Day One:
John Fuller: Welcome to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller, and let me ask a question. Do you have a mentor? Uh, do you have a trusted, experienced advisor to kind of help you walk through various things in life? Today, we’re gonna explore some good advice and encouragement, the kind of help a, a mentor would provide for how to live a well-balanced, healthy, godly life.
Jim Daly: You know, John, I look back, I had two really good mentors that God brought into my life at just the right time, my football coach in high school, Paul Moro, who’s passed away, and then my first, what I would call my adult job, right? (laughs) The first big job you get in that paycheck?
John: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Jim: Uh, that was more in my early 20’s, when I went to work in the paper industry, and that was Jeff Eaves, who-
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … Taught me so much about business and, but also spiritual, spiritual things, and I’m grateful to both of those men, because they spoke into my life and really helped me better understand myself.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And, you know, Jeff had to do write-ups for me, performance write-ups, and he’d say, “Hey, you’re really good on this, but these are the things you need to work on.” And I … Uh, you know, that was m- kind of new to take that constructive criticism but-
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … From somebody I appreciated and respected. You know, there’s great examples of mentoring in the Bible. You think about the Apostle Paul with Timothy. That’s an obvious one, uh, Moses with Joshua, and of course, Jesus-
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … And how He taught the 12 disciples. He was mentoring them, and so mentoring is a biblical thing, in my opinion. Our guest today, Jessie Minassian, has spent, I think over 20 years mentoring young girls, uh, being a big sis to those girls-
John: Mm-hmm,
Jim: … And helping them. And for a time, she helped with our Brio Magazine. I so appreciated her work in that relationship, and I’m looking forward to, uh, leaning in and talking about this with her.
John: Mm-hmm. Yeah, Jessie has a great website, lifeloveandgod.com, and, uh, we’ll link over to that. We’re gonna pick her brain today, uh, on a variety of topics that, while centered on young girls are not specific to young girls, there’s a lot of learning applications, I think, for all of us here. Jessie has been, uh, with us before. She’s an author, speaker, and blogger, and she and her husband, Paul, have two teen girls of their own. Her newest book is really the foundation for our conversation today, Your Brightest Life: Tips for Navigating Relationships, Health, Faith, Mindset, and More.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
John: And you can learn more about Jessie’s great book and, uh, her ministry when you stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Jim: Jessie, welcome back to Focus on the Family.
Jessie Minassian: Thank you so much for having me.
Jim: (laughs) It’s good to have you here. And, uh, man, you know, it was 10 years ago, we were looking … The team was looking this up, and we recorded together. I think that was the first time.
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: And you introduced me to a new term, crushaholic.
Jessie: (laughs)
John: (laughs)
Jim: A teen girl term.
John: Yeah.
Jim: Yeah, crushaholic. You like that? It’s … It stuck with me.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: So, (laughs) uh, let’s get back to crushaholic. What is it, and what challenges do teen girls have today with crushaholicism?
Jessie: (laughs) Crushaholicism, we’ll just keep making up words.
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: It’s fantastic. Yeah, I kind of coined that term back then, um, when I wrote Crushed, um, to describe m- my life. That pretty much summed it up.
Jim: Ah.
Jessie: And so many teen girls, I think, kind of go from one like to the next to the next, and whether it’s stopped when they don’t receive that attention or affection from that guy that they’re crushing on, um, but there’s just, uh, it sort of can be summed up as a hole in our hearts that we’re trying to fill by, by love and attention from the opposite sex and-
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: Uh, sometimes it can be relatively harmless, and sometimes it can cause a lot of damage to our hearts, um, depending on the relationship that we’re in.
Jim: It’s so true, and we’re gonna spend a couple of days on this topic, so we want people to really get into it. And like you said, John, it’s applicable to all of our lives.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Um, but this will be aimed at, uh, you know, women and girls, but, men, we’ve got things in here too. Any guys ever kind of blossom around girls and start showing off a little bit?
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: “Oh, yeah. You got the same problem.”
John: (laughs)
Jim: Uh, it’s what we do. It’s what we do as human beings. It’s how we’re made. You talk about the concept within the Christian community of, uh, uh, brothers and sisters in Christ and treating one another as siblings.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: That’s really interesting. I’d never thought about it that way, but it’s a great concept. Explain it more thoroughly.
Jessie: Uh, yeah, I, I thought for a long time that we … What we’re really after that, even that crushaholicism, there’s a desire for connection and community.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: We’re, we’re looking for love and relationship, not just of the romantic variety, but we wanna be seen, we wanna be known. And when God designed family, He designed family to fill a big part of that for us, you know, with parents, with siblings. And we learn in scripture that, uh, God designed family, not just in the sense that we think of the nuclear family, but also in the faith family, that when we join His faith family, we get more mothers, and brothers, and sisters, and fathers, and daughters. And I know for me, and I believe Jim as well, and John, we have benefited from having other family members in the faith family who have poured into us-
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: … and have spoken into our lives. It was sort of revelatory for me to learn, as teen girls and as young adult women, having brothers in Christ, seeing them not just as a potential romantic relationship, but actually a brother that we can learn from.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: That we can learn how to throw football correctly-
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: … And we can learn how to, um, uh, just all the things that men bring to the table that we can learn from, and vice versa.
Jim: Well, and, you know, it’s … I remember a Christian camp I went to at 17, uh, I ended up kissing a girl. I mean-
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: So I, I would’ve benefited (laughs) from thinking of her as my sister.
Jessie: (laughs)
John: (laughs)
Jim: That would’ve helped me.
Jessie: I happen to-
Jim: There’s no way I would’ve been kissing my sister.
John: (laughs)
Jessie: Right?
Jim: So I kind of went-
Jessie: That’s a book title, I think I wanna write, Stop Kissing Your Sister.
Jim: (laughs) Oh, right. Because I mean I-
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: I mean, that’s part of it and, you know, that’s one of the things with my boys, I’m always trying to talk to them about in the dating moment, because they’ve … You know, they’re in their 20’s now, but even in that dating space, teens, 20-somethings, I’m constantly saying, “Now, you gotta remember, that girl is somebody’s future wife.”
Jessie: That’s right.
Jim: “So you gotta take care of her and take care of that relationship.”
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: I haven’t said, you know, “You need to think of them as your sister.”
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: That’s like a doorstopper, right there, (laughs) but that might be my next line.
Jessie: There is that, yeah.
Jim: But there is something to that. I took it when I ru- You know, was thinking of that question. I was thinking of it more in that context like-
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … You handle each other well.
Jessie: That’s right. That’s exactly right, to think, you know, “Unless you are husband and wife, you are brother and sister first.”
Jim: Right.
Jessie: And so how are you gonna approach this relationship? For girls, I’m saying, “How would you dress for your brother?” Like, “If you’re going out with your brother, how would you dress?” Like, “What kind of-”
Jim: Sweatpants, sweatshirts. (laughs)
Jessie: (laughs) That’s right. Be yourself a little bit more. (laughs)
Jim: Yeah, right. (laughs)
Jessie: And it takes off some of the pressure-
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: … And then also sets up some boundaries for just approaching the relationship in a God-honoring way.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Yeah. Well, the other thing is just, uh, generally, the lessons we learned about family, and you shared a story, and this is so heart-touching, I’ll say it that way. You regretted, uh, um, the lack of relationship or how your relationship was with your mom.
Jessie: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Jim: And, you know, uh, just describe the setup there.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: What was the difficulty or difficulties?
Jessie: Yeah. Yeah.
Jim: And was it ever mended?
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: Is your mom still here?
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: Uh, yeah.
Jessie: My mom and I actually had a very special relationship from an early age. Um, she was a single mom, and it was just she and I for the first five years of my life, and, um, she was my world. Uh, I loved my mom.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: But as I became a teenager, the world sort of, uh, turned on its axis and somehow just revolved around me. I don’t know how that happens, but- (laughs)
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: But it just- (laughs)
Jim: Just … Yeah, just happened.
Jessie: It just happened to be that I was the center of my world. And, uh, you know, in those teen years, looking back there, a lot of relationship, um, mistakes that I made, and, uh I, I don’t regret the fights that we had as much as I regret the apathy, that I lived-
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: … Under this same roof as this amazing woman for 18 years, and took her for granted so often. And at the time, you think, you know, you’re just focused on yourself, on your relationships, on school, on your stuff, and you don’t think that eventually change is gonna come, and it might come slowly or it might come all at once. And for me, everything changed the day I found out my mom had cancer.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: And we had nine months after that. And I was no longer in the house, but I, um … When I lost her at 27, I regretted so many of those years that I could have done relationship with her better-
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: … That I could have taken advantage of all the wisdom that she had to offer, all the late night m- baking in the kitchen or whatever.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: You know, sewing.
Jim: The moments.
Jessie: Yeah, those, all those moments, and it makes me super passionate to help families take advantage of those moments now, and to, to make the most of family.
Jim: You, uh … That, that’s so touching. It’s so true that you, you don’t wanna lose that time. And it’s unfortunate when we get news like that.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: You know, my mom died of cancer. I was nine, but all of a sudden, it’s finite.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And I think as children, as teenagers, we don’t envision our parents going away.
Jessie: Oh, never.
Jim: Dying.
Jessie: Never. Yeah.
Jim: To be blunt.
Jessie: Uh-huh.
Jim: You know, you just don’t think of it that way. They’re gonna be there forever.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And, and then you get that news, and it’s like, “Wow, it’s a lonely …” I mean, I’m getting choked up thinking about it.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: It’s a lonely place-
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: … When … Especially if you’re a child or a teenager, because you just don’t know what’s gonna happen, and, and you’ve lost something so deep-
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: … So good. You speak in the book about, uh, a Family Manifesto-
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … Which I think is great. I don’t think we have one.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: The fact that I don’t know it (laughs) is probably the case.
Jessie: (laughs)
John: Probably not. Yeah.
Jim: But that Family Manifesto, what, what does it look like? Yeah, uh, uh, how do you create it? What do you put in it?
Jessie: The Family Manifesto is basically a list of 14, uh, statements that I created in light of wanting to do family well, and to help teens and young adults take advantage of the years that they have with their parents and their siblings in their home. So it’s things like, you know, “I’ll tell my family I love them every chance I get.”
Jim: That’s great. I like that.
Jessie: You know, uh, “I’ll get my camera out and actually take photos, or let my parents take photos.” You know, they always (laughs) get so upset when (laughs) I get my camera out, but I want those memories. I wanna record those memories in my, on my camera or in my journal. Um, we’ll fight fair, you know, the things like-
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: You know, all families are gonna disagree, but we wanna learn to, to disagree well, and to not use weapons that are gonna hurt each other.
Jim: Yeah, that’s good.
Jessie: Um, you know, so it’s just a way to be intentional about doing family relationships well.
Jim: Well, it sounds like things that circle around treating each other well, speaking well to each other.
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: Speaking life over each other.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Those are all good, good things.
John: Yeah.
Jim: Um, a lot of teens and parents … Uh, that’s one of the top things people will contact us about, is difficult relationships between them as the parent and our teens or our 20-somethings even. What are some things that parents can do? You sounded like as a teen girl, you were, you kind of had the seeds of this, the fact that the Lord has used you to create a Family Manifesto as evidence of that.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: You may be a little unique that way. A lot of teens just turn off with their parents.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And they, you know, they don’t care. “You can try to connect with me, but I don’t wanna connect with you.”
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And you think about that, what can a parent do? It feels like you’re trying with no tools, like, you know …
Jessie: (laughs) That’s so relatable. (laughs)
Jim: Yeah. Like, yeah, “He- Help me.”
Jessie: Yes. No, the- There’s a lot to unpack there, and I would say it goes both ways. I think, yes, our teens, they are in that space that most of us were in, at that age of the world revolving around them. They’re not thinking about mom and dad as parents with actual names, people with names, and dreams, and goals, and heartache, and all that you’re sacrificing to provide for them in this season of their life, all the ways that you’re trying to love them.
Jim: Just don’t say those things. (laughs)
Jessie: Uh, don’t say it.
Jim: (laughs) I’m sitting there going, “Ah!”
Jessie: I keep it breezy. Keep it breezy.
Jim: “Do you know what I’m doing for you?”
Jessie: Right? No. This is-
Jim: Don’t, don’t do that.
Jessie: This has been an, uh … Yeah. I’ve … This is hard for me as well, but learning to love with no expectation in return is what Christ modeled for us.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: And what we get to learn on a deeper level in this season of raising teens and young adults is being the person who will always love, always support, always provide, and not have the expectation that it’s gonna be reciprocated evenly.
Jim: This is a, a really personal question, so I wanna apologize before I ask it.
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: But I think it, there’ll be some gold in your answer. The relationship you had with your mom and that difficulty that you described, going back to when you were a teen and the negligence that you described that you had for her and m- m- didn’t really make the time to be with her, uh, is that turned around with your own two teen daughters-
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … Or is it like God’s little lesson here?
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: You remember how you treated your mom? Well, guess what? Your kids are gonna treat you like that too.
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: Have you tasted that, or have you broken that? Have you been able to break that generational thing?
Jessie: Both.
Jim: Okay.
Jessie: I think, both. I think there’s an element where I got a taste of my own medicine, (laughs) and there’s also-
Jim: You did get a little bit of that.
Jessie: Uh, oh, you know, every parent prays that their kid-
Jim: And that … That-
Jessie: … Will get one just like them and, uh- (laughs)
Jim: That’s super healthy, though, for the parent to see that.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: “Oh my goodness, I- They’re treating me just like I treated my mom or my dad.”
Jessie: Oh, for sure. For sure.
Jim: If you can see it, that’s a good thing.
Jessie: Uh, yes, absolutely. And on the flip side, I feel like I’ve had some really great mentors in my life who have, have taught me how to parent teenagers well, and I’ve taken that advice to heart, and so I’ve been laying groundwork for, you know, since they were little, and how to create lines of communication, and how to show them love in the way that they receive it. So I think, uh, for the parent who sees their teen is just not caring and not wanting to be involved in, in their parent’s life at all, some of that sometimes is how we’re coming across as parents.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: It’s pain.
Jessie: Uh, it’s- (laughs)
Jim: It’s pain in the child’s heart of some sort.
Jessie: Absolutely, absolutely.
Jim: Because it’s not natural.
Jessie: It … Or they feel like, you know, they’ve, they’re gonna get a lecture or-
Jim: Right. Yup.
Jessie: Or they don’t believe that their parents have their best interest at heart.
Jim: And I think that advice for the parent who is struggling in that, go to work.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Be the architect. Figure it out. Where’s the building week?
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Where’s that relationship week? You’re the adult. Figure out how to connect with your teen.
Jessie: Yeah. Yeah. And my favorite word in this season is breezy, you know?
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: Like, I just … I’m gonna keep it breezy with my kids. I’m not gonna lecture. They might tell me something-
Jim: Oh, that’s good.
Jessie: … That absolutely freaks me out. I’m gonna be so breezy. I’m like ice-cold Mother Teresa. I’m like (laughs) just- (laughs)
Jim: It’s so funny. Troy, Troy has always been our compliant child. He’s great. And I remember one day, uh, just for fun, he did this. I was like, “Hey, could you get the garbage?” He goes …
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: With his hand, a little hand signal for the radio listeners, but it was W-E.
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: And I’m looking at him going, “What’s W-E?” He goes, “Whatever.”
John: (laughs)
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: And then he started laughing. It was so funny. I thought, “Oh, that’s good.”
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: “That was good, whatever.” So now, I do it back to him.
Jessie: That’s fantastic.
John: It’s good to be playful.
Jim: Whatever.
Jessie: Yes.
John: (laughs) Yeah.
Jessie: Playful, okay. Parents, honestly, we get so caught up in all the lessons that we have to teach our kids.
Jim: (laughs) Yes.
Jessie: We are such like-
Jim: You’re making my skin curl.
Jessie: … Stuck in the mud like so … Uh, they, they know what we’re gonna say before we even say it.
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: Like, let- Have fun with them.
Jim: Yeah, that’s good.
Jessie: Know that they know all the lessons that you’ve been trying to teach since they were little.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: They’ve heard it.
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: They don’t need to hear it again in this moment. Like m- ask-
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: Uh, ask good questions. Ask them what they think, and actually listen to the answer, instead of telling your opinion.
Jim: Yeah.
John: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Jessie: Like, just work on treating them as e- people who have an opinion and who have the ability to make good choices and bad choices.
Jim: Yeah. Yeah.
Jessie: But, you know, it changes relationship.
Jim: Buckle up. Yeah.
Jessie: It changes relationship.
Jim: It’s so true.
John: Good insights from Jessie Minassian today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. And, uh, Jessie’s book, Your Brightest Life is kind of the centerpiece for the discussion today. Get a copy of it and, uh, you can find out more online. Uh, the link is at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. And Jessie, uh, the book has so many practical elements to it. One of them is, is what you … Uh, I, I see it right now because you walk in the room and you’re smiling. And that’s one of your tips for young girls, for frankly all of us, is smile more at people. Uh, what’s the impact of a smile?
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: That’s good.
Jessie: This was, uh, fascinating to me. I was traveling to visit my nephew, little, uh, 9-month-old little boy. And he … Uh, his family is all Asian, and I don’t look much like their family, but every time I smiled at him, he would come with the biggest grin.
Jim: Hmm.
Jessie: Just big … Uh, I’m a sucker for making a baby smile, you guys.
Jim: (laughs)
John: (laughs)
Jessie: I, I honestly, I’m the weird lady in the checkout line who’s (laughs) like making faces at that baby until they smile.
Jim: “Oh, look at the baby.”
John: (laughs)
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: (laughs) And I just could not get enough. And as I was, I was on (laughs) my way home … I, I think too much, but I was thinking about, “Why would my nephew have smiled back at me?” Like, “What made him trust me?”
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: Like, uh, babies, the- They’re unfiltered in their emotions. Like they’re gonna cry if they’re freaked out.
Jim: Right.
Jessie: Like it’s not like they have an obligation to smile back.
Jim: They don’t hide it.
Jessie: They don’t hide their emotions. So for him to smile back at me means that he felt like he could trust me, he felt a sense of connection with me, and made him happy. It brought him joy, and I thought, “What brought him joy? It was only my facial expressions.” And I don’t think we grow out of that.
Jim: Uh-huh.
Jessie: As adults, we can communicate warmth, and trust, and, uh, confidence, and care for another person simply by communicating with our face. (laughs)
Jim: (laughs) That’s good.
Jessie: Showing an expression on our face that’s positive, and it comes across as confident-
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: And people respond in return. I’ll get a door held open, or I got a free sparkling water just for smiling. (laughs)
Jim: You know, I’ve gotta be more mind … So Jean … I’ll put this together. You can analyze this. So, you know, one time in our parenting, she said, “You, you, you need to get down on a knee with the boys when they were little, ’cause when you speak to them, you’re a big guy-”
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: “… And it is freaking them out.”
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: “And I can see it when you’re trying to correct them or whatever.” It- It’s more fear than it is … Your heart may know it, but your face ain’t showing it, right?
Jessie: (laughs) That’s right.
Jim: You- You- We’re just stern.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And we gotta remember to express ourselves in that joy. Is that fair?
Jessie: Uh, that is fair, which means we have to actually be feeling joy too. And as Christians, I think, you know, we can, we can get so serious (laughs) all the time.
Jim: Yes, we can. Now, uh, talking about expressing joy, what’s the Zumba dance that you talk about in the book? (laughs)
Jessie: Oh, okay. We’re go- (laughs)
Jim: (laughs) And that’s related.
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: Hey, you talked about it.
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: Okay. Have you heard of Zumba?
Jim: I think I have.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Isn’t that the thing that cleans your floor?
Jessie: (laughs)
John: (laughs)
Jessie: I think that’s a Roomba.
John: (laughs)
Jim: Oh, that’s Roomba.
John: That’s something else.
Jim: I got my Roomba and my Zumba. Okay.
Jessie: Zumba is like a Latin-inspired exercise class-
Jim: Oh, you’re already getting into it.
Jessie: … Where you’re like … Yeah, you- Well, you kind of have to, but I’m not gonna get too into it, because I have the moves of an injured antelope running for its life, honestly-
Jim: (laughs) Injured antelope.
Jessie: … Which is why I was so nervous to go to this class because-
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: … you know, I want, I want in my mind to have the moves-
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: … Of a certain Latina pop star, but it just doesn’t come out right usually.
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: So I show up to this class, and I’m all up in my head. I’m so intimidated. I’m like, “Everyone’s gonna be smooth except me. I just know it.” And I walk into the room, and there’s this woman who’s middle-aged, gray hair, pulls out of her bag this jingly, sparkly scarf. She may have borrowed it from a Babylonian belly dancer, I don’t know.
Jim: (laughs) Right.
John: (laughs)
Jessie: But it was-
Jim: Sounds little gypsy.
Jessie: … Really attention-grabbing, we’ll just say that.
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: And she ties it around her waist-
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: … And she gives her hips a little shake. (laughs) And I’m like, “Wow, here I am, so nervous and intimidated and all up in my head, and here’s a woman who is just here to have fun and to be herself.”
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: And, and, and that’s okay. And it just reminded me, uh, as a believer, I should be the most joyful one in the room and-
Jim: That’s true.
Jessie: … To come in and to just have fun. Like, there are a lot of heavy things in the world. Like I get that. I know that we do have real cultural things that are, that are hard, but at the same time, we should have joy. We should have laughter. We should be able to dance like nobody’s watching-
Jim: Right.
Jessie: … and just have fun and be okay with that.
Jim: Dance like nobody … Why do you keep coming back to this dancing?
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: I tell you, I could talk to a group of 5,000 people, I’d be completely fine. Make me dance, I’m terrified.
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: Terrified. (laughs)
Jessie: That’s it, Zumba. We’re signing you up, Jim. (laughs)
John: (laughs)
Jim: I’m only doing Roomba.
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: I’m gonna ride that Roomba.
John: Yeah. (laughs)
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: I’ll bring the scarf for you.
John: Oh, my.
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: And Jean loves dancing.
John: Ah.
Jim: You know, I feel bad for her, she married somebody who doesn’t really care about it.
Jessie: (laughs)
Jim: But, uh, hey, you encourage young women, and all of us, to believe in miracles. That’s, uh, you know, that can be a dicey thing. You talk about dancing with freedom. I mean, this idea that God could still do miracles, uh, speak to the importance of believing for miracles-
John: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: … And then your experience with it.
Jessie: I think most of us, if we read the scripture cover-to-cover, know that no word does it say God has stopped doing miracles, and we know hypothetically and theologically that yes, God can perform miracles, but I think in our own lives, we get so caught up in the here and now, that we forget that God’s, is the same God. He’s still capable, and I had a very real experience with this, uh, years ago. I was at Yosemite National Park with my husband. He, uh, does landscape photography, and so we had gone from one end of the park to the other. Was covered in snow. It was New Year’s Day-
Jim: Oh.
Jessie: … One end of the park to the other, taking photos. And near the end of the day, we pulled into Curry Village to get a snack, and he looked down and he said, “Jess, my wedding ring’s gone.” And we thought, “Oh.” Like there’s no way. Like where … Uh, who knows where it could be? We checked the car, we checked the seat cushions, you know, and we’re just like, “Okay, it’s, it’s gone.” And on our way out of Yosemite that night, we were driving out, he said, “You know, I just wanna go back to one more spot, this spot that we had gone at the beginning of the day, ’cause it’ll be better lighting.”
Jim: All the way over on the other side of the park?
Jessie: I’m like, “Okay.” Yeah, on the other side of the park.
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: So I’m like, “Okay, sure, fine.” You know, we went, and he ran off with his camera down the trail, and I was trailing behind and just walking along in the snow, and I just prayed this prayer, “Lord, I know You know where that ring is, and I know it’s not a big deal in light of eternity, but if You would just show us where it is, we would remember every New Year’s Day that You’re a God who does miracles.”
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: And I kid you not, I looked, uh, down at my feet in the snow, and making a perfect silver circle was Paul’s ring.
Jim: Mm-hmm. Wow.
Jessie: Right in the snow.
Jim: Right at your feet. Right at that moment.
Jessie: Right at my feet. Right at that moment.
Jim: Okay.
Jessie: And I, I just … So now, every New Year’s Day, we throw a party, (laughs) remembering and-
Jim: So you kept your promise?
Jessie: Uh, we did. And a few years later, we were hiking in the Sierra Nevada mountains, we had hiked eight miles that day, pulled into camp, exhausted, and Paul looks down, and his wedding ring is gone.
John: Oh my goodness.
Jessie: And I thought, first of all, “Why did we not get that ring size the first time?” Like-
John: (laughs)
Jim: You need to eat more.
Jessie: We are idiots. (laughs)
Jim: (laughs)
John: (laughs)
Jessie: We need to fatten you up a little bit.
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: And honestly, I was so embarrassed. I didn’t even wanna pray. I didn’t pray. I was like, God-
Jim: Oh, man.
Jessie: God already returned it once. Like asking a second time, that’s a little presumptuous. (laughs) But we looked around the camp, and we didn’t find it, and he’s like, “I’m gonna go hike up this mountain up here to get the sunset.” I’m like, “That’s fine. I’m staying here. It’s cold.”
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: So I got into the tent, and as I was walking into the tent, I was praying, “Lord, I’m so embarrassed to even ask, but I know You know where Paul’s wedding (laughs) ring is, and clearly, You can do miracles. You’ve (laughs) done it before. So if You wouldn’t mind showing us where it is-”
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: “… We would remember that You are a God who not only does miracles, but is incredibly patient with us.”
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: And I pulled the sleeping bag up as I got into my bag, and it was sitting on top of the sleeping bag.
Jim: Ah.
Jessie: And I just … I was just in tears. Like, “What a kind God.”
Jim: Yeah. You know, I wonder how many of those things we don’t even notice-
John: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … Even as believers-
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: … That we’re not in tune enough-
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: … To really see the little-
Jessie: Yeah. I don’t think so.
Jim: Little gestures that God is doing for us every day.
Jessie: For sure. Absolutely, every day.
Jim: You know? I think when we get to heaven, that maybe that’s all out there for us and we see it all.
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: And we just drop to our knees-
Jessie: I, I think we will.
Jim: … going, “Lord, I had no clue.”
Jessie: Absolutely. And I have to share the third story about missing rings, though, because this does sort of, uh, bring another-
Jim: You had a third incident?
Jessie: Uh, I’m so embarrassed to say, Jim.
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: Except this time, it was my wedding ring.
Jim: (laughs) Oh my goodness.
Jessie: And I threw a series of events that I don’t need to get into, had to punch a life-size hockey puck for a camera, for a video that we were making at a Christian camp so- (laughs)
Jim: Wow, yeah.
Jessie: Somehow, during the punching scene, the- my wedding ring flew off my hand into a front yard. It was not, not a mountain. It was not Yosemite covered in snow. It was just a front yard with some grass. And so I was feeling a little confident like, “Okay, God, this is child’s play to You.”
Jim: I can- I got this one.
Jessie: I … (laughs) We looked in the grass, didn’t find it. I’m praying like, “Lord, clearly You can do miracles.”
Jim: (laughs)
Jessie: “Clearly You know where this ring is.”
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: I never found my wedding ring.
Jim: Oh, wow.
Jessie: And mine was more expensive than Paul’s. I’m a little salty at God about that one, but-
Jim: (laughs) Oh, interesting.
Jessie: I think the three stories are all part to one whole truth, that God can do miracles. He wants us to ask. He- We can ask again and again, even when we’ve asked before, because He doesn’t tire of giving good gifts to His kids, and when He does say no, it’s for a higher purpose that maybe we can’t see in that moment, but we can trust that He’s a good God.
Jim: Yeah, and I think the question there, Jessie, is, “How do you not become bitter-”
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: “… Over an- Him not answering that one?”
Jessie: That’s right. That’s right, because He said no to healing my mom from cancer.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: He said no to finding that wedding ring, which is such child’s play. He said no to a job that I really wanted, or, you know … We have to be able to ask for those miracles and trust the response. Like that, that, I feel like is true faith.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Yeah, that’s so good. Well, this whole conversation has been good, I think. And it’s your book, Your Brightest Life: Tips for Navigating Relationships, Health, Faith, Mindset, and More, and it’s a excellent resource. Um, and it’s been good to have you. I do want to come back and keep it going. There’s much more in the book, and we’re not even gonna cover it all in two days.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Um, I hope you will want to get a copy of this. And if you can partner with us in ministry, send us a gift of any amount, we’ll send you the book as our way of saying thank you. Thank you for helping marriages, thank you for helping parents do the best job they can do, helping teen girls, which, uh, goes through Brio Magazine. That’s what those dollars go into doing. And, uh, I would so appreciate your participation with us. And again, we’ll send you the book to say thank you.
John: Yeah. Donate when you call 800, the letter A, and the word, FAMILY, or we’ll have details for you at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Jim: In fact, John, we’re looking for a thousand people to join that monthly giving, uh, opportunity. Jean and I donate that way. I know you and Dena do.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Uh, we call it Friends of Focus on the Family, the team, and that provides the financial fuel to keep it all going. So it’s a great way to be engaged, and it really helps us with the annual budgeting process.
John: Yeah, and you can join our Friends of Focus on the Family team when you call that toll free number. Again, it’s 800, the letter A, and the word, FAMILY, or, uh, look for the link to donate at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. And on behalf of the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller, inviting you back as we continue the conversation with Jessie Minassian, and once again, help you and your family thrive in Christ.
Day Two:
Jessie Minassian: The Family Manifesto is basically a list of 14 statements that I created in light of wanting to do family well and to help teens and young adults take advantage of the years that they have with their parents and their siblings in their home. So it’s things like, you know, I’ll tell my family I love them every chance I get.
Jim Daly: That’s good. I like that.
Jessie: You know, I’ll- I’ll get my camera out and actually take photos, or let my parents take photos. You know, they always (laughs) get so upset when I get my camera out. But I want those memories. I want to record those memories in my- on my camera or in my journal.
John Fuller: That’s Jessie Minassian describing just one of the many suggestions she has for teen girls and their families. Jessie’s back with us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. And I’m John Fuller.
Jim: John, we had a wonderful conversation last time with Jessie about better ways to live. There’s a headline. And in your family and relationships, how to live out your faith in very practical ways. For 20 years now, Jessie has been a spiritual big sister to teen girls and young women at her website, lifeloveandgod.com. And she’s written numerous books, including the one we heard about last time, Your Brightest Life: Tips for Navigating Relationships, Health, Faith, Mindset, and More. Now, Jessie’s target audience is young women, but as we dug into the content last time, we discovered there’s a lot of godly advice and encouragement that applies to all of us. And I think there’s, uh, good stuff here for the entire family. If you missed the conversation last time, contact us to get a copy of that or watch the entire interview on YouTube or get the Focus app for your phone.
John: Yeah, and Jim, as the father of three daughters, they’re grown now, but I so appreciated Jessie’s insights about how I can encourage and support them to become the women God designed them to be. There’s so much here, as you said. Uh, learn more about Jessie and her book Your Brightest Life at our website, focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Jim: Jessie, welcome back for day two.
Jessie: Thanks for having me.
Jim: (laughs). It’s so much fun. Now we’re gonna kick this off with a funny story, I think-
Jessie: (laughs).
Jim: … uh, related to Poison Oak that you had in the book. Uh, some guy named Jim, and it wasn’t me.
Jessie: (laughs).
John: (laughs).
Jessie: It wasn’t you.
Jim: So what- what does Poison Oak and you and this Jim guy have in common?
Jessie: Yeah, it really, it sort of was part of the impetus for this whole book. So we moved to a little town in Central California coastline, and it’s beautiful. I mean, people come make their vacation reels on Instagram. And those-
Jim: Oh, nice.
Jessie: … it’s a beautiful, rolling hills, the vineyards, but there is enough Poison Oak to cover a small country.
Jim: (laughs).
Jessie: Like it’s- it’s terrifying. And I didn’t have a whole lot of experience with Poison Oak, but it surrounds my house.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: And I was a little freaked out that I was gonna leave and walk through my yard, get the mail, and come home with a rash. So (laughs) I asked-
Jim: Right.
Jessie: Right?
Jim: That’s wisdom.
Jessie: So my neighbor comes by and I ask him, I’m like, “Jim, like, what do you do? How do you get rid of this plant? How- what do you do with a plant that bites back?” And he’s like, “Oh, I used to get Poison Oak real bad.” I’m like, “Oh, okay. Well, what’d you do? Did you like get rid of it? Did you hire someone?” He’s like, “Oh, no, no. What you got to do,” and he walks over to a plant, a bush of it, and he pulls a leaf off and he pops it in his mouth. He says, “You got to eat a little bit of it.” And I- I’m freaking out. I’m like, is this man gonna swell up in front of me? Do I need to call an ambulance? (laughs).
John: (laughs).
Jim: Right. I’m like, my jaw’s down right here going, don’t do that.
Jessie: This man’s crazy. I mean, he was- he was in his probably 70s, graying hair. I mean, it looked like he had earned his head of wisdom.
Jim: Okay.
Jessie: Like, you know, he’s- he knew a thing or two. So I, you know, clearly I’m a generation who loves Google. So I went straight to Google and said, can you build an immunity to Poison Oak by eating it? And I got no good answers.
Jim: (laughs).
Jessie: People are like, why would you even try?
Jim: Right.
Jessie: That’s crazy. Wh- what (laughs) possessed you to do that?
John: (laughs).
Jim: My neighbor.
John: (laughs).
Jessie: (laughs). So I asked, uh, another younger neighbor.
Jim: (laughs).
Jessie: I’m like, “Have you heard of the… Like, I- I, you know, I’m kind of crazy, I’m- I’m game to try weird things, but have you heard of anybody doing it?” She said, “Oh my gosh, all the old timers say that, but I don’t know anyone brave enough to try it-
Jim: Oh my.
Jessie: … our age.” (laughs) And so I thought, well, I apparently am that person. And the great thing about being an author is that if it goes south, it’s always a good story (laughs).
John: It’s good content.
Jim: Yeah. So you never did it?
Jessie: No, I did. So I started out with a little tiny piece of Poison Oak.
Jim: Did you break out?
Jessie: I… Well, I first made my will and testament.
Jim: (laughs).
Jessie: My last will and testament, because I didn’t know how this was gonna end.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: And then I cut it up into tiny, tiny little pieces and I put it in a glass of water, because I didn’t want it to touch my lips-
Jim: Okay.
Jessie: … so I wouldn’t get like a bad Botox job or something (laughs) if it d-…
Jim: Oh my.
Jessie: And I drank it down and I made it a full 24 hours with no itching, and I breathed a sigh of relief. And since then have been working my way up in leaf piece sizes. Now I am up to like a full leaf in my salad.
Jim: A bushel (laughs).
Jessie: (laughs).
Jim: In your salad?
John: Wow.
Jim: Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
John: (laughs).
Jessie: Because he said you have to keep it… Okay. We need to put a disclaimer in this show.
John: I was just gonna say, we need a medical disclaimer.
Jessie: Like, this is not medical advice.
John: Yes.
Jim: This is Jim.
Jessie: And if you try this, we’ll just blame Jim.
Jim: Neighbor Jim.
Jessie: Like he… It is Jim’s fault.
Jim: So have you- have you tested the outside of your-
Jessie: Well, that-
Jim: … skin?
Jessie: Okay. So this, it- it was a year, and I-
Jim: (laughs).
Jessie: … tell this story at the beginning of the book, and I knew by the end of the book, I was gonna have to actually say like whether this works in real life. And I was terrified (laughs). But I eventually got up the nerve and I went and I got a leaf and I touched it to my skin and it actually did work. I got like a few tiny little bumps and they went away on their own, like didn’t break out.
Jim: Wow.
Jessie: And so I can say-
Jim: Don’t try this at home.
Jessie: … don’t try it at home, but it worked for Jessie (laughs).
Jim: Jessie and Jim only.
Jessie: But it got me to thinking what other advice do the old timers have that would make my life richer-
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: … the path smoother, the way better, that help me live a life of faith and one of joy that maybe I- I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to try, but if I am, you know, could-
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: … could it go well? And so that is kind of the heart bit behind this book.
Jim: It’s kind of interesting, Paul writes about, we know God through His nature, right?
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: There’s enough evidence on this earth.
Jessie: Yes.
Jim: Those are kind of the little anecdotes that, you know, if you apply the scripture to it, yeah, it works.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: So we’re- we’re grateful that you’re here.
Jessie: Thank you (laughs). Me too.
Jim: (laughs).
John: (laughs).
Jim: You have someone in the book that you called Cassie. I’m- I’m sure the name is changed, but you said she’s one of the most beautiful women that you ever saw.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And then as you got to know her, diff- different circumstances, you realized she did not have that opinion of herself. So describe that, the observation of that and talking with her about it.
Jessie: Mm-hmm. Yeah, it was, uh, quite a few years ago, I was doing research for a book on beauty. And I did a survey for women of my acquaintance just to get a handle on, you know, what- how they felt about themselves. And I thought for sure that Cassie… I mean, I literally, I was so intimidated to talk to her. It was really silly.
Jim: Oh, that’s interesting.
Jessie: Like she was so beautiful, it took me two weeks to get up the nerve just to say hi to her and like meet her. I worked with her. And she was the picture of down to earth and seemed really confident, and so I thought I would give her this survey as well, because surely she would help balance things out-
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: … for the rest of us insecure women, right?
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: To give a little perspective. But she, her answers ended up being the most insecure of all of us. That she listed a long list of things that she wanted to change and was really down on herself. And it just, uh, helped me understand that we as women, we really… It doesn’t come naturally to see the beauty hiding right under our noses.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Why do you think that is? I mean, somebody that you, as a woman, you’re observing how beautiful she is…
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … you just wouldn’t think someone like that is struggling at all. You would think that her struggle would be humility.
Jessie: Something else. Yeah (laughs). Right? Yeah.
Jim: You know, so the Lord made me so beautiful, how do I…
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: Like, but it’s not that.
Jessie: No.
Jim: It’s always the imperfection.
Jessie: Yeah. And we’re getting a- an IV drip of perfection from the media since we were young, you know-
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: … since our magazine days, for those of us a little bit older. But now-
Jim: But internet.
Jessie: … for this generation-
Jim: Yeah, digital.
Jessie: … from the internet, they’re getting a constant IV drip of how they should look, and- and everything’s touched up and airbrushed. And the enemy loves to take those lies and twist them. And I believe, Jim, it’s because God designed women to be beautiful. It’s part of our inherent nature to be the beautiful counterpart to Adam.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: And the enemy loves to take anything that God has designed, and twist it and turn it into lies that he feeds us.
Jim: Speak to that devastating effect though, I think digitally, magazines, of course it had that impact, but now with a new type of imagery, I think it’s even more devastating and more potent.
Jessie: Absolutely. Yeah.
Jim: So, what- how does that affect our young girls today, both Christian and non-Christian?
Jessie: Oh, it has huge effects. And I think now we’re seeing, you know, I think it’s more common knowledge now. We’re seeing lots of research about the effects of social media on young women and their views to convince them that they have to be over-sexualized to be beautiful.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: And it- it’s devastating to a girl’s heart.
Jim: It’s interesting how the enemy can rob that. I- I’m just thinking about that. How boys, men, exploit that, you know?
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Put guilt trip on a woman in that area-
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … so he can get what he wants from her, whatever that might be. But there are chains of bondage in all of that, and the more you can de-link yourself and understand how God sees you, and that’s true for all of us, but it seems to be so potent with women and girls.
Jessie: Yeah, absolutely. And that’s one of my hopes, is just to bring freedom into this area, to help girls see the truth behind the lies and see the beauty that is already woven into their DNA, and actually appreciate it. I’m like, what’s the point of being beautiful if you don’t even appreciate the beauty that you have? (laughs).
Jim: You have a long list of what you’re not measuring up to.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: That woman, Cassie, I mean, that’s sad, really. Okay, let’s move to the rat story.
Jessie: (laughs).
John: (laughs).
Jim: That’s a bit of a turn, but…
John: Yeah (laughs).
Jim: … from beauty to rats. Um, your husband and the rat story.
Jessie: Oh, this is a fun story.
Jim: Now, Jean, if you’re listening, put your fingers in your ears, because you’re not gonna like this one. She’s an animal lover.
Jessie: (laughs).
Jim: So, yeah, so-
Jessie: Even rats?
Jim: Well, you know, they’re all creatures.
Jessie: Oh, okay. Okay.
Jim: (laughs).
Jessie: Well, I- I am a very… I’m a pretty strong woman, but I have a thing for rodents. I just cannot do rodents.
Jim: What do you mean you have a thing for rodents?
Jessie: Like- like I can’t-
Jim: You like them?
Jessie: No.
Jim: (laughs).
Jessie: No. They terrify me. You know, everyone… I can handle snakes, I can handle spiders. Like all the…
Jim: Wow.
Jessie: … rodents? I don’t know. I just-
Jim: They’re creepy.
Jessie: … uh, they’re creepy.
Jim: Okay.
Jessie: I don’t- I don’t like them.
Jim: So…
Jessie: And so my husband and I, were newly married. We’re renting a little house in a California beach town, and it gets toasty. And in that part of California, you don’t have air conditioning. So if it gets toasty, you know, you gotta open some windows. It was hot. So I’m like, hun, like let’s just open the front door, get a little fresh air. He’s worried about security, as men often do. And we’re sitting on the couch, and all of a sudden something runs by. And I will tell you, if you’ve seen Princess Bride, you have seen-
John: (laughs).
Jim: (laughs).
Jessie: … the thing that ran by, the rodent of unusual size, that ran into our apartment. And I jumped up on the couch like a little girl and screamed. And I’m like, “Get it, honey. Get it.” (laughs). And he, my brave knight sprung into action.
Jim: Dun, dun, dah, dah.
Jessie: He ran down the hallway, cornered the fiend into in the kitchen. And I hear the commentary. I’m up on the couch, like total chicken, listening to the commentary in the kitchen. And it is hilarious. You know, I’m hearing banging and- and things. And he’s like, “Oh, uh, oh. Oh, I think I got it. It’s in the stove.” And I’m like, “Oh, it’s in the stove?” And he’s like, “Yeah, yeah, I think I got it.”
Jim: (laughs).
Jessie: And he’s standing there holding my kitchen knife in his hand.
Jim: The best knife (laughs).
Jessie: And I looked at him, and never mind that he faced my worst nightmare-
Jim: (laughs).
Jessie: … challenged the fiend to a duel and won.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: I- I looked at him and said, “You used my kitchen knife?”
Jim: (laughs).
Jessie: I was so mad at him (laughs).
Jim: That’s marriage.
John: Oh my goodness.
Jessie: It was… It is so marriage.
John: (laughs).
Jessie: But I learned that if we want men to be their best selves, to be brave, to come to our rescue, to be good fathers, to bring justice to the world-
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: … we’re gonna have to cut them a little slack if they do things a little differently than we women would want them done.
Jim: I would appreciate that. How about you, John?
Jessie: (laughs).
John: I- I like slack (laughs).
Jim: (laughs).
Jessie: (laughs). Sometimes bravery makes a mess.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: And we need to be okay with that as women.
Jim: That was so sweet of him to go to battle for you.
Jessie: It was. It was sweet.
Jim: Yeah. I’d- I would’ve said, “Yeah, he’ll leave sometime-
John: Yeah.
Jim: … just leave the door open.”
John: (laughs).
Jessie: (laughs). Probably.
Jim: Let’s get some food and we’ll run it out the door.
John: There you go.
Jim: Right?
John: There you go.
Jim: You don’t have to get violent (laughs). The cautionary tale.
John: Mm-hmm. Yeah, this is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. And our guest today is Jessie Minassian. And, uh, we’re covering just some of the content in her terrific resource, um, aimed at helping you parent your teen daughter or, uh, as you work with teen girls. But this is really life application stuff for all of us. Uh, the book is called Your Brightest Life: Tips for Navigating Relationships, Health, Faith, Mindset and More. And, uh, you can get a copy from us here at the ministry when you, uh, stop by our website. And that’s focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. And Jessie, uh, in this book, you tell so many stories. One of them had to do, uh, it was a kind of a fairy tale, um, about a baby dragon. And so-
Jim: (laughs).
John: … I’d love for you to tell that story, because there’s a great application for us in that.
Jim: We got rats and dragons.
Jessie: Thank you. Dragons. Oh my.
Jim: This is good.
John: Yeah.
Jessie: Yeah, this is sort of a-
Jim: (laughs).
Jessie: … after coming off of writing a fiction series and then writing this book, I had a little fun with some of the- some of the stories.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: So once upon a time (laughs) there was a knight, and he was very successful as a knight, and he had lots of treasure. And he needed something to guard his treasure. And so he found a merchant in town who had a baby dragon. And he said, “How much for your baby dragon?” And he said, “I’ll let you have this baby dragon if you can control him.” And the knight said, “Well, no problem. I oust troublesome ogres and I rescue fair damsels. A little dragon will be no problem for me.” And it wasn’t. He took the little dragon and he took it home and put it in front of a cave where he stored all of his treasure. Well, the knight went off on some grand adventures to rescue fair damsels and to oust troublesome ogres. And when he came back, he came home with two chests of gold that the king had given him for his troubles. And he went to his cave. But when he got there, there was a giant ferocious dragon guarding the opening, so big and ferocious that the knight couldn’t get through. And he was so mad that he went and searched for that merchant and said, “That dragon you gave me has become a nuisance. I can’t even get to my treasure.” And the merchant said, “If you had taken time to train that dragon when he was young, he would serve you now. But if he has become your master, there is nothing I can do.”
Jim: Wow.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: And the knight learned that he needed time management (laughs).
Jim: (laughs). Yeah. Right. There we go.
John: (laughs).
Jessie: Yeah, but if you-
John: Time management.
Jessie: … pulled it into our… Like our schedules are so crazy, and especially as teens-
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: … there’s so much pressure to do everything and be everything in sports and homework and- and college searches.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: And then as young adults, you’ve got jobs and all of the things. And if we don’t take time to master our schedule and be the boss of our time, it will be our taskmaster and we’ll-
Jim: Interesting.
Jessie: … miss out on all the good that God has for us.
Jim: You know, it’s so true. And so often the notes that we get here, the emails at Focus, the counseling line, uh, will be a lot of, particularly fathers who built their career, maybe built their business, whatever it might have been, but they lament one thing. And you know what it is. They weren’t there when their kids grew up and they don’t have really a very close relationship with them now, which is your point.
Jessie: Yeah. That’s right.
Jim: The dragon fable there.
Jessie: That’s right.
Jim: But- but it, that’s how it shows up in real life.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And they- they will now spend the rest of their life trying to recapture that, regain it or give up on it.
Jessie: That’s right. Yeah. For adults-
Jim: And it’s such a sad story.
Jessie: … that’s a- that’s exactly right. And for young people, I’m seeing it as anxiety. When I ask girls the hardest part of being a teen today, it’s the pressure. There’s so much pressure.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: And I think some of that is, you know, it’s multifaceted, but part of it is just old fashioned like life skills in time management and learning how to- to take control and to say no-
Jim: Yeah. Yeah.
Jessie: … to good things, and to make sure that they’re being the boss of their time.
Jim: Speaking of taking control, the- the other big thing that we get so often is, uh, use of technology. You know, and so many people, we’ve had many experts come in and talk about the use of technology. You know, keep that smartphone away from your kids as long as possible. That’s the best advice I got-
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … and Jean got, and I think our kids were 17 and 15 by the time they got a phone. But what did you do? What were you confronting in that area of technology, uh, with yourself or with your girls?
Jessie: Mm-hmm. Yeah. I’ve- I have benefited from the experts that you’ve had on Focus on the Family (laughs).
Jim: Well, good. I hope many have.
Jessie: I’ve learned a lot too. And yes, we did try to delay as long as possible for my own girls, um, that technology. But also this generation is not ever gonna be without a device. And so-
Jim: It is part of life.
Jessie: … we have to teach them how to fight back against the distraction. So as they’re moving into the teen years, and especially young adulthood, but hopefully before they leave your house, modeling for them what it looks like to keep tech in its proper place.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: And to have the devices, but to… The goal is for it to be their idea. Hey, I’m gonna put a limit. I’m gonna have a bedtime for my phone. I’m going to limit the- the notifications that I’m getting. But to have those conversations with them, because if we’re just enforcing it and we’re just saying, “No, you can’t have,” then when they can have, they’re not gonna have any of the tools to fight that distraction.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: I- I’m having to learn it as a middle-aged woman.
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Jessie: I’m having to… And I tell-
Jim: I’ll tell you.
Jessie: … a couple stories in the book of just, despite my best efforts to not be distracted, getting distracted and having to-
Jim: Yeah, it’s so easy.
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: And, you know, the- the inoculation strategy as a parent is all around us. I mean, it- it’s not just technology, but it’s things that they’re going to see. And what I mean by the inoculation strategy, then as a parent, how do you inform them that this is real, this is out there, it will happen, it will find you.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: But when it does, here’s what we need to do.
Jessie: Right.
Jim: And here’s how you need to respond as a believer in Jesus. And, you know, you- it takes more cultivation in that relationship with your child today, I think, because we have to be very targeted about what they’re gonna encounter, um, compared to 30, 40 years ago. Right? And again, it takes more intentionality then, which means it takes more time, which means you can’t be distracted by sports and other things that I would be watching.
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: I got to be engaged with the kids, make sure I’m in tune with what they’re doing. I think if I could wind the clock back, that would be an area I would’ve been more diligent on.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And Jean would’ve said, “Oh, thank you, Lord.”
Jessie: (laughs).
Jim: Right? Because I- I think I was partially in, but not all the way in.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And Jean was all the way in, but out there by herself so often.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And that had to cause her frustration.
Jessie: Yeah. Yeah.
Jim: It was like, yeah, you know what, they’ll get it. They’ll get it.
Jessie: Yeah. Yeah.
Jim: But you don’t wanna be ignorant.
Jessie: It’s a- it’s a common-
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: … common scenario.
Jim: That also is true of just screen time in general. You know, here’s a statistic that I know you stay on these things too, but people within the church, men in the church look at pornography, 68%.
Jessie: That’s crazy. Yeah. Yeah.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: It was really shocker to me, at least once a month.
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: And almost 30% of women-
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … in the church. 28-point-something.
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: And I, you know, again, those are things that we’ve gotta model for our own kids. I mean, how do you speak with any force or moral authority if you yourself are trapped in it?
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: I mean, I… Not to sound, you know, but we’ve got to do our job in our own life, so our kids, they’ll sense when you’re not real.
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: You know, it comes out.
Jessie: Absolutely.
Jim: They’ll know if you’re doing things with your screen and your phone.
Jessie: Sure.
Jim: Because it- it just happens.
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: It just comes out.
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: So speak to that, if I… Yeah.
Jessie: Yeah, absolutely. And I just, so I wanna emphasize grace here, because I think, I mean, a lot of those people in the church-
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: … that have been addicted, uh-
Jim: There’s reasons.
Jessie: … or are, it’s designed to be addicting. Like, it’s- it’s not… We’re not super human.
Jim: Right (laughs).
Jessie: And- and it’s by the grace of God, I feel like that any of us-
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: … are not falling into that trap at any given time. And so to both model how to walk in purity of heart, mind, and spirit for our kids, but also to help them understand just the very physical nature of addiction and the importance of resisting those temptations or getting help when you need it-
Jim: Yeah.
John: Yeah.
Jessie: … and fighting- fighting against that.
Jim: Jessie, uh, we’re narrowing in here. Uh, you also share very, um, openly about your biological father, and you mentioned when we first started this conversation that your- your mom was a single parent mom up till five. And just speak to that hole in your own heart about the vacancy of not having a father.
Jessie: Mm-hmm. Yeah. I- I mean, you and I both have talked about this in the past. There’s- there’s a unique kind of grief that comes with not having a parent or both parents in your life. Um, my mom was amazing, but as a little girl, I used to dream like what it would be like- like, you know, asking questions. Did he wanna be in my life?
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: Did he not?
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: What would he be like? Would he make all my problems, you know, not problems anymore? And-
Jim: What would it like being a d- having a dad?
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: Yeah. Wow.
Jessie: And I was very blessed to have a stepdad at five. My mom remarried or married for the first time. Um, and my stepdad was amazing to love me as his own. And that’s a whole nother story.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: And the relationship we have now is priceless. But at the time, as a- as a young person, it was a- a difficult relationship with my stepdad. And yeah, I wondered what it would be like. And I had the opportunity when I was 17 years old to meet him for the first time. And I was sure he was gonna be just everything that I imagined my whole life, you know, that he would be tall and handsome and wise and- and just wanna be a part of my life. And, uh, when I met him for that first time, it very much was the case. I mean, he was so charismatic and shook my hand so warmly. And- and we had an amazing conversation that night. He gave me so much good advice about life, and- and it seemed that he wanted to be in my life. And we started writing letters back and forth, and it really felt like a happily ever after sort of ending, um, to all those years of questioning and doubt. And then one day the letters just stopped coming.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: And I still to this day don’t know why.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: I don’t know what it was.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: If it was something I said, or something someone else said, or- or what it was. I’ve tried reaching out over the years, and I’m hopeful that it’s not the end of the story. I’m still praying that there will be some reconciliation there. I just, I- I don’t need anything from him, but I want to have relationship.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: But I feel like it’s taught me that other people’s choices affect me, but they don’t define me.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: And that’s such an important lesson for our kids to learn, for us as adults (laughs) to remember, that God has given us this little thing called free will.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: And it means that other people’s free will is gonna hurt me. It’s gonna wreck my world sometimes, but it doesn’t mean that my life has to be defined by their choices.
Jim: And it’s so easy to say that and so hard to live it.
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: You know-
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: … one of the most tender letters I’ve ever received here at Focus, and we want to hear from you, uh, we would love to hear about how Focus helped you in your marriage or helped you in your parenting. And I got a letter from a 32-year-old girl who said when she was seven, her dad took her to lunch and said, “Your mom and I aren’t getting along, and we’re gonna end our marriage. We’re gonna get a divorce, but it’s not because of you. And I just wanna make sure you knew that.” I thought, oh, this is good. That’s a good thing to say-
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … if you’re facing that. And he went on to say at that lunch, you know, “We’ll have every other weekend together, and I’ll have you two weeks out of the summer,” and laid this expectation out for her. And she never heard from him again.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jessie: Oh.
Jim: That lunch was the end of it.
Jessie: Wow.
Jim: At seven.
Jessie: Wow.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And her letter was just full of grief how she… And I think, it gives me tears thinking about it for you, the search for that daddy’s love led her into some really dark places-
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: … looking for men and-
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: … looking for that affection.
Jessie: Yeah.
Jim: So your point of what that does to us-
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … is deeper than what we sometimes realize.
Jessie: Yeah, absolutely.
Jim: And how it actually can end up controlling your life-
John: Yeah.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … if you don’t let go of it.
Jessie: If you don’t let go. That’s exactly right. And I- I’m living proof that God- God is a father to the fatherless, and He meets us in any of those broken places. Rejection, betrayal, hurt. He will meet you there-
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: … if you let Him. All he asks is that we give up our right to judge and our right to hold it against them, and to- to pretend that we’re God and we can control the people around us.
Jim: Yeah.
Jessie: And He can bring beauty out of those stories. He’s a good author.
Jim: And, you know, with divorce rates as high as they are-
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … I mean, they’re going down, that’s great. But they’re still way too high. There’s so many broken little boy’s hearts, little girl’s hearts.
Jessie: That’s right.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And, uh, man, if you were that person, get ahold of us. We wanna be there to help you. God is the restorer.
Jessie: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Even if the other side never comes around, um, God can still heal that hole in your heart. And, uh, Jessie, uh, it’s a heavy place to end, but this is such a great book. Your Brightest Life: Tips for Navigating Relationships, Health, Faith, Mindset, and More. And you’ve captured it all. This is a great little book for a mom to help her with her daughter, and- and fathers and sons.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: I mean, it’s not- it’s not void in that area either. So thank you so much for being with us. I hope you’ll want a copy. Uh, you know, this is one of the fun ways we do ministry together. And if you, uh, can make a gift of any amount, and if you could do that monthly, it really helps. That’s how Jean and I support Focus. We’ll send you a copy of the book to say thank you for being involved with the ministry, for saving marriages, saving babies’ lives, and so much more. And Jessie is willing to, uh, partner with us in that way. And we’ll give you the book and you can send a gift and do ministry with us.
John: Mm-hmm. Yeah, reach out today if we can help, or if you’d like to donate and get a copy of Your Brightest Life, our number is 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY. Or we’ll have details at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. And Jim mentioned making a monthly pledge. Uh, we’re looking for a thousand families or individuals to join our Friends of Focus on the Family team. Uh, that means you sign up and you’re committing to making a monthly donation to us. And, uh, as Jim said, that’s a partnering opportunity. You’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that automatically, uh, your donation is coming to Focus, and we’re using it to reach lives around the world for Christ. Uh, you can sign up to be of Friends of the Focus on the Family team at our website, and, uh, the link is at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Jim: Jessie, again, it was so good to have you with us. Thanks.
Jessie: No, thank you. It was my pleasure as always.
John: Mm-hmm. Well, we were so glad to have you join us today. And, uh, coming up tomorrow, you’re gonna hear a powerful story of how God transformed the tragedy of infidelity into a fully restored and healed marriage.
Josh Walters: I largely felt like I was praying God’s will, like He wants us to have a- a rich, full and satisfying marriage. And so ultimately, the work, I knew there was no switch in her that I could flip to make her wanna stay, to make her love me. But I think much of my decision, commitment, choice in that season was aligning with like, “God, I know you want this.”
John: Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.
