Focus on the Family with Jim Daly

John Fuller: Today, on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, we have some family-friendly comedy from husband and father, Jeremy Nunes.

Jeremy Nunes: My wife makes me nervous because anytime she’s gonna try to get the girl to take a nap, my wife says she’s gonna put her down. Like, last time I heard that my dog didn’t come home.

John: Well, clean comedy is definitely a great way to start a new year. And this presentation from Jeremy was one of our most popular shows of 2024. Jeremy has been working in comedy for over 20 years, and for our audio-only audience, let me point out that he is a very tall man, standing 6’6”.

Jim Daly: And we appreciate that you may not be able to do so, but if you want to check the visuals out, stop by our YouTube channel for this entire presentation. Here now, Jeremy Nunes on today’s episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.

Jeremy: Wow, how cool would it be if I walked into my house and that happened? It’d be awesome. So good. I appreciate you guys coming out, man. What a great time this is gonna be. I’m so excited. Man, and, and everybody here just made everything so easy for me. I am so grateful. Uh, a lot of times we do these shows and it is not easy. I was actually just driving to a show a couple weeks ago and uh, ended up getting lost. I had to stop and ask for directions, and I end up at one of these tiny little gas stations where it’s just the one guy in the booth with his microphone, right? And you can’t hear anything he says unless he talks right into that thing. I tell him where I need to go, he goes, “Oh yeah, all you gotta do is go to that stop sign there, take a left, and then you just go up…There’s been a string of carjackings. That gas station got robbed down… It’s right next to the prison. Hope that helped.”

I was like, “Yeah, thanks a lot.” When I get back in car, my friend goes, “What did he say?” I go, “Well, we’re gonna go to the stop sign over there and take a left. After that, we probably die.”

But this is, uh, a cool job to have. I get to travel around. I work with a lot of comedians you see on film and TV, and some of you might actually recognize me from the movies. I’m that guy that always sits in front of you at the theater. But, one of the things I don’t understand about being tall is like everyone asks me if I used to play basketball, right? And I don’t get it. There’s nobody walks up to a short guy and goes, “Hey, are you a jockey?” Or nobody walks up to an overweight guy, “Hey, is there a buffet around here?” And it’s the same conversation every time. People come up to me, they’re shocked at my size. They’ll walk up, and go, “Whoa, you are tall. How tall are you?” “6’6”?” “No, you’re way taller than that.”

Nobody does that with the overweight guy. Nobody walks up to him, “Whoa, you are big. What is your waist size? 68? No, you’re way bigger than that.” Any store I walk into, someone will stop me and ask me to get something off the top shelf. That doesn’t work both ways. I can’t grab some short guy walking down the aisle. “Hey, I dropped my keys. Why don’t you pick those up?” Weird stuff happens to me all the time. I do, uh, a lot of fundraiser shows, and I did one fundraiser, there was a lady at the show the same height as me. I was like, “This is crazy.” And I wanted to say something to her, but I didn’t know how to approach the situation with her being the same height, you know? I just tapped her on the shoulder. I go, “Hey, do you play basketball?”

And I’ve been, been seeing my family a lot more lately. I actually, uh, used to live in Chicago and moved back to my hometown in central Illinois. And, uh, it did not take long for weird things to start happening. Okay? I was riding along Christmas Eve. Dad’s driving, got my little 5-year-old boy in the back seat, okay? As we ride along on Christmas Eve, outta nowhere a deer hops out. Bam, Dad nails it. First thing my little boy says, “Rudolph.” Dad goes, “Don’t worry buddy. We didn’t kill him. I’m pretty sure he died when he fell outta the sky.”

And I’m around for holidays, which it’s nice. I don’t know if ours worked like yours, but a lot of the, a lot of ladies make their own dish and they bring to share. And my grandma’s 87 years old, still helps out, makes her specialty, which is homemade baked beans. And after all these years, she finally revealed the secret ingredient in the baked beans, cigarette ash. You never saw food shoot out of people’s mouths so fast. I have to admit, though, it does give it a nice smoky flavor. But, so I’m back in the small town where I grew up and, uh, I’ve learned that in the small town, we have our own official sport, fishing. Yeah, we got some fishers in the audience tonight? Fishers? Nobody? No, not at all. Okay. I see. Sir, right here my friend. When you catch your fish, you take it home, cook it or you let it go back?

Man #1: Take it.

Jeremy: You take it home, cook it? Really, I usually let it go back. I catch and release. I get it, send it back on its way. Yeah, I also do that when I hunt. I’ll shoot a deer like, “Go on. Go to your friends.” Shoot and release, they call that actually. But anyway, a, a funny thing happened when I moved back to my hometown. I got elected Mayor of my town, and, and the thing is I ran for office as a joke. Like I got my name on the ballot as comedian Jeremy Nunes, and my campaign slogan was, “Put a Real Joker in Office,” because I was like, who would vote for that person? 80% of the town.

So, I guess I did an all right job. I actually won an award for being one of Illinois’ most ethical mayors. Oh, thanks guys. It was largely because I issued a fine to my parents. I remember my dad calling me when he found out. He was like, “Jeremy, why did I get this fine in the mail?” I was like, “Well, your grass is way too high. You have to mow your grass.” He goes, “Jeremy, you mow our grass.” I go, “Well, you should have called me sooner.” And it was a weird job. I had to like review people’s resumes that wanted to work for the town. One guy, his email address listed on his resume was bankrobber247@aol. I was like, how creepy is that? Obviously, I cannot hire someone who still uses AOL.

And another guy, I was interviewing him to be our city manager and I asked him, “Could you tell me the difference between a regulation and a statute?” And he goes, “Sure. A regulation is a rule or a code you have to follow. A statute is a sculpture like the Statute of Liberty.” I hired that guy. And when you’re on a city council, sometimes you got a topic you think’s gonna go right through. It takes all night. Other times, you think it’s gonna take all night, goes right through. So, I asked my council to approve the purchase of six new picnic tables for the park. No problem. Goes right through. And then I just kind of toss out there, “Anybody care what color we get?”

Two hours. You know what color we decided on? Wood. Man. And there’s always one bonehead on the city council. Uh, we had one guy on the council won $100 on a lotto scratch-off ticket, quit his job. I put him in charge of the budget. So, I’m back in the small town, and the best part about being back in the small town, I was able to start dating women from the small town. You know, I’m married now, happy I am. Being single, it was so tough. I remember I took this girl out on a date, our very first date together. She told me if I ever wanted to go out with her again, I had to spend at least $200 on her that night. I go, “$200? I didn’t plan on spending that much on an engagement ring.”

She ended up breaking up with me. I still don’t quite understand. She was mad because I wouldn’t break the law for her. She’s 4-foot-8 so I made her ride in a car seat. But, anyways, like I said, I’m married now. Happy I am. It’s, uh, man, it’s a very special day today actually for me ’cause seven years ago today I proposed to my wife. I told her I’d make her the happiest woman in the world. And she said, “Yes.” Thanks guys. I lied to her. But, we got married and, of course, we had to combine all of our stuff. So, what was hers is now ours. What was mine is now for sale at Goodwill.

So, my wife and I have been doing, doing different stuff, trying to have some fun. Uh, we just went to an auction for the first time. Got any auction folks here tonight? That’s…oh yeah. All right. All right. So, we go to this auction. I’ve never been to one. So, I get right down, right in front, right in the middle of the action, and they’re auctioning off like a, a shed I think it was. And uh, so as they’re taking bids, I happen to see my buddy across the way. And I was like, “Hey.” Yeah. So then, yeah, and then the auctioneer points at me. I was like, “Oh, you gonna point at me? Point at you. How about that.” Then I realized, “Oh, he thinks I’m bidding on this.” Right? So now I’m trying to politely interrupt without actually, uh, without actually interrupting anything. Yeah.

So, um, I’m kind of watching him take bids over here and he’d look back at me and I was like, “Oh, uh,” and then I try a new strategy ’cause that’s not working. And if you’re real auction goer, you know this isn’t helping either. I’m going, uh, … “That means half.” Yeah. So if he’s asking a thousand, I’m saying that’s 500. I’ll give you 500. So I’m still bidding, even though I’m like, “I’m cutting this off.” So, uh, long story short, uh, now we own the shed.

John: What a great storyteller. That’s Jeremy Nunes on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. And we wanna encourage you with an outstanding collection, uh, all of our Best of 2024 shows in a free set of audio downloads. Now, you’re gonna receive this message Jeremy Nunes gave plus 17 other programs. We’ve got it all bundled together for you. It’s free. Request the Best of 2024 collection at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Let’s return now to Jeremy Nunes.

Jeremy: We have fun. My wife and I play a game a lot of you have probably heard of. It’s called, um, pick what restaurant we’re going to eat at. She says, “This is your night. I want you to pick.” I’m like, “All right, let’s go get some seafood.” “No.” “Uh, steak?” “No.” “Mexican?” “No.” Then, as the guy, we say the same thing every time at this point, right? “Well, it sounds to me like you have a place in mind. If you do, that’s fine. Just say where you want to go. We’ll go there. No big deal.” Then she says the same thing back every time. “Oh, I don’t have a place in mind. I want you to pick.” I’m like, “All right, I’ll keep guessing. Chinese?” “No.” “Pizza?” “Well, if that’s where you want to go.” I’m like, “Yeah, thank you for letting me pick.”

And then she drug me to one of these escape rooms. You guys familiar with these things? So, okay, all right. So, if you don’t know, they take you and a group of friends, they lock you in a room and you have to solve a series of clues to get out. Okay? So, basically show up. Give a guy your credit card, let him lock you in a room. And we get in there and the first clue is this voice over the sound system. And it goes, “I have hands but cannot hold.” And everybody’s like, “What is it? What could it be?” And I’m like, “Why am I here?” Right? Because everyone knows hands that cannot hold, any riddle is-

Audience: A clock.

Jeremy: A clock. Everyone knows this. Not the people I’m locked in a room with. You know, my wife’s friend says, “I bet it’s a cat.” I go, “What?” “Yep, yep. I wonder if there’s a cat in here.” I tapped her on the head. I go, “I wonder if there’s a brain in there.” I go, “Guys, it’s a clock. Everyone knows hands that cannot hold is the clock. Check the clock.” They check it. Guess what? I was right. So, we work our way through the clues. We get to the final clue and it’s this huge, long elaborate math problem. And it says, “Enter the answer on the phone keypad and it’s done.” And everybody’s like, “It’s too complex. We’ll never figure it out.” I’m like, guys, “It said enter the answer and it’s done. The answer is done on the keypad. D-O-N-E.” And they go, “Oh is it? He’s a smart guy.” Guess what? Didn’t work.

So, eventually we run out of time. They have to come let us out. And on the way out, just for kicks, I enter D-O-N-E on the keypad and it worked. And the lady that hit the buttons originally, she’s like, “Oh, I am so sorry. I do kind of feel like when I hit the buttons I might hit a couple at the same time.” I was like, “Thanks a lot, Deb. We’d already be outta here if it wasn’t for you and your sausage fingers.” They sell this thing as like a bonding experience. All I know is I have way less friends now.

Oh, we have to work together, you know that? We have to work together. My wife helps me get dressed. Yeah, anytime we’re getting ready to go somewhere, she’ll go, “You’re not wearing that, are you?” I’m like, “What? I always wear sweatpants to weddings.” And one time she asked for my opinion when she got dressed, and if you notice, I said “one time.” She walks out of our bedroom and goes, “Does this outfit look weird?” And I go, “Whoa.” She’s like, “Why would you say that?” I go, “You asked me. It looks weird, like you’re wearing an orange pantsuit, like you look like an escaped convict who’s about to give an important speech.”

Sometimes, we don’t even leave the house. We just sit around and watch TV. One of our shows, uh, is This is Us. Do you guys watch This Is Us?

Woman #1: Woo!

Jeremy: Wow. Oh yeah, yeah. Okay. So, my wife says she wishes I would be more like Jack from This Is Us. So, my wife wants me dead. Still figuring out the marriage thing. Been married, uh, what’d I say? Six years I think it is. Yeah. Sir, you married down here? How long sir?

Man #2: A long time.

Jeremy: A long time. A long time. You know what that means? That’s short for, “I really don’t know. Please don’t talk to me.”

So, I’m still learning, sir. So, my question to you, would you say, um, it’s normal, uh, that you’re gonna have to work together to solve problems, correct? Sure. Okay. So, I was just telling my dad our water heater went out. So, I had to boil pots of water to dump in the tub, right, so my wife could take a bath. He didn’t quite understand. He’s like, “Whoa, who. Let me get this straight. She just lays in the tub while you pour boiling water on her?” I go, “Yep, that’s what we do.”

Now, would you also say, is it normal to once in a while have a small verbal disagreement? You see, I’m not trying to get you in trouble. He looks very uncomfortable. Okay, so my wife came home from the grocery store and she goes, “I hope you’re not gonna be mad at me, but I bought the wrong kind of tortilla chips.” I was like, “How? I said, you could buy any brand of tortilla chips.” She goes, “Well I bought unsalted.” I go, “Get out.” Then that led to a dark discussion over which of us would be in worse shape if the other one died. She goes, “Jeremy, you would be lost if something happened to me.” I go, “You’re right. I would be lost ’cause I have no idea where you’ve put any of my stuff.” She goes, “Yes you do. It’s at Goodwill.”

So, anyway, we try to travel when we can. You know, we got the two little ones now so it’s a little tougher, but uh, we got, I think I mentioned I got a 5-year-old boy, 1-year-old girl. And uh, my wife makes me nervous because anytime she’s gonna try to get the girl to take a nap, my wife says she’s gonna put her down. I’m like, last time I heard that my dog didn’t come home. My little girl, I just had her up against me, kind of hugging her and, uh, I felt her put her arms around me and hug me back. It was very special, the first time I’ve ever felt that, you know. And right then she pulled out my shirt, puked down my chest. Anybody else have little ones out here? Little ones? Do you guys, you guys have little … how old are yours?

Man #3: 21 and 17.

Jeremy: 21 and 17? Well, that’s not little. What are you talking? Oh, you’ve been there. “Got any little ones?” “Yeah. 21.” Do what?

Woman #2: Wait till they get to 21.

Jeremy: Wait till they get to 21? Is it way worse? So, in other moments, my son is super energetic. You know, we’re just playing out in the yard, had one of those like rubber dodge ball things. We’re bouncing it, rolling it back and forth and outta nowhere, he just decides he’s gonna run straight for the road. So, I start chasing after him, and I realize he’s gonna get his road before I can get to him. There’s a car coming. So I took the ball, nailed him with it. And now I can say I hit my kid with a dodge ball for his safety.

You think back when your kids were, were little, right? Did you have to go to the doctor all the time with ’em?

Woman #3: Sometimes.

Jeremy: Sometimes? Yeah. Oh, we are at the doctor’s office all the time. We’re just in there. We thought my son had a concussion ’cause some guy hit him in the head with a dodge ball. And so, and he’s always got something to say. He was running around the house wreaking havoc, and he’s just laughing and laughing, and as he’s doing it, we’re trying to get him to stop. He won’t stop. And eventually I catch him and I put my hand on him and I look right in the eyes and I go, “Son, nobody’s laughing.” And he goes, “Yep, just like your show.”

I didn’t even say anything. I was like, “That was pretty good.” He’s always got something to say. He wanted to be done with his food. And I said, “Nope, you did not eat all your vegetables. You’re not done.” And my wife goes, “Yeah, don’t you wanna be big and tall like daddy?” And he goes, “Well I wanna be tall, but dad is freak tall. I ate just the right amount.”

Anytime I’m in front of an audience, I always try to take a moment to find a way to educate, motivate, inspire. So, I tell you all of that to tell you this, the power of prayer is amazing. So, when we got married, I remember standing on the stage of the church watching my bride walk down the aisle and I started crying ’cause I could not believe someone would love me so much that they would forgive me for all of my past and just accept me for who I am. And that’s exactly how Jesus feels about each and every one of us. Amen?

Audience: Amen.

So, my wife just told me this, that when she was single, she was so tired of having her heart broken, that she would pray and pray and pray that she would never have another first date again until it was her final first date. And one by one, every date she had scheduled fell through until the day I was there. And I was like, “Wow, that is amazing.” You know, I just found this out. And I go, “So does that mean on that first date when you saw me in that doorway, did you think there stands my future husband?” And she said, “No. I thought, does he play basketball?”

John: And with that, we’ve come to the end of a Best of 2024 presentation from the 6’6” Jeremy Nunes on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.

Jim: Well, John that is tall. He’s definitely built for basketball, and that was really some refreshing humor I thought. And you know, the Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes says, “There’s a time to cry, a time to laugh.” And so I’d encourage you to get the CD of this presentation to pass along to a friend who needs it. It’s okay to laugh once in a while, and we would love to provide you with the entire Best of 2024 collection. It’s full of great stuff. Uh, visit us online for complimentary access to 18 programs, including insights on Heaven from John Burke. Great advice for single moms, tips on getting to know others better, uh, through conversation from Heather Holleman, all top shows.

John: Yeah, it’s quite a collection and uh, we’ve made it very easy for you to download. Just stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Again, focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Well, next time, you’ll hear from podcasters Chris and Jenni Graebe. They’ll explain the benefits of setting an intentional rhythm in your home. On behalf of the entire team, thanks for listening today to Focus on the Family with Jim Daily. I’m John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.