Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
Is it okay to yell at my spouse? In most cases no.
Is yelling at my spouse okay?
Early in our marriage, my husband and I had an argument about something I can’t remember. As was often the case, Tanner’s frustration at me triggered some deep insecurities and I got emotional. In my defensiveness, I countered each of his arguments, and my voice raised a little louder with each one.
By the end of yelling at my husband, I felt satisfied that I had proved him wrong and waited for him to wave the proverbial white flag.
I waited, and continued to wait. At some point during my speech, Tanner had gone quiet. After a few more moments of waiting, he looked up at me and, with a calm and measured tone he said, “You cannot speak to me that way anymore.”
I was stunned. Didn’t he hear my incredible argument? Unfortunately, no. Tanner had not heard my argument because, in short, I was yelling too loud for him to receive the information I was hurling at him.
When I yelled at him it made him feel disrespected, and it derailed any productive discussion we might have otherwise been able to engage in. Up until now, I had truly believed that yelling was simply the natural way most people fought—a morally neutral expression and nothing more.
But as time has passed, I’ve come to agree with Tanner. Yelling from a place of anger rarely leads to anything other than hurt, disrespect, and wounding.
As I’ve invited the Lord to help me overcome this deeply-ingrained conflict style, there are a handful of Bible verses that have helped me change my thinking.
What the Bible says about anger
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. –James 1:19-20
Maybe I’m alone here, but I find it easy to slip into self-righteousness when I feel offended. If I feel like my husband has failed me in some way, I find it easy to give myself full license to treat him poorly.
This same thinking applies to my tone when I speak to him. If I am hurt, I give myself permission to speak, or yell, whatever feels right to me. Yelling a clever comeback feels great in the moment. For a brief second, I will feel really justified and good about myself, self-righteous even.
When I read this passage in James, I was instantly convicted. Self-righteousness is never our goal as Jesus followers, and it’s not what God desires, either. James goes as far as to say that my anger does not, will not, and can not bring about the righteousness that God desires to see in my life.
That is why we should choose listening over clap backs and choose slow thoughtful responses over emotional reactions. That is why, more often than not, we should be skeptical of our anger and, especially, the yelling that often accompanies it.
What the Bible says about loving one another
Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.-Romans 12:10 (ESV)
I’m going to be extremely honest for a minute. Having thought long and hard about why yelling is my go-to strategy in conflict, I think there are two primary motivators:
- First it’s because I feel like I’m not being listened to. Maybe, I seem to think, if I just say it louder, my husband will really hear me.
- The other reason I suspect I gravitate toward yelling is because it’s an effort to assert control over the situation. Something in me seems to think that whoever shows the most dominance of the argument will walk away the winner.
In reflecting on both, the reality is when I am yelling at my spouse I am clearly putting myself first. I am not thinking of his needs and interests. Certainly I am not thinking about how we can approach points of tension as a team. I have made my own feelings and interests central.
Romans 12:10 challenges me to honor my husband, even in the context of our arguments. I know my husband has specifically expressed that when I yell, he feels disrespected. That alone should be enough. But, when I consider how I would treat someone I was specifically trying to honor, yelling at them would simply never make the list.
Romans 12:10 reminds us that our spouses are worthy of our honor, and in fact, even our conflicts should be a countercultural picture of sacrificial love that puts the other ahead of ourselves.
What the bible says about wisdom
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. (Proverbs 29:11)
If you’re really struggling with expressing anger in unhealthy ways, Proverbs 29:11 will stop you in your tracks. It certainly stopped me in mine! Only fools insist on expressing their rage unchecked. Only fools think that their frustration gives them license to behave however they want.
The wise, on the other hand, bring peace to the situation. For me, this passage never fails to convict me, particularly when I feel like winning an argument at any cost.
James 3:5 offers some additional insight as to why saying whatever feels right in our anger is foolish: “The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.”
When I justify hurtful words and disrespectful behavior toward my spouse, I am raising hell. When I let my tongue go unchecked, James says, I am—in a sense—inviting the fire of hell into my relationship.
It sounds serious because it is. The words I say have the power to bring life or death to my relationship. Thankfully, the Lord can bring about supernatural change in our hearts to change us from rage-venting fools into people who bring calm.
Yelling at your spouse is natural, but godly marriages are supernatural
The world we live in often depicts yelling as a normal human response to conflict. And you know what? It is. Yelling is normal and it is common. Yelling is how many people naturally respond to conflict.
But regular, human behavior isn’t what God has called us to. Through the Holy Spirit, God takes our human impulses and sanctifies them. He transforms our natural reactions into something that glorifies Him. When we choose to show our spouse honor and respect we are also choosing to honor God. After all, the presence of God dwells in you and your spouse.
Are there situations in which yelling is permissible as a Christian? Maybe! But it is more likely that you yelling at your spouse in anger does not accomplish the things of God. I also know that it probably doesn’t fit into a paradigm of outdoing one another in showing honor. Chances are, choosing to be a calm presence—even amid conflict—is the wiser choice.
