Preview:
Sue Acuna: That’s what parents will do. “Oh, you shouldn’t feel that way. You know, you should feel good about yourself.”
John Fuller: Yeah.
Sue: “You shouldn’t be upset.”
John: Mm.
Sue: “You immediately told me you don’t understand.”
End of Preview
John: That’s Sue Acuna talking about middle schoolers and their need to feel understood. She’s with us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, along with her friend and co-author, Cynthia Tobias. And they’ll give you an inside look at the perspective of your middle school children. Thanks for joining us. I’m John Fuller.
Jim Daly: If you’ve ever wondered whether you’re doing this whole middle school parenting correctly, you’d probably throw that out the window, right? (laughs).
John: Correct.
Jim: Middle school is a challenge for the student, the child, and the parent. I mean, it’s just an odd time where everything’s changing. Bodies are changing, perspectives, independence is growing in that little one. They’re not following you around the house saying, “Mommy, what is this? Daddy, what is that?” Right?
John: (laughs)
Jim: And, uh, the joyful time of parenting. When the kids are just right there and everything is bliss.
Junior High tends to bring on some stress. And you know what? Here at Focus on the Family, we wanna be here for you. We have caring Christian counselors to help you with those parenting questions. “Is my child in a bad spot, a good spot, whatever.” Uh, take advantage of that. It’s all free.
We also have a great, uh, new Age and Stage program where you can sign up, uh, your child’s birthdays and we will send you weekly information to help you better understand what your child 0 to 18 is going through.
And really that was born out of, uh, my experience as a parent and the pediatrician giving me a list of what the terrible twos were gonna look like. And Focus now has that kind of capacity to give you insight into the twos, the fours, the nines, all the way through up to 18. So, uh, take advantage of that.
Today’s guests are experts on the impact of the transition into the middle school years, and they’re gonna help equip you if you’re living that dream (laughs) to help equip you to do that job as best as you can.
John: Mm-hmm. Yeah. And Cynthia Tobias and Sue Acuna are moms of now adult children, and they’re both former teachers. And we’re talking about a book they’ve written called Middle School: The Inside Story: What Kids Tell Us, But Don’t Tell You. It’s a terrific resource, and we have it here at the ministry.
Jim: Sue and Cynthia, welcome to Focus on the Family. Welcome back.
Cynthia Tobias: Thank you. Great to be here.
Sue: Thank you.
Jim: Sue, you, you were that middle school teacher. Most people, most adults, (laughs) I think when they hear that you chose to be a middle school teacher were like, “What’s wrong with you?” (laughs)
Sue: I get blessed-
Jim: (laughs).
Sue: … so many times by strangers when I say, “Oh, I taught 8th grade.” “Oh, bless you.”
Jim: And how many times do people respond with-
Sue: “Oh, bless you.”
Jim: …”Why?”
Sue: Yeah. Or, “I couldn’t do it.”
Jim: (laughs).
Sue: Or, I … “Yeah, I couldn’t do your job.”
Jim: That’s a window into the whole attitude from the adults. What is going on there with middle school kids and their parents that you’re going, “Buckle up.”
Sue: Middle school kids come across as totally self-centered and moody and just difficult to deal with. And we talk about “the bubble.” The bubble is when they really are a little self-centered because so much is changing that they’re focused totally on what they’re thinking and feeling and how they look.
But they really are considerate young people. They just need a little reminding. So, when you walk up to a group and they don’t get out of your way, if you say, “Excuse me, can I get through?” They’ll look surprised and say, “Oh, sorry.” Most of the time.
Jim: Yeah. Cynthia, that’s a great point because I think they’re… Our anticipation as both parents and adults is that the kids are unruly. They’re not respectful at that age. But sometimes it’s as simple as treating others the way you wanna be treated, right?
Cynthia: Yeah. And you know, the interesting thing is I was thinking, “Oh boy, middle schoolers, I love high school, but middle schoolers…no.”
But, you know, we ended up working with not only Sue’s class, but about 300 middle schoolers, including a whole group here at Focus from some of the schools around. And I just fell in love with them. I thought, “Oh my goodness. When you really stop and ask them questions or you talk to them and they realize, ‘So I’m not weird, right?'” That’s the… And the funny thing was, um, Sue, at the end when we put the book together and, uh, her class, she said, “Hey guys, it’s time for the book to come out and you’ll be able to show your mom and dad and friends what you said.” And they went-
Jim: (laughs).
Cynthia: What did they say?
Sue: They said, “Don’t tell my mom that I said that.”
John: (laughs)
Jim: “You didn’t put me as-”
Cynthia: But we had to do it all anonymous.
Sue: Yeah.
Jim: “… listed me as a mysterious anonymous name.”
Sue: Because it’s full of stories, right quotes, right from the kids.
Jim: Well, and you say these are things that the kids told you, but won’t tell the parents.
Sue: Right.
Jim: I mean, that’s the subtitle of your book, basically.
Sue: And that sounds a little, a little dark and-
Jim: Yeah.
Sue: … but it’s really just things that they’re feeling.
Jim: You know, I do wanna make sure to cover this, Cynthia. The changes that are occurring for that, we hit on some of those changes, physical changes. But attitude change is really the thing that we’re drilling into. What does that specifically look like with Junior High? And then as parents, what do we need to do to help that a little bit? You touched on that, like, feeling insecure is common. I mean, do you remember that, John?
John: No, terribly. Yeah.
Jim: Boys have that a certain way, girls have it a different way. And we’ll get into that. But just broadly, you know, what do parents need to expect from the attitude of their Junior High kid?
Cynthia: One of the parents at one of our meetings said, “I just don’t … I don’t understand my daughter. She’s so self-centered. She’s always looking in the mirror. She doesn’t even know who she is. And she’s just all about her.” And we said, “Well, she doesn’t understand the person in the mirror either. She’s going through all these changes so rapidly.”
Jim: Mm.
Cynthia: And the parents thinking, “Well, for heaven’s sake, just do this.”
Jim: Yeah.
Cynthia: But the more you talk to your middle schooler, sometimes the more you realize they don’t understand this either. I mean, remember, they … Overnight, in 24 hours, their hands and feet can grow an inch.
Jim: Wow.
Cynthia: And so, when they wake up, they could fall out of bed.
Jim: Yeah.
Cynthia: They could stumble. They could be clumsy. And how do they react to it? They’re embarrassed.
They’re horrified.
Jim: Yeah.
Cynthia: And … So that’s … It was reassuring to the parents and to the kids to say, “This is normal.”
Jim: Yeah.
Cynthia: “Really?” No, really, this is normal.
Jim: And that’s a good thing. Yeah. What is kind of the normal range of things?
Sue, what are the three things middle schoolers want from their relationship with their parents?
Sue: To be listened to, to be taken seriously, and to be understood. Which is the same thing in adults.
Jim: I didn’t say in your marriage. I said with your-
Sue: Yeah, right?
Jim: (laughs).
Sue: Yeah.
Cynthia: It’s universal.
Jim: Man, it sounds the same!
Sue: When we would talk to parents, we would see it. Married couples look at each other going, “Same. Yeah, same.”
Jim: (laughs) That’s so true.
And why do we, as parents, lose perspective on that or never gain perspective to know these are the basic human requirements to be listened to, to be understood, to be taken seriously? A lot of parents at that age of their parenting with Junior Highers, they’re not showing their children are serious enough to take seriously.
Sue: And it starts when they’re little and you made all their decisions for them, right? What they were going to eat, when they were going to go to bed, what they were going to wear. And somewhere along the way, you have to start letting that go. And when they get to be … Earlier than you think.
We had a 10-year… A parent of a 10-year-old who said, “I figured I got three good years left.” And we laughed because it can start as early as 9 or 10 or 11. Suddenly, they want more autonomy, they want more independence. And if you’ve kind of eased into that, you’ll have a better time.
Jim: Yeah.
Sue: But if at 11 years old, you’re still making their lunch and cleaning their room, then it’s gonna be a much tougher transition.
Jim: You know, a real basic tenet for parenting in that regard is the goal is to raise an adult, not to raise an adult who acts like a child.
Sue: Work yourself out of a job.
Jim: But that’s really a huge difference. And it should start just at the fifth, sixth grade time period, certainly into seventh and eighth grade. That they can have more responsibility, that they’re responsible for those responsibilities, right?
Sue: In the Bible, children became adults at 13 years old.
Jim: Yeah.
Sue: And I think 13-year-olds today still feel that sense of, “I’m much more closer to adulthood than childhood.”
Jim: Which is a good feeling.
Sue: Oh, yeah.
Jim: It builds confidence. It does so much for them to know that they’re trusted and respected, hopefully.
Cynthia, middle schoolers tend to start to prioritize friendships. You mentioned that. They’re not only looking at the mirror themselves, but I think they’re asking themselves the question, you know, “Am I acceptable to my peer group? Am I pretty enough for my peer group? Am I strong enough, masculine enough? Do I have muscles yet, yet, yet?”
Sue: (laughs) Yeah.
Jim: You know, all those things are occurring when they look into the mirror, but they’re … One of their core things at that age is their friendship group and acceptance into that group. Um, share some tips for keeping up with, uh … For the parents to keep up with their friends, their kids’ friends. That’s … That could be intimidating for parents.
Cynthia: I was, uh … Because the self-esteem is a real issue.
Jim: Yeah.
Cynthia: And I was teaching a ninth-grade class, uh, years ago. And this one girl was just … She was so miserable all the time. And she said, “I’m just … I’m not pretty. I’m not acceptable.” And so, I asked her to stay after class one day. And I came and I said, “I’m going to show you something I never show anybody. This is my seventh-grade picture.”
And she looked at it, she went, “Oh, but, you’re so pretty now.” And I said, “And you’re gonna be even prettier. This is a stage. This is what you mature into. But you’ve gotta believe in yourself. And you’re … We all go through these awkward stages. God doesn’t think we’re ugly, and we’re going to mature into what He wants us to be.”
Jim: If anybody’s doubting that, just remember your first license picture at 16 or whatever it was. (laughs).
Cynthia: Yeah, go back and look at it.
Jim: Who shows that anymore, right? It’s like, that’s what I look like at 16?
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: But it’s so true. Many middle schoolers spend a lot of time with online friends and screen time, et cetera. And we talk a lot about that. There’s so many shows. If you’re struggling in that element of your parenting, just look at the archive, get the app, call Focus. We’ll help you with some very specific points there. But how can parents set boundaries for their children and screen time?
Sue: I think what’s different today is most kids have smartphones and they have access to internet and data all day. Imagine if you walked out your front door every day and there were people standing there watching you who are rating your looks and your speech and the words you use. And that’s what’s happening to kids. First thing they do is jump on Instagram or Snapchat and see how people think about what they’ve said or what they wear. And it’s so intimidating.
Jim: You know, this is a really good point. And I think for parents, this is an important place to stop and just think about this for a minute. Yeah. I’m reminded of banks, how they train bankers to know counterfeit money. It’s not by letting them feel counterfeit money. They feel real money all day long. And they get them used to what that paper is like, what the ink looks like. And generally, a bank employee can tell the difference because when a fraudulent bill comes in it’s different.
I think in the parenting structure here, we can put a lot of boundaries up. We don’t want you to do this. We don’t want you to do that. But you almost have to, um, fill the bucket of what is true in their identity. People are gonna judge you online. People are going to say horrible things to you. And have that dialogue with your child. But you are made for something much bigger than that. What do they know? You have to anticipate building their emotional stability by having open dialogue with them, right?
Sue: Yes. And you have to listen to what they’re saying and not just say, “Oh, ignore them. You are beautiful. I’ve always thought you’re beautiful.” That immediately shuts down communication.
Jim: How do you do that? How do you say, “Tell me what your friends are saying?” What do you say?
Sue: Yeah, you listen first. And especially the first time they come to you, because when they’re young and they’re first getting on social media, they will be upset and they might come to you and say, “She said that my dress was ugly.” And instead of just disagreeing, you listen and say something back. “Did you think it was ugly? Or, or why do you think she said that?” And just let them share all those feelings first so then-
Jim: Yeah.
Sue: … you validated their feelings.
Jim: Maybe even, “Why is it important what she thinks?”
Sue: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Those kinds of questions, you know. But not in a judgmental way, more like an information…
Sue: Yeah.
Cynthia: And questions is a, a key point because we have a tendency because we’ve been used to telling them what to do. We just issue orders. We issue-
Jim: Yeah.
Cynthia: … edicts, we tell them what to do. Which, uh, doesn’t help.
Jim: Yeah.
Sue: Or we tell them what to feel.
Cynthia: Or what to feel.
Sue: This is a big thing with middle schoolers. “My parents tell me how to feel.”
Cynthia: But asking them, “Why do you think that is hard for you? Um, what do you think would make it easier for you?” Um, and those kind of questions are less threatening and they encourage more conversation.
Sue: But if you go too far, it’s badgering, so (laughs).
Cynthia: Yeah.
John: And you… So you said your parents told you what to feel?
Sue: That’s what parents will do. “Oh, you shouldn’t feel that way. You know, you should feel good about yourself.”
John: Yeah.
Sue: “You shouldn’t be upset.”
John: Mm.
Sue: “You immediately told me you don’t understand.”
John: Yeah.
Jim: Wow. Yeah, that’s … And that would be a normal parenting approach.
Sue: I want you to feel happy.
Jim: You think you’re doing the right thing.
Sue: Yeah.
Jim: Yeah.
John: But listen. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, and our guests today are Sue Acuna and Cynthia Tobias talking about their terrific book, Middle School: The Inside Story. And the subtitle, as Jim noted, really says it all, What Kids Tell Us, But Don’t Tell You. So the research these two ladies have gathered and built upon is really priceless, and you’ll benefit from this book in so many practical ways. Get a copy from us today here at the ministry when you stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Jim: Let me press on this a little bit because I wanna make sure parents are getting this. Uh, how can parents show compassion for the anxieties that middle schoolers are experiencing or the pain they’re experiencing?
And I think there would be some gender effect here. Uh, because I’m just thinking of dads. You know, we always say, “Yeah, just get up. Don’t cry. Don’t touch it.” I mean, weird things. Where do we get these things? You know, when your son or daughter falls and skins their knee.
The same is true emotionally. “It’ll be better,” because we’ve got the benefit of living more years and we know the pimple on our face is not the end of all time. But if we’re too dismissive with that, we’re doing equal harm to a degree. So, we have to really hear that.
But in that space of the anxieties they’re feeling, I’m talking about emotional issues more than physical appearance. How do we back up and be very careful to say the right thing in that moment?
Cynthia: One of the things that, that really made this book strong, I think, is we talked to the kids themselves and we’d ask them, you know, like, “What do you … What’s your biggest fear?” And they’d give us, “Oh, you know, losing a parent,” and all the standard stuff. And then we’d say, “Yeah, but what really do you fear?” And we would be kind of drilling and they … When they felt safe, they would say, “Well …” And almost unanimously they said, “The fear of looking stupid.” No matter what.
Jim: Yeah.
Cynthia: And one of the reasons that kids want to read this book, want their parents to read this book. I’ve heard them at the book table. Like, “Mom, you need to read this book. Uh, get this book.” They feel like their parents just haven’t gotten anything that they don’t know. And the kid can’t tell them because they don’t know either. And so, we call it, “What they tell us, but don’t tell you” because they felt safe, they felt understood. They felt-
Jim: Yeah.
Cynthia: … comfortable. And that’s why they were very honest about a lot. All the quotes in there are just fresh and honest.
Sue: I find it interesting that parents say, “My kid never tells me anything.” And the kids say, “My parents never listen to me.”
Jim: Yeah.
Sue: Which tells you there’s a communication breakdown. And you know, there’s a line from the musical Hamilton where they say, “Talk less, smile more.”
Jim: Yeah.
Sue: Just a, a smile and a nod. John’s over there smiling and nodding as I’m talking, which encourages me to keep talking.
John: Mm.
Jim: Yeah. It’s so true.
Let’s move into the signs of bullying, uh, that we as parents need to be aware of. This seems to be … Especially cyber bullying now, which was something unheard of 20 years ago. We didn’t have to deal with that. We just had to deal literally with the bully at school that was picking on me. Uh, what are those signs that a child will exhibit in Junior High, particularly?
Sue: I think the most obvious one is a sudden change in tastes. They no longer want to watch those movies or wear those clothes.
Jim: Mm.
Sue: Of course, looking depressed is a sure sign. But when things … Something that gave them joy, has always given them joy and suddenly they don’t wanna do it anymore-
Jim: Yeah.
Sue: … odds are pretty good, someone has criticized them for that.
Jim: Yeah. Anything to add to that, Cynthia? I mean, that’s-
Cynthia: Well, again, it’s how you approach them too. To say, “That’s not okay. You better not do that. I know what you’re doing.” And it’s, again, back to the questions and-
Jim: Yeah.
Cynthia: … and you’re saying, “Don’t … Do you think that might hurt somebody’s feelings?”
Jim: Yeah.
Cynthia: Um, are you being careful of what you’re … How you’re saying it?
Jim: Or if you’re the recipient of it, how do you manage that? That has all kinds of shades to it because it’s, you know, bullying comes in all, all forms.
Sue: And it’s embarrassing to admit.
Jim: Yeah.
Sue: It’s hard to get a child to admit.
Jim: You’re the victim and people don’t … You know, understandably, people don’t wanna be the victim.
Describe ways to help middle schoolers develop their identity. We talk a lot about this in the Christian community because there’s such an onslaught with a variety of ideologies coming at them at a very young age now. So, Junior High, public schools, you’re already gonna get quite a bit of the LGBT, uh, belief and you know, indoctrination.
So, we talk quite frequently about how you build into your child their identity in Christ. That you’re made in His image, that He has a plan for your life, that your commitment to Him is paramount for eternal life. What does it mean to accept Christ, et cetera. Those are all image building.
What do you recommend, especially in Junior High, when they may have questions, they’re not sure if their parents’ faith is real. Um, they haven’t had that encounter with the Lord maybe in a powerful way. So what do you do to build their identity?
Cynthia: You focus on their strengths and reinforce the strengths. And, uh, one of the things that impressed me that Sue talked about was she told her kids, “God’s not afraid of your questions.”
Jim: Oh, that’s good.
Cynthia: ‘Cause they’re-
Sue: Or your anger. Or your frustration.
Cynthia: Or your anger. Yeah. And so-
Jim: Yeah. Which is so good.
Cynthia: “… so don’t be thinking that, ‘something’s wrong with me and I’m gonna go to hell or I’m gonna be a terrible person.’ You can ask God. And sometimes you don’t wanna ask your parents because they’re gonna think badly of you.”
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Cynthia: “But you can ask God.” And I really think that it’s important that you have a daily time of devotion, even if it’s brief.
Jim: Yeah.
Cynthia: That you keep and never, never skip the prayers at grace. And-
Sue: And ask, “What can I pray about for you today? What’s going on? What can I pray about?”
Jim: As a parent.
Sue: As a parent.
Jim: Yeah, it’s good.
Sue: The parents need to not panic-
Jim: Yeah.
Sue: … the first-time a, a child says, “I’m not sure I believe in God anymore.” Well, don’t panic because then you’ll do what they call “going off” on them.
Jim: Right.
Sue: “Where’d you get that idea? Why is that wrong?” It’s such a … We just keep coming back to it but listen. Listen openly.
Jim: Yeah, that’s good. And it… You know, when you look at the research, this becomes one of the core things that when those Junior Highers become 20-somethings and 30-somethings, they’ll look back and say, “My parents either did or did not do a good job of helping me form my identity.” So this is one not to be sloppy with.
Sue: And try not to make it all about church.
Jim: Right, right.
Sue: Make it more about faith.
Jim: Right. Yeah, faith in Christ, et cetera.
All right. The other … I mean, another really sensitive question. Junior High is the time when you start noticing the opposite sex, typically. Like, you’re looking at girls going, “They’re really pretty.” Girls are looking at boys going, “He’s kinda cute.” So, as a parent, again, what are some good guidelines when it comes to these relationships? The Junior High dance. Let’s just start there.
Sue: I think it’s good to have a discussion when they’re a little bit younger, what’s gonna be allowed and at what age. And there are parents who still will make that rule. “You’re not going out on an actual date until you’re 16.”
Jim: Right.
Sue: But then there are parents who think it’s cute to drop off their two 12-year-olds at the movie and leave them unsupervised. So, I think you need to be vigilant. Have a sense of humor. That will get you a long, long way.
Jim: That’s good.
Sue: Yeah.
Cynthia: Yeah. The old, “Nice try. That’s not gonna happen.”
Jim: (laughs)
Cynthia: You know, you lighten it up just a little.
Jim: Yeah.
Sue: Or the dad who says, “You’re not, you’re not going out of the house till you’re 30.” Well, you know, kids know that he’s just kidding. But he is letting them know, “We’ll have some rules.”
Jim: And managing those appetites are critical. It’s starting right there. That’s the age at which those appetites begin to form, and you need to, as a parent, I think, help shape what is good and godly character. And then what is beyond the pale of the right decision, right? And those are all delicate discussions.
Sue: Yes.
Jim: And I would say they’re really based on your relationship with your child.
Sue: And maybe you’re not the one … Again, as Cynthia said, maybe you’re not the one to talk to them about it. Maybe the youth pastor or a favorite aunt or uncle, maybe there’s someone else they’re more comfortable talking with.
Jim: That they’re more comfortable talking with.
Cynthia: I know one of my sons when … At one point when I started to talk, “No, no, no, no, no, don’t … Don’t mind. I don’t want … I don’t wanna.”
Jim: (laughs)
Sue: And mine were more willing to talk to me. I had three sons. They wanted to talk to me more than dad.
Jim: Yeah.
Sue: Because dad would just get flustered.
Jim: Yeah.
Sue: But I had one who’d get in the car and turn off the radio and say, “We need to have some girl talk.” And he would ask me about something he did-
Jim: Oh wow.
Sue: … or something he wanted to know.
Jim: But that’s really good. That’s a great sign that he was comfortable enough to bring those questions.
Sue: But when you talk with boys, you don’t wanna sit down with a cup of coffee across the table.
Cynthia: No.
Sue: You wanna be in the car-
Jim: Be on the move.
Sue: … shoot baskets.
Jim: Yeah.
Sue: Play a game.
Jim: Be on the move.
Sue: Play Legos.
Jim: That’s true.
Sue: Yep.
Jim: Let me ask you, how can parents influence their middle schoolers to embrace their values, their faith? This is like the biggest concern. And now you read so much research from Barna and others that so many teens and 20-somethings are walking away from the faith.
And so, now we are generating this out of fear that our young people, that our children aren’t gonna embrace the faith. So, how do we lay the right breadcrumbs, not in a manipulative way, but in a way that we get there together?
Sue: And I think they’re very sensitive to hypocrisy.
Jim: Yeah.
Sue: So, make sure you’re modeling the values that you want them to live.
Jim: Exactly.
Sue: And then point out maybe when you’re not, be ready to ask for forgiveness.
Jim: Yeah.
Sue: But again, listen to what they’re saying. Monitor what they’re watching. It’s hard because there’s so much out there on social media. Again, voices that they’re hearing. Make sure that they’re hearing your voice just as strongly.
Jim: That’s a good measure.
Cynthia: The kids said to us, you know, “We don’t wanna ask our parents any questions. Uh, we don’t … We’re afraid to ask about where it is in the Bible or that kind of stuff because they’re gonna think that we’re doubting and that we’re, you know, going back on our faith.” And so they needed the assurance.
John: Along this line, you had a story in the book about a young man you called Jack and kind of his story of faith. I wonder if you could tell us about that.
Cynthia: Jack, my husband, this is part of his testimony. In seventh and eighth grade, he just decided, “I don’t believe in uh … I just believe in evolution. I don’t believe in creation because I …” And so he didn’t have any real basis for it. He just … And he went for years. And the … He finally got converted at 16 by the Youth for Christ that gave … pretty girls and donuts. And then-
John: I’m sorry, was that a plan of … A planned event, “pretty girls and donuts?”
Sue: Oh, maybe.
John: (laughs)
Cynthia: Oh, absolutely. I think it must have been because then he discovered when the youth leader started speaking and goes, “Oh, that’s, that’s not what I thought it was.” ‘Cause, you know, when you’re a kid, you’re seventh and eighth grade. He said, “I just made these big assumptions and I never asked anybody.” And so-
Jim: Mm.
Cynthia: … Pretty girls and donuts is not the only way but be sure you have a good enough relationship. He said, “My parents, we never talked about it.”
Jim: Mm.
Cynthia: And it’s … And think of the years that he could have had back if he could have just talked to his parents or someone.
Jim: Yeah. You know, one of the things that you need to do, I think, as a parent is to encourage your child to ask hard questions.
Sue: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Not to run away from those. And maybe even to share some of the hard questions you have not yet resolved yourself as an adult. That seems to allow the child an exhale that it’s okay. “I’m not broken because I have these questions or these doubts.” But how do you do that, Sue? How do you do that to where it encourages the child in their faith journey, not discourages them?
Sue: I used to tell my students that I had a book of questions to ask God when I get to heaven, things that I don’t understand. But it’s also good to be able to say, “Let’s check out the Bible for that.” You know, you can go to Google and say, “What’s a good scripture about doubting my faith or about cruelty in the world?”
Jim: Yeah. I mean, those are good things to take on. The fact that you said earlier, Cynthia, God can manage that emotion as well as those intellectual questions that we may not have answered yet. And-
Sue: But again, don’t shut them down.
Jim: Yeah. Encourage it. I mean, I would think even identifying with, you know, “It’s such a good question. I’ve had that question for years and I don’t know that I have a-”
Sue: Absolutely.
Jim: “… good answer yet, right?”
Sue: All, all the time. Yeah.
Jim: And now you’re, now you’re showing the respect that you talked about earlier-
Sue: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … and hearing them, so you’re listening. So you’re doing the things that you said in the very beginning.
Sue: And even say, “That frustrates me too.”
Jim: Yeah.
Sue: When you’re talking about grace, grace is for everybody no matter what. And you could say, “It doesn’t seem fair to me either. If I live a good life and you don’t, God forgives both of us equally.”
Jim: Yeah.
Cynthia: And frankly-
Sue: Frustrates me.
Cynthia: … frankly, this is one of the greatest appeals of this book. In my… We didn’t even maybe anticipate. The kids want not only to read it, but they say, “Mom, you need to read this book.”
Jim: (laughs)
Cynthia: Because they want them to know, but they don’t know how to put it in words. And the book talks to them.
Jim: Yeah. I mean, this is the way it should be. So, uh, man, you’ve covered a lot. There’s a lot we didn’t get to. Let’s come back next time and continue to chat if we can do that.
And for the listeners, I hope you feel encouraged not only to get through the middle school years, but to make the most of them. It’s really laying the foundation for your future adult relationship, right?
And I wanna recommend you get a copy of Cynthia and Sue’s book, Middle School: The Inside Story: What Kids Tell Us, But Don’t Tell You. Published with Focus on the Family, which is nice. It will equip you, uh, with strategies to help your child succeed at school, at home, and in relationships. Which is the goal of most parents.
And when you make a monthly pledge of any amount, man, that is a great way to support the ministry. We are, uh, listener supported. When you do that, it just evens out the budget for the year, and we’ll send you a copy of the book as our way of saying thank you for your support. And in fact, we just had a listener who wrote this: “I was struggling with negativity about my parenting skills and worrying about doing things wrong.” I think that’s many parents.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: “But your podcast gave me hope that I can be a good parent.” And that’s good. They didn’t say perfect. A good parent. “And I don’t know what I would do without your parenting tips. You give me hope each and every day.” That is beautiful. That’s the goal. Why not be a part of that ministry?
John: Hmm. Yeah. Join us. And, uh, if a monthly gift doesn’t work for you right now, we understand. We’ll also send the book to you for a one-time donation of any amount. Contribute today and get your copy of Cynthia Tobias and Sue Acuna’s book, Middle School: The Inside Story, when you call 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY. Or you can donate online at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
And thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
I’m John Fuller, inviting you back as we continue the conversation, and once again, help you and your family thrive in Christ.
