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Helping Teen Girls Love Their Families Well (Part 1 of 2)

Helping Teen Girls Love Their Families Well (Part 1 of 2)

In light of the challenges of parenting – and being – a teen girl, author Jessie Minassian offers encouragement and practical advice about topics like managing conflict, balancing boundaries and freedom, dealing with siblings, and more. (Part 1 of 2)

Original Air Date: March 6, 2018

Opening:

Excerpt:

Dad: Nothing like a quiet moment to myself.

Mom: Oh, that is all there is to it, Jeanette – case closed!

Dad: Hey – hey… !

Teen: Well, you haven’t heard a thing I said. You’re not being fair, Mom!

Mom: I’m not being fair?

Teen: That’s what I said!

Mom: Listen, if you’re going to scream at me, I am not going to listen to you.

Dad: Calm down. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Now, hold it. Hold it. Now, time-out, you two. Listen. Why can’t you just work this out like reasonable adults without all this yelling?

Teen: Dad!

Mom: Do you mind, Harold? Listen, Jeanette, my answer is final, and that is that!

Teen: Ugh, Mother! (door slam)

End of Excerpt

John Fuller: Oh, man. I have been there. (LAUGHTER)

Jim Daly: Yeah, I…

John: Don’t – don’t insert yourself into that one. Boy, uh, family relationships can be so messy, and there are no perfect families. Um, I’ve had teens. We’ve had moments like that where the emotions are just bubbling up and overflowing.

Jim: Are you sure? Really?

John: Oh, yeah. (LAUGHTER) And if you can relate to that, uh, rather uncomfortable scene, stay tuned. We’ve got some help for you if you’ve got a teen or preteen or several in the home. This is Focus on the Family. Your host is Focus president and author Jim Daly. And I’m John Fuller.

Jim: Hey, John, we hear from so many parents who know that struggle so well like you said. And – and we know it too, even though I’ve got two teen boys…

John: Yeah. They still erupt every now and then, right?

Jim: …We still have a little, uh, you know, argument here and there. Uh, but let’s face it – during those teen years, our kids are changing right before our eyes. And they get bigger, (laughter) and it’s harder to control them. And their needs and wants change as well.

They’re trying to figure out who they are as they’re growing, and they want us to kind of back off from that control that we as parents so naturally fall into.

John: Mm-hm.

Jim: Not you though, right, John? You’ve never been a control parent.

John: In spades, as they might say.

Jim: (Laughter) Um, yeah, that process, it can be hard for us. I’m seeing Jean and I struggle with that right now. And we have those little cues for each other, like time to back off. (Laughter) And, uh – just by saying it, right? But it’s so hard for teens. Think about it. So much is changing for them too – their bodies, their hormones, both, uh, teen girls and teen boys.

So today, we want to help you as a parent and as a teen better navigate these conflicts and give you some of those good tools to, uh, disagree better within the context of your loving home.

John: Yeah. We should mention that this is a program, uh, primarily for healthier families. Not perfect, as I said, but we’re talking with moms and dads who, um, aren’t dealing with, uh, addiction issues or…

Jim: Depression.

John: …Depression, serious dysfunction. We have other broadcasts and resources for you. This program is kind of a tune-up for families that just want to get a little bit better.

Jim: Kind of Family 101. That’s the way I would say it. And, uh, I want to say, if you are dealing with other, tougher issues, call us. We have counselors here that, uh, are able to assist you.

Body:

Jim: Our guest today is a former guest, uh, many times actually, on the program – Jessie Minassian. Jessie’s an author, speaker, blogger, and she has a passion, uh, for mentoring young women. She’s written a great book calledFamily: How To Love Yours (And Help Them Like You Back). (Laughter) I love the title, Jessie.

Jessie Minassian: Thank you.

Jim: Welcome back.

Jessie: Aw, it’s so good to be back with you guys.

Jim: You know, even in that title, that is such a mom title. (LAUGHTER) You know? If I can love them enough to where they’ll like me. I mean, that just screams mom. (LAUGHTER) To me. I mean, dads, I think, are more like, you know what? I’ll love you like I can. If you love me back, great. If not, whatever. Is that not true?

Jessie: (Laughter) That – that could very well be true. The title – I mean, I was thinking from a teen girl’s perspective. I mean, we want to try to love our family well. But the truth is, when we do that, then our – it’ll make it easier for our family to love us too. Because, you know, we can be a little bit hard to deal with sometimes as teens.

Jim: Well, I like that, um, for a mom, just to say love and be liked. I mean, it kind of takes some of that tension out. You have a wonderful website too – lifeloveandgod.com. That’s a good title.

Jessie: Thank you. Yes. Uh, we’ve had it for a dozen years now. It’s a place where teen girls can come and get answers to questions about anything under the sun.

Jim: That’s good. Lifeloveandgod.com. Remember that. Hey, uh, let’s get started into the book. Why this topic for teens? I know you love mentoring young people. You and your husband, uh, are involved with Hume Lake, which is a retreat center for, uh, teenagers mostly, I think, and college kids. So you’re seeing a lot of them, is the point. So what are some of those common themes that you see in teen girls and teen boys when it comes to this topic of, how do I break away from my parents?

Jessie: Yeah. Well, it’s interesting. I would say that – I would imagine that freedom would be the number one topic that we would get. But the truth is,more often, we’re seeing these teens who – surprise – have brokenness in their families, and they don’t want to repeat that for the next generation. And so they’re wondering, how do I get along with my family, first of all? But then, also, how do I keep this from entering into my future family?

Um, and so that was sort of the impetus for writing Family . And, um, you know, I come from a typical American family, broken in all sorts of way – yours, mine and ours. That’s, um – and so it was a difficult choice to write this book at first, but then thought, well, if God can use the brokenness I experienced in my family to help encourage these teens – because the truth is the majority of kids are growing up with some sort of brokenness or dysfunction in their teens, right?

Jim: Well, and the truth is it’s always been that way.

Jessie: Sure.

Jim: I mean, I – I just don’t think there’s been a perfect family.

Jessie: Right.

Jim: Maybe since Adam and Eve before the fall, and they hadn’t – they didn’t have children quite yet. (Laughter) So you know, I think that would have taken them down (laughter) anyway. But the point of it is – and I love that part of your story, that brokenness. I mean, God thrives in that. And I am so grateful for the witness that you are that you didn’t become bitter. Uh, but you embrace, you know, what, you know, circumstances you’re in, and then you change from there. And you embrace God, and God uses that. But for the listeners that don’t know that, let’s go back just quickly and mention what that brokenness was like for you as a little girl.

Jessie: Sure. Well, for me, my mom had me out of wedlock. She had me, um, when she had moved away from her family in the Midwest and come out to California to start a life of her own and then found that she was pregnant. And she ended up choosing to keep me, which is a beautiful story in and of itself. Um, so it was just she and I for quite some time, single mom and this young girl.

Um, and then she married my stepdad, who was a very new, baby Christian, as was my mom. And there was a lot of baggage there that – that the Holy Spirit hadn’t had time to work through yet. And so, um, my stepbrothers and my younger half-sister and I, uh, grew up in a home that was filled with a lot of anger, um, misunderstanding, a lot of tension between my parents.

Um, there were nights when, sadly, I would pray that they would get divorced just so that there would be a little bit of peace. Um, I’m so thankful that they did stick it out, um, now, looking in retrospect. Um, but there was a lot of confusion and hurt. And compounded on top of all of that was my belief that the entire universe revolved around me. And so all of this dysfunction was obviously affecting me, and poor me…

Jim: Now, is that your teenage years? You were a teenager then?

Jessie: Yes. (Laughter) Teenager.

Jim: That’s kind of normal for a teenager.

Jessie: It’s surprisingly very normal, right? I think we can all relate to that in some way, especially if we have teens. (Laughter)

Jim: (Laughter) That’s for sure. In fact, at 14, you thought about running away because it was overwhelming.

Jessie: I did.

Jim: What were those emotions like?

Jessie: Oh, yeah. Well, I think, first of all, freshman year for any teenage girl is just wonky. It’s just hard. You’re trying to figure out who you are, where you belong, and then add to that family drama.

And in my mind, in the universe where everything and everyone revolved around me, my dad was at the center of most of the conflict, my stepdad. Um, it seemed like he was unreasonable, that I couldn’t do anything right, that he was always angry. And I was just done. And so I decided I was going to run away, at least I thought I would. And so I started stuffing my backpack with various sundry items, like the $10 I had, because that was going to help.

Jim: (Laughter) That’ll go a long way.

Jessie: Right? And, um, my getaway vehicle was a pair of rollerblades that my older brother had given me. (Laughter) And so as I’m thinking about this, I’m thinking, OK, I’m going to, like, go out my window. I’m going to carry my rollerblades down the street. And then I realize that because my brother had been into trick rollerblading, there weren’t any brakes on these rollerblades.

Jim: You don’t need brakes when you trick roller.

Jessie: You don’t. You’re not supposed to happen to have them. They get in the way. So I (laughter) – I was a very new rollerblader, not great. And I looked out my window – and I lived in the mountains – and it was steep downhill, both to right and left. And I just had this vision of myself careening down my street and crashing in a tumbled mess at the bottom. And that was the end of my runaway plan. Jim: (LAUGHTER)

Jessie: It was – that was it.

Jim: It was just a thought.

Jessie: I was not brave enough to – to take it. But I think it was, though, the start of – not perfectly – but deciding if I’m going to stay, I might as well stay well and make the most of what I can in this family. And it was the beginning of a long process of sort of getting outside of myself and seeing my family around me.

Jim: Well, now, it sounds like you found that pretty much on your own. How does a parent – speaking to parents right now, I mean, we’re all leaning in, going, yeah, I’ve got a teenager, help me – how does a parent help broaden that perspective?

Jessie: Gosh, Jim.

Jim: I mean, it was your rollerblade hill experience. (Laughter) But what does a parent do?

Jessie: It was that, but it was also the work of the Holy Spirit. As I leaned in to God and started to see who He was, it changed who I saw myself as and started to look at others the way that God wants us to. And I’ve been mulling on that very question recently because I have children too. And I would love for them to be able to see outside of their own little universe. (Laughter)

Jim: Now, how old are they?

Jessie: They are preteens. I have an 8 and a 10-year-old, a 10-year-old going on 20. And… (LAUGHTER) …And so I’m right there in the thick of this. And – and the thing I’ve come to is I don’t know that it’s possible for us as parents to change that perspective.

Jim: You know, that’s a really interesting point, because we want to learn – I mean, people are listening right now, I think, because we want to be better parents, et cetera. Sometimes it’s not for you to do.

Jessie: Absolutely.

Jim: And that’s a hard lesson too.

Jessie: Oh, gosh, yes. (Laughter) I’ve joked that I wrote this book, Family, for my kids so they would appreciate me more. (Laughter) But they – it really is a work of the Holy Spirit. It’s for them. And it’s for us. And for us, we’ve had hopefully more years at this than they have. And as parents, it sort of cracks open our selfishness and allows us to see that there are others that we have to care for. But they haven’t had that experience yet.

Jim: I would say one thing, uh, as we’ve talked to so many great experts here at the ministry, is to broaden their experience by volunteering and doing some things outside of the home. I think that makes for a more generous heart as a teenager, that they can see poor people or, you know, take them to a soup kitchen and help them in that way. I think those experiences can help.

Jessie: Absolutely. That was…

Jim: (Laughter) But it’s not foolproof.

Jessie: …The point I was going to make, is if – if we can’t do the changing, do everything you can as a parent to put them in situations where God can do his thing.

Jim: Put them in an environment where they can see it, at least.

Jessie: Yes.

Jim: And, uh – and I think that’s one of the best things you can do. Family secret was another aspect of the book that caught my attention. Uh, describe what your family’s secret – we’re all thinking, OK, what is the family secret?

Jessie: The family secret – it’s going to be (laughter) very scandalous. (Laughter)

Jim: Right. What was it?

Jessie: Uh, the secret I discovered was much less glamorous but much more life-changing. As I was looking through, you know, a verse that we all know and love, Romans 8:28, that God…

Jim: Love it.

Jessie: …Works all things together for the good of those who love him. Um, the very next verse starts out with the word ‘for’, which we know to be a causal conjunction. That means that we better pay attention to what came before, because this is the reason behind it.

Jim: Hold it. John, did you know for was a causal conjunction?

John: Um, I wasn’t going to mention that I knew that.

Jim: I may have been asleep in sixth grade, I know. (LAUGHTER) Anyway, back to the verse of our conjunction.

Jessie: So – right. So the causal conjunction…

Jim: You lost me. (Laughter)

Jessie: …For, the whole reason that God can work everything together for good is because God knew his people in advance, so there’s that foreknowledge – and I would add, and he knew the family he was going to stick you in…

Jim: Huh.

Jessie: And he chose them, he chose us, to become like his son. The whole point of God working everything together for good is that we would become more like Jesus Christ. And the secret I found is that God stuck us in our broken, cracked families on purpose, because what better training grounds to practice Christ-like selflessness and patience and unconditional love, and all those things that are really easy to do when you have, like, casual relationships with people? But you stick people under one roof where you’re not at your best (Laughter) and people rub you the wrong way, and it’s really hard to grow in Christ’s likeness. I – I truly believe for the brief window that I was not living with my first family or starting my second family, I was really holy. I was really holy. I…

Jim: (Laughter) When you were living alone. (Laughter)

Jessie: Right. Exactly. (Laughter) When I didn’t have a family to live with, I didn’t have an anger issue. I was pretty much sinless. It was great.

Jim: You didn’t have dirty dishes either, probably. (Laughter)

Jessie: And – and the house was always clean, right? Uh, but now, yeah. I’m just coming to realize the secret reason that God has us in families is to become more like Christ.

Jim: But it is that selflessness, you know, the whole thing – marriage and even parenting and existing in this world is about becoming more like Christ, becoming more selfless. And it really rubs the – the flesh the wrong direction. That’s not who we want to be.

Hey, uh, another thing – and this is so common – is the attitude issue in teens. And you’re working with a lot of teen girls, but let me tell you – there’s attitude in teen boys too. Let me – you know. (LAUGHTER) So the – the question there – a lot of parents that I talk to, one, they’ll be shocked that others are experiencing this. (Laughter) You know, if you look at the Smiths, oh, their teenage son – their teen daughter – he’s so well-behaved. He’s so good.

Jessie: (Laughter) So respectful.

Jim: How come – how come our kids aren’t like those kids? You – you know the discussion that goes on.

Jessie: Mmm-hmm…

Jim: So address that issue of attitude. It exists. What is a teenager going through and what is a parent going through? Speak to both camps.

Jessie: OK. Well, for teens, I – I was just speaking recently at a residential center for teens who have had so much trouble at home or, you know, in life that they’re – that they need a time-out, basically, away from their family. And afterwards, a girl came up to me and said, you know, Jessie, did you ever, like, with your mom, really want to be nice, but just feel like this selfish, grumpy diva took over your body and, like, the things coming out of your mouth just weren’t what you wanted?

Jim: Wow, that is good.

Jessie: Like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yes! (Laughter) There’s something about the teenage years, this crazy cocktail of hormones and craving independence and becoming your own person but still wanting to be a part of a family, that make for some really volatile emotions.

And there’s no one easy step to fix that. I think even girls who love God, even guys who love God, sometimes have a really hard time being respectful at home. And truly, I mean, the eye-roll really is a very effective tool to communicate a whole host of emotions – right? – from, like, I think your clothes are lame to you’re so unfair. Everything can be communicated (laughter) with an eye-roll.

Um, but that – that act, I think, goes back to our heart. That eye-roll is so indicative of that heart emotion of rebellion or pride or whatever it is that they’re wrestling with. So it really does go back, again, to the Holy Spirit doing that transformative work in their hearts, and then us as parents modeling what it looks like to control our emotions and to not cop attitude with our kids. I don’t know if you guys are guilty of this, but (laughter)…

Jim: Oh, no, not at all. (Laughter).

Jessie: But man… !

John: You can just keep self-confessing this one. (LAUGHTER)

Jim: Yeah, I – it’s making us feel a lot better. (Laughter). But it’s true!

Jessie: Man. Sometimes I catch my daughter giving me the same attitude that I’m giving her. And it’s really ugly and embarrassing. But – but I’ve got to model that for her, of what it looks like to show honor to her – to them, to both of my daughters – even when I’m irritated with them.

Jim: It’s so hard. And that’s the trigger point, where we get pushed, you know, that button in us gets pushed. And we get right down in the – in the gutter with them. (Laughter)

Jessie: Yes.

Jim: You know, and I’ll always think to myself, I am the adult in this conversation.

Jessie: (Laughter) Right? (Laughter)

Jim: It’s kind of an embarrassing moment when you come to that realization. What – what – what am I doing down here with this guy?

Jessie: It’s so true.

Jim: You mentioned – and you don’t hear a lot about this – but the fifth commandment. So I’ll ask the listeners, OK, everybody, what’s the fifth commandment? You’re going through them – OK, murder. That’s the one – honor your mother and father, right?

Jessie: Yeah.

Jim: But we don’t talk about that one much. And when you bring it up – now, just a little test of three. Have – have any of you brought that up with your kids?

John: Oh, I quote that one all the time. (LAUGHTER)

Jim: And how does that go down?

John: Yeah, not so well. (Laughter)

Jessie: Don’t you want a long life on the Earth? And she says, not if it’s with you! (Laughter)

John: Ohh!

Jim: Yeah. It’s like one of those brutal tools we pull out. (Laughter) Do you know the Bible says to honor your father? You’re not honoring me right now!

Jessie: (Laughter) That’s exactly right.

Jim: They look at you like, because you don’t deserve it. (LAUGHTER) But what – what is the importance of that? We’re – we’re laughing with that. But there is something – God is trying to say something to us…

Jessie: Absolutely.

Jim: …In honor your mother and father.

Jessie: And it was shocking to me, as I was looking at that fifth commandment – the first four are teaching us how to honor God himself. And then right after that, the first relational commandment is honor your father and mother. It wasn’t don’t murder. It wasn’t don’t covet, all those kind of biggies that I feel like went along with the lightning and thunder that was going on. But…

Jim: Deserved a big response.

Jessie: Right. Like, bah! But it was honor your father and mother. And I – the more I mulled on that, the more I thought, man, if it’s true that family is the best place for us to learn how to honor and obey people when they don’t deserve it, when their rules are unfair, when they don’t get everything right, isn’t that the perfect training ground to honor God himself? Because we don’t always understand His methods. We don’t always like His discipline. We don’t always understand where He’s going with things. And so I think He gave us that commandment, honor your father and mother, because that’s how we learn to honor God Himself.

Jim: That is so true.

John: Our guest on Focus on the Family is Jessie Minassian. Uh, we’re talking about her bookFamily: How To Love Yours (And Help Them Like You Back). And, uh, we’ve got that and a CD or download in our mobile app as well at focusonthefamily.com/radio. Or call us and order the book. Our number is 800-232-6459.

Jim: Um, you also talk, in the book, about trust. Complete trust and limited freedom, I think, is the core. I love that. It’s a struggle though for teens and parents, uh, to learn that trust and that freedom balance. And usually, the teens would say, yeah, you’re freedom metric is way out of balance, Dad or Mom, and you don’t trust me enough. And what have I done to break the trust?

Jessie: Yes.

Jim: I’m generally really a good person. I mean, you can hear those…

Jessie: Yes.

Jim: …Conversations. So how do parents and teens navigate that trust idea with limited freedom or more freedom?

Jessie: Yeah, this was a huge thing for me to learn to recognize because what I was hearing from a lot of girls, they were saying– my parents say they trust me, but they won’t let me do anything. And so there’s…

Jim: Anything – nothing.

Jessie: Nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing. (Laughter) Everything’s very dramatic…

Jim: I love it.

Jessie: …When you’re a teen.

John: (Laughter)

Jessie: But what I was finding is, man, it’s possible – and there’s several relationships in our lives, not just from a teen to their parent, where we have absolute or complete trust from someone else, but we don’t have complete freedom – there’s limited freedom. And one example is in the marriage relationship. I trust my husband completely. He trusts me completely. We have a foundation of trust in our marriage that’s been built over 15 years.

We still have limited our freedom on purpose for one another. We have each other’s passwords for everything. We check with each other if we’re going to be alone with a member of the opposite sex. We, um, always consult each other if we’re going to make plans that affect the other person. We limit our own freedom and the freedom of the other person in the name of trust. And I think that’s a key for parents and their kids to understand is that I can completely trust my daughters, but that doesn’t mean that that comes with unlimited freedom.

Jim: Yeah, I love that analogy.

Jessie: I necessarily have to limit their freedom to help them maintain that trust.

Jim: Yeah, and some of that – I mean, it’d be in that caution zone, right? – the precautionary measures you’d want to take in a marriage and parenting…

Jessie: Realizing…

Jim: …As a teen – to protect you.

Jessie: …It’s humility, right? It’s realizing I am vulnerable. I am not invincible, and so I need someone else to help me maintain those boundaries. Now, if a teen can get to that point, it’s money.

Jim: Yeah.

Jessie: Probably hard to do for a teen.

Jim: Yeah.

Jessie: But if – as parents, if we can explain that difference and, again, bring up in conversation the places where you have limited your freedom, whether it’s your relationship with the Lord or with a spouse or a boss, to show them that it doesn’t mean that you can’t still have a great time.

Jim: Jessie, in previous broadcasts, we did talk about your crushaholic problem.

Jessie: Yes.

Jim: I love that.

Jessie: All my secrets are exposed.

Jim: And those teen years are so – can be so full of that. You know, you go from crush to crush to crush. And this guy talked to me, or this girl talked to me, and I don’t know what to do. And, you know, those things happen. It’s a normal part of the teen experience. So I want you to talk about that crushaholicism…

Jessie: Yeah.

Jim: …And how you, uh, got over that or how you discerned it over those years and what advice you might have for parents and for teens.

Jessie: Yeah, for parents. It definitely is part of the teen years. And I don’t think even when we talk about it with our teens, and they have a healthy view of the difference between admiration and attraction, and all those things that we’ve talked about on previous broadcasts, I think playing into this idea of limited freedom, this is a perfect example of where parents do need to step in and limit their kids freedom, even though they do trust them explicitly. And a perfect example of this – my dad was a little bit strict in what we were allowed to do. Um, and there was this dance in my small town. And I was just…

Jim: Uh-oh.

Jessie: …Over the moon. I was so excited because word was that – we’ll call him dreamy boy. (LAUGHTER) Dreamy boy was going to…

John: Just to pick a name.

Jessie: Just to pick a name. We’ll call him D.B. for short. (Laughter) So he was going to be at the dance. And I heard that he wanted me to be there. And I was over the moon. I mean, this was, like, going to be the teen movie spectacular moment…

Jim: Yeah.

Jessie: …That my young heart had been craving.And I was all ready to go. And before the dance, my dad said, you can’t go. And I was devastated. I was pretty sure my entire social life was dead from that point on. And I tried every, you know, phrase in the book. But why? And he’s just like, no, you can’t go.

Jim: You’re crushing me!

Jessie: Right. But what I didn’t realize then – what I learned later was, you know, dreamy boy wasn’t exactly as dreamy as I had previously thought. And even if I had had that teen movie spectacular moment, my dad protected me from probably a whole summer of regret. He did not have the greatest reputation. And I was young and vulnerable and really craving attention. And that probably would not have ended well.

And my dad didn’t even realize it at the time. He didn’t know why I wanted to go so bad, but he trusted his intuition, and it saved me. He limited my freedom, and it ended up freeing me.

Jim: Even with the hassle that it incurred…

Jessie: Oh, it totally did.

Jim: …You know, that you were, I’m sure…

Jessie: The eye-roll and the door slam…

Jim: Yeah.

Jessie: …All those things that went on. But later, I was able to thank him – as an adult…

Jim: Well, and sometimes…

Jessie: …Not later, like, that week. (Laughter)

Jim: And sometimes – we’ve talked about how to reduce friction and all that. Sometimes there’s just going to be friction, and you need to accept it, especially in that parenting role where you just know the right thing to do, and you got to do it.

Jessie: Yeah.

Jim: Jessie, you’ve mentioned a few times, and you’ve interwoven dad and stepdad, and I know you’re speaking of the same man.

Jessie: Yeah.

Jim: Speak to that issue of having a father who’s not your biological father – he’s your stepdad. And it’s nice that you refer to him as father and dad. I think that’s a good thing. Uh, but that was one of your biggest struggles is your relationship with this man, who came into your life a little later. I don’t know what age you were.

Jessie: I was five when they got married.

Jim: So five when he married your mom. Speak to his leadership in that struggle that you did have. Was it worse than you thought it would be? Did it have good moments and bad moments? What…

Jessie: Yeah.

Jim: …Did it look like?

Jessie: Yeah, my stepdad, who I’ve always called Dad – and I’ve never called him anything else until having to differentiate for the purpose of…

Jim: Sure.

Jessie: …This book. Um, it was a really rough growing up. But you know what? As an adult, now looking back on it, something that has struck me so profoundly – because remember, as a kid and a teenager, the world revolves around me, and so everyone must love me unconditionally. (Laughter) Like, that’s just sort of a given. Who wouldn’t love me?

Jim: That’s right.

Jessie: But as an adult looking back on it now, I can see, wow, he chose to take me on. He said that I was a cute but precocious little 5-year old who needed a lot of discipline, and he’s probably right about that.

Jim: Yeah.

Jessie: And even though I didn’t agree with his discipline methods or the anger that he had learned from multiple generations of abuse, that he was trying…

Jim: Yeah.

Jessie: …And he chose to love me. He went to all of my sporting games. He let me wear his favorite sweatshirt, like, every time it came out of the wash. And he told me he was proud of me.

Jim: Huh.

Jessie: And those things now as an adult, looking – I’m just so grateful that he would do that. And I did – as a kid, I wondered would things have been different if my mom had married my biological father, if I even knew who he was or, um, you know, how things would change? But looking back on it now, I see that God, that secret that he had of wanting to make me more like Christ, that was the perfect family to do that in.

Jim: That is beautiful. And what a great place to land today. I do want to come back next time and pick up the conversation and talk more about teens and their parents and how to manage these years more constructively – not perfectly most likely, but more constructively. This is great stuff, Jessie, and I’m eating it up.

Your book –Family: How To Love Yours And Help Them Like You Back.Um, thank you for that encouragement and especially, you know, I know you’ve written this to teen daughters to help them and to help their parents better understand, but it does apply to boys as well. I’m getting a lot out of this, too.

 

Closing:

Jim: If you have a child who is growing up in your home, and they happen to be a teenager, uh, I want to get a copy of this book into your hands. So write us here. If you can’t afford it, we’ll get it to you. Just contact us. And if you can give us a gift for any amount, we’ll say thank you by sending the book along to you.

John: Yeah, you can donate and get a copy of Jessie’s book when you call 800-A-FAMILY or stop by focusonthefamily.com/radio and, uh, get the CD or download of our conversation. Get the mobile app so you can listen on the go. And we’ll include the broadcast next time as well. And be sure you ask about Brio Magazine. Jim, this is one of the things that you really wanted to get going again.

Jim: It’s true. We heard more, uh, negative complaints in a very good way from the folks when we had to terminate that to say bring it back, bring it back. It was the one tool I had with my daughter to help her. And we’ve listened. And it is back, and it is going gangbusters. I mean, almost, I think, 70,000 subscribers, and we want to keep driving that up because the content is so, so good.

John: Yeah, there’s encouragement. There are talking points for you and your teen girl. And, uh, Brio Magazine, you can find out about it when you call or stop by the website.

Jim: Jessie, like I say, we’re going to come back next time. Thanks for being with us today, and let’s get back and talk about it, all right?

Jessie: Can’t wait.

John: Well join us next time as we once more have Jessie Minassian and help you and your family thrive in Christ.

Today's Guests

Family: How to Love Yours (and Help Them Like You Back!)

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Recent Episodes

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Cover image of the book "The 40-Day Sugar Fast"

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Bundle of Why Your Kids Misbehave

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Debra Fileta

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Love in Every Season: Understanding the Four Stages of a Healthy Relationship

Every relationship goes through four life-changing seasons: Spring. Summer. Fall. Winter. Each season plays an important role in taking your relationship to the next level. And depending on how you navigate each season, your relationship will either flourish and grow, or it will slowly die. Whether you’re single, dating, engaged or married, join licensed professional counselor and relationship expert, Debra Fileta as she takes you on an eye-opening psychological and spiritual journey through the four seasons that she has observed in every healthy relationship.

Reconciling Faith and Science in a Medical Crisis

Dr. Lee Warren is a neurosurgeon who has faced many heavy challenges in his life – from serving in the Iraq War to removing deadly brain tumors to experiencing the loss of a teenage son. He’ll share about his difficult quest to find answers to some of life’s toughest questions, while holding onto his faith in God and the sure hope of heaven

Headshot of Focus on the Family broadcast guest Dr. W. Lee Warren

Dr. Lee Warren

W. Lee Warren, M.D., is a brain surgeon , inventor, Iraq War veteran, and author of I’ve Seen the End of You: A Neurosurgeon’s Look at Faith, Doubt, and the Things We Think We Know, winner of the Christian Book Award®. His previous book, No Place to Hide, was included on the 2015 U.S. Air Force Chief of Staff’s Recommended Reading List. Dr. Warren has appeared on The 700 Club and the CBS Evening News, and his writings have been featured in Guideposts magazine. His Dr. Lee Warren Podcast, which is heard in more than 60 countries, helps listeners use the power of neuroscience, faith, and common sense to change their lives.

Cover image of Dr. Lee Warren's book "I've Seen the End of You"

I've Seen the End of You: A Neurosurgeon's Look at Faith, Doubt, and the Things We Think We Know

This gripping inspirational memoir grapples with the tension between faith and science—and between death and hope—as a seasoned neurosurgeon faces insurmountable odds and grief both in the office and at home.

Praying Scripture Over Your Child’s Life - Part 1

Jodie Berndt loves to pray for her children. She’s been doing that for the past thirty years. Now she helps other parents to talk to God, asking for the salvation of their kids, and for wisdom, self-discipline, purpose, a future and much more. She offers fun and practical encouragement that moms and dads can put to work immediately in their daily lives as they prepare their children for a life in Christ.

Headshot of Focus on the Family broadcast guest Jodie Berndt

Jodie Berndt

Jodie Berndt is a public speaker, a Bible teacher, and the the author of 10 books. Find out more about Jodie and get some free resources (including printable prayer cards and calendars) at her website, jodieberndt.com.

Cover image of Jodie Berndt's book "Praying the Scriptures for Your Children"

Praying the Scriptures Over Your Children

You will discover how using the Bible to shape your desires and requests opens the door to God’s provision—and frees us from things like worry and fear in our parenting! This expanded edition of the bestseller features updated content on issues like technology and identity, and comes with new material designed to invite children into the family prayer circle. Purchase now and receive 10% off your product.

Mothers and Sons: Being a Godly Influence - Part 1

Rhonda Stoppe describes her early motherhood challenges of raising a son, which was intimidating to her. She found help through group of older women mentors. She urges moms to see their role as ministry in shaping sons to be good and godly men. Rhonda outlines several practical suggestions to moms about spiritual training, how to communicate with boys, and supporting the father-son relationship as a wife.

Headshot of Rhonda Stoppe

Rhonda Stoppe

Drawing upon 35 years of experience as a mentor, pastor’s wife, and homeschool mom, Rhonda Stoppe offers encouragement and guidance to women as an author and public speaker. She is popularly known as the “No Regrets Woman,” as she is especially passionate about helping women live life without regrets. Rhonda’s books include Moms Raising Sons to Be MenReal Life Romance, and The Marriage Mentor, which she co-authored with her husband, Steve.

Cover image of Rhonda Stoppe's book "Moms Raising Sons to be Men"

Moms Raising Sons to Be Men

Mothers of boys have the special calling to shape future men of God. Popular speaker Rhonda Stoppe, mom to two sons, knows this opportunity is a challenge, a joy, and probably the most important work of a woman’s life. Drawing from years of experience, this inspirational resource will revive the faithfulness and fortitude a woman needs to partner with God as they shape the character and heart of a future godly man.

Identifying Triggers in Your Marriage Part 1

They were both convinced they had married the wrong person. From almost the very beginning of their marriage, Amber and Guy Lia experienced various tensions and personality clashes related to house cleaning, backseat driving, workaholism, and intimacy. In this two-day Focus on the Family broadcast, Amber and Guy discuss how they bravely faced the triggers head-on, and committed to working on their own relationships with Jesus. As you listen to the Lia’s story, you’ll feel hope that you, too, can see real marriage transformation!

Headshot of Guy and Amber Lia

Mr. and Mrs. Guy and Amber Lia and Mrs. Jean Daly

Amber Lia is a work-at-home mom, blogger, public speaker, and co-author of two best-selling books. Her husband, Guy, is a former TV, feature film, and VFX development and production executive who has worked on popular TV shows and films. Guy and Amber own Storehouse Media Group, a faith- and family-friendly TV and film production company based in Los Angeles,

Cover image of the book "Marriage Triggers" by Guy and Amber Lia

Marriage Triggers: How You and Your Spouse Can Exchange Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses

A husband-wife team offers practical advice for married couples to end the cycle of reactionary arguments by examining the most common issues that trigger disagreements and apply God’s Word to radically transform relationships.

What to Do When You're Not Okay - Part 1

Life can be pretty stressful. Between work, relationships, and other obligations, the pressure builds, and we lose sight of who we are. Counselor Debra Fileta helps you better understand your emotions, assess your mental, physical, and spiritual health, and intentionally pursue a path to wellbeing. In dealing with anxiety, depression, and panic attacks, Debra understands the importance of self-examination as well as the benefits of seeking professional help. She offers biblically-based advice, tools, and encouragement to help you get on a path toward healing and wholeness.

Author Debra Fileta in the Focus on the Family broadcast studio

Mrs. Debra Fileta

Debra Fileta is a licensed professional counselor specializing in relationship and marital issues. She is also a public speaker and the author of multiple books, including Married SexChoosing Marriage: Why It Has to Start With We > Me, Love in Every Season, and Are You Really OK: Getting Real About Who You Are, How You’re Doing, and Why It Matters. Debra’s popular relationship advice blog, TrueLoveDates.com, and her Love + Relationships podcast reach millions of people each year offering guidance on topics including love, sex, and marriage. Debra resides in Pennsylvania with her husband, John, and their four children.

Are You Really Okay?

Are You Really OK: Getting Real About Who You Are

In Are You Really OK? author and licensed counselor Debra Fileta challenges you to get real with who you are and how you’re doing spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically so you can recognize where you need growth and healing.

Navigating a Toxic Culture with Your Daughter - Part 1

As a pediatrician, Dr. Meg Meeker has seen thousands of girls come through her office through the years. They struggle with eating issues, sexual identity, social media…and many other challenges in this toxic culture. Dr. Meeker will encourage parents to invest love and time in their daughters and develop their character to give them the best opportunity for a bright future, all rooted in a spiritual foundation. The discussion also includes healthy feminism vs. toxic feminism

Mrs. Meg Meeker

Dr. Meg Meeker is a pediatrician who is widely recognized as one of the country’s leading authorities on parenting, teens and children’s health. With appearances on numerous nationally syndicated radio and TV programs, her popularity as a an expert on key issues confronting families has created a strong following across America. Her work with countless families over the years served as the inspiration behind her best-selling books which include Strong Fathers, Strong DaughtersStrong Mothers, Strong Sons and The Ten Habits of Happy Mothers

Cover image of Dr. Meg Meeker's book "Raising a Strong Daughter in a Toxic Culture"

Raising a Strong Daughter in a Toxic Culture: 11 Steps to Keep Her Happy, Healthy, and Safe

Meg Meeker has been a pediatrician for more than thirty years, is a mother and a grandmother, and has seen it all. She knows what makes for strong, happy, healthy young women–and what puts our daughters at risk. Combining that experience with her famous common sense, she explains the eleven steps that will help your daughter–whether she’s a toddler or a troubled teen–to achieve her full human potential.

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Newest Release - Episode 1: The Truth About Life!

In this episode, we will tackle tough questions like, “When does life begin?” and “What does the Bible
say about Life?” You’ll discover and understand the stages of pre-born life and that babies are more than
just a clump of cells!

Yes, I Promise to Pray for the Pre-born and Their Moms!

Will you pray for the pre-born and moms that are facing unexpected pregnancies? We will send you a 7-day prayer guide that will help guide you along this journey with us!! You can even choose to receive this great resource by text!