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Focus on the Family Broadcast

Bringing Laughter to Everyday Life

Bringing Laughter to Everyday Life

Sometimes you need to laugh, and Tim Hawkins is ‘just what the doctor ordered.’ His unique spin on the trials and tribulations of everyday life will have you in stitches! Tim wonders why civilization ever needed an electric toothbrush, not to mention a four-or-five bladed shaving razor. He loves his GPS, and wishes he could buy a ‘Marriage GPS’ that would give helpful hints, like “say something nice about her hair.” Tim's presentation is laugh-out-loud funny and will inspire you to see life from a more humorous perspective.
Original Air Date: August 31, 2016

Excerpt:
Tim Hawkins:
I noticed in some airports there- there… In a lot of airports there are luggage stores.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Luggage stores in airports.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: (laughs) I’m looking around, “Looks like everybody’s got luggage taken care of.” Never seen a guy with an arm full of clothes.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Man, I wish I had some kind of container-”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “… maybe with a zipper and a pulley thing. Don’t know if they make those yet.”
End of Excerpt

John Fuller: Welcome to today’s broadcast where we’re gonna share some great humor to brighten your day. This is Focus on the Family, with your host, Focus President, Jim Daly, and I’m John Fuller.

Jim Daly: Uh, John, we’ve covered some pretty heavy subjects on the broadcast, uh, recently, so I thought it’d be great to lighten things up by featuring one of my favorite comedians, Mr. Tim Hawkins. Uh, Tim does comedy shows in about 100 cities a year, but you might know him from YouTube where his work has received over 300 million views.

John: That’s pretty amazing. And best of all, he keeps things clean. He doesn’t go into the gutter like so many comedians do.

Jim: Well, that’s right. And he’s actually a homeschooling father of four, and I’m sure that gives him, uh, really good material (laughing).

John: No doubt.

Jim: And Tim has a way of finding the humor in some of the more stressful situations of life, and I hope he will inspire you to look at the stress in your life in a different way. And maybe after today, you can find the humor there too.

John: Here now is Tim Hawkins from his DVD called, Full Range of Motion, on today’s episode of Focus on the Family.

Tim: Well I’m at… We’re actually building a new home. We moved, we’re- we’re building a house and it’s going really well. And, uh, when I say it’s going really well, I mean, AAAAHHH!

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: They’re just nickel and diming us to death, people. You know how it goes, you’re just like, “Homes starting in the 200s.” We’re in the 500s now.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: They just don’t tell you certain things. We’re sitting down with the builder lady, you know, she’s at her keyboard and she’s like, “Okay, um, thanks for coming to- today. I just wanna sit you down and go over some of the options-”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “… some of the upgrades for your house. You don’t have to do this, you don’t have to, they’re options.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Why are my fingers doing this? I have no idea.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “I’m a bird or an angel.” She goes, “Okay, um, let’s see here. Just some, yeah, I’ll just throw some out here to see if you want ’em. Let’s see, are you going to be wanting… doors?”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Yeah, that’s good, I would too. I would too.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Yeah. Running water, is that something you want too?”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Oh, yeah. Yeah, me too. A lot of the younger couples are getting that.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Yeah, $40 got me rent-a-car. Of course in Dallas, where I went… What, who built Dallas? I wanna know that really.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: It’s like, “Let’s let the people move here, then we’ll build the roads.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Yeah, that’s a great idea. You guys got bridges everywhere here, bridges all over the place. I saw one, I don’t know where, like out by 35, the bridge just stopped right in midair.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: You guys say off-ramp, you ain’t kidding.

Audience: (laughing and applause)

Tim: “He’s off the ramp now.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “It was beautiful. Sparks and metal flew.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: But I got my rent-a-car I Dallas, you know, it had the GPS, tells you what to do. That’s beautiful. It’s so nice. Driving along, “Turn left now.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Turn right up ahead. Turn around and go the other way.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Then I get into Dallas, “You’re on your own.”

Audience: (laughing and applause)

Tim: “Your guess is as good as mine. Good luck and may the force be with you, Luke.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: I love the GPS. And when you make a wrong turn, do something bad it’s like, “Recomputing. Recomputing.” Not, “You moron, no. You idiot, no. Recomputing.” Love that. I want life GPS, that’s what I want. You know, just tell me what to do in my life. “Your fly is down.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Purchase gum, your breath smells like a sewer.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: But what we need is marriage GPS, guys. Marriage GPS. Wouldn’t that be awesome?!

Audience: Whoo! Whoo!

Tim: Just tell us what to do, guys don’t know. “Say something about her hair.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Hey, what’s up with your hair?!”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Recomputing.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: GPS though, that’s funny. I- I love the GPS, it’s really cool. I used to have redneck GPS man, like, “Turn left at Walgreens.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “You’re gonna see a pit bull and a go-cart (laughs), but just keepa going.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “No, you went… Oh, recon con con, re…. We’re doing it again. We’re doing it again.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: You need GPS. You ever, you ever been… I mean, ’cause you ask people for directions, you know, and they don’t, you know, a lot of people, they just don’t know. You ever been in a small town, you have no idea how to get anywhere and you ask some old guy for directions, “Hey, how do I get to the mall?” “From here?”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “No, from Pakistan. I was gonna start from there.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: I think we have too much technology. I- I, I don’t know if you guys have seen this, uh, the Quattro razor for men.

Audience: Yeah.

Tim: Four blades.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Four.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: It’s just too much. I got one. It’s like the first blade grabs the hair, the second blade grabs the hair a little bit lower. Third blade chops the hair off at the root. The fourth blade takes a hunk outta your cheek-

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: … about the size of a tea bag. (laughing) Why don’t they have a fifth blade, put me outta my misery?

Lazy technology, the electric toothbrush. That always made me laugh, the electric toothbrush. What, is brushing your teeth too strenuous an exercise for some people?

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Got people going-

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: … “Man I am really feeling the burn here. Wish this thing had a motor on it.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Why don’t you just have electric deodorant? Zzzzzzzaaaaahhh! Like some people have, they have a rubber grip on their toothbrush. Brushing your teeth too fast there, whoa!

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “I need to get some Stick Em or something.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: The last year for Christmas I got the laziest gift from my kids, they got me an alarm clock that projects the time onto the ceiling.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: ‘Cause y’all all know how hard it is to go…

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: No, no, this has gotta stop right here. This is why I need a Red Bull, this is taking it all outta me.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Aw.

Audience: Whoo.

Tim: You ever live with somebody that’s lazy? Isn’t that fun? Living with a lazy person. My brother was the laziest individual in the world, my older brother. You just saw him.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Here’s a guy, he would never throw the milk jug away. He’d empty out a milk jug, put it right back in the fridge. I’m like, “Dude, throw the thing away ain’t nothing in it.” He’s like, “Oh, there’s stuff in there.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “There’s still milk in there.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: So I get it out to the light, I’m like, “Hmm, you mean that thin glaze at the bottom there, Hoss?”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Oh, that’s perfect, ’cause I was gonna have a Corn Flake later. Yeah, and this is gonna get it nice and soggy. Uh-huh. The luck is mine.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Lazy folks, huh. We are all lazy. Um, you guys ever be putting gas in your car and you know that little latch, that little kickstand that holds the thingy? Don’t you hate it when that’s broke?

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Don’t you hate… Doesn’t that just ruin your day? You’re there going, “Oh, NO!”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “I gotta hold it now! Come on! What are we in, the Middle Ages? Let’s go! I’m getting carpal tunnel over here!”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “I wanted to sit in the car while it was pumping, listen to my motivational tapes.” (laughing) “Guess that ain’t happening.” Pumping gas, man. You guys ever prepay your gas? You give ’em like 10 bucks and they set the pump for you. Well that goes real fast until that last gallon, for some reason.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: What’s that all about? You’re like $1, $2, 3, now 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9… $9…. and 91… cents.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: … $9…. and 91… and a half (laughing). Like, “Keep your eight cents, I got things to do.”

I was in Florida not too long ago I saw a sign on a gas pump that said, “Do not siphon gas with your mouth.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: You need that sign.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Couldn’t you see some old boy one time, you know, he’s putting his gas in, “Hmm… Well I put my card in. Flicked that little switch. Maybe I need to start siphoning my gas with my mouth.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Seems to be the next logical step, me- me to start sucking on the end of this nozzle-”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “… get it flowing.” Do not try this at home.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Aw. Y’all ever seen these commercials for these pills, this medication you take, it’s like one pill for one thing, but the list like 100 side effects?

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: It’s like they’re just scrolling for a minute and you’re thinking, “Is that really a good trade?”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “That can’t be a good trade.” You got people going, “Well I can take the headaches, nausea and vomiting if it’ll make my elbow feel better.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “It’s really worth it, it is. I mean, I’ve been taking it. Oh! Ow! Ow! I can move it around, play with the kids and I uh, oh, ehhh….(choking sound) I got full range of motion here.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: (laughs) Crazy. I was watching one of these- I was watching the Cartoon Network with my kids recently, I saw a commercial like that. It was a pill for bladder control issues-

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: … on the Cartoon Network.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Bladder control pill. You know what the first side effect was? Diarrhea!

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Like, “No, thanks, I’ll take the lesser of two evils just now. Yeah, I’ll mull that one over. Uh-uh. No, I’ll play the hand that fate has dealt me. Yeah, you go, yeah.”

Audience: (laughing)

John: Well, you’re listening to comedian Tim Hawkins on Focus on the Family today. And, uh, we’re so enjoying this presentation. More in just a moment.

Let me just say that we have a CD or an audio download of this program. Or, uh, even better perhaps, you can watch Tim’s entire show, including some amazing song parodies. We’ve got the DVD available for you when you call 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY. Or donate and request that DVD at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Let’s go ahead and hear more now from Tim Hawkins.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: I noticed there’s this woman’s clothing store I see a lot, a lot around here. Woman’s clothing store. The actual name of the store is the Dress Barn.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: The Dress Barn! That’s the best name you could come up with then, that’s- that’s the one you wanna go with? Don’t think I’m ever taking my wife to a place called, the Dress Barn. “Honey, let’s go to the Dress Barn.” “Recomputing.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Sorry. Dress Barn. What are the people like that work at the Dress Barn? “Can I help yyyoooooouuuuuu??!!”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Uuuuuuhhhhhhh! That blouse is right over heeere, heeere, heeere! It’s only 20 buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck-ahhh!!” “Baaaa. Baaaa. Baaaa!!”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: The Dress Barn.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: And I got three kids of my own, and, uh, it’s like you try to give ’em good advice, you know. I try. I’m trying. I’m doing the best I can. Sometimes parents, we just fail at advice. I remember my mom, when I was a kid, she used to give me good advice too late.

Audience: (laughs)

Tim: Think about it, good advice too late. Like when I was hit, a kid I hit my head on the corner of the table.

Audience: Oh, my. (laughing)

Tim: “Careful.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Boy, I’m sure glad you were there, Hoss-

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: … who knows what woulda happened, Nostradamus.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Moms are a big help when you lose something, aren’t they?

Audience: (laughing)

The top- top.

Tim: You lose something, your mom is just not a help at all. “Hey, mom, I can’t find my wallet.” “Well it’s gotta be somewhere.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: It’s like, “That’s good, I thought I was going crazy for a minute. I thought I was looking for something that didn’t exist. Thank you.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: And then they go, “Where’d you leave it last?!”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “You’re good. Thanks, Captain Obvious, I was on a totally different track. I was looking where I left it FIRST!”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Mom was the worst nurse in the world. Some women, as they’re parents and mothers, they just don’t, you do the same thing no matter what’s wrong with the kid, you tell ’em do the same thing. Especially women in the south when I was, when I was a kid. Like, “Mom, I don’t feel good.” “You need to go sit on the pot.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “You need to sit on the… Yeah, it’s ancient wisdom that only I can conceive. Go sit on the pot, you’ll feel fantastic, I’m telling you.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “I think I broke my leg.” “You need to go sit on the pot.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Okay. Okay, I’m trusting you.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “It’s still kind of throbbing, Marcus Welby. I don’t think this is it.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: I can see her at my funeral, “I told him to sit on the pot.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “I told him. He never listens to me at all.”

Some of you ladies… Look ladies, Vicks VapoRub does not cure everything.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Rub some Vicks on it.” “Okay. It’s bleeding.” “I don’t care, just rub it in.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: You guys ever, you know, you go to bed, your mom puts that Vicks VapoRub on your chest all over? Wasn’t that the longest night of your life?

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: You’re in there, “Ahh… I think I’m at Woodstock.”

Audience: (laughs)

Tim: “Wait a minute, ahhh…”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: My kids are crazy though, man, they’re nuts. I tell you, I love ’em to death, they’re just not… I mean, I got a little boy, he’s just like, he’s little and, uh, just crazy. I was walking down the stairs one time and I saw him eating a Milk-Bone dog biscuit.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: He’s my third child, so I let him.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Yeah. You parents know exactly what I’m talking about, you do. It’s not that you don’t love him as much, you just don’t care about certain things. You just a little more lackadaisical about certain issues. Eating a Milk-Bone, I’m like, “Shoot, go ahead, eat the thing.” It’s probably good for his teeth.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Look at that shiny coat, look at that.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “He’s beautiful. Get the Frisbee, go get the Frisbee.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Get the (laughs) Frisbee. I don’t know. When my three… You know, when my son was three, he’s like he, boys, they just make up games like they wanna hurt themselves.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: They do. I’m like out in the backyard one time, my son comes out, “Hey, dad, throw that brick at me and see if I can get out of the way!”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Go ahead! Kayla, it’s called Dad’s Brick, it’s great. Fling one right at my head and don’t tell me when you throw it. I’ll try to listen for the wind!”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: And he’s my third child.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Don’t you judge me.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: ‘Cause it wasn’t until that brick left my hand I was thinking, “This is probably not a good idea.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Then I “sh.. pow. Whoa!”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Ow, ow!” “Careful!”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Yeah. “Now go sit on the pot, son. Go sit on the pot.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “I don’t know why, just do it! I got some Vicks, I’ll be right back!”

I do a lot of comedy in churches though. I- I go to some really cool churches and some really messed up ones.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: No offense. No offense. No offense. I do.

See, if you’re not a Christian here, I mean, that’s cool, we’re glad you’re here, but we, yeah, no, Christians, they use language sometimes in like- like code. It’s like, it doesn’t mean what we’re saying. We have this- this phrase, servant’s heart. You ever hear that phrase, servant’s heart? Here that all the time. “Tim, you’ve got a servant’s heart, dude. You have got a servant’s heart.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: See, I hate it when somebody says I’ve got a servant’s heart. That means they want me to start stacking chairs.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: You know.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: I love the way people talk about their church, it’s like a code, you know, it’s another code. If you hear someone say about a place, “I love it there. I love the music there,” well that means the preaching stinks.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: That’s bad. Yeah, you see what I’m saying? Yeah, you know where I’m going with this. They say, “I love the music,” well, uh, “I love the preaching,” that means the music stinks. Hear somebody say about a place, “I love it there, no one judges me and I can be who I wanna be.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: You’re at a bar (laughing). That’s where you are. Just keeping it real folks, keeping it real.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: (laughs) I think the way we pray is, eh, prayer is, prayer is a powerful thing, but I think it’s when you grow up in church, it’s just you hear prayers all the time in different styles and stuff, and little quirks that people have when they pray. I don’t know, little phrases that I don’t understand to this day. But we use the phrases, but we- we, that’s just what we heard growing up. We think that’s just the right thing to say when we pray, you know like, hedge of protection. You ever hear that? Hear that a lot, hedge of protection. “Dan, we are praying a hedge of protection around you buddy.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “That’s right, a hedge, mm-hmm, around you and your whole family.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “The hedge, huh? I don’t mean to complain, is that the best you can do?”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “How ’bout a thick cement wall around me with some razor wire on top of that bad boy? Hedge of protection, get you a set of clippers, get right through that thing.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “I’m sure the devil’s got a set of those.” I mean, you think a hedge is gonna scare the devil away? He walks up like, “What is this greenery!”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “I can’t get through that! Move that bush!”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “My greatest weakness is landscaping, how did they know?”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: That’s how the devil walks, like this, whoa. He has that pointy tail, he doesn’t want to step on his tail. And he talks like a game show host, “Fantastic.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “You get the Turtle Wax.” (laughing)

Forget the last 30 seconds ever happened in your life. I know.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Some people, like when they pray they get nervous and they say” just” too much. You know, you’re praying in a small group, somebody’s like, “Lord, I just wanna just, we just, we just, just, we just. Just we just just in justliness and justification.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “And just, ’cause I just and we just,” and you’re like, “Just finish the prayer-”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “… you’re just not ready for this. Start stacking chairs. Come back next week and try again.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: My dad does this when he prays. He uses Father way too much when he prays. “Father, we come to you Father in the spirit of Father. Father, you are Father. We come to you Father. Father just, just Father, Father just. Just, just Father, Father.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: You don’t talk to your friends like that, “Ed, Ed, come over, Ed. Ed, Ed, Ed, you are Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed. Ooh, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed.” He wouldn’t be your friend anymore if you did that.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Like, “You keep saying Ed, my name’s Joe.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: The best though is the way people, way they pray over food, that’s the funniest. When we pray over food, we don’t know why we say, you ever heard this one, “Lord, bless this food and the hands that prepared it. The hands that prepared it.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Why not the whole body?

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: No. Just the hands.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: It’s like Jurassic Park “Eeekkk-eeee….”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: Eeeeeekkk-eee. (laughs) Best. love this one over food. Sometimes we pray over food and ask God to make up for our bad choices when we eat. That’s funny.

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: (laughs) No matter what it is, “Lord, bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies. Lord, bless this bag of Cheetos-”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “… and this jumbo Dr. Pepper, Lord. Somehow make this nourish us in some way.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “I don’t know how you’re gonna do it, Father, but we just trust in you now. Father, change the molecular structure of this food, this complete trash we’re about to shove in our gullet.”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Change the Cheeto into a carrot stick on the way down! Spirit of low-carb rain down on me now!”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “I pray a hedge of protection around my pancreas, Lord, right now!”

Audience: (laughing)

Tim: “Intervene!” Thank you.

Audience: (Applause and laughter)

John: Uh, well, we’re gonna have to end right there, I’m so sorry to say. Uh, this has been a great message from Tim Hawkins on Focus on the Family. And, Jim, I think we’ve all been-

Jim: (laughs)

John: … right where he was.

Jim: Yeah, we sure have, John. And more times than I can count. And I hope Tim’s message has helped you unwind a little bit and have a good laugh.

Uh, before we wrap up today, I just wanna remind you that Focus on the Family is listener supported. We rely on your gifts to stay on the air. So please partner with us as we share the hope of Christ with families who really need it.

And when you make a donation of any amount, I’d like to send you the DVD of this message from Tim Hawkins with lots of extra content, including some song parodies that Tim does so well. I know you’re gonna enjoy it.

John: Mm-hmm. Yeah, that DVD is so fun. And once again it’s called, Full Range of Motion. Ask for it when you call 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY. 800-232-6459. Or you can donate online and request that at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Next time, tune in for some practical advice on how to improve your relationship with a Gen Z child.

Jason Jimenez: If you’ve messed up, there’s always grace. And you kids actually wanna see that. That is a great model of faith, because we know that we’re born sinners-

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Jason: … and we’re saved by grace.

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