Preview:

Laura Petherbridge: So I had to learn, “Laura, this is his child. This is the mother’s child. This is not your child. You don’t get to dictate this. If the parents are okay with this, you have to let this go.”

Jim Daly: Yeah.

Laura: “This is not a hill to die on.”

End of Preview

John Fuller: Welcome to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Uh, today we’re gonna hear from author and stepmom, Laura Petherbridge, about the unique challenges facing stepfamilies. This is gonna be a really insightful conversation, and we’re so glad you joined us. I’m John Fuller.

Jim: You know, John, when you think about it, to create a child, you need product from mom and dad. That’s the way it is. Now, unfortunately, fewer and fewer dads are part of the equation in many households today. And I myself grew up in a single parent mom home. My mom and dad divorced when I was five, and she remarried to my stepdad only for a year and a half. And then my mom died when I was nine.

John: Mm.

Jim: So I kind of experienced that whole blur of family types early in my life. But when you think about it, so many families are, um, you know, experiencing disruption, if I could call it that.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: The divorce rate for stepfamilies is actually higher than their original, uh, marriage.

John: Mm.

Jim: It runs about 60 to 70%. And we know that stepparenting presents a lot of unique challenges for children and for the marriage. And yet, Scripture itself is full of stepfamilies. You know, you think about that. Jesus was born (laughs) into a stepfamily, right?

Laura: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Uh, He was the stepson-

Laura: Oh, yeah.

Jim: … of Joseph. And so you think about that, you go, “Wow.” So we’re gonna talk today about that rather commonplace. I was gonna say unique, but it’s not that unique any longer. And what are some ways to see that privilege of being in that next family? And what do you do as a mom and a dad and a husband and a wife to do the best you can do in that environment?

John: Mm-hmm. And our guest, Laura Petherbridge, has been here before. It’s been a while. Uh, we’re so glad to have her back because she’s so genuine and has such great insights personally on the topic. She’s known as the Smart Stepmom and, uh, has written a number of books about marriage and stepfamily relationships. She’s been studying and living this topic for decades. And, uh, today we’re gonna draw from the wisdom in her book, Stepfamilies of the Bible: Timeless Wisdom for Blended Families.

Jim: Laura, welcome back to Focus on the Family, coming all the way from Atlanta.

Laura: Yes.

Jim: Thanks for making that trek.

Laura: Thank you.

Jim: We have great friends in Atlanta. We love that location.

Laura: Yeah.

Jim: It’s really special.

Laura: Yes, I do too. (laughs)

Jim: Yeah, I’m sure. Uh, you described your stepfamily experience as riding in every seat on the bus. Describe that because I was-

Laura: (laughs)

Jim: … I asked my wife this morning reading the prep in the book, you know, what did she think of that? And she goes, “Oh, I get it, you know. The good kids sit in the front.”

Laura: Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Jim: “And the not so good kids sit in the back.”

Laura: (laughs)

Jim: I don’t know that… I never rode the bus to school. So is that what you do, John?

John: Uh, yes-

Jim: (laughs)

John: … although, uh, I was a school bus driver for a while.

Jim: Oh my gosh.

Laura: (laughs)

John: And the problem kids often sat right behind me.

Jim: (laughs)

Laura: Or they were made to. (laughs)

Jim: So what did, what did you mean by it?

Laura: Well, I grew up in a stepfamily.

Jim: Mm.

Laura: So my parents divorced when I was eight.

Jim: Mm.

Laura: My dad remarried two more times.

Jim: Wow.

Laura: So I had two stepmoms.

John: Oh.

Laura: And my mom was in a relationship, which, with somebody that I call my stepdad. They never got married, but he was in my life from the time I was 15.

Jim: Wow.

Laura: And he just died a few years ago. So he was a huge presence in my life, even though they were not legally married.

Jim: You know, looking back on all that, h- how did you survive all that? I mean, emotionally, obviously physically, but how did you survive that emotionally? I mean-

Laura: It was very, very hard. And I didn’t even know it was hard until I got older. And see, when I myself became a stepmom to two boys, they were 11 and 13.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Laura: And when I met my husband, I thought, “Oh, this’ll be a breeze.”

Jim: Right. (laughs)

Laura: You know, I’ve been in a stepfamily. I know how complicated it is. I know what to do and not do based on what I experienced. I just didn’t know what I didn’t know, that it was going to be so different as a stepmother than it was as a stepchild.

Jim: Yeah. And I’m sure you felt equipped being a stepchild-

Laura: (laughs) Yes.

Jim: That you knew what to do.

Laura: I did.

Jim: You knew how to express it. You knew how to build that bridge of love, but expectations have a way of crumbling down, don’t they?

Laura: That was a sure reality call. I mean-

Jim: How old were the, the children of your husband when you married?

Laura: They were 11 and 13.

Jim: 11 and 13. So that was, that’s kind of a tough age as well.

Laura: It was. Steve’s a little bit older than I am, so his kids were, you know, his kids were adolescent teenage years. And, you know, they had a mother. They did not need another.

John: Mm.

Laura: And so in that time, people didn’t push as much for a stepmom to be another mother.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Laura: Uh, it was more acceptable for the stepmom not to be as in the middle of the circle and in the middle of the discipline and all of that. That has completely changed.

John: Hmm.

Laura: In the 40 years that I’ve been a stepmom, in the 30 years I’ve been working in divorce recovery and stepfamilies, the whole mantra or explanation of what stepfamilies, how they should function and what they should look like is completely different than when I started at this. And so to be honest with you, it’s much more complex than it was.

Jim: Is it better?

Laura: No.

Jim: Or worse?

Laura: It’s worse.

Jim: It’s worse for those reasons?

Laura: For those reasons. There is an impression, especially on social media now, that a stepmother should be in the exact same role as a biological mother.

Jim: Huh.

Laura: And that is not only unrealistic, it’s painful.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: Because you’re trying to live up to an expectation that you have no control over.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: Because the child is the person that dictates how close of a relationship the stepparent and the stepchild will have. Now, can a stepparent do things to make it a good relationship or a bad relationship? Absolutely.

Jim: Right.

Laura: Absolutely. But in the long run, I often say you could be the Mother Teresa of stepparents and have your stepchild still want nothing to do with you.

John: Mm.

Jim: You know, and one of the greatest difficulties with that, and, you know, again, there’s reasons to dislike a stepparent as a child, probably some solid reasons. Then there’s just the emotional side of it. “You will never be my father.”

Laura: Yes.

Jim: “You will never be my mother.” And that’s coming out of pain.

Laura: Yes.

Jim: Out of the loss, the grief that they’ve experienced. They lost their family.

Laura: Yep.

Jim: Right? And you step into that role as a stepparent. How do you manage that in a mature way to be able to take those arrows and understand this is coming from a child’s heart, that if they had more understanding, more wisdom, more years under their belt, they probably would do better emotionally. But how do you get into a framework as a stepmom, for example, to be able to absorb that energy from them and the negativity and still use wisdom to do the right things?

Laura: There are two things that I normally recommend right up front. First of all is to become very educated on children of divorce or children who live in two homes.

Jim: Mm.

Laura: See, that’s more common to say today, because less and less people are getting divorced, but more and more people are cohabitating.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: And so you often have a co-parenting situation where the child is going between two homes. So reading resources and getting educated on what goes through the mind of a child when neither home is really their only home.

Jim: Mm.

Laura: And that’s very confusing in a child’s mind. You know, they have a pet in one home, they don’t in the other. There are rules in one home, there aren’t in the other. “I go to school this way at this home. I go to school different. My homework is this way in one.” See, there are so many things that are different.

John: Yeah.

Laura: So the first thing a stepparent needs to do is understand how does that affect the brain of this child going back and forth? The second thing is, I found this to be surprising when it happened to me, but I have now found it to be very common, is discovering how the rejection or the complexities of a stepchild trigger my own childhood pain.

John: Mm.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: See, when my stepsons would do things that would hurt me, even when they were just young and, you know, just doing kid stuff, it would trigger me in a way that was so strong and so much more than if I was a biological parent. And what it did is it caused me to say to God, “What is happening here? Why am I resenting them? Why am I so angry?” And He had to show me, “Laura, this is you. It’s triggering what you lived as a kid.”

Jim: That can be hard to confront.

Laura: It is.

Jim: You know, that woundedness that you feel and the triggers that are being touched or pushed, and you’ve got to better understand, “Okay, where is that coming from in me?”

Laura: Exactly.

Jim: Right?

Laura: And see, the natural reaction is to blame the child.

Jim: Right.

Laura: “If you would just be nicer to me, if you wouldn’t disrespect me, if you wouldn’t be so rude, if you would say hello when you walk in the door, if you would just accept all the nice things I’m trying to do for you, I made your favorite cookies, what more do you want?” You know, that’s where we naturally in our humanness go when someone hurts us.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: So that is really a huge piece of overcoming the pain of being a stepparent.

Jim: That seems to be the common thread of this life. (laughs)

Laura: It does.

Jim: Knowing… I don’t care if you’re in an intact biological family or a stepfamily or a foster family, all these things are triggering things in us. And the goal is how do we drive closer to Christ, become more Christlike, understanding our weaknesses and our sinfulness in that process so we can become better people. I mean, that, that’s the human endeavor for the one that’s pursuing God.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: You know, uh, you mentioned making cookies. Uh, one of the questions I wanna ask you is, of course, you came in, you were a healthy mom. You wanted to be the healthy mom. And the two boys that you became a stepmother to, they weren’t quite ready for your healthy cooking, but what happened there?

Laura: Yeah. You know, I grew up in such a different home where you ate what was on your plate.

Jim: Didn’t we all?

Laura: And it’s not like I was a crunchy mom. It’s not like I was like granola mom. It was, because that wasn’t popular yet. Um, but I didn’t understand why they weren’t sitting down to turkey and mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving because my mother said that has… “You don’t get a choice. I’m not making a second meal.”

Jim: (laughs)

John: “That’s the menu.”

Laura: And so this was so hard for me to wrap my brain around that they were able to dictate what they were going to eat on their own. They were kids. Why isn’t any adult telling them (laughs) that they can’t eat like that?

Jim: Let me guess, it was pizza?

Laura: Yes.

Jim: Yeah. (laughs)

Laura: Yes. Pizza, you know, spaghetti.

John: Hot dogs.

Jim: Spaghetti?

Laura: Hot dogs.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: Mac and cheese.

Jim: Yeah. Perfect.

Laura: And so my brain just couldn’t go there. And unfortunately, it made me view my husband as weak-

Jim: Oh.

Laura: … and wimpy.

John: Hmm.

Laura: And that caused me to disrespect him.

Jim: Oh, yeah.

Laura: So I had to learn, “Laura, this is his child. This is the mother’s child. This is not your child. You don’t get to dictate this. If the parents are okay with this, you have to let this go.”

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: “This is not a hill to die on.”

John: Mm. Well, this is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, and our guest today is Laura Petherbridge. And, uh, we’re talking about some of the really, really good content in her book, Stepfamilies of the Bible: Timeless Wisdom for Blended Families. And of course, there’s so much more here. She has such a personal story. And, uh, we’re gonna encourage you to get the book from us here at the ministry when you stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim: Laura, let me ask you about the stepmom’s sense of guilt and shame. I mean, you, you probably go to bed almost every night thinking, “I didn’t do that well.” And again, moms generally are so ordered to put that on their shoulders first. I think men, we have such egos (laughs) that we’re like, “It’s the other guy’s fault.”

Laura: Yeah. (laughs)

Jim: But moms and wives, “What did I do wrong?” is that common comment that they make. So in that idea of guilt and shame for, for those stepmoms, how can the church be more supportive? What can friends do? What do we say to them that can encourage them?

Laura: Well, the worst thing you can say to them, I’ll go to the opposite direction-

Jim: Okay.

Laura: … is that you’re not a real mom, especially if you don’t have biological children, you know?

Jim: Uh-huh.

Laura: I have numerous people that’ll say to a childless stepmom, “Well, you’re not a real mother.” And, you know, that’s painful because you’re doing all the mom-like things-

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: … for this child that your spouse had with another woman.

Jim: Right.

Laura: So, you know, that brings us to Hagar and Sarah, is that’s one of the reasons I wrote this, is that’s what really what God used to nudge me to write Stepfamilies of the Bible, was because one day I was reading about Sarah and Hagar and how much these two women hated each other. I mean, they wanted to claw each other’s eyes out.

Jim: Huh.

Laura: And it is so common to how a stepmom and a mom-

John: Mm.

Laura: … feel towards each other today.

Jim: Right.

Laura: Now, sometimes they get along great, but many times they don’t agree with what’s going on in the other home or how much the stepparent is stepping in or how the mom is parenting. And so you’re going to issues that are so emotional and so close to a woman’s heart that the reaction is gonna be fierce.

Jim: I would also think some of that nitpicking, if I could call it that, you know, these are just gonna be things that I can disagree with, and you feel empowered or better if… Let’s just say you’re the biological mom and you got an issue with that stepmom about the food they eat, about whatever it might be. And it’s a place where you can exert your control and your authority and your position, right?

Laura: Yes. And many times, this will sound interesting, but many times it’s dad, in that scenario where there’s a stepmom and a dad, he wants his new wife to be the mother-

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: … for his children now so much. He’s put that so much into his head, into her head, “You’re the mom, you know, I don’t like my ex-wife anymore, and I don’t like how she’s parenting, and I don’t like how she talks to me,” or whatever the issues are, that he then starts to say, “Well, you’re the real mom now.” And that puts her in such a weird position. Now, this is true for stepdads also.

Jim: Right.

Laura: But the male-female dynamic is very, very different. Men typically do not get as much angst about being a stepdad as women do about becoming a stepmom.

Jim: Now, why is that?

Laura: Men are more relaxed about it. They don’t feel nearly as much competition with the biological father.

Jim: Huh.

Laura: They may get mad at him for not showing up at the football game, not paying his child support, but they’re very practical things.

Jim: Okay.

Laura: It’s not emotional.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: He’s not saying, “Well, look at the way he dressed when he showed up to pick up the kids.”

Jim: Well, and I would think on the other side of that, that’s why he gets into the rational, “Just be their mom.”

Laura: Yes, exactly.

Jim: “We’ll manage the other part.” But the stepmom knows that there are obstacles. She’s already projecting out emotionally-

Laura: Yes.

Jim: … going, “Well, I can’t do that.”

Laura: Exactly.

Jim: “Here’s how the kids will react. Here how… Here’s how your ex-wife is gonna react.” So it gets very muddled, right?

Laura: Or she does that and it gets her into trouble.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: Because the kid is not going to like the stepparent being the one setting the boundaries, especially if the parent didn’t do that before they got married.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Yeah. So, and that’s where I was gonna go. So what does the biological parent do to help the stepparent in that environment that is biblical, appropriate, Christ-centered, all those wonderful spiritual things we could say? What is it that they can do to let off some of that pressure that stepmom might be feeling?

Laura: They have to stop dumping the parenting on the stepparent.

Jim: Hmm.

Laura: They, the biological parent has to be the parent. And the stepparent comes alongside their spouse. Because-

Jim: To support that.

Laura: That’s right.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: And again, this is stepmom or stepdad.

Jim: Yep.

Laura: Because if the stepparent tries to be more strict than the biological parent, it is going to backfire big time.

John: Mm.

Laura: They just put a bullseye on their back from both, the parent in the other home, “Don’t you dare be putting that kind of a boundary on my kid.” Or in their home where dad is, or mom are gonna say, “You’re being too strict with my child.” See, a stepparent sees this child through a different lens.

Jim: Right. (laughs)

Laura: They’re coming in from a completely different place.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Laura: A parent’s remembering when they were a baby and how sweet they are, and they give them more grace, more leeway, more chances. Where a stepparent is gonna go, “You’re not teaching that kid to be responsible. You’ve gotta be stricter.” And so that blows up.

Jim: That is so common.

Laura: It is.

Jim: That was true of my experience. Hank, our stepdad, when I was eight, I mean, he used to do a white glove test in our bedrooms every Saturday morning. He was ex-military.

Laura: Yep.

Jim: Ex-military drill sergeant, I think. So he’d come through, and I remember leaving my jacket on my bed one time, and he made me hang it up 500 times. So many people say, “You mean 50?” No, 500 times. And he had me shout out the number like a good drill sergeant.

Laura: Yes.

Jim: As he was in the, a different part of the house. I’d have to say, “Three, four.” I mean, yeah. But that was, to your point, he was saying, “This young man, this eight-year-old needs to learn how to hang up his coat. He’s old enough to do that.” But there was no affection in it.

Laura: No.

Jim: It was just drill sergeant stuff.

Laura: Yes. And sometimes stepparents are doing it from a place of affection, but they still don’t have the authority-

Jim: Mm.

Laura: … because the bond is with the parent and the child.

Jim: How do you even begin to work that out?

John: Mm.

Jim: I mean, again, I’m thinking of Hank and my mom, just as an example.

Laura: Yes.

Jim: Now, she had the added complication of having cancer at that time.

Laura: Mm. Mm-hmm.

Jim: I didn’t know that, and she was dying of cancer. But how would you, you know, just take it into a healthy situation? How, how would you advise her as the bio mom to coach stepdad Hank about how to take care of little Jimmy’s not hanging up his clothes?

Laura: They have to discuss that before the marriage.

Jim: Mm.

Laura: See, they have to land on the understanding that if a stepparent tries to parent the, more than the biological parent, that it is not going to go well. It is not going to endear the child to them. Now, what I will hear from the stepparent is, “Yeah, but the parent won’t do it. They’re afraid.”

Jim: So in that context, are you saying the wisdom of the moment is for the stepparent to stand down?

Laura: Yes.

Jim: And go with the biological parent’s direction-

Laura: Yes.

Jim: … even if you disagree with it?

Laura: That’s correct.

Jim: Yeah. Yeah.

Laura: Unless your own safety or the safety of your own biological children-

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: … is in jeopardy.

Jim: Mm.

Laura: There are cases where a stepparent has to stand their ground.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: But not with something like picking up your coat or doing your homework-

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: … or showing up for a basketball game. See, that’s the parent’s responsibility to make that happen.

John: Mm.

Jim: Let me ask you about, uh, the differences between the homes. You also touched on that. I’m just trying to tie some bows around this first day.

Laura: Mm-hmm.

Jim: We’re gonna come back next time and talk more. But, uh, I was privy to some research that just came out. It’s part of a documentary that we’re working on called This is a Child. And in there, one of the experts was talking about research that now indicates that children that have to go between two different homes, that they’re finding psychologically that there’s a change in the child on the drive. They’ve gotta be a certain person at bio mom’s home-

John: Mm.

Jim: … and then a different person at bio dad’s home. And again, the children are bearing the responsibility to perform and behave in that context. And it’s leading to, like, split personality issues. They’re struggling to know who they are. Very unhealthy for kids. How do stepparents and bio parents navigate that disaster?

Laura: It’s so interesting you should bring this up because I remember when the change happened, when it went from you live at mom’s house, you visit dad. That’s how my parents were divorced.

Jim: Right.

Laura: My mother’s home was home. I visited my father on the weekends. And when the laws changed, and pretty much swept across the United States at least, that it went to 50/50, I remember thinking, “This is a great idea. People will get to not- these kids will get just as much time with their dad as they did their mother.” Well, while I worked in divorce recovery and then stepfamilies, I realized I was dead wrong-

Jim: Huh.

Laura: … for exactly the reasons you are describing. The children are in much worse shape than they were. No place feels like home.

Jim: Right. So they behave accordingly.

Laura: Exactly. And a child’s brain requires consistency in order to heal in a healthy way or function or-

Jim: Huh.

Laura: … discover who I am, what my place is in the world. They say at about eight years old, that’s when a child starts thinking, “This is who I am in the world.” And see, when you’re one person at mom’s house and you’re a different person at dad’s house, the rules are so different.

“What I have to do, what I have to say or not say, you know, I’m not allowed to talk about this in this house, and I have to keep secrets in this house.” It is playing havoc on their brain. But I’ll tell you, I get very few people, I’m so glad you’re telling me there’s a statistic to prove this.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: ‘Cause I get very few people that are willing to admit that this is happening and to admit this was a mistake.

Jim: Yeah. Would you advocate for the fact… A- and again, this is helpful for parents that are in this situation, and we’re not talking about the biblical position of lifelong marriage. We agree with that. That’s the goal. That’s… We get it. Uh, divorce happens, death in marriage happens, and those things occur, and remarriage occurs for all kinds of reasons. But in that context, are you advocating to say either mother or father’s home should be the base, and this is what the core house is, and then it’s visitation to dad’s house, but that the couple work together to make sure that the kids, for the sake of the kids, that this is home base. Mom’s place is home base, and the rules there are what matter around the clock-

Laura: Yes.

Jim: … 24/7, no matter where you’re at physically.

Laura: What it requires to do this, to switch back to what we used to do that seemed to work better for the child, is the parent that doesn’t have the child Monday through Friday has to become more active in the child’s life during that time.

So let’s just use it as a scenario, like I grew up. Um, say Monday evening through Friday morning, the child is with one parent. It’s going to require the other parent to then take the child. Let’s say it’s a parent that work- doesn’t work on the weekends. They have to pick the kid up from school on Friday after school and keep them and then take them to school Monday morning. And then it’s evening the time out a little bit more than just a few hours on Sunday afternoon, plus they have to then, Wednesday night, take the kid out for pizza or Wednesday night go to the kid’s soccer game. And see, it requires more from the parent that is getting a little bit less time.

Jim: Mm.

Laura: And it doesn’t mean they’re not as active in the child’s life just because they’re not in the other home.

Jim: That’s good. Laura, this is really good stuff and there’s much, much more.

Laura: Yes.

Jim: You know, one of the things when you have a resource like your book that’s so full of good ideas and, you know, positive things that, uh, stepfamilies can do to make this journey, especially for the children, better, healthier, more God-centric, I would say, uh, we can’t cover it all, (laughs) you know? So this is a great start. Let’s come back and keep it going. Can we do that?

Laura: Amen. Yes.

Jim: Yeah. Let’s do that. And I hope you were encouraged by what we’re hearing today. For more of Laura’s insights, get a copy of her book, Stepfamilies of the Bible. We’d love to put a copy into your hands when you give a gift of any amount to Focus on the Family and be part of the ministry.

At this time of year, we have a special match. That means your gift will be doubled dollar for dollar. $25 becomes $50, $50 becomes $100, and so on. When you donate by December 31st, your gift will go twice as far to help deliver hope and joy to twice as many families like yours.

John: Yeah, make that contribution and request Laura’s book when you reach out to us. Our number is 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY. Or just swing by our website, focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim: And here’s another thought. If you’re thinking that your marriage could use a little help, we’ve got our Hope Restored marriage intensives that can help you reach a healthier place in your marriage. It’s an amazing program. Couples spend several days receiving one-on-one and group counseling sessions from a licensed counselor. These intensives provide some great tools for strengthening your marriage and reconnecting with your spouse. You can get back to loving one another, and especially when you have kids in the home, it’s so important to learn to navigate through these issues and find a love that literally will last a lifetime.

John: Mm-hmm. Find out more about Hope Restored at our website.

And thanks so much for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller, inviting you back as we continue the conversation, and once more, help you and your family thrive in Christ.