Focus on the Family Broadcast

Opening:

John Fuller: As a parent wouldn’t you like to know that your home is such a special warm place that your son or daughter would want to take a little piece of it to college?

Recap:

Tommy Nelson: When I left for college when I was 18-years-old, to go play college football, you know what [was] the last thing I took? I went into my backyard and I took a rock and I put that rock in my pocket. And every time that I would feel homesick or lonely at college, I would reach in my pocket and I would feel that rock and it was a little piece of home.

End of Recap

John: On today’s edition of “Focus on the Family” Pastor Tommy Nelson is our speaker and he will continue telling you how to build such a home, with president and author Jim Daly, I’m John Fuller.

Jim Daly: John, that’s a poignant picture that Pastor Tommy Nelson gave us there. I can just picture this big hulking football player in his backyard—

Jim: –finding a little rock (Chuckling) that he could take with him, a piece of home, as he said, as he left for college. And, as a dad, I’d like my boys to feel that way, to have some sentimentality as they leave for college or whatever they will go off to do; that they would uh … love our home so much, they’d want to take a piece of it with them.

And as we heard the last time, there are eight essentials that the Bible says our children need from their parents. And the first three, which we covered last time, one, a child needs a house that’s peaceful. Second, a child needs to spend plenty of time with each parent. Don’t just go for just quality time, go for quantity. And a

Jim: And a child needs to be taught God’s truth to create a firm moral foundation for them as they launch. And as we continue today, we’ll hear the rest of those essentials from Pastor Nelson.

John: And if you missed the message last time, you’ll find that entire list and a CD or download of this program when you’re at www.Focusonthefamily.com/radio, or call us and we can tell you more; 800 – the letter A and the word FAMILY.

Jim: And, you know, I found this to be a very encouraging message because it gave me some ideas, areas for improvement with my own boys, and I hope that you’re inspired as well.

John: Pastor Tommy Nelson is senior pastor at Denton Bible Church in Denton, TX, and as we’re picking it up here today he’s looking at the New Testament passage, 2 Timothy chapter 3. Let’s go ahead and listen to him now on “Focus on the Family.”

Body:

Tommy: If you’ll look right here in this text, I’ll show you another thing a kid has to have. In verse 14, the reason that you should continue is, “Knowing from whom you have learned them.” That’s a plural pronoun. It’s talking about Paul, Lois and Eunice, his mother and grandmother. Incidentally, grandparents, Timothy was shaped by grandpa and grandma, very much so.

I believe that the fourth thing is an example. And parents, actu … one thing about an example is an example … it’s not so much an example while it’s being exemplified. It takes the relief of time to see it. Never, ever, fathers, miscalculate what it means for your child to see you hug your wife, for your child to see you pray. Fathers, has your child ever walked in on you on your knees?

Can I ask you fathers a very penetrating question? Is your, are you the most godly man that your child has ever met? Can I ask you another question? If the answer is no, why is it no?

An example, it burns into a child. It never ever leaves; living out the Christian life. I think in my own life of watching some things in my father and in my mother; watching the love that they had for us. Every time that I think of blowing off my child when he has something that’s important, I think of the fact that my father and my mother were always there at my ball games, thinking of things that they did for us and how they loved us … examples.

Look at the fifth thing, Colossians chapter 3; he needs something else. I might tell you, in that last one … can I tell you fathers, mothers, especially you dads, when the proudest was I’ve ever been in my Christian life? It’s when I picked up … my son applied to um … camp. Benjamin did, to go down and be a, what was called an All Star to work in the summer. And I picked up his uh … application, talking about his Christian life. And he … he wrote down in there–never knowing that I would find it, but I … I saw it laying out and took it and just looked at it and saw it on there–he’s talking about his father and about his father that was a preacher that spent time in the Word and yet, the way that his father lived with his wife or his mother. And to this day, that’s the proudest thing that I’ve ever … ever had. I could have died right there, because my kid was able to say that my dad left me an example.

Something else in Colossians 3:19, “Fathers love your wives. Don’t be embittered against them.” Verse 21, “Fathers do not (literally) stir up your children.” It’s the idea of provoking your child to anger. It literally means “to stir up,” not to be deliberate in the instruction of your child, but just to make him mad and here is why. Dads, circle that term, “Lose heart … that he may not lose heart.”

It’s the idea that a kid will no longer have a “rush,” an ambition, a passion, because he knows that he cannot please his dad. He will no longer attempt anything in life, because he knows there is no way he will please his dad. Fathers, it would go like this, “Do not move your kid continually to anger, lest he quit and he give up in life.” A child has to have esteem, that he is loved.

You know, guys, I loved my son when he was little bitty and I’d go watch his ball games. And Benjamin went as far as athletics would take him. But then he ended in the stuff that his dad used to do. And then he went into an area that was completely foreign to me. He went into the military. And you know what? When he finished at Fort Benning, GA in … uh the military, I got my wife, John Clark, my mother–his grandmother–Teresa’s parents and I flew us all down there. Uh … spent everything I had to go down there, just to let my kid watch when he got the blue cord of the infantry put on his right shoulder, to know that in the crowd was his father, his mother and his grandparents, that we were just as proud of him for excelling at Fort Benning as we were to him excelling on any kind of field and doing his best there.

My kid, John Clark, he … he’s done real well in baseball. Uh … he got invited just recently to the Pan Am games and yet, I let him know that, “I’m excited that you did well, but someday,” I said, “your career is gonna end; it’s gonna be over. And I’m gonna be excited for you and love you if you work over here at Sack N Pack. I’ll be right there with you, you know. You just do a good job. I’ll love you wherever you are.” Fathers, don’t let your kid lose his ambition because he can never please you. A kid has to have esteem.

When’s the last time, if you’ve got a decent kid, a struggling kid, even if you’ve got a tough kid, the things that he’s trying to do, that you just took him and said my wife and I are proud that you’re given it right here. We’re excited for you. He’s gotta have it. And incidently, moms and dads, if the daughter and the kid don’t get it from you, they’ll get it from somebody. It may be from the Crypts and the Bloods, but they’ll get it

I’ll tell you another thing he’s got to have. Look at Proverbs 22, would you do that with me? Proverbs 22:6; a very well-known and misinterpreted verse. Literally, the Hebrew says, “Train up a child in his way and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Normally that means, train up a child in moral standards and he’ll wander out, play like … sin, go crazy and after he gets through, he’ll come back and go to church again. Now, that might be true sometimes, but it’s not true right here.

What this means is, raise up a child in his particular bent. Raise up a child and this is what Derek Kidner–the great Hebrew scholar from Cambridge that did the Tyndale commentary on the book of Proverbs–he says, “What the Proverbs is teaching is about sensitivity and uniqueness in raising a child.” How many of you had your mom and dad say to you this, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” And you said, “Because I’m not my brother.” Right? Right. Raise up a child in his way and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Don’t try to make your fat, little flat-footed boy be a high jumper, because the older brother was. When you’ve got a daughter that pulls about a 3.95, don’t try to make your next kid pull it if he can’t pull it. Figure out, like Samson’s parents said and I quote, “Lord, what shall his vocation be?” Have y’all asked that of your kids? Your child was previously a creation of God that He gave to you. He’s in God’s image, not yours. God formed the spirit of the child, not you. He is on loan. You figure out what God made him and then you expedite that and you develop it.

A child has to have what is called “acceptance,” that you love him and you’re excited about what God made, not you are frustrated about what God did not make. He has to have esteem and acceptance, that this child may be a valedictorian; this child may struggle to get a C. This guy may be the most clever hit of the party–life of the party; this may be a melancholy kid that loves to paint over here and just stay by himself. You love ’em right where God gave ’em and you train ’em up in the way that God gave them to you.

Program Note:

John: Well I so appreciate the wisdom of Pastor Tommy Nelson. What a great message on today’s “Focus on the Family” and in just a few minutes you’ll hear why discipline is such a critical aspect of healthy childrearing. Now you can get Pastor Nelson’s list of eight essentials of a healthy home and a CD of this program when you call 800-A-FAMILY, or get that list and an instant download at www.Focusonthefamily.com/radio. Let’s go ahead and return now to more of Pastor Tommy Nelson on “Focus on the Family.”

End of Program Note

Tommy: Seventhly [sic], And this is just … I’ll say this to you without having you turn, a child’s not only gotta have esteem and … and acceptance, he’s got to have affection. He’s got to have love with skin on it. He’s got to have a mom and a dad that put their hands on him. I tell young fathers, “You keep your hands on your little daughter and keep loving her. And as she gets older, you might feel kind of awkward when this 16-year-old comes in and sits on your lap, but you sit her on your lap and you always let her know the normative wonderful feeling of the love of a man’s arms as they should be.

And you fathers, it’s tough when you love your boys, isn’t it? You hug ’em when they’re little and soft and cuddly, but then they get kind of old and pimply and greasy, don’t they? (Laughter) And you don’t feel like, you know, like grabbing ’em. (Laughter)

And so, fathers, what do you do? You know, what do you do when your boys gets [sic] older? You wrestle with them; you beat them up, right? (Laughter) You grab ’em; you roll around, but you always keep your hands (Laughter) on your boys.

It’s still fun to do, you know. I … I grab them, still hug ’em and it feels kind of funny to ’em, but I don’t care if it does. Hey, it feels kind of funny to me, grabbing these big bowed-up guys, but to let ’em know Dad thinks they’re special just like when they were little bitty.

You know, when I was at a church here in town years ago, we had a little blue-eyed grandma there with white curly hair and her name was Lucille. We called her “Granny.” And this woman was led to Christ late in life. And she had one gift of life. She could hug you. She could love you and she could look in your eyes and say, “I love you,” like no one could say I love you.

And when I came to Christ, there were a number of great big greasy football players at North Texas that came to the Lord right at the same time. We went to this church and this little lady had us–and I was the littlest among us and I went about 190–we had defensive ends, corner backs. We had tackles and centers and we would go over to this little lady’s house and she would fix us up pork chops, cucumber salad and sweetened ice tea. And we would go to have her cook for us and to hug us and say she loved us. And I’d look out there in church in those days and I’d see her sitting, this little bitty lady, surrounded by these big bodies. And there was a bunch of big bodies. There were some biker types that she had with her. And these guys with their beards and long hair would have their arm around Granny. She owned ’em because she could love ’em. Keep your hands on your kids.

Lastly, you got a minute, a couple of minutes? If I teach this can you get out of here real quick so we don’t have bloodshed out here in the parking lot? Proverbs 13, follow me right here. You get a lot of this in Proverbs. You’ve got to remember that the kid you get is a flawed instrument; there’s something wrong with him and it’s because of his parents, he is called a sinner. And he is conceived in sin and brought forth in iniquity. When the sperm and egg come together, they make a flawed being. And so, in 13:24 you need to know that, “He that spares the rod, hates his son, but he who loves him, disciplines him diligently.”

The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is apathy, where you do not care. I’ve got a buddy who ran a youth home for years that was a Marine lieutenant and a monster man on the defensive unit of the Southwest Conference, 1967 champion Texas Aggies. And this guys spits nails. I love him; I respect him; his name is Jerry Campbell. He’s one of the toughest guys I’ve ever been around. He ran a youth camp for these … or a home for these boys that the courts couldn’t handle. And when these guys … I watched him literally take these guys. And Jerry told me that of all the kids he had, he had … did not have one kid that was a problem that had a good parent. He said they all had absentee fathers and they were longing for discipline.

Jerry loved ’em; he said, “This is the way it’s gonna be.” When they crossed him, I watched him physically take these kids and put ’em against the wall. When these kids would leave that youth home, they would come back to Jerry and the kids would say, with tears in their eyes, “You’re the only guy that cared enough about me to give me discipline.”

Discipline your child and you start with him when he’s young. Fathers, if you … how many of you have got young kids? You never let a boy disrespect his mother, never. You can say, “Young man there’s [sic] a lot of things you can do, but we don’t do that.” Don’t you make your wife have to get red-faced. You deal with that boy or that girl.

Nineteen, chapter 19:18–start when they’re young–“Discipline your son while there is hope. Do not desire his death.” If you don’t discipline your child and at times spank him or her bottom and turn them around or when they get old to do whatever it takes to do. Start while there is hope. When does it get tough? May I give you a … a figure? I think that after three years, you’re in trouble … after three years. They’re moldable until 3 or 4. After 3 and 4, you’re gonna have to jack up concrete now, but you get ’em when they’re young. And parents, how do you discipline a kid? You gang up on him. It’s got to be both of you, of one heart, loving that child enough to discipline.

Something else in chapter 22:15. Hope you all are circling these. “Foolishness is bound up in the heart a child,” meaning it’s in there tight. “The rod of discipline will remove it far from him,” meaning you do not reason with a child. I’ve said before, a child can have earwax buildup, but if you heat his rear end up about 15 degrees (Laughter) it’ll melt right out. It’s amazing! (Laughter)

I grabbed Ben on one occasion and I turned him around. And he got … he wouldn’t pay attention; he wouldn’t mind and he was a little fellow–two summers ago. (Laughter) And I took him. (Laughter) What!? I laid it on him and I turned him around. I said, “How are you doing now?” “I hear real good.” (Laughter)

Don’t reason with ’em, ’cause they’ll always win. Twenty-three, 13, something else, “Don’t hold back discipline from your child. Though you beat him with a rod (Chuckling), he’ll not die.” That always cracks me up. (Laughter) Don’t fear their tears.

Here’s the idea parents. We can get tears now when they’re little by taking them with a little rod and smiting their bottoms and we can make ’em cry. The tears will dry up. You hold him on your lap and love him, love her and tell them why. If you don’t do that, you’ll wait till they’re down the line about 20 years, when they have completely mangled their lives and then they’ll weep bitterly and you can’t undo that. So now, let’s take a lifetime of rebellion and let’s squeeze it into a little short back stroke, (sound of back stroke) oough! And we’ll make him cry then and walk away.

The problem with the book of Proverbs in disciplining is it don’t [sic] look too sophisticated. But you know what? Forty years of our present ideology ain’t [sic] worked. Have you all read the newspapers? It ain’t [sic] workin’. You go back here.

Twenty-nine, 15, “The rod and reproof give wisdom. A child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother,” which simply means, if you can’t discipline for him … his good, discipline him for your good, because he will embarrass you.

Fathers, mothers, I want to say one thing as we dismiss. Would you make a … a quick note about these principles of childrearing? They’re all positive things. Christian parents continually think they are good Christian parents because they don’t let their kids do things, watch things, see things. There’s a place for prohibition. That is not the warp and the woof of childrearing. That is an easy way to think you are a great parent about all of the things your kid can’t do, can’t wear, can’t go, can’t see. There’s a place. It is at best a small place.

Childrearing is what you do and it is what you are. You might keep them from the microbes, but friend, you ain’t [sic] gonna keep ’em long, if you don’t build into them the vaccine of truth and of the incarnation of it by the lives of their parents.

Closing:

John: Some straight-shootin’, trusted advice from Pastor Tommy Nelson, on this edition of “Focus on the Family” as he was speaking to his home church in Denton, Texas. And Jim, he is passionate and does not pull any punches here. He talks very directly to parents.

Jim: He does John, and I think that’s why all of us listening have loved Pastor Tommy Nelson over the years. He’s given us a lot to think about here and we’ll post his list of eight essentials for a healthy home on our website.

But uh … let me reiterate the last five points that he covered on this program. Children need to have a godly example.

Children need good self esteem.

Children need to be accepted for who they are and how they’ve been gifted. That can be a real challenge for many of us as parents.

Next, children need affection, including lots of parental touch. I smile because I see this in my boys.

Lastly, children need discipline. And that can be the one that’s so hard for us as parents. These are all positive elements that we can incorporate into our family, not tomorrow, but right now. And I really want to emphasize what he said right there at the end. “Childrearing is what you do and it is what you are.” In other words, your children mimic you. They will grow up to be very similar to you and that should be a sobering thought and also a good challenge.

John: It’s a little scary Jim, because I know my many faults as a dad and to think that my kids are going to pick up on some of those.

Jim: Well, and hopefully for those you can apologize and teach them through that to not emulate those aspects, but if you remain a consistently loving Christian person, that is a wonderful example for your teen or that young Child. And your Christian witness can have a much bigger influence on your child than a lecture about their faults. And it’s all about how we act, the priorities that we set and how we live our lives in front of our children.

John: Jim that is a message that really is captured so wonderfully in our DVD curriculum, The Family Project.

Jim: It really is and we’re trying to give parents a clear picture John, of how important their own family life is and the positive attributes they can model for their children. If you haven’t heard about The Family Project yet, be sure to come check it out at our website. And John, I’m sure this message from Tommy Nelson touched the hearts of most parents, I mean, it does! And there’s gotta be an area of your life where his message today and last time would kind of spur you to do better, I would think, especially those who have difficult or wayward children and just don’t know where to turn. If that’s you, call us here at Focus on the Family. We have a group of caring Christian counselors who are here, who would love to return your phone call. Often times they are very busy so you’ll most likely call, leave a message and we will have to get back to you, which we will. And if you need to go further, we have a very robust list of Christian counselors around the country who can help you from that point forward. And you know, we don’t charge for these services. We rely on donations to keep our counseling department staffed. So if you’d like to help us with the daily costs of having these trained counselors available to help people in the name of Christ, become a monthly donor to Focus on the Family. Partner with us as we help families thrive.

John: And all it takes is a quick phone call to make that donation. And as Jim said, a monthly donation to Focus on the Family is pretty crucial to what we do here. It enables us to reach around the globe, literally, with resources and helps and you can become a Friend of the Family when you call. Our number is 800-232-6459, or you can learn more about it at www.focusonthefamily.com/radio. And if you give us a call during business hours to speak to a counselor, as Jim noted, we’ll have someone call you back shortly, depending on the current call volume. That number for counseling or resources, or to make a donation, once again, is 800-the letter A and the word FAMILY. And when you get in touch with us ask about The Family Project, our DVD curriculum which is inspiring. It’s a great way to go through, with a Sunday school class or the neighborhood, ways that you can have a stronger family and the importance of family. Ask about The Family Project when you call or look for that at www.focusonthefamily.com/radio.

Our program was provided by Focus on the Family and made possible by generous listeners like you. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for listening in. I’m John Fuller hoping you have a great weekend and inviting you back on Monday, you’ll learn about living a full life from Pastor Matt Heard, and Tuesday, Tommy Nelson will be explaining the Song of Solomon. We’ll have more trusted advice next week to help your family thrive.