You can also dig into the recommended resources listed below. We especially recommend reading The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse.