Husband and Wife Disagree About Finances

This is becoming a huge problem in our marriage. I think my spouse spends too much. Meanwhile, I’ve been accused of being “stingy” and “unrealistic.” How can we resolve these conflicts?

ANSWER:

Financial disagreements can be a huge problem between a husband and wife, especially when one of them is convinced that the other is spending too much. But it’s a problem the two of you can face and conquer together, provided you keep some basic guidelines and principles in mind.

Make up your minds to be on the same team

You can start by agreeing that you both want the same things concerning money: a certain amount of security and a certain amount of freedom. Those amounts may not be the same, but the general goals are.

Above all, you will want to emphasize the health of your relationship over the details of accounting. Once you’re on the same team, it will be easier to come up with creative solutions to your disagreements about spending.

Work to understand motivations

If you think your spouse is overspending, try to understand the deeper motivations behind his behavior.

There can be a variety of reasons for overspending – deprived childhood, privileged childhood, depression, anxiety, the thrill of the hunt. But they all come down to one thing: the quest for security. The antidote is a healthy grasp of God’s love, provision, and grace. It’s the realization that things don’t provide ultimate security – God does.

Before making a purchase, husbands and wives need to ask themselves, “What am I trying to do?” If the answer has anything to do with finding fulfillment or escaping stress or pain, don’t buy the item. Instead, take your search for security to the Lord and find it in Him.

Pay attention to real costs

Some people enter marriage with very different experiences of spending, saving, and tithing, and a lot of preconceived notions (many of them highly inaccurate) about attached price tags. It’s important that both of you understand exactly what things cost and how often they need to be purchased.

For example, knowing that a certain computer program is purchased once, with upgrades bought every year, will help spouses agree on the real cost. So will the knowledge that $20.00 worth of self-care items could last three months for some people and six months for others.

Set a budget

You must learn to live on less than you earn.

Living from paycheck to paycheck isn’t comfortable. It can lead each of you to feel taken for granted, used, and insecure about the future. What’s worse, in cases of crisis or unexpected expense, it can send you over the edge of financial solvency into a downward spiral of endlessly accumulating debt.

This is where the importance of budgeting comes in. A budget will let you live within your means and also set something aside for a rainy day. Among other benefits, a budget:

• Establishes a spending plan. It helps you decide in advance what you will do when faced with the need to make a purchase. Having a plan gives you options, and having options means freedom.

• Encourages saving. If you plan your budget properly and follow it faithfully, you’ll end up with the beginnings of a savings account at the end of the month. Without a budget, that fund may never get off the ground.

• Reduces stress. With a budget, you’ll know exactly how much money is available each month. When you respect the system, finance will no longer be a primary focus of conflict.

• Allows for the unexpected. Emergency expenses can be overwhelming, especially in a new marriage. Setting aside funds for surprise expenditures can help reduce pressure.

• Encourages giving. Having a budget will allow room for generosity and help you honor God with the resources that already belong to Him.

• Discourages debt. By adopting a reasonable plan and sticking with it, you’ll prevent yourselves from sliding into financial over-commitment.

• Can be flexible. Many couples fear that a budget will become a straitjacket, but it can actually be liberating. Financial freedom can be expanded by constantly re-evaluating the budget. For example, you may want to take half the money from your “dining out” budget for next year and put it into your “vacation” account. It’s entirely up to you.

• Can encourage spouses to submit to the same authority: God. To set up a budget, you have to establish priorities. Discussing those priorities and seeking God’s direction in the process can take you a long way in the direction of financial harmony.

Find more help about money matters

We know we’ve given you a lot to think about here. For additional help and information on this topic, we invite you to check out the resources below.

Or if you have relationship concerns and challenges associated with this situation, call our professional and pastoral counselors for a free consultation at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). They’d be glad to talk with you, and they can give you referrals to trained therapists in your area and intensive marriage counseling options.