Day One:
Dr. Josh Straub: And if I can get my significance and my identity in who I am in Him, I now get to show up and show love and affection to my kids, show love and affection to my wife out of that without trying to find significance anywhere else. And even if Christi’s coming at me with her arrows, I know where I’m grounded and rooted. And I can say, “Listen,” I can be humble enough to go, “I really wasn’t the best there and I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”
John Fuller: Well, that’s Dr. Josh Straub describing how to prioritize relationships in your family, even in the midst of a career and busy schedules and everything else you’re trying to juggle every day. We’re featuring Josh and his wife, Christi, today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Thanks for joining us. I’m John Fuller.
Jim Daly: John, I don’t think anybody wakes up in the morning and decides I’m gonna ruin my marriage today and neglect my kids, uh, undermine the stability of my home. It’s just not what you’re intending to do-
John: No.
Jim: … but, man, out of control busyness and all the challenges in life, it kind of looks like sometimes that’s the goal.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And, uh, I get it. I mean, I’m traveling a lot. Thankfully, Jean’s able to travel with me a bit more now that our boys are kind of self-sustaining.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And, uh, you know, that’s a good- good time of life to be, but I can remember all those trips and Jean just grabbed me saying, “Man, I need more of your time here at home.” And I had to hear that and listen to that and slow down a bit.
John: Yeah.
Jim: So, you know, this is part of what we want to talk about today because it’s so critical in creating a healthy home, not a perfect home. A healthy home.
John: Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, we have great help and insights from Josh and Christi Straub. Uh, they’re popular authors, speakers and leadership coaches and they’re in the trenches. They’ve got three children at home and-
Jim: (laughs)
John: … uh, together they’ve written a book called Famous at Home: 7 Decisions to Put Your Family Center Stage in a World Competing for Your Time, Attention, and Identity. And of course we have details about the Straubs and this great book at our website and that’s focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Here now, uh, Jim, is how you began the conversation on today’s episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
Jim: We live in this competitive world of achievement and success, especially in the West.
Christi: Mm-hmm.
Jim: I mean, we’re just built for that. If you’re not the A student, if you’re not the quarterback-
Christi Straub: Yeah.
Jim: … if you’re not the gold medal winner in swimming or soccer and- then, you know, what’s wrong?
Christi: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And it isn’t healthy and we kind of know why, but what does that look like, uh, to lower that stress and- and really concentrate on being famous at home? Not just for the kids, but for the parents, too.
Josh: Yeah. I think, you know, for us, we- the- the whole context of this message really came out of seeing people are starting with ourselves. And you alluded to it in the book, but seeing how easy it is to pursue success outside the home and that individual pursuit. And everything in our culture is designed that way since the Industrial Revolution.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Josh: It’s designed for dad to leave the home, for the kids to go their separate ways to the point that now we have, you know, individual trainers for our kids and athletics. And I- I don’t wanna, you know, I wanna be careful because I don’t wanna, um, make this sound like, oh, you know, we’re shaming athletics. We’re both athletes, we love sports. I think sports are really, really healthy. What I see it not being healthy is where we start to promote all, uh, each individual person at the expense of the family unit.
Jim: Huh.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: And that’s where the heart behind this is because that’s- that’s what we hear all the time. We hear this from families constantly of we’re too busy, we don’t have enough time. Uh, I feel like I’m not getting enough time with my kids. And- And- And just really asking the questions. Are we prioritizing what matters most to us, especially when we look at end-of-life surveys? And you see that some of our greatest regrets were that we didn’t live the lives that we wish we would’ve.
Jim: Hm.
Josh: We did what everybody else was telling us to do.
Jim: You know, it’s an interesting human dynamic. We- We do go with the flow-
Christi: Uh-huh.
Jim: … so easily and you see that in so many ways. I mean, you could see it in an autocratic dictatorship country.
Christi: Mm-hmm.
Josh: Yeah.
Jim: You know, people don’t know what to do, so we just kind of herd mentality-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: … and we just kind of move except for a few.
Christi: Yes.
Jim: That 10% that might fight that. And that’s at that kind of level, but then down at the family level, at the household level-
Josh: Yeah.
Jim: … we’re very similar.
Christi: Oh, yeah.
Jim: You know, we look up at the end and go, “Oh.” I mean, Jean and I often have said, you know, it’d be so great to parent over, you know, ’cause we’ve learned so much and it- (laughs) and we’ve made a lot of mistakes. And it’d just be- it would be so nice to hit the reset.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: Interesting.
Jim: And have Trent and Troy back at, you know, two and four-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: And say, “Okay, how can we do this?” But I guess that’s the appeal for those watching and listening. If you have kids at home and your marriage, don’t wait. Don’t go with the flow.
Josh: Well, and I think the thing that we’re trying to do is say take permission. Like I- I feel like culture doesn’t give us permission-
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: Because we just have to fit the cultural norms. And then when you go out on social media and you go to Instagram, you get on all these other places and you’re seeing that, you know, the Joneses down the street, their kids are in X, Y, and Z. Well, then that means I should probably just get my kids in X, Y, and Z. And we don’t think about why.
Jim: Yeah.
Josh: Or we don’t think about the effects or the ripple effects that that will have. We just do it because it’s what we, you know, believe we’re supposed to do. And I think that’s where we’re seeing the, you know, that that’s what this is all about, is- is really honing in on being famous at home because your biggest fans live under your roof.
Jim: Yeah.
Josh: And that’s the- at the end of the day, like, that’s what we all want. We want that connection.
Jim: Yeah. And, you know, in that regard, I’ve watched that research over the years and one of the things that always astounds me because of pop culture today, we have the impression that teenagers particularly are so connected to their friend base and to pop culture and their phones and all those things. But in the research data, teens will say the most important people to me are my mom and dad.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: The most important-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: … influence in my life is my mom and dad. I don’t know that we know that as parents anymore-
Josh: Yeah, yeah.
Jim: … ’cause there’s just, you know, so much competition for their attention. But in their hearts, these young people are going, “No, my mom and dad are so important.”
Christi: Well, and that’s the one place where you’re irreplaceable, right?
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: Like, and I think that’s, I mean, for us, the message of truly what it means to be famous at home, is recognizing, like, this is the one place that I am irreplaceable. My role in this family, you can’t just sub me out. Whereas all of the things, all of the accolades that the world puts out there. And for mom and dad, too. Like, we’re talking about kids and, you know, activities and such. What about mom and dad? Like, all of us are chasing something. Like, we’re going after something out there in the world because it gives us a sense of if it’s significance, if it’s a sense of safety, um, value, dignity, something that gives us worth. And-
Jim: It- It fills a void that we have-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: … for some reason.
Christi: Yes.
Jim: That’s the key-
Christi: And-
Jim: … to try to figure that out.
Christi: Ex- Exactly. And what is that message? Like, what is that fear underlying that? Because it’s driving us to chase something outside of our home, like, outside of this unit that God gave us to steward. And it’s really where the- or the basis of our identity is formed.
Jim: Yeah. In fact, the- the example in the book, and I, again, appreciate the transparency, Josh, but your dad had heart failure. He went into the hospital and I so related to this. You tried to begin to fix everything.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: But it- it was at the expense of other things. And it’s-
Josh: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … it is kind of that paradigm where I can do four things, pick ’em.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: I can’t do 10 things.
Josh: Yeah.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: But describe that environment and then, Christi, how you were engaging that. And what was the issue?
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: Yeah, I think our chase, you know, for me, you know, in the middle of all this, you know, you’re, you know, we’re doing what we do. You know, we- we wanna help families. We feel called to help families, so I’m in the middle of trying to work and actually also, you know, put food on the table. You know-
Jim: Right.
Josh: … you gotta- you gotta have a job.
Jim: (laughs)
Josh: But in the middle of all that, we have two infants. We have an infant and a toddler. The toddler’s not sleeping. Christi is not doing well. She was really what she called the bottom rung of life during that season. And then my dad has congestive heart failure and his heart stopped working, uh, on its own, so they had to do a heart pump surgery. And all of this, it’s- it was like the perfect storm. It all just came at the- at the exact same time. And me, I’m trying to manage my dad, you know, his wife, my mom, my stepdad, you know, I’m trying to manage Christi, I’m trying to … And I was just everywhere. Uh, and then also trying to pursue my career, pursue our business-
Jim: Right, do the things we need to do.
Josh: … pursue- do the things that we needed to do. And what I was doing is I was talking about a lot of the things that we’re doing right now and that- or talking about right now, but then showing up and not doing them at home the way that I was supposed to be doing them. And- And that was a significant moment for me to look at. Man, what am I actually chasing here and what-
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: … really does matter at the end of the day? ‘Cause- ‘Cause especially in that season, she wasn’t doing well. And so when she’s not doing well, I’m getting the brunt of her not doing well. And so that makes me want to-
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: … so then we get into a dance where I’m not wanting to engage her. I’m getting defensive because of the way she’s treating me.
Jim: Pulling back.
Josh: But she’s treating me that way because she’s struggling.
Christi: Yeah. And for me, I- what Josh said before, I literally called it hitting the bottom rung of life.
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: Like, it was just his dad went into the hospital. I think our daughter was six weeks old and our-
Josh: Yeah.
Christi: … son was two. And every postpartum mom knows what those weeks are like. It was just-
Jim: It’s like, uh-oh, I gotta get up.
Christi: It was awful. It was just, we were living, you know, at my in-laws, he’s back and forth to the hospital. And I realized in that season it was I felt so unseen. I felt so insignificant. He’s out there crushing it and getting the accolades and the successes. Not because, you know, he’d travel and speak and everyone’s, like, all the atta boys. He’s getting those and I’m at home, like, in a baggy T-shirt, college sweatpants, you know, hair back in a ponytail, no makeup on, spackled in pureed banana and sweet potato ’cause I was teaching our ba- babies to eat food. And it was like this season of total hiddenness and-
Jim: Hm.
Christi: … insignificance. And I realized in those moments all I- what I needed for him to do was see me. I needed someone to say, “What you’re doing is significant. What you’re doing matters.” Because at the time it feels … All of culture says like, “This is- It’s meaningless.” You know, it’s like go back to work if that’s a struggle, put your kids in daycare. And- And that’s not even- that wasn’t the fight for me. It was this- It was this belief that if I’ve been given these children and the Lord had asked me, I’ve really felt clearly to stay home with them. And it- to me, it felt like I was sacrificing myself to care for these kids. And that search for significance is what the chase was for me in that season.
Jim: Yeah. Christi, let me ask you this ’cause I can just feel, man, that how many moms have been there, are there right now that are watching-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: … listening, trying to listen ’cause they got 14 (laughs) things going on.
Christi: (laughs)
Jim: But the, um-
Christi: That’s so real.
Jim: … you know, understanding the significance, not-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: … listening to the culture.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: Um, that ability to prioritize.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: Because when you think about it, taking care of those littles, it’s the most important thing you could do. It’s hard to feel that at-
Christi: Yes.
Jim: … the time ’cause you’re covered-
Christi: Yes.
Jim: … in banana pudding or whatever. (laughs)
Christi: Yes. Curried banana and sweet potato. Yes, exactly.
Jim: But- But- But how- how I just get this image of you, like, dragging your limbs through that kitchen going-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: … “Josh, I need you Josh.”
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: And him not responding well and, like, you’re withering.
Christi: I- What- That-
Jim: And h- So how-
Christi: That’s it.
Jim: So I mean, A, how do you- how do you muster that ability to turn to Josh and say-
Christi: Yep.
Jim: … “This is what I need from you right now.” And Josh’s ability to say, “Oh.” Rather than backing up, Josh, I’m telling you with males, men, when we’re in a tight jam-
Christi: Yep.
Jim: … we just go compartmentalized.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: Yes. 100%.
Jim: You know, okay, we just back up ’cause we don’t know what to do.
Christi: Right. Or defensive, right? Where he would feel defensive ’cause it’s like … And I- I’m putting words in his mouth, but I’ve heard him say them. So- It- But he’ll say, “You know, I’m already giving everything. Like, I feel like I’m crushing it. I’m trying to balance all these things and then you’re telling me I’m still not doing it well enough.”
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: And I needed him to see me. And in that moment, to his credit, he didn’t defend himself. He did not lash out or say like, you know, ’cause- and we’ve … I mean, we’ve been in those rounds, right? We call it the dance, right?
Jim: Right.
Christi: Where it’s like, you know, then he gets defensive because it’s like, “Do you not see what I’m doing? Like, do you not see what I’m …
Josh: You’ve never gotten defensive? Come on.
Christi: Never, never.
Jim: (laughs)
Christi: I’ve never been passive aggressive-
Jim: Not that I’m being defensive right now, but-
Christi: … I’ve never, um … But he just held me in that moment. He just hugged me ca- without knowing what to say.
Josh: It’s because I didn’t know what to do.
Jim: Yeah. No, it’s a good move.
Josh: I was just like, “Let me just do the best thing that I …
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: And the fact that you were okay to be held ’cause there’s times where you’re just like, “Don’t even touch me, too.”
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: I- I- For me, I think this is the key. And I think you have said it so many times and I just wanna clarify it. I think that at the end of the day, we all have a desire to feel seen.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Josh: And when we don’t feel seen, we go outside and we chase where we feel seen, whether that’s on social media and getting likes and comments, whether that’s for board members, whether that’s for clients, whether that’s for employee, whether, you know, whatever it is that- whatever your stage is, if you will, we try to feel seen. And if we’re not feeling seen at home, that’s where we turn outside the home to feel seen. And the whole point for us, and with Famous at Home, is to say, “Listen, your greatest fans live under your roof.” And practically speaking, if I can just see what’s going on within Christi’s heart, get beyond the wall that she’s put up, get beyond the way- the dance and just say even that- that example of just holding her and going, “Tell me what’s really going on within your heart.”
Jim: Right.
Josh: That’s what I want to know.
Jim: Well, and it’s a powerful moment because if more couples could do that, there’d be really powerful marriages.
Josh: Yeah.
Jim: Strong, especially Christian marriages-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: … if we’re doing this correctly. But I think even to your point, when Jesus walked the earth, that’s what He did with so many people.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: He saw them.
Josh: He saw them.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: I mean-
Josh: Yeah.
Jim: … the woman caught in adultery-
Christi: Yep.
Jim: … the woman with the issue of blood.
Christi: Yep.
Jim: The woman at the well.
Josh: Yeah.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: The Sadducees and Pharisees, the- He saw them.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: Yeah, He did. Yep.
Jim: (laughs)
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: And called ’em out.
Christi: Yep.
Josh: Yeah.
Jim: I mean, and so the point being there, I think that was one of the great illustrations that God Himself, was illustrating for us, is to see those who are close to you.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: Yeah.
Jim: Uh-
Josh: And it’s so difficult to see when we’re running ragged.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Josh: And our schedules are so full-
Jim: Totally.
Josh: … and we’re so busy and our kids feel that trickle-down effect.
Jim: Many people listening and watching or in the church, we have a confession of Christ. We want to pursue the fruit of the Spirit. Love, joy, peace, goodness, patience, mercy. But doggone it, these other things keep creeping up.
Christi: Ugh.
Jim: Like anger, bitterness.
Josh: Yeah, yeah.
Jim: um-
Christi: Isn’t it a pain?
Jim: So how do we … Yeah, I mean, it’s-
Christi: To be human. (Laughs) It’s so.
Jim: … the lifelong struggle.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: But I- I think that awareness. And then it- it’s like I could hear it. I remember years when I heard it. I just didn’t know how to get it into my heart.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: Yeah.
Jim: And help it- and make it apply-
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: Yeah.
Jim: … to my life. So for those people that are in that spot, “Oh, Josh, that sounds great.” Or-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: … “Christi, I know right where you’re at.”
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: But it’s like how do I get that, what I’m hearing, into my actions?
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: Yeah. I think, you know, one of my really good friends, mentor of mine, Jeremy Pryor, just recently was with him. And one of the things he said, he was very insightful. He said, “You come to v- events, you come to conferences.” We were in a mastermind group and he said, “You know, when you hear new information for the first time, like, oh, wow, that’s really interesting and I wish I would … You know, and- and- and it’s new information that you know you didn’t apply, that you learned, but you’d never applied it.”
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Josh: He said, “Our first response should always be repentance.”
Jim: Wow.
Christi: Hm.
Josh: It shouldn’t be just writing it down and taking a note and then logging. Oh, I’ll go back to that later. It should always be, Lord, why have I not like … And just saying, “Lord, I’m sorry that I have not implemented this.”
Jim: My ears and my heart have been closed.
Josh: My- They’ve been closed-
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: … and I’m sorry that I haven’t been quick to listen.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: That I’ve been quick to speak or I’ve been quick to anger rather than, you know, than- than slow to anger or slow to speak. And I think it always starts with repentance. And so I- I’m gonna say that first and foremost. We- We ha- It ha- For me, these most significant breakthroughs anytime that Christi and I have an argument, or that I’m trying to be famous somewhere else and I’m not being famous to her, the most significant breakthroughs happen when I humble my heart and I’m repentant.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: And I’m- And I’m seeking her forgiveness.
Jim: (laughs) And our-
Josh: Every time.
Jim: … our flesh works so hard-
Christi: Oh, hates it.
Jim: … to keep us from doing that.
Christi: Hates it.
Jim: It is amazing.
Josh: Yeah.
Christi: But-
Jim: Uh, yeah.
Christi: Can I add one thing, too? ‘Cause you said a word, you said awareness. It’s awareness. Like, what I realized in that, you know, spackled in pureed banana and sweet potato is I had no awareness of what was going on within my heart. And that’s where we’ve talked about what we call … That’s what we came up with 15 minutes a day, where I realized I was in such a dark place and such a confusing place, I would say.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Christi: ‘Cause I wasn’t aware of what was going on. And so when your anger’s coming out, like, every which way and you’re like, “I don’t even know why I’m … Why am I attacking you?” And I talk to so many women and it’s the same story. It’s like we’re so bombarded by all of the things. Our- Our mental load is so much that we don’t have time to actually process what is happening to us. Where have I gone? What am I- What am I even feeling? And so what 15 minutes a day became was this process of a- just inquiring and asking of one another what did you feel today?
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: And it was one positive emotion, one, what we call, uncomfortable emotion. And it allowed us time to seek into the other’s heart, but also for each of us individually to process really what we were feeling. Because otherwise, it’s- it- all you’re getting is the reaction, right?
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: All the anger, all the-
Jim: Yeah, that surprises me-
Christi: … defensiveness.
Jim: … a little bit because I was frankly kind of impressed that in that dark place you were, you had the ability, which I heard as a mic drop moment to be able to say, “I don’t feel seen.”
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: That is a concise emotional expression. I mean, that would catch my attention. It obviously caught Josh. I think any husband that has-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: … any, you know, well of ability would be able to say, “Whoa, I’ve got an issue with her. We need to-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: … do something.”
Josh: Yeah.
Christi: But what’s interesting is it took me so long to say it.
Jim: Yeah. Well, okay, that’s fair. Okay.
Christi: I wish- If I wish I’d said it –
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: … a year earlier. (laughs)
Josh: And that’s what I was saying, it- it was like a rock bottom moment.
Christi: Yeah, it-
Josh: You know, and I think a lot of …
Jim: That’s how you get to that rock bottom.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: You get the rock bottom. Yeah.
Jim: It’s time.
Josh: Absolutely.
Jim: It’s not like that day was the bottom of the earth and-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: … you came up with it. Yeah.
Josh: And that’s where 15 minutes a day, if you’re practicing this of sitting down, just k- just devoting it. Sometimes it can be five minutes. It doesn’t even-
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: … have to be 15, but to sit down and devote time to just go a little bit deeper than the business of the day.
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: And just say, “Gimme one positive feeling you felt today. What was one moment you were excited, uh, happy, content-
Jim: Yeah.
Josh: … joyful. And then what was one uncomfortable emotion? What- What- What was one moment where you felt jealous or rejected or-
Jim: Yeah.
Josh: … hurt?”
Jim: And again, in that process you feel seen.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: And there is a part of you that is filled up because-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: … okay, I’m known.
Christi: Yes.
Josh: Yep.
Jim: Which is our deepest meaning.
Christi: And- And- And it doesn’t allow these big underlying things to get so big because they don’t … It- It- It’s like I was able to say it on a daily basis, not in six months time when I am at the bottom of my rope. I will-
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: … unleash on you of how unseen. And I think we do that. Like, we hold things in, thinking that we’re helping in the moment. Like, I don’t wanna put more on him right now. And all it does is just cause this swelling storm within. And that’s what 15 minutes a day, just that little process has helped us get to the bottom of and- and just root things out quicker.
Jim: Yeah. And it’s good to have that release valve.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: I mean, ’cause bigger, worse, more catastrophic-
Christi: Right.
Jim: … things can happen, like an affair or something like that.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: And in that context, uh, Christi, you wrote in the book (laughs) about your honeymoon experience.
Christi: (laughs)
Jim: I might as well… You know, you wrote it, so I’m gonna raise it.
Christi: (laughs)
Jim: But, uh, you know, you had this catastrophic argument. That’s good that you got-
Christi: It was- It was literally-
Jim: … into the honeymoon.
Christi: To date, it’s been the biggest argument, uh-
Jim: Well, you just decided to have the-
Christi: … we’ve ever had.
Jim: … the big one right up front, huh?
Christi: This is the last night of our honeymoon.
Jim: The last night. Okay, so what- and what is it? And then you refer to it as the elephant.
Christi: Yeah. Well, it’s- it’s what- it- it was about church.
Jim: (laughs) That’s great.
Christi: It doesn’t have to be about bad things. I mean, it was about-
Josh: But we didn’t- But we … Yeah, go ahead.
Jim: (laughs)
Christi: Are- Are you gonna defend it or are you gonna-
Josh: No, no, I was gonna describe the- the timeline of that, but-
Jim: We get to see it all over again-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: … live here at Focus.
Josh: It was, it was, it was.
Christi: It was, um, it was, yeah. It was a very- We- It was something we haven’t even really talked about, I guess. So here’s an example of what we call it, the elephant. It’s like you brush it under the rug and you pretend it doesn’t exist until that it comes out and you realize, “Oh, this is a huge thing.” It’s taking up a ton of space in our marriage or in our relationship.
Jim: Right. So you’re-
Christi: We’re just avoiding it.
Josh: And that’s what I was gonna say-
Christi: We’re not talking about it.
Josh: … because we- we argued about it on the last night of our honeymoon, but we just- we didn’t- we never really resolved it. So we-
Jim: We need to know the it.
Christi: Oh, yeah, so-
Josh: It became- It became-
Christi: … basically it was that we had gone to different churches and we were dating. And I loved mine. He- I don’t even know if he loved his, but he felt a duty to his and he was serving in a role there. And he just assumed that after we were married I would attend his church and just sort of fold in. And I was like, “Oh.” Like, that just took me off guard. Like, that was-
Jim: (laughs)
Christi: … not where I felt at peace or joy. And it- I thought this was something we would do together. Like, we would decide-
Jim: Decide together.
Christi: … together.
Josh: Rightfully so.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: I was not … Yeah.
Christi: But- But realizing, like, this is a great example of a fear-
Josh: Yeah.
Christi: … that’s underneath a chase because for him it was this fear of pleasing, like, these authority figures that he’d respected and served under. And so for him to walk away from that role just ’cause he got married, you know, was like-
Jim: Right.
Christi: … the fear was that, you know, I would then be sort of blacklisted or deemed irresponsible or-
Jim: Or betrayal.
Christi: Yeah. And- But real- yeah, and realizing this was a very new dynamic where it’s actually prioritizing, like he’s saying, the heart of me, of my heart. And this is something that we do together as a team. And the voices outside, they don’t get as much of a say anymore.
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: And it was such- I felt so unseen. I felt so, um, disrespected. I think I felt so, like, my voice didn’t matter. And it was like such a shock because it wasn’t the Josh I knew. And I think that’s what often happens. It’s like you get married and you’re like, “Wait, I knew you. What- What has happened?” And this is what happens when fear takes over. We do crazy stuff.
Jim: Huh.
Christi: And it divided us and it really became what we call the elephant in our marriage because it was a thing we didn’t talk about after that ’cause it was like I don’t know how we address this now after this big explosion. And that’s so often what happens with elephants. We’re so afraid that if we touch on it again-
Jim: They’re gonna sit on us.
Christi: It’s gonna … Yeah.
Josh: And the fear-
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: … and the insecurity were driving me more than-
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: … her- focusing on her heart in that season.
Jim: I relate to that. I mean, especially if you have that people pleaser bent.
Christi: Totally.
Jim: Which I can have.
Josh: Yeah.
Jim: And it sounds like you might, too.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: Yeah. And the thing that I would just really encourage couples to do is look at your opponents. What is- And when we say opponents, we say what is that one thing that’s coming in between the marital intimacy and your connection in your marriage? And- And that could be, um, it could be a good thing. It could be a new baby. You know?
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: It could be, uh, a- a job loss. It could be those types of things, but what is that thing and how do we address it? How do we come together and fight for each other in it? ‘Cause when we don’t name the opponents, when we don’t bring them out into the light, that’s when the enemy can use things even as good as church-
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: … to put a wedge between our marital intimacy.
Jim: Hm. Josh, Christi, this is so good. I mean, I- I hope everyone listening and those watching are as riveted as I am. I mean, I’m just right here with you because-
Christi: Hm.
Jim: … you’re describing us. And I think it’s just not Jean and me. I think it’s a lot of thousands, if not, uh, hundreds of thousands of couples. Let’s come back next time and apply this a little more to parenting. And there’s so much to cover here, so we’ll just pick it up with the parenting application of this and how do we do this for our children to teach them? Can we do that?
Josh: Yeah.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: Sounds great. Love it.
Jim: All right, let’s do.
John: What a great conversation we heard today on Focus on the Family with Josh and Christi Straub as they shared ideas and insights about making your marriage a priority in the midst of a busy life. And, uh, we know you can’t let the relationship with your spouse, uh, kind of go on autopilot. And I think we’ve all experienced that. We need to be more intentional about connecting and communicating well and really guarding the heart of our marriage. And Josh and Christi offer a lot of practical ideas about how to do that in their book, Famous at Home: 7 Decisions to Put Your Family Center Stage in a World Competing for Your Time, Attention, and Identity.
Jim: Well, I’m a huge fan of Josh and Christi. I love their passion to help couples, uh, and families thrive. And I can’t say enough good things about Famous at Home. There’s so much good, good, good content here that can literally transform your marriage. And I think every husband and wife should get this book. Uh, if you can send a gift of any amount to the ministry, we will send the book out to you as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry and helping us rescue marriages and rescue couples who are really struggling. Working together, we can have a huge impact. Over the last 12 months, and we just got this data recently, uh, more than half a million couples say their relationship has been helped by Focus on the Family. And I’m so grateful for friends like you who make that happen. We’re doing this together and the Lord, I believe, is smiling for all the success we’re, uh, seeing. Let’s move the needle up to maybe a million or even two million couples who are helped.
John: Mm-hmm. Yeah. So, uh, please continue praying for us in this ministry. And as you can, make a monthly gift of any amount. And, uh, we’ll send that book to you as our way of saying thanks for joining the support team. Uh, a one-time gift certainly is deeply appreciated, if you’re not in a spot to do that monthly pledge, but either way, uh, donate online at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or call 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY. 800-232-6459. And we have a free survey for you online. It’s the Focus on Marriage Assessment and it’s gonna offer you and your spouse a really good, uh, overview of what’s working well in your relationship along with practical tips about ways to improve. Check out the website or show notes to learn more. Well, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller inviting you back for part two of the conversation with Josh and Christi Straub, as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.
Day Two:
Christi Straub: For us, the message of truly what it means to be famous at home is recognizing like, “This is the one place that I am irreplaceable. My role in this family, you can’t just sub me out.” Whereas all of the things, all of the accolades that the world puts out there… And for mom and dad too. We’re talking about kids and, you know, activities and such. What about mom and dad? Like, all of us are chasing something.
John Fuller: Some good insights from Christi Straub about making your marriage and family a priority. Especially today when the culture calls us away from the home, uh, spend more time and money and attention away from our family. Christi and her husband Dr. Josh Straub are back with us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. And I’m John Fuller.
Jim Daly: Uh, last time we shared a brilliant conversation with Josh and Christi about what it means to be famous at home. I love it, but you kind of can scratch your head going, “Okay, what does that mean-”
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: “… being famous at home.” And we don’t often think that way because in this modern era, we believe fame and accolades come from everywhere else.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Not from home. Maybe your career or friends or social media, all of that. But spending time at home with your family, uh, is the bright spot of the day. I remember coming home from Focus, I meet with presidents and senators and all that, and I’d get home and man, I love the boys running out, grabbing each of my legs and me kinda doing the monster walk into the house and then we have a tickle-fest and all that good stuff.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: I felt the best being in our living room, playing with the boys. And, uh, you know, hopefully you feel that way too. And, uh, if you’re not in that spot, we’ve got resources to help you. Josh and Christi have great advice and encouragement in their book, Famous at Home: 7 Decisions to Put Your Family Center Stage in a World Competing for Your Time, Attention, and Identity.
John: Yeah. And that forms the basis of our conversation today. And if you missed the first part, uh, yesterday, get a copy from us here. We have the audio available for you online through our app, and also of course through podcasts. Uh, we also have the video at YouTube. So wherever you go, uh, catch that first part of this discussion. And, uh, if you’d like to find out more about the Straubs and this terrific resource Famous at Home, uh, our website is focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. And now here’s part two of the conversation with Josh and Christi on today’s episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
Jim: Let’s talk about the seven decisions to put your Family Center stage. We don’t need to do them all, but, you know, yeah, let’s describe a couple of those or mention all seven then dig into one or two.
Dr. Josh Straub: Yeah, yeah. So we really hone in on with these seven decisions, and, and again, if you get the book, you’ll, you’ll be able to walk through each of the decisions. I, I personally believe, and I think as we, as we hone in on, on our children in this one, one of those decisions is prioritizing or getting, entering your child’s world. So it’s spending 20 minutes a day of command free time with your kids. And that comes out of, um, Stanley Greenspan’s research on floor time where you enter your child’s world in a way where you’re not dictating the play, you’re not commanding what we do.
Jim: Floor time.
Josh: Floor time.
Jim: I like that.
Josh: You- you’re entering… You can do this with teenagers, you can do this with children. Stanley Greenspan’s research is on infants and, and in the early years, but you can do this with any of your children at any specific age. And we have seen this over and over and over again. Especially if you have multiple children. Again, it comes back to feeling seen.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: Our kids want to feel seen.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: And this is one of those where we say, “Hey, if you take 20 minutes a day and you just enter into a child’s world and do what they want to do, they feel seen.” And we see behavior change from this in so many different instances.
Christi: Yeah. We just went through this ’cause we just moved and our three-year-old who’s just acting out like we got to our new place and it was just-
Josh: He’s also in a terrible threes-
Christi: Yeah, ugh.
Jim: The terrible three? (laughs)
Josh: So we know that.
Jim: I thought that was the twos.
Josh: Yeah, it’s not, it’s threes. (laughs)
Christi: We- well, you think it’s the three, at least in our house.
Josh: Yeah.
Christi: It’s the three-year-olds.
Josh: It’s always been the threes for us.
Christi: But it was just like, “What is up with him?” Like where, where is all this behavior coming from? And I don’t know. It’s like, it just slapped us upside the head where we realized… I mean, we homeschool, so I think we’ve been paying attention to the 11 and nine-year-olds ’cause we have, you know-
Josh: Yeah.
Christi: … keep coming up with their school and they’re-
Jim: It’s a little more demanding in a different way.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: Yeah.
Christi: And they’re very much aware of the move and, you know, all of the change. And they’re part of it with us. Whereas the three-year-old, I mean, everything in his life just changed and I don’t-
Josh: He’s been along for the ride.
Christi: He’s just been along for the ride.
Jim: Right.
Christi: And-
Jim: Unseen.
Christi: Yes.
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: And then we just realized it was like, “I think he just needs time with us.” Like-
Josh: We realized this through an argument, let’s be honest.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: We got in an argument-
Josh: With each other, yeah.
Christi: … about…
Josh: About his behavior.
Jim: (laughing)
Josh: Yeah.
Christi: Because he was causing so much disruption in our home. And, and it was like-
Josh: So we started blaming each other.
Christi: Right. It was his fault.
Josh: It was Christi’s fault.
Jim: Of course he’s taking after Josh.
Christi: (laughing) He acts like this because of you. But it was, it was like, “Oh my goodness, he just needs us.” And so like, let’s… What if we just focus on just being with him? Like… And the 20 minutes of command free time, it’s actually really hard for me as a mom, I’ll be honest. Like, ’cause it means they dictate the play. Like I’m used to being mom and being like, “Hey bud, let’s do like… How about you do this?” Like, pull to the table.”
Josh: “Do something I like.”
Christi: “Let’s do art. Let’s draw. Let’s paint. Let’s whatever.” And it’s just, “Oh, he wants to play trains again, again. And I’m always Percy. And, you know, (laughing) it’s like… And we-
Jim: There’s nothing really stimulating here.
Christi: It’s just not. And yet-
Jim: That’s the point.
Christi: And yet it’s, we have watched within like a week’s time. I mean, he’s a different kid.
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: And it was like proving it again like they just want you. And especially in the such times of, you know, chaos and disruption. And so it was just a really… This was just this week, so it was a really-
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: … healthy reminder.
Josh: And the whole idea behind Famous at Home, and we, we talk about this all the time on our podcast is… I always end with this is the greatest red carpet you’ll ever walk is through your front door.
Christi: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Yeah.
Josh: Because you realize you are to your children.
Jim: Yeah.
Josh: You are famous. And, and, and that’s why you hear your kids say, “Mommy, play with me. Daddy play with me. Play with me. Play with me.” Or you know, and, and, and we’re constantly busy, but they… We are here… we are their heroes and they just long for time with us. And I think even if we can just give into that 20, 30 minutes, you know, a day and say, “You know what this is…” And for me, I’ve actually started scheduling it. Yeah, I started to actually put it on my calendar to schedule ’cause I realized I was scheduling all my work stuff.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: And scheduling everybody else.
Jim: Yeah.
Josh: But I’m actually not scheduling them and I need to do that.
Jim: You know, that, that came home to me. Not on the scheduling side, but, but the recognition of the red carpet. I like that vision.
Josh: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And you know, in this role I get to meet a lot of important people and I, I would go meet the president.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: I mean, fill it in, W or whomever it might have been.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: Especially when the kids were young during-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: … that administration I’d, I, I’d have that meeting in Washington, fly back, gather my luggage, come back to the house. And what I looked so forward to more than the meeting with the president, honestly was Trent and Troy running out of the house-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: … grabbing my leg and me monster walking them in.
Josh: Yeah.
Christi: Yeah. (laughing)
Josh: It’s so good.
Jim: And they’re laughing and giggling.
Josh: Yeah.
Jim: They’re sitting on my lap and we’re talking and tickling. And-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: … that was far, far better.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: No offense to any president, but-
Josh: Yeah. No, but it’s so true.
Jim: You know, that’s, that’s where I just loved it.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: I really… And it was genuine.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: And at the end of life.
Jim: Oh, man.
Josh: You’re not gonna regret that you… You know?
Jim: No.
Josh: Didn’t meet a president.
Jim: Right. (laughing)
Josh: You’re gonna regret that you weren’t there. And I think that’s the thing that for us, we really want to champion for all families is to say, let’s really turn our heads inward-
Jim: Yeah.
Josh: … to our greatest fans.
Jim: Let me ask you another thing that… Again, it just was a great nugget I caught in the book on vectoring. I love…
Josh: Huh.
Jim: Jean and I binge… This is, should be a non-confession, (laughing) but we like binge Air Disaster, that series.
Christi: I’ve never heard of it.
Jim: (laughing) I don’t know why.
Josh: I haven’t heard of it either.
Jim: But I’m telling you it’s always pilot error or-
Josh: Yeah.
Jim: Ice on the wings. I don’t know. (laughing).
Christi: Oh.
Jim: But, you know, we’ll watch three or four shows. “Okay, you ready for bed? Okay, let’s go to bed.” But, um, in that, I mean there’s a lot of vectoring discussion and so I know it, but describe for the listener or the viewer what vectoring is for a pilot and how you apply that to the parenting.
Josh: Yeah. Because vectoring, I mean it… What what ends up happening is, is a pilot is going to vector, which means they’re gonna make sma- a small degree turn over time that will eventually get that plane to its destination.
Jim: So they’re not making a drastic-
Josh: They’re not making a drastic like right or left hand turn that just, you know, takes the drinks and the food and throws it everywhere.
Jim: (laughs)
Josh: And you know, you’re like, it is hard right. And I think sometimes we try to do that in our family where it’s like we make these decisions and we, we make… we come home and we have this aha moment.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: Maybe we learn it somewhere, we listen to it on the broadcast and we try to make this drastic… and everybody feels whiplashed in the house ’cause it’s like, “You know what, tonight from now on we’re having dinner every single night at 6:00 and this is wh- We’re gonna talk about this, and this, and this and this.” And everybody feels like whiplash. But just this whole idea that if you take just one small degree of change.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: You know, just find that one-
Jim: Hmm.
Josh: … one principle you heard on today’s broadcast, just take one thing and just begin to implement it and that over time you will start to see a change in the direction that your family is heading in.
Jim: Yeah. That, that’s really good. And I think, you know, again, so often we think we gotta do this drastic thing.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: To feel like we’re actually accomplishing it.
Josh: 20 minutes of command-
Jim: Yeah.
Josh: … free time a day with your kids.
Jim: Yeah.
Josh: 15 minutes a day of-
Jim: Exactly.
Josh: … talking about emotions with your spouse. These things are simple and doable and they have a different destination.
Christi: They transform over time. Like that’s the thing with vectoring, you end up in a completely different place.
Jim: Plus it’s a cool word.
Christi: Plus it’s a cool word.
Josh: It’s a cool word. It is so good.
Christi: But I just think it gives a lot of grace. Like I’m a type A. You know, it’s like I’m the one who like, I’ve learned the things and I’m like, “We’re gonna do them all. All of them at the same time.”
Jim: Because if we don’t, we’re failing.
Christi: Right. Totally. It’s like I have 18 goals now and we’re going to now therefore miss every single one. And so that’s another thing we just start with one. If that’s like emotional like connection with your kids again, like you just wanna get into their world.
Jim: Right.
Christi: Let’s start with that goal and vector just a little bit toward that because you can’t come in all guns ablazing. Like nobody feels safe. Relationships aren’t like that.
Jim: Yeah. And you know what’s interesting there though? And it catches me. How did you get there? Because you’re saying, you know, “I was the eight-point person.”
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: “When I got eight things to do, I did all eight.”
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: “Because that’s where I felt I got my sticker.
Christi: Right. But that… But then I failed at all eight.
Jim: Yeah, right. (laughs).
Christi: ‘Cause you can’t aim at eight things and, and achieve them. And so that’s where we realized we talked about-
Jim: Wow.
Christi: … in Famous at Home is set your first goal.
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: Like start with one because goodness knows not one single parent out there needs another thing to add to their mental load of everything we’re not doing quite well enough or could be doing a little bit better. So what is the one thing, like we just say… Like, what’s the first goal? And for me, that was taking care of me.
Jim: Huh.
Christi: Like that was taking care of myself. And so mine was, I had to wake up early. Like I know… It’s so simple. But I had to wake up before the kids. So I had time with the Lord. I had time to really process and get to the bottom of how I was because I really didn’t know ’cause I wasn’t giving any time to it. So when I started, that’s where I started was waking up early. And as silly as that sounds, um, over time that changed a whole lot for me.
Josh: So if you go back to decision number one as Christi is talking about, you know, it’s really about showing up as the best version of you ’cause we talked about becoming. Like how do we become? So it kind of really wraps up okay, how, who are we becoming as an adult and vectoring? And so for us it’s just finding what is that one thing. And Christi alluded to waking up early. For me, it’s working out. The very first thing that… ’cause I knew when I wake up in the morning, if I don’t get up early enough and wait… and work out first and I don’t get my stuff done first, and I’m waking up with the kids and you know, and, and the toddler and everything is going… Like, I just am not the best version of me waking up.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: Because I, in my brain, I’m already behind on everything else I need to get done. And so I’m not waking up with this sense of… You know, whereas if I wake up and I work out first, I wake up with this sense of like, “Good morning, everybody. How are you doing? How’s your day? What can I get for you? Can we get some breakfast?” You know? And, and I’m, and I’m now… Rather than trying to chase down what I need to get done, I’m chasing down how I can serve everybody else. And I’m just showing up as a better version of me in the home for everybody else. And it shifts the atmosphere.
Jim: Right.
Josh: And so-
Jim: I’m laughing the… I’m thinking of the kids going, “Mommy, daddy is acting funny.”
Christi: Yeah. (laughing)
Jim: “He wants to make pancakes.” No, that’s good. I love that. I was just echoing-
Christi: “What happens to dad?”
Jim: … in my head.
Josh: “What happens to dad?” That’s right.
Jim: Yeah. “What’s wrong with daddy?” (laughing)
Christi: He, he did start cooking.
Jim: No, that’s good.
Christi: And that’s been like… Even that’s been a revelation and it’s because it’s come out of us learning how to care for us.
Jim: Yeah, yeah. No, that’s all good.
Christi: And it’s been good.
John: What a fun conversation with Josh and Christi Straub on today’s episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Our topic has been, uh, the family obviously, and we’ve centered on their book called Famous at Home: 7 Decisions to Put Your Family Center Stage in a World Competing for Your Time, Attention, and Identity. Let me urge you to get a copy of this resource. Uh, you can learn more when you stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or give us a call 800, the letter A and the word, FAMILY. And now the conclusion of Jim’s conversation with Josh and Christi on today’s Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
Jim: Another one of the seven decisions is decision three listed in the book, but it’s, uh, about your emotions, emotional intelligence, uh, something I learned in business school.
Josh: Yeah.
Jim: We talked a lot about of it back then, but what is emotional intelligence and why is it important?
Josh: Yeah, for me, I, I really go back to what, uh, Peter Scizzero talks about in emotionally healthy spirituality, emotionally healthy church that you can only be as spiritually mature as you are emotionally mature. And when you look at emotion research and you look at who we’re becoming, our ability to be able to identify what it is we’re feeling is a reflection of how well I can step into the shoes of another person and identify what they’re feeling. ‘Cause if I can’t step into Christi’s shoes and identify and see her feeling, uh, or if I can’t see my own, how am I gonna see hers? And so this really comes down to, and I love the way Paul describes this. I love the way that, uh, research describes this. Our brains grow from the, uh, bottom to the top and the right to the left. So the bottom is the amygdala. That’s the fight, flight or freeze response. That’s our quick to anger, quick to speak. You know, we’re gonna fight or flee the situation. But the higher functioning parts of the brain, behind the eyes are your high prefrontal cortex. That’s the higher functioning parts of the brain. Uh, emotion regulation, cognitive flexibility.
Jim: Judgment.
Josh: Social skills. Yeah. Self-control of fruit of the Spirit. Right? It’s like, you know… And so… But that part of the brain doesn’t fully develop until we hit about the age of 25, which is why rental car companies are smarter than politicians.
Jim: (laughing) Right.
Josh: But, um, but, but as parents we have the ability as we enter into our kids’ worlds to build that part of the brain. And, and the reason is because the brain also goes from the right to the left. So the right side of your brain, that’s the here and now experiential part of the brain. That’s what you’re feeling in the moment. The left side is your linguistic side. It’s where we put language to what it is we’re experiencing. And the middle part of the brain’s, the corpus callosum, I like to call it the binding of the book. Because what we’re doing, we all have a story to tell, but when we fail to identify and put language to what it is we’re experiencing in the moment, we have what’s called a disintegrated brain. And we can’t identify therefore what we’re feeling or how that person made me feel. And, and, and we have a lapse in judgment then on people around us, situations, all that type of thing. And so for us, this is why we, we have a children’s book called What Am I Feeling? And getting out feelings charts is because our ability to identify what it is we’re feeling and connect it to experiences in our story is what wires our brain. Not just for connection, but also for problem solving, self-control and the like. And so this is why we talk about decision number three, talk about emotions is to make emotional vocabulary common in your home. Yeah. Not just in your marriage, but also with your children.
Jim: Yeah, it’s good. In fact, Christi, I think you had an example in the book with your daughter Kennedy.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: Who was uh, you know, kind of acting out a little bit.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: And you put this to work. How how’d that go?
Christi: She’s our deep feeler, but she’s also our, um, our one who she’ll keep it in for a while.
Jim: Huh?
Christi: Similar to mom. (laughs) Funny.
Jim: (laughs)
Christi: Um, until it explodes. But yeah, she was… There was one day she was just acting out and it was… Which is uncharacteristic for her.
Jim: Okay.
Christi: Disobedience isn’t really her thing. Um, and so at, what… at bedtime I was finally like, “Honey, what is going on? Like, I’m trying to get to the bottom of… ‘Cause this isn’t you.” And it just… It all came out in tears of how she had been… we’d been at a birthday party and she’d been rejected by these girls. They’d excluded her and shut the door and not allowed her to come in. And um, she felt so rejected.
Jim: Hmm.
Christi: And I had pulled out… Part of that story is I had pulled out a feelings chart ’cause she was pretty young at the time. And so it was like, point to what you’re feeling. And she pointed to angry and then she pointed to sad.
Jim: Huh.
Christi: And it was this connection where she even realized her own anger that was coming out at me was actually this, this deep sadness ’cause she had-
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: … been rejected by these little girls. And, you know, so often we just miss that because we correct or we discipline away the behavior thinking that our kids are just being bratty, I think.
Jim: Right.
Christi: And so often… I mean, I don’t… I think we’ve all heard that sign. It’s not, our kids aren’t giving us a hard time. They’re having a hard time. And I would say it, there’s a lot of truth. And for all of us we know.
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Christi: I’m not reacting because I’m just trying to disobey. I’m reacting because I, I’m really hurting by… There’s something hurting in me. And that’s been… it was just really powerful for us as a family to recognize the power of naming emotion. We talk about it in marriage, we… on the last episode. But it’s just, this is important for our kids.
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: But so many of us never learned it as kids. So we’re learning it alongside of them. And for some, like if this is new to you, like a feelings chart is silly. It appears silly. It’s faces that just meant-
Jim: Yeah, happy face.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: I used to draw them for the kids.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: Because I didn’t have the chart.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: I should have gone online. That’s how, you know, dense I was. But I’d put up all the faces that I could think of.
Christi: Yeah, yeah.
Jim: Embarrassment.
Christi: Yeah, yeah.
Jim: Draw embarrassment.
Christi: Yeah. Good.
Jim: I tried to.
Christi: Embarrassment… And that’s like…
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: I mean, that’s a deep one.
Jim: Yeah. But-
Christi: When you’re embarrassed, like we react in crazy ways.
Jim: Oh, yeah. And I think the point of that is I’m thinking of teenagers-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: … that are really screaming for that.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: You know, when we look at it, it’s rejection with their friend group, with school. Something that was embarrassing and we pounce on it as parents ’cause we’re seeing defiant behavior. And what they really need is someone to hear them and understand. And the problem with that though, Christi, is they need help to be able to express it.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: ‘Cause they don’t even know what it is sometimes.
Christi: Yeah, yeah.
Jim: Even teenagers.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: Yeah. So that’s –
Christi: Even us.
Jim: Yeah. (laughs)
Christi: And that’s why people put up a, a feelings chart. There’s one couple, they’re like, “We actually put it in our closet. Don’t tell anyone.” But we put it up in our closet because we’re all learning this. And that’s what the, I think the gift is, is that we’re living in a generation that’s at least a little more aware and willing to talk about emotion.
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: And I think that’s really healthy.
Jim: I think that’s been a great thing-
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: … for the culture. You know, you go back to the, you know, the builders.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: The boomers.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: That kind of thing. It’s like, “Ah, we don’t talk about nothing.”
Christi: Right.
Jim: Christi, let me ask you this. And you know, the shoe goes on either foot on this, the husband, wife.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: But, you know, typically someone spontaneous in the relationship. The other one is the kind of the planner.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: And talk about arguing. (laughs).
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: You know? And for me, me and Jean, I’m the spontaneous guy. She’s the planner. Very methodical. I always laugh. People know that have listened to the program, she’s a chemistry grad. So I’m the marketing grad. So you can imagine it even fit in what we did vocationally that way. But you know, uh, that can cause a lot of grief.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: And really in the end we’re probably some of both.
Christi: Yeah.
Jim: But what was your experience with that?
Christi: Yeah. Well, it was interesting because as a new mom, I think I railed against everything that was structured. Like all of the… I think my life felt so out of control that I was like, “Oh, let’s just go with the flow. Like, let’s just be spontaneous. I can’t, I can’t control anything. Like I can’t-”
Jim: I affirm you in that. (laughing)
Christi: I can’t control these. They don’t sleep when I want them to sleep. They don’t. So I was like, let’s just be spontaneous and go with the flow. And then it was, Josh came in, you know, and he’s quite structured and it was like, “I think we need to develop some rhythms in this family, you know?”
Jim: (laughing).
Christi: And I was like, “I don’t know when I get breakfast.” So like, (laughs) I don’t know when I’m gonna ever get time for myself. So it felt like a pipe dream, I guess. And-
Jim: Impossible to attain.
Christi: Really.
Jim: Yeah. I get it.
Christi: Truly. And so that was really what happened for me is I remember going on Pinterest and I saw this woman and she has this like organization binder for her cleaning schedule.
Jim: The fact she has a binder.
Christi: An, uh… Thank you. I was like-
Jim: Like, “What?” (laughing).
Christi: This is so… Like, it just… And then all the shame message-
Jim: Did you say, “Get a life”? (laughing)
Christi: Like all the shame alarm bells in my head are going off. Like I’ve… I don’t even know last time I cleaned my bathroom. But, uh-
Jim: See that’s the difference though. I think it’s-
Christi: Much less on a schedule.
Jim: Like men and women, I go, “Oh my gosh, get a life.” You go, “Okay, where did I miss it?”
Christi: No, totally.
Jim: I’m like, “Forget it.”
Christi: And I was just… So I think I was railing against that. But what basically happened over these last, you know, those decade of years, we realized we really did need rhythms. Like I needed rhythms.
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: I needed some sort of rhythm of predictability ’cause you go crazy if every day looks different and you go crazy if every day looks exact same. And so this has been the process of putting into practice rhythms in our weeks. And that’s been the probably the saving grace of our family, of, of giving the kids, especially, you know, when the world went crazy, um, when we switched to homeschooling. Like just so much instability. It gave us this sort of pattern to our days-
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: … and our weeks. And I’ve come to love it now. (laughing)
Jim: Yeah.
Christi: I still do not-
Jim: I love that little caveat.
Christi: … have a cleaning binder though, I will tell you that.
Jim: How big is your cleaning binder?
Christi: Uh, non-existent. It doesn’t exist.
Jim: Hey, Josh, in that regard, I mean, how… I mean, being a structured person, I can’t imagine what that’s like. (laughing)
Josh: Yeah, Yeah.
Jim: But I mean in that, in that… Seeing that and applying rhythms and talking to Christi about it, I mean, that, that’s gotta be a bit of a dance.
Josh: Yeah.
Jim: When you have unstructured and structured coming together.
Josh: Well, and I think it took a little bit of time because, you know, some of this rhythm stuff for me came from a group, you know, same, you know, Jeremy Pryor, you know, group of guys that I do life with, who really started mentoring me in this whole idea of rhythms. Going back to Genesis chapter 1, I mean, rhythms were God’s idea. I mean, you know, you, you even look at every single day, at the end of the day, God is saying it is good. He’s looking back on what He did and what He created and celebrating every single day. I mean-
Jim: Well, and there’s so many rhythms in life, in nature that He created.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: So many rhythms. And, and, and the first one that we really started honing in on as a family was Sabbath. Because that was the rhythm that He created. As soon as He created Adam and Eve, what did Adam and Eve do, the first day they were alive? They rested. You know, God allows… He gifts us rest. It’s a gift from God. And yet I don’t think we’re taking it in our culture. We don’t take it seriously. We’re like, “Wow. Well, that’s an Old Testament type of thing.” And, and in the reality is, is I think it’s been the single greatest rhythm we’ve implemented in our family-
Jim: Huh.
Josh: … is, is Sabbath.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: And, and we started there. And, and it took some time to implement and do. But now we are, we were at a point where… And if you read this in the book, we have every single day of the week named because we have this rhythm in our home where it’s almost like a bell curve where it’s like we go really, really hard, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. By Thursday we start to come down off of it. We schedule Thursday nights as our date nights. You know, Friday is coming down into Sabbath. And then Saturday is when we Sabbath and then Sunday is starting ramp back up again. And we do that so that our kids are… They understand what the rhythm is.
Jim: Well, and they get a rhythm.
Christi: Yeah.
Josh: They get a rhythm. They have a rhythm and, and, and it’s just something. And of course there’s times where, you know, it gets botched a little bit, but we always keep defending the rhythm and we keep coming back to it because it’s what brings our family life. It’s what keeps our family sane in a lot of ways. And it’s what also keeps us connected to be very honest.
Jim: What name would you give Tuesday?
Josh: Tough Tuesday.
Christi: Tough Tuesday.
Jim: Tough Tuesday. That’s a good name.
Josh: It’s the biggest. It’s, it’s, it’s the, it’s the height of the bell curve. It’s the day that we are… If, if, if I’m working late or if I schedule-
Jim: yeah.
Josh: … any meetings late, the kids know like that’s the day that, that, that’s the height of the-
Jim: That’s Tough Tuesday.
Josh: That’s Tough Tuesday.
Christi: We love Tough Tuesday.
Jim: That is really good.
Christi: But it… And again, like I’m the one who railed against it because I was like, “This just feels like us cleaning binder.” But it has given us so much life. And I’ve realized, ’cause now Fridays, we clean on Fridays because we have a Sabbath on Saturday and it’s really nice to be in a clean home on a weekend where you can…
Jim: That’s true.
Christi: For a mom, all the moms are like, “Mm-hmm.” You can’t rest. And so it’s just changed how we’ve structured our life, but it’s, what it’s done is it’s grounded our kids and us.
Jim: Man, that rhythm concept sounds like a great idea, don’t you think?
John: I think it provides structure and it’s the kind of thing that, yeah, I, I wish we had more of as a family.
Jim: Well, there’s so much good stuff in Josh and Christi’s book, Famous at Home: 7 Decisions to Put Your Family Center Stage in a World Competing for Your Time, Attention, and Identity. So get a copy from us here at the ministry. When you make a monthly pledge of any amount to Focus, we’ll say thank you by getting this book right out to you. Famous at Home is a great tool for your marriage and for your parenting. And I hope you’ll partner with us so we can share this tool with even more families.
John: We’d love to hear from you. And a monthly pledge would be great or a one-time gift. Whatever you can afford. Our number is 800, the letter A, and the word, FAMILY. 800-232-6459. Or of course you can donate at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. We’re also gonna have our free 7 Traits of Effective Parenting Assessment online. Uh, this is a terrific tool to help you determine what’s working well in the family. Kind of a pressure check, a pulse check. It’s gonna offer you suggestions about how you can improve the relationships, where it matters most in the home. And then finally, we’d love to have you stop by our Colorado Springs campus. Uh, if you happen to be coming through Colorado or anywhere near, uh, swing by the Springs, and say hi to us and, uh, enjoy time in our wonderful welcome center and our terrific bookstore. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.
