When an infant is developing in the womb, all the birth mother’s experiences, feelings, and anything she eats or drinks positively or negatively affect the baby. Many children who end up being adopted have in-utero or childhood trauma. This means their brains literally formed around chaos and stress. Sometimes when these children start to grow, parents begin to notice that these kids are uncomfortable with peace, silence, and stillness. When your brain organizes around chaos, that is what is comfortable, familiar, and feels safe to you. Stillness, silence, or peace feels incredibly unfamiliar and frightening.
For younger children, this can mean that they constantly antagonize their siblings. It can mean they feel impossible to satisfy because even when you give them exactly what they want, they are unhappy. They asked for chicken nuggets yesterday, so you made a special trip to the store to prepare them today, but they howl and shriek today because they want spaghetti.
Ways Teens Seek Drama
In adolescence, this drama-seeking can get scarier. Neurotypical teens without attachment interruptions will try to hide things from their parents that they know their parents will disapprove of. Teens seeking out drama will flaunt these things. Parents often lack a frame of reference for how to respond to teenage drama, so they frequently react in punitive ways, often accompanied by fear.
Some ways teens with a history of childhood trauma might seek drama:
- Claiming gender issues or sexual orientation issues when they don’t actually struggle with this.
- Changing religious views openly and defiantly.
- Rejecting everything you value and openly embracing things you disapprove of.
- If they self-harm, they do it in locations where you can easily see their scars.
- They draw all over themselves with Sharpies or get tattoos.
- They are constantly changing relationships, both platonic and especially romantic.
- They have a strong sense of urgency for all the requests they make of you.
- They become easily bored with everyday life and will often do something to get in trouble just to keep things interesting.
- They triangulate so they can keep the family agitated with each other.
Teenage Drama Mimics Intimacy in Some Ways
Think about it. When we have an intense experience with someone, even a stranger, we feel quickly connected to them. If you got stuck in an elevator with a stranger, I guarantee that years later, you would still remember that person’s name.
Intense experiences also release endorphins that make the person feel soothed and happy for a short period of time. Survivors of childhood trauma often describe their emotional world as “numb.” Imagine how appealing it would be to “stir the pot” and feel all those endorphins, even if they were short-lived.
Remember, what your kids want is to be relevant, to be seen and loved. What they show you is contentious, upsetting, confusing, and chaotic. We must be able to sift the needs through the chaos and respond to them without getting drawn into the drama.
Many parents would rather engage in drama with their child than feel disconnected from their child. They don’t know how to get out of the drama cycle.
Teenage Drama Mimics Intimacy in Some Ways
Think about it. When we have an intense experience with someone, even a stranger, we feel quickly connected to them. If you got stuck in an elevator with a stranger, I guarantee that years later, you would still remember that person’s name.
Intense experiences also release endorphins that make the person feel soothed and happy for a short period of time. Survivors of childhood trauma often describe their emotional world as “numb.” Imagine how appealing it would be to “stir the pot” and feel all those endorphins, even if they were short-lived.
Remember, what your kids want is to be relevant, to be seen and loved. What they show you is contentious, upsetting, confusing, and chaotic. We must be able to sift the needs through the chaos and respond to them without getting drawn into the drama.
Many parents would rather engage in drama with their child than feel disconnected from their child. They don’t know how to get out of the drama cycle.
Teenage Drama is the Smoke Screen
When your teenagers invite you into their drama, remember that drama is always the smoke screen covering the real issue. Don’t even pay attention to the drama. Instead, dig deeper and try to help your child do the same. Let’s use these examples of how we might respond to an invitation into the drama in an authentic and kind way.
Claiming gender issues or sexual orientation issues when they don’t actually struggle with this.
“Figuring out who you are is not a simple thing to do. In adoption, it’s even more complicated. It’s like you are making a puzzle without the box and without many of the pieces. That must be hard.”
Changing religious views openly and defiantly.
“ Well, honey, I believe that you have freedom to choose the path of your own spiritual walk. Are there some things in common with your religious beliefs and mine? What do you think the major differences are?”
Rejecting everything you value and openly embracing things you disapprove of.
“ It sort of feels like you want me to feel upset about these choices of yours, or maybe you are letting us know you feel very different from us.”
If they self-harm, they do it in locations where you can easily see their scars.
“Can I take care of those cuts for you? Do you want to talk to me or someone else?”
They draw all over themselves with Sharpies or get tattoos.
“What is it that your tattoos or drawings communicate to people around you? What message are you trying to send?”
They are constantly changing relationships, both platonic and especially romantic.
“There really is something super exciting about new relationships. It is a thrill that you can’t really reproduce unless you have another new relationship. I promise there is also something super special about relationships that last for years. Those are the safest people to do life with.”
They have a strong sense of urgency for all the requests they make of you.
“I need some time to think about this. I don’t make good decisions when I feel under pressure. I love you so much, and I will get back to you on this tomorrow.”
They become easily bored with everyday life and will often do something to get in trouble just to keep things interesting.
“I have noticed when you are bored, you do something to add some excitement to the home. I am just wondering if we can try to have fun without creating a problem. Let’s make a TikTok together. You can show all your friends how awkward your mom is.”
They triangulate so they can keep the family agitated with each other.
“You are trying to make us upset at each other. For us, that is not a fun way to live.”
It’s Your Responsibility to Stay Out of the Teenage Drama
As parents, we have to stay out of the drama. We can’t help our children or offer wise counsel if we are super activated by the drama. Maybe your children want a big, negative reaction, but that is the last thing they need. What they need is for you to help them understand their needs, speak to them, and love them through their poor decisions. The teenage drama often feels deeply personal, but it’s our job not to take it personally. It really isn’t about us—it is about kids with histories of childhood trauma trying to activate their emotional world so they can feel something.
It is about these kids trying to create intimacy with the only skills they have. It’s about the wounds they were born with or childhood trauma they have lived with that they carry with them while they are trying to determine who they are.
