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It all happened so fast — the nausea, a faint pink line, the deep-down knowing, the call to the doctor, the hope, the excitement. Then came the stomachache, the blood, the call to the doctor, and the second pregnancy test. Last came the tears — the great flood of tears. No baby. No hope. Just a deep well of sadness after the miscarriage.
My miscarriage came early in our marriage. We hadn’t experienced much heartache as a couple, and this — our first big storm — was the hardest of all on me.
My husband wanted to fix it — wanted to make the pain go away — but he was at a loss of what to do or what words of comfort he could say. He, too, was sad. But he grieved differently than me.
Ways to love your wife after a miscarriage
For those of you walking through that same story, my heart breaks with you. Here are a few things you can do for your wife as you love her after a miscarriage:
1. Let her grieve
That dreadful day, I came home and cried for hours while my husband just held me and rubbed my back. It was the best thing he could have done. My friend, Sarah, went through the same experience and said this about her husband: “He just let me sob. What I needed at that time was someone to just let me cry — ugly cry. We all process loss in different ways, and for me, crying was a huge release. I needed to be held and allowed to mourn the loss at my own pace. Now, I’ll cry at sudden times for little to no reason at all and he just holds my hand. The pain is still real, just less.”
2. Tell her it’s not her fault
I remember thinking that I was somehow responsible for my miscarriage. Maybe if I hadn’t had that cup of coffee, or if I had gone running or taken a prenatal vitamin, this wouldn’t have happened. But my sweet husband kept telling me over and over that the miscarriage was not my fault and that life was in the Lord’s hands to give and take.
3. Help her honor the child after a miscarriage
My friend said she painted a picture for her baby, and her husband built the frame. I wrote a letter to my unborn child and read it to my husband. Other ideas are to support a Compassion Child or plant a memorial tree or garden in honor of the one who died.
4. Field questions
Talking about the details after a miscarriage can be extremely hard. A friend named Stephanie said that one of the best things her husband did for her was to answer questions from other friends and family so she didn’t have to.
5. Remind her of what is true
After she’s had some space to grieve and some time to weep, build up your wife in truth. Read Scripture together. Pray together. Tell her that you love her. Help her mentally focus on the hope she does have.
Losing a child, even before they’re born, is truly tragic. But you can love your wife well through the pain, and your marriage can grow deeper, and your faith will become stronger.
Ways to love your husband after a miscarriage
“Hey babe, why don’t we go out for ice cream or do something fun?” My husband asked me the day after our miscarriage. He was trying so hard to cheer me up, but I didn’t want to be cheered.
“Can’t I just be sad? Is that OK?” I asked with a heavy heart. I didn’t understand why he wanted me to rush past my grief or why he wasn’t sadder. Why wasn’t he in a pool of tears like I was?
I didn’t realize that he was coping with his own sadness after the miscarriage by suppressing his emotions to make me happy.
And to be candid, at first, I was frustrated that he wasn’t grieving the same way I was. I wanted him to wail and cry — to talk it out. But what he needed was to be alone with his thoughts. He needed a different outlet than words or tears for his emotions. He needed to “fix” the situation.
1. Recognize he will grieve differently after a miscarriage
Dr. David Diamond, a psychologist and an associate professor at the California School of Professional Psychology, put it this way in his article “We Need To Talk About Men and Miscarriage”: “Men often express many emotional reactions in different ways than women, so if a man is suffering from grief, he doesn’t necessarily cry or emote about it in a way that therapists or their wives might be looking for,” Diamond said. “They take action. They avoid. They become workaholics sometimes to cope or alcoholics. Men don’t always show their reactions as grief or loss, and sometimes the people around them — and they themselves — don’t connect that with the real source when it’s a miscarriage.”
2. Different grief does not mean less
Miscarriage is often portrayed as a woman’s issue. And yes, women are affected differently because they felt the physical presence of a tiny baby inside of them. However, the implications of a miscarriage also have an impact on men. They, too, have dashed hopes and dreams. They, too, will deeply mourn what can no longer be, weep, and feel.
Christopher Dale wrote about his wife’s miscarriage for Parents:
Women bear the brunt of miscarriages through sheer biology. What I can say — and I hope it’s a comfort to women who’ve experienced or fear miscarriage — is that men suffer their own trials following such tragedy. … [W]e can be there for our wives but can’t do much to ease the physical discomfort and emotional stress that carrying a living thing inside you brings. And when that living thing dies, a man’s pregnancy powerlessness becomes that of a bystander watching his beloved go through unimaginable heartache.
3. Remember his need to fix the situation after a miscarriage
The best way for a husband to process his grief after a miscarriage might be to try to “fix” it the best he can. That might mean helping his wife cope with her grief by being a shoulder to cry on. It might look like commemorating the life of the baby by writing a letter, planting a tree, or building a frame to host the baby’s tiny footprint. No matter what method he chooses, it is important for you, his wife, to realize that he is “fixing it” because he loves you and wants to take away your pain as much as he can.
4. Give him space, but don’t withdraw
Sometimes, the best way to love someone through pain is to give him or her some breathing room. Let your husband go for a hike or a run alone. Encourage him to go hunting or fishing or to do whatever it is that he loves. Give freedom for space, but don’t withdraw from him because you’re upset he isn’t grieving the same way as you.
