Estimated reading time: 9 minutes
Every year, my mother-in-law buys a tree and lops off the top to make it fit in her living room. She decorates the tree with handblown heirloom ornaments, as well as a surprising number of her children’s handmade ornaments. A splash of tinsel adds a sparkly finish.
On the first Christmas I visited her home, the holiday music in the kitchen was dueling with a Christmas film on the television, so everyone had to shout above the cacophony. At least 50 gifts had been piled beneath heavy boughs, and it took all morning to celebrate.
The first time my husband saw my mom’s fake tree with its handful of ornaments, he made a reference to Charlie Brown. Rather than a mound of presents, my parents invested in a few quality gifts. We completed the festivities within an hour.
Our minimalist celebration was the opposite of his family’s maximalist experience, and this disparity caused Yuletide tension in our early marriage. We needed to learn how to have a couple’s Christmas.
Now, at Christmastime, I keep Philippians 2:4 in mind as Michael and I plan our family’s celebration: “Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others.” Here are some tips that have helped me navigate our differing expectations and helped us focus first on being a couple at Christmastime. How did we do it? By determining what the best Christmas gift to give our spouse was—and the answer was each other.
The best Christmas gift is prioritizing your marriage
On our first Christmas as a married couple, my husband and I started a tradition of placing a blanket in front of the Christmas tree and spending an evening talking, dreaming, and snuggling in front of the sparkly lights. In the first year, we even spent the night on blankets by the tree.
Six years later was the first year we forgot.
By that point, we had three young children. An already demanding season only seemed to worsen as Christmas approached. I had to find gifts for family members, teachers, and coworkers. There was the busyness of all the Christmas events and get-togethers. Plus, our son’s birthday fell a week before Christmas. All of this added up to a lot of stress, and we slipped into survival mode. It wasn’t until February that we realized we’d skipped our cherished tradition.
5 of the best Christmas gifts to get your spouse this year
While Christmas is meant to be a loving time of fellowship for families, I realized that if I didn’t make Kevin a priority, we could go into the new year feeling frazzled and disconnected as a couple. As Christmas quickly approaches, here are five gifts you can give your spouse this year:
1. The gift of your presence with your spouse
December can be a crazy month full of activities, but my spouse needs me, too. I once heard someone say, “Schedule first what matters most.” Next to God, my husband is my highest priority. Though I may juggle more activities at the end of the year, I can make time for him and be fully present when we spend time together. Even Christmas shopping or wrapping gifts together can be framed as a time for us to connect.
2. The gift of intimacy with your spouse
A romantic evening under the Christmas tree may sound like a cheesy newlywed move, but my husband craves intimacy—and so do I. Being intentional to add some “just us” time into the season sends a powerful message about my love and commitment to him.
Our affection for each other can also have a positive influence on our kids. Not long ago, Kevin and I were planning to go out for an evening of working on our computers at a coffee shop. When I told our young son, Josiah, that we were going out to work, he exclaimed: “No, go on a date!”
3. The gift of showing grace to your spouse
The busyness of the season tends to amp up my critical spirit. I’m not as tolerant of mistakes and am quick to misunderstand. This can lead to tension in relationships, especially with a spouse. But Proverbs says it’s to my glory to overlook an offense (Proverbs 19:11).
I can choose to slow down during this season and give my spouse the benefit of the doubt instead of letting stress take over. When the activity of our lives increases, we must make an effort to work together and not allow our husband or wife to become the enemy.
After the year we missed our time by the Christmas tree, we revived our tradition and have kept it ever since. As I find ways to love my husband intentionally during the holiday season, our Christmases grow sweeter over time.
4. The gift of understanding
Sometimes, being understood is one of the best gifts we can give our spouse, especially when it comes to holiday expectations. Ask these questions to determine which gift is most important to your spouse
- What is a romantic tradition — holiday or other — that my spouse and I have or used to have?
- Which gift does my spouse need most this season? My presence, intimacy, or grace?
- What is one way I can make my spouse a priority over the holidays and heading into the New Year?
5. The gift of making sure a couple’s Christmas happens
One of the best ways to make sure a couple’s Christmas happens is to make a list.
Ask your spouse to make a list of his or her desires for the holiday season. What is most important to him or her? Is it lots of baked goods? Hosting a party? Quiet nights during the season? Minimal or maximum decor?
Next, remember that you are a couple first, and your parents are second. Set aside a few nights during the holiday season dedicated to activities you can do as a couple. For example, watch a holiday movie of your spouse’s choosing or take a late-night drive to look at the neighborhood lights.
Involve him or her in the seasonal planning. Decide on gifts together, wrap presents together, and choose the playlist for a family party together. Choosing togetherness over a divide-and-conquer strategy will help keep expectations realistic.
When our church began an outreach to the homeless during December, my husband suggested we make it a part of our family’s holiday tradition. It quickly became the seasonal event I look forward to the most. I love seeing our family members serve alongside one another, packing meals for the hungry. Our Christmas celebrations wouldn’t be the same without his input, and I’m so grateful his fun-loving, memory-making approach is an integral part of our family traditions. Even though this activity includes the whole family, my husband and I chose it together, so it’s our way of having a couple’s Christmas.
6. The gift of conversation
What would happen if you received all the gifts itemized in the song “12 Days of Christmas”? Apart from the “five gold rings,” you would have “10 lords a-leaping” and “seven swans a-swimming” — and all totaled, 50 people and 23 birds. That’s a lot of holiday stress! Unfortunately, the milk that the “eight maids a-milking” could collect and eggs that could be gathered from “three French hens” and “six geese a-laying” wouldn’t suffice to feed the new personnel. And imagine how your backyard would look (and smell) after caring for all those birds!
Buying the gifts listed in the “12 Days of Christmas” probably won’t help build your relationship with your true love, but investing in 12 honest, heartfelt conversations this holiday season just might be the best gift you could give each other — because what you’re really giving is the priceless gift of being known more deeply. And that’s much better than 12 drummers drumming!
Christmas conversation starters for couples
The following Christmas conversation starters are designed to help you start those meaningful discussions. Try just one Christmas conversation starter a day, and give yourselves at least 10 minutes to share your answers. (Settling down together with a cup of coffee, spiced tea, or hot apple cider would also help create a relaxing vibe.) Try silently predicting your spouse’s answers before he or she shares. You might be surprised by how much you didn’t know about your spouse.
12 Christmas conversation starters for couples
- If pay were irrelevant, would you pursue another career? If so, what would motivate you to change, and what would you hope to gain?
- Name three outrageous things you’ve done. Do you regret any of those choices? Do you want to live more cautiously or take more risks now?
- Imagine you could relive one day of your life. Which day would it be? Why?
- Imagine you could ask anyone alive today one question and you be given an honest answer. What’s the question, and whom would you ask?
- If I threw you a surprise party and invited friends and family members, whom would you most enjoy seeing? Why?
- If you could discover the truth about any single fact regarding history, yourself, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
- What’s the worst nightmare you’ve ever had? How do your dreams affect your mood after you wake?
- In what areas do you judge others harshly? Which behaviors are you more able to overlook or forgive?
- During your adult life, when have you experienced the most personal growth? What could you do to move into another growth period?
- Do you see time as “slipping through your fingers,” or are you content with what you accomplish each day? How does your answer affect how you live?
- What dreams do you have that haven’t been realized? Do you usually daydream about events that will most likely never happen, or do you think about more easily attainable goals? Why?
- Imagine you could turn back the clock and change the way your parents or guardians raised you. What changes would you ask for? Why might you be better off with these changes?
Want more great ideas?
Christmas conversation starters are a great way to get to know your spouse on a deeper level, but the fun doesn’t have to stop when Christmas is over. If you liked these Christmas conversation starters and want to keep the connection with your spouse going all year long, you might also like Conversation Starters for Date Nights. Or for a relationship-building Focus on the Family resource that will enhance your marriage relationship, check out the Little Book of Great Dates.
