The Abortion Minded Friend: How do I love her in this journey?

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A girl comforts her friend.
There are millions of reasons why a woman may be considering abortion. All of these millions of reasons boil down to one single root cause— Fear!

Because I freely and transparently share my abortion healing story, I have lovingly become known as “the abortion lady.” I have counseled countless people who have walked alongside women that considered abortion. There was a time, at the beginning of my healing journey, when it felt overwhelming. I thought I had to have answers for their every concern, because I never want anyone to walk the pain-filled road that I did before receiving healing from my abortion experiences. 

What would happen if I said the wrong thing or gave them bad advice? Would that make me responsible if their loved one ended up making an abortion decision? I sometimes felt desperate in my desire to know how to fix it all for them.

The simple truth is that we don’t have to have all the answers, we just need one: God’s love.  

“…perfect love casts out all fear.” (1 John 4:18)

When a woman is considering abortion, all she can process is that she is pregnant, and she needs out of this situation. There are millions of reasons or combinations of reasons a woman may be considering abortion. All of these millions of reasons boil down to one single root cause— Fear! Fear of inadequate resources, fear of relationship loss, fear of what the future will hold, fear of being a bad mom, pressure from a family member, etc. 

I recently was visiting with a very wise friend. We talked about fear and all of the ways it can creep into our hearts. When the enemy was cast out of heaven, he literally became fear, so he is a pro at the game! He uses it to drive a wedge between us and our Heavenly Father. If he can isolate with fear, keep us out of community with God, and convince us we are too broken to be loved then he can wreak havoc in hearts and minds.  

It would be grossly unfair to to lump all victims of abortion into one group or mindset, so I won’t. What I will say is, for the most part, the woman who reaches out to talk through their decision is seeking validation in her choice. What she is actually searching for is a sliver of hope. She may not even realize she is looking for hope, but what she does know is that she is nervous and scared. All she may need is for you to tell her that she isn’t alone, or that she is going to be a great mom!

What should I do if someone tells me they are considering abortion?

  1. Pray! Ask God to give you words of life to speak and that you’ll know when to hold your tongue. Ask for guidance in leading with love and to have empathy for her situation.
  2. Acknowledge her very real feelings of fear, and allow her space to share these feelings. You can then offer support and encouragement in those areas. 
  3. Find resources in your community that will be helpful for her situation. Some great places to start no matter what her circumstances might be are a local church or parish, life-affirming pregnancy centers, ProLove Ministry’s Love Line, or an Embrace Grace Support Group
  4. If she is single and pregnant, reach out to Embrace Grace , Inc. to find out how you can get a Love Box in her hands immediately. These invitational boxes are full of life-affirming gifts that get her connected to an Embrace Grace Support Group at a local church.

What NOT to do:

  1. Don’t make it about you! She is overwhelmed with processing her situation and emotions. Be a safe place, don’t make her have to process your emotions too.
  2. Don’t yell or use guilt and shame as a motivator. Don’t make her feel like she has to protect herself from you.
  3. Don’t use phrases like “you’re going to kill your baby” or “abortion is murder”. I promise you she doesn’t want to choose abortion, but it currently feels like it’s her only choice.
  4. Don’t give up on her. Even if she resists talking and even if she is hateful, she needs to know that she is loved.

Q: So, what happens if you say and do all the right things and she still chooses abortion? 

A: You love her, because God first loved us! (1 John 4:19) 

The day will come when regret and pain come. Pray, , check-in often, and encourage her to seek healing. 

We can pray that she chooses life for her baby and herself. However, nothing we say or do is going to “make” her choose life. Our role is to be an empty and willing vessel for God to use.  

Pour out your expectations, needs, and desires allowing God to fill us with His love.  If you have been impacted by abortion through personal experience or a loved one’s experience, connect with SupportAfterAbortion.com for a support group that will bring you healing.

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