Husband Frustrated Over Wife’s Lack of Interest in Sex

When I hope we’ll have sex together, my wife always says, I’m not in the mood. I tell her that there are all kinds of things I do for her when I’m not in the mood — like go to work, wash the dishes, and help with housework. How is her “not in the mood” different from my “not in the mood”?

ANSWER:

Like it or not, discomfort with sex is very different from discomfort with a job or other necessary part of life. This is especially true for women.

God’s design for sex

Marital sex isn’t a chore meant only to satisfy one or both partners’ bodily needs — at least it shouldn’t be.

From a Christian perspective, sex is the ultimate expression of physical, emotional, and spiritual unity between a husband and wife. It’s a wondrous, beautiful, holy, self-transcendent, and sacramental experience. It’s a picture of the mystery of Christ’s relationship with the Church (Ephesians 5:31-32).

Hold that biblical image in your mind for a moment. Then ask yourself: Do I really want to compare my wife’s feelings about sex with my own attitude toward taking out the garbage?

Learn to understand your wife

For a woman, sex requires a willingness to be vulnerable, transparent, and open to her husband’s advances.

It involves an ability to trust, which can be difficult if she’s had a history of abuse, rape, or mistreatment by men. If she feels used — or if she’s uncomfortable for any reason with any aspect of sex — she won’t be able to relax and enjoy the moment.

If you’re pushing your wife to do things she doesn’t want to do, you’re smothering her openness and vulnerability. You’re destroying her ability to trust. You’re forcing her into a corner where she feels like she has no choice but to get defensive.

That spells death to genuinely meaningful intimacy. And that means that the sexual relationship is less than fulfilling for both of you.

Don’t be afraid to get help

Professional therapy can be a big help to couples in your situation. Call our professional and pastoral counselors for a free consultation at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). They’d be glad to talk with you, and they can give you referrals to trained therapists in your area and intensive marriage counseling options.