It all happened so fast — the nausea, a faint pink line, the deep-down knowing, the call to the doctor, the hope, the excitement. Then came the stomachache, the blood, the call to the doctor, the second pregnancy test. Last came the tears — the great flood of tears. No baby. No hope. Just a deep well of sadness.
My miscarriage came early in our marriage. We hadn’t experienced much heartache as a couple, and this — our first big storm — was hardest of all on me.
My husband wanted to fix it — wanted to make the pain go away — but he was at a loss of what to do. He, too, was sad. But he grieved differently than me.
For those of you walking through that same story, my heart breaks with you. Here are a few things you can do for your wife as you love her after a miscarriage:
Let her grieve
That dreadful day, I came home and cried for hours while my husband just held me and rubbed my back. It was the best thing he could have done. My friend, Sarah, went through the same experience and said this about her husband: “He just let me sob. What I needed at that time was someone to just let me cry — ugly cry. We all process loss in different ways, and for me, crying was a huge release. I needed to be held and allowed to mourn the loss at my own pace. Now, I’ll cry at sudden times for little to no reason at all and he just holds my hand. The pain is still real, just less.”
Tell her it’s not her fault
I remember thinking that I was somehow responsible for my miscarriage. Maybe if I hadn’t had that cup of coffee, or if I had gone running or taken a prenatal vitamin, this wouldn’t have happened. But my sweet husband kept telling me over and over that the miscarriage was not my fault and that life was in the Lord’s hands to give and take.
Help her honor the child
My friend said she painted a picture for her baby and her husband built the frame. I wrote a letter to my unborn child and read it to my husband. Other ideas are to support a Compassion Child or plant a memorial tree or garden in honor of the one who died.
Talking about the details after a miscarriage can be extremely hard. A friend named Stephanie said that one of the best things her husband did for her was to answer questions from other friends and family so she didn’t have to.
Remind her of what is true
After she’s had some space to grieve and some time to weep, build up your wife in truth. Read Scripture together. Pray together. Tell her that you love her. Help her mentally focus on the hope she does have.
Losing a child, even before they’re born, is truly tragic. But you can love your wife well through the pain, and your marriage can grow deeper and your faith become stronger.