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Laura Petherbridge: And I want us all to be happy and I want us all to love each other and sit at Thanksgiving like we’re all a biological family. You’ve got to lower your expectations. So there’s nothing wrong with relaxing and not forcing the blend.
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John Fuller: Well, that’s stepmom and author Laura Petherbridge describing ways that you can promote wellbeing in your stepfamily. Thanks for joining us for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. And, uh, I’m John Fuller.

Jim Daly: You know, John, oftentimes when we do a second day with a guest, it’s because they know their stuff.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: And Laura knows her stuff. She doesn’t have notes. She’s speaking from the heart and from this great book that she’s written, Stepfamilies of the Bible: Timeless Wisdom for Blended Families. I would add to that, all families (laughs) because the themes that she’s talking about are, are generally good for all of us on communication, how to work things out, whether it’s with a stepparent or your estranged divorced parent or in an intact family. I mean, you need communication. And that’s what we covered last time. If you missed it, uh, get the app and you can look at the whole library of shows in addition to Laura’s program with us last time. And that’ll catch you up to speed. There was so much good content in there.

John: Yeah. And we’re also, of course, on YouTube. So the point is get the content-

Jim: (laughs).

John: … that we heard last time. Now, uh, Laura has written a number of books and today we’re leaning into the one that Jim mentioned, Stepfamilies of the Bible. And you can learn more about our guest and the book at our website.

Jim: Laura, good to have you back. It was a great first day we had.

Laura: Thank you.

Jim: So thanks. Thanks for coming back and-

Laura: I appreciate it.

Jim: … sticking with us here. You know, it’s funny, uh, we talked off mic here a moment ago. We talked about how you must be a great girlfriend to these moms and stepmoms because you just have great wisdom about what you went through. For those that didn’t hear last time, I mean, your mom and dad divorced. I think your, your mom remarried how many times?

Laura: No, my dad-

Jim: Oh.

Laura: … remarried twice.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: And my mom was with who I call my stepdad for 25 years. They never-

Jim: But they never married?

Laura: … legally married.

Jim: Yeah. Wow.

Laura: No, they were Catholic. So they couldn’t marry in the Catholic Church, and they didn’t wanna marry outside the Catholic Church.

Jim: Wow, that’s a conundrum.

Laura: Yes, it was.

Jim: But, you know, as a child, uh, you know, I came from that kind of broken home. My mom and dad divorced when I was five. But in that context, you’re learning a lot as a child about what is broken here? Why is this not working the way it should work, the way it works for all my friends?

Laura: Yes.

Jim: You know, especially back then when we were young. Uh, you have written this book about stepfamilies of the Bible. We touched on this last time. Many people don’t realize the Bible is chock-full of stepfamilies. And let’s elaborate a little bit more about Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar, who, uh, really was an example for you about the bickering going on.

Laura: Yeah. It’s so amazing that family that lived, you know, thousands of years ago faced the exact same emotions. And that’s what I tried to do in this book, is to label the most common emotion that we feel in stepfamily, in stepfamily life, and how to overcome it. And then use these stepfamilies to say, “How did they overcome those emotions that are negative and bring it around?”

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: Or not bring it around and look at the consequence because they didn’t. So things like fear and rage and resentment and jealousy. See, there’s tons of that in stepfamilies. And we see that in these Old Testament stepfamilies, but they will teach us how to overcome those emotions. So for Sarah and Hagar and numerous other f- two female wives in the Old Testament, there’s this bitterness and resentment and jealousy over the children. One can have a child; the other one can’t. Or one wants more children. We have to remember, back then, a woman’s sole role was produce a male heir.

Jim: Right.

Laura: That was her claim to fame. That was her only significance. And if you didn’t do that, you were much more than less than. So that’s what stirs the fight for these two women, Hagar and Sarah. And, uh, boy, they really hate each other.

Jim: Yeah, that’s so amazing that those common things… You know, and I, I’ve not studied that part of Scripture to go in depth, but Abraham to me is your typical guy.

Laura: He is.

Jim: He’s just distant from it. Like, you know, “You guys figure it out.”

Laura: Yeah. (laughs).

Jim: I, he, he doesn’t really engage it that I recall. Am I missing it?

Laura: No. He, he’s so… I feel bad for these guys sometimes because they feel so caught in the middle. You know, “If I go to the right, this one’s mad at me. If I go to the left, that one’s mad at me. (laughs) I can’t keep anybody happy here.”

Jim: Right. “I’m gonna go-”

Laura: You know.

Jim: “… take a look at the herd.”

Laura: Exactly.

Jim: (laughs).

Laura: So that’s very common of men today.

John: So I’m a little interested in the dynamic here because Sarah didn’t seem to be mad at Hagar at first. She offered Hagar-

Laura: She did.

John: … as the surrogate. So the bitterness developed.

Laura: Right.

John: And then it became so great that there had to be kind of a separation. That wasn’t necessarily the best way to deal with it, was it?

Laura: She knew she didn’t have any other option or she didn’t believe God, that’s where we need to start, because God told them they were gonna have a baby. But as she got older, she was like, “You know, I must have heard this wrong or something.” (laughs) And of course that’s not biblical wording, but you, you know, obviously she’s getting more and more angry that this thing that she needs to give her husband is not happening. And so she gives Hagar to her husband to create a son that will be hers. Now, when Hagar starts, belly starts to grow and she sees that happening, that’s when the jealousy, resentment, inflammation, she is livid that this woman is giving her husband the very thing she wants more in the, than in the whole world.

Jim: Right. And then, yeah, then that jealousy gets even hotter.

Laura: Yeah.

Jim: We all read these stories and think of it in kind of this, oh-

Laura: Yes.

Jim: … biblical context like these people were different from us and somehow, you know, closer to God than us or whatever we might imagine about that. But there’s nothing new under the sun.

Laura: Right.

Jim: They are us. You kind of lived this as well in your own experience, right?

Laura: I did.

Jim: In terms of becoming a stepmom and-

Laura: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Who do you feel more like? Hagar or…

Laura: Oh boy, that’s a good question.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: Well, I just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary.

John: Oh, congratulations.

Laura: Now, you need to understand that in stepfamily, stepfamily years are sort of like dog years. So that’s really like 250 years of being married. (laughs).

Jim: Right.

Laura: I’m being funny, but, um, so there have been so many emotions. That’s probably why God nudged me to write this because every emotion that I describe in these chapters, I’ve probably felt at some time or the other.

Jim: That’s what makes Scripture so real.

Laura: I know it.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: Isn’t that, you know, when people say the Bible isn’t relevant, I’m like, “What Bible are you reading?” Because all you have to do is look at Jacob, look at King David, look at any of these, Joseph and his brothers, anybody that has had even a touch of stepfamily living, they’ll go, “That’s in my own backyard.”

Jim: Mm.

Laura: And look at how long ago that was. I mean, let’s just look at Joseph and his half-brothers for just one second. They hated him. And that was because daddy favored him.

Jim: Right.

Laura: Because he was the child that came from the woman he loved. Well, I see this all the time in stepfamilies. You know, a man will marry his first wife. He has kids. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love those kids, but he has kids. Okay, that marriage doesn’t work. He ends up, “I hate that woman. She drove me crazy. You know, I’m, I’m away from her.” Now she’s the wicked witch. And maybe she is, I don’t know. He remarries, and now, “This is the love of my life. I’m gonna have another baby.” And sometimes that baby gets all the attention.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Laura: Not always. Many couples are very fair between their stepkids and their biological kids, what we call an “ours baby” in stepfamily world. But it is not at all uncommon for the parents to lavish that child differently than the stepchildren or the oth- the children from the first family. And even if they’re doing exactly the same to that child, it feels like, “Mom or dad created a new family and I’m now on the outside.”

Jim: You lived it again-

Laura: I did.

Jim: … as a child. Describe that.

Laura: I did.

Jim: ‘Cause I think it gives you great credibility, but you and your brother-

Laura: Yes.

Jim: … and then your dad’s remarriage and then they had children.

Laura: They had a baby.

Jim: They had a baby and they had, she had two children, correct?

Laura: That’s right. And my father adopted her two children.

Jim: So they took on all of your last name.

Laura: That’s right.

Jim: So what was that feeling? Describe it for us if we haven’t lived in that situation. What happened?

Laura: That feels like, “My father has a new family and I’m no longer inside that circle.” Now, my dad nor my stepmother were ever cruel or nasty or anything like that. I’m not trying to portray they were mean in any way, but even her children are getting my father full-time. Like, they get to live with my biological father. The daddy I miss because I don’t get to see him or hug him or kiss him. I come from a big Italian family, lots of that going on.

And so they get my daddy 24/7, and I only get to see him on Sunday afternoons. And then now that he’s married, I’ve got to share him. Even on those days, do I get that afternoon to just go have pizza with my dad and just sit and talk to him and hug him? Do I have him all to myself? No. We’re trying to become the Brady Bunch. So I even have to share that time that I only get with my dad, I’ve got to share it with his new family. And now his new child. And see, men are different with their, as they get older as a dad. My father had so much fun with my half-brother.

Jim: Right.

Laura: And I loved that. I was happy for him, but he would laugh. He would think this kid was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Jim: Right. He wasn’t as strict.

Laura: Right.

Jim: (laughs) I know what that code word is.

Laura: Yes. And he just had more fun. You could see him look at him and think he was just wonderful. And what went through my mind was, “My dad doesn’t look at me like that anymore.”

John: Mm.

Laura: “He’s got this new baby. I’m 18. How am I gonna compare with that?” And so he didn’t do anything wrong.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: But I was outside the circle now.

Jim: Yeah. Was there any way… I mean, this was perhaps too much of a burden at 18. Was there any way or did you think about it at that time to actually sit with him and to express those things?

Laura: No, because I knew my stepmother would not like that.

Jim: Wow. Yeah. All the dynamics.

Laura: And see, I was a people pleaser.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: You know, my dad had to slip me money under the table when I was getting married. He had to slip me cash under the table.

Jim: So she didn’t see it?

Laura: So she didn’t know.

John: Mm.

Jim: ‘Cause she would go after him for doing that.

Laura: She’d be mad-

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: … at, at him, you know, because he was, had paid child support and there was always fighting about the money. And so I knew… See, and see, I’m such a people pleaser-

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: … or was then such a codependent that I didn’t wanna say or do anything that would make them angry with me. So I just kept it all inside.

Jim: Mm. You know, how does a stepmom in those situations, or a stepdad, where do they find support, you know, outside of the family that they can go and talk with and not make it a gripe session-

Laura: Right.

Jim: But how do they just find, you know, “You’re okay, you’re not going crazy, this is normal for these situations,” whatever that means. Um, but where do you find that help?

Laura: Well, Jim, you’re hitting a raw nerve with me because I wish I could say that in the 25 years I’ve been doing this that the church is better at this. Barna just came out with their newest statistics in November of last year. 53% of children under the age of 18-

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Laura: … are growing up in complex families.

Jim: Right.

Laura: That’s the phrase they’re using. That means single parent, co-parent, and stepfamilies.

Jim: Can I add a little thing?

Laura: Sure.

Jim: ‘Cause I’ve seen that data. This is the inverse of that data. Less than half, the minority now, of children zero to 18 live in biological mom and dad’s home.

Laura: That’s right.

Jim: That’s also what that says.

John: Wow.

Laura: Yes.

Jim: But what is it that they can do? What, what would be… If you could wave that wand, “Lord, answer this prayer.”

Laura: Yes.

Jim: “Okay, I’ll answer your one prayer, Laura-”

Laura: Yep.

Jim: … and you give it to Him. What does it look like for a church to do the things they need to do?

Laura: They could say that if they really believe in saving marriages, that we wanna save these stepfamily marriages.

Jim: Yeah, you don’t want that disaster again.

Laura: Exactly. That’s why I do what I do.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: Nobody hates divorce more than me.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: It almost killed me. And so I wish I could get through to the pastors for them to understand stepfamilies have a very different need than biological families. You cannot use the same material, the same resources, and the same thinking with a stepfamily as you do a biological first-time marriage because their needs are different.

John: Hmm.

Jim: I hadn’t thought about it this way but let me say this and get your response to it. Even here at Focus on the Family for years, you know, back in the day-

Laura: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … we avoided this topic a bit-

Laura: Yes.

Jim: … because we weren’t comfortable sensing that some might feel that we’re condoning divorce by helping stepfamilies.

Laura: That’s the exact reason.

Jim: Hit that one out of the park. And the importance back to help a family where they’re at.

Laura: Yes. If the church would just start talking about this and helping these couples and not assuming that all of their marriages are formed on sin, because not all of them are birthed out of sin. My marriage wasn’t birthed out of sin. Both my husband and I, our spouses walked out on us in the first marriage. And so I realize it’s a touchy subject. It’s a hard subject. I keep asking God to give me something easier.

Jim: (laughs)

Laura: I think I hear Him laughing. (laughs)

John: (laughs)

Jim: How to parent a two-year-old. That’s your next assignment.

Laura: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

Jim: Something easy.

John: Well, we wanna activate your church. So whether you’re a pastor or maybe just a parishioner, get this book, Stepfamilies of the Bible: Timeless Wisdom for Blended Families. Uh, go through it and go through it with a group. And, uh, take those steps that Laura is talking about and, uh, come alongside and help these stepfamilies that, uh, are all around us. Maybe your own. Um, we’ve got copies of the book at our, uh, website, and that’s focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim: Laura, let me go back to Joseph. It’s such a funny story. I was the last born, so I can at least relate to that with Joseph.

Laura: (laughs) So you’re Benjamin?

Jim: Yeah. I don’t think I would share the story that, you know, all my brothers and sisters are bowing down to me in my dreams.

Laura: Yeah.

Jim: But, you know, he had some chutzpah.

Laura: Yeah.

Jim: In that context, you talk about, um, the power of forgiveness in the story of Joseph. It’s so beautiful.

Laura: It is.

Jim: And that’s the real story.

Laura: Mm-hmm.

Jim: We’re all acting poorly in the way that that family reacted to Joseph, and even in the beginning, how Joseph pretty much reacted pretty well. You know, he was just moving along in life, but they threw him in a hole. They were gonna leave him to die there. And then one of the brothers came up with the grand idea, “Let’s sell him and that way we can make a little bit of money. We’ll tell dad he was eaten by a lion.” I mean, think of all the-

Laura: Yeah.

Jim: … gyrations of this narration they’re creating but speak to the forgiveness portion.

Laura: I love… There were two parts in writing this that I had read many, many times in the Bible, and this was one of them. When Joseph is weeping, it says he was weeping so hard that even the servants were questioning, “What is going on? What is happening here?”

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: He has to remove himself from his brothers. He sees Benjamin, his biological brother, that’s the only one that’s his full biological brother. He’s so moved by seeing his brother and the grief of all of it that he goes to another room. And of course, they don’t know yet that it’s their brother. And so he is… That statement, the scripture where it says that the servants were just alarmed by how loudly he was grieving and weeping. And if you’ve ever cried like that, you know, it’s such a guttural, ugh, animalistic kind of cry, you know, you know it was that. And that it took Joseph to that place that we know that’s where the forgiveness then was birthed and started and, and he comes back and then says, “I’m your brother and I’m not gonna kill you.” And, you know, it’s that, the beauty of the story. And he forgives. He forgives. And so that emotion, the second point that hit me like that was the dawning on me that Jesus’ own half-brothers-

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: I never thought about the fact that Mary and Mary Magdalene and John are at the foot of the Cross, and that Jesus is in such a position that He’s gotta give His mother away because back in that day a widow was in big trouble if they didn’t have a son.

Jim: That was the social services of the day was the-

Laura: Yes.

Jim: … the son to take care of the mom.

Laura: Exactly. It was mandatory if you didn’t want your mother to be destroyed. And He has to give His mother to John, the youngest of the disciples, because there’s no other brother there to give her to. Her own biological sons were not there at the foot of the Cross because that’s how much they despised Him and rejected Him. His own half siblings. Wow. I’ve never thought about that before.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: And now granted, let’s give them a little grace. They probably were afraid that they were gonna get murdered because if they’re killing Jesus and I’m His brother, they’re gonna probably kill me too.

John: Mm-hmm.

Laura: So there’s a piece of me that can extend a little bit of grace that way, but I just went, the rejection. He knows rejection from a half-sibling. My own half-sibling wants nothing to do with me. Me, Laura.

Jim: Mm.

Laura: I’ve done nothing that I know of that would cause him to do that. Jesus gets that pain.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: Because His own half-siblings rejected Him.

Jim: That-

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … was exactly where I was gonna go with the remaining time is to talk about the half-sibling or stepsibling relationship. Some of them probably are very good.

Laura: They are.

Jim: Um, you know, and there’s a bonding there and they shared experiences together and, you know, they get along. But so often you hear of your story that you don’t even communicate. It’s estranged. Um, w- what should a person do? I mean, what… How do you manage that if it’s difficult?

Laura: You cannot force those stepfamily relationships. They have to form organically. But a parent and a stepparent can do things that would encourage or nurture those relationships. I have a brother that I’m very, very close to, and he went through a divorce, and he married a woman with two children. I am so happy to see that my four, because I call them family. I don’t have nieces and step-niece and nephew. They- they are my four nieces and nephew. Um, they all view each other as siblings.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Laura: They call each other brother and sister. So some do form that. And they were young. There was a lot of wounding. The… My nieces, their mother walked out. So there was, there was a lot of pain there. But theirs formed organically, and they just grew up in the same home. There was a lot of fighting, and during teenage years, some of that didn’t go well. But now that they’re adults, they like each other.

Jim: They’re tight. Yeah, that’s good.

Laura: Yeah.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: They’re… So some do form that.

Jim: You heard a conversation at an airport. I think you overheard this conversation.

Laura: (laughs).

Jim: I’ve overheard lots of conversations at airports.

Laura: Yes. Yes.

Jim: But this one pertains to what we’re talking about.

Laura: Yes.

Jim: What did you hear a grandmother say to another grandmother?

Laura: Yeah. I heard these two older women behind me in the airport, and the one lady was talking about her son getting remarried, and that, uh, the kids were refusing to accept the brothers and sisters from the other home.

John: Hmm.

Laura: The mistake these parents were making, the parent and stepparent, was they were trying to force these kids. They were saying, “This is not your stepbrother. This is your brother. This is not your stepsister. This is your sister.” See, so there’s this new mantra that we don’t use the word step. We somehow imagine that if we just remove the word stepfamily, that everybody’s gonna love each other. And so that’s what these parents were trying to do. The son to this woman and his new wife, they were refusing to use the word stepfamily or blended family, and they were trying to force these kids to view each other as brothers and sisters. And of course, the grandma was furious with these kids. “Why won’t they just do it? Why won’t they just view them as their brother or sister?” And it took every ounce of strength the Holy Spirit can give a person for me not to turn around and explain to this woman.

Jim: (laughs) May have been good. I don’t know.

Laura: She didn’t… She didn’t seem very teachable.

Jim: (laughs) Okay, that’s fair. That’s fair. You know, let’s, uh, end on some high notes here. Uh, the, the right things to do, so that advice space. In the book, what are some of those bright spots that you can point to to say to stepparents, uh, here are some victories, here are some ways to get some wins. What would you think of?

Laura: Yes. Using that last story we just talked about, it’s okay to say to your kid, “You know, you don’t have to love this person. You don’t even have to like this person, whether it’s a step sibling or stepparent, but you do have to respect this person. They live in our home, and we live with respect,” especially if it’s a Christian home. “You’re not allowed to speak that way. You’re not allowed to steal or hit them or anything like that.” Laying those boundaries and understanding what are realistic boundaries, it’s when we push the stepfamily dynamic and expect the kids to view everybody as biological family. And see, we want it so badly as the adults because we view this new relationship, it’s a new love. I went through pain before and now I’m in love again, and I want us all to be happy, and I want us all to love each other and sit at Thanksgiving like we’re all a biological family. You’ve got to lower your expectations that it may not happen that way, and that it’s unrealistic, especially to think it’s gonna happen quickly.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: So there’s nothing wrong with relaxing and not forcing the blend.

Jim: Yeah. And it’s so good. And it’s good, uh, like with anything, and I’ve said it throughout the two days we’ve been talking together, communication is critical. And really assume your eight, nine-year-old can understand things that, that are important and talk to them. Talk to them about what they’re feeling and what they’re sensing and, and try to pull out of them, uh, you know, those emotions.

Laura: And do that privately.

Jim: Yeah.

Laura: You know, if my dad would’ve just taken me aside and taken me to lunch or taken me and said, “How are you doing with this whole thing? You know, I know it’s a lot of change for you.” It would’ve fe- given me the feeling that my dad cared how I was feeling about this.

Jim: Yeah. You know, even that question I asked you in that way, I was making the assumption that you, as an 18-year-old, would have to carry the, the ball.

John: Mm.

Jim: It should’ve been him.

Laura: That’s right.

Jim: It should’ve been the adult that came to you, your dad, and said those things to you, like, “Where have I fallen short? How can I do better?” And if you’re a stepparent, wow, that’s powerful.

Laura: It is powerful.

Jim: I don’t care what age your child is. I remember the first time I apologized to Trent for handling a discipline issue in a way I shouldn’t have. And he just smiled so big.

Laura: Yes.

Jim: And I said, “Why are you smiling like that?” And he said, “I didn’t know parents had to apologize.”

Laura: Wow.

Jim: There’s a lot in that statement.

Laura: There sure is.

Jim: And he was probably seven.

Laura: Mm-hmm.

Jim: So they… Children catch a lot more-

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … and understand a lot more than we adults give them credit for. So talk to them. Uh, privately is best.

Laura: And I often tell parents a great question. It’s hard. It’s a hard thing to do, but a great question to ask your child after a divorce or the relationship split up, “What did I do during the divorce from your mom or dad that caused you pain or that you wish I had done differently?”

Jim: Ah. Well, that’s courageous, but it’s good.

Laura: It’s very courageous.

Jim: But very good. Laura, this has been fantastic. Thank you. This is not an easy subject.

Laura: No.

Jim: Like you said, church, we kinda look the other way. And really, I think often we even look the other way when those families are sitting next to us in the pews, right?

Laura: Yes.

Jim: And what a beautiful way to embrace people where they’re at. It doesn’t condone anything. We just wanna make sure your marriage this time really works and that you can love each other. And remember to strengthen those kids that are in the process of trying to heal and blend and all the complexity of all that. So thank you for being with us.

Laura: I appreciate the invitation.

Jim: And if this is something that would be of help to you or someone you know, we wanna encourage you to get a copy of Laura’s book. It’s called Stepfamilies of the Bible: Timeless Wisdom for Blended Couples. And when you give to the ministry here, we’ll send you the book as our way of saying thank you for partnering with us in ministry.

And now, through a special match here at the end of the year, your gift will be double dollar for dollar. So any amount you give, $20 becomes $40, and so on. So give by December 31st, and your gift will go twice as far to deliver hope and joy to families in need.

John: Yeah, get in touch today and partner with us. Laura’s book again is called Stepfamilies of the Bible: Timeless Wisdom for Blended Families. As Jim mentioned, when you donate to Focus on the Family, we’ll send a copy of that resource. Our number is 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY, or stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Next time, author and speaker Becky Harling will share how to find community and build deeper friendships.
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Becky Harling: God created us for relationship with Him, and His heart aches with longing for relationship with us. And also, spiritual formation happens best within community.
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John: Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. On behalf of the team, I’m John Fuller, inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.