Focus on the Family Broadcast

Kenn Kington: This is my favorite warning. There’s 17 warnings to the use of a hair dryer.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I’ll show it to you afterwards. It’s four words. Never use while sleeping.

Audience: (laughs)

John Fuller: (laughs) Sometimes there are things in life you just have to laugh at because they really don’t make much sense. Well, today’s Focus on the Family is going to have comedian Kenn Kington, and you’re going to laugh along with him, I know. Your host is Focus president and author Jim Daly, and I’m John Fuller.

Jim Daly: We aired a presentation from Kenn Kington back in March, and the response was so great, we thought we’d bring you another longer message to enjoy today and next time. Kenn is one of the most popular comics on SiriusXM Radio and performs regularly across the US, and he’s a proud husband and dad.

John: He’s certainly in demand, and we’re so grateful he’s a friend of this ministry. And with that, here’s Kenn Kington on Focus on the Family.

Kenn: Well, thank you guys for being out here tonight.

Audience: Woo!

Kenn: Just got to know, how many men are here tonight? If you’re a man here tonight, I just want to hear you say, “Hoo-rah,” on three. One, two, three.

Audience: Hoo-rah!

Kenn: Yes. I love that. Let me think. Ladies, um, I want to see if you’re here tonight too, so I’m going to give you a chance to respond. So, on three I want you to say, “Uh-huh.” Can you get that? One, two, three.

Audience: Uh-huh.

Kenn: (laughs) Now what I love is the ladies, when I said that, you started looking at each other going, “Oh, we get to talk now. We’re going to talk now.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I love that. See, guys don’t do that. We’re simple people. Guys are simple people. And, and if you agree with me on any of these, you feel free to agree in that way, guys, by saying, “Hoo-rah.” Let me hear it one more time.

Audience: Hoo-rah.

Kenn: And ladies, you too, one more time.

Audience: Uh-huh.

Kenn: Okay. Now, you feel free to respond that way if something hits you. Okay? Because guys are different. We’re different. Ladies, I saw you walking in tonight, and you talked to each other, and you started going on and on and on. See, guys don’t. You met each o- I saw some of you do this. You walk up, and you walked up to another woman. You went, “Oh, my gosh. I love your hair.”

Audience: (laughs) Hoo-rah.

Kenn: I love your hair. Is that a bob or a weave, a cut, a curl? What is that? See, men don’t do that. Men don’t do that. Most you’ll ever hear a man say to another man about his hair, “Did you get a haircut?”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: That’s it. That’s it, because we don’t have that. Ladies, you speak in code, and you don’t even know you’re doing it. See, men, we just have jeans and khakis. They go with everything. You have categories for your clothes. You start going through you say “Oh, my gosh. That looks so good on you. I love that color. You’re a spring, aren’t you? You are. Yeah.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: You’re a spring. No. It’s great. It looks good on you. Those colors make you look thinner.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Which is code for, “I think you’re fat.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: It’s just, oh, it’s just different. See, guys, we don’t have that gene, and we have this honesty gene. When I started dating my wife, this guy, my roommate, I just said, “Dude, how’s this shirt look on me? Do I, does it make me look fat?” And he went, “Shut up.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: “You are fat. Quit blaming the shirt.” It was just something wrong there. Now, and, and let me tell you how the women speak in code to me, and I think my in-laws are trying to tell me something. My mother-in-law bought me this beautiful shirt for Christmas, beautiful shirt. I opened it. I’m like, “This is beautiful.” She goes, “It’s extra-large.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: “I hope it’s big enough.” Code. Okay? That’s what that is. My wife’s grandmother, we went to eat at her house. She fixed way too much food. I’m stuffed, and she goes, “Get another plate. Please get another plate.” And I’m like, “I’m stuffed.”

And she goes, “Get another plate.” So, I got one more. I ate it. I’m like, “Oh, I’m miserable now.” And she goes, “Get another plate.” And I said, “Does the term fat and happy mean anything to you?”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: She looked at me. She goes, “You don’t look happy.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Speak in code. And ladies, you have clothing that makes no sense. I’ll give you my favorite example. Sleeveless turtlenecks.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: What are you thinking? I mean, are you in the closet going, “Hm. It’s kind of cold, but it might warm up.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I mean, is that it? Men do not do that. We don’t do that. And ladies, it amazes me. You can make a social event out of anything. You can’t even go to the bathroom by yourself.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: You go in groups and herds.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: You will go to the bathroom. You will sit down next to a total stranger-

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: … and carry on a conversation.

Audience: Uh-huh.

Kenn: I love those shoes.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Where did you get those? I’m out of toilet paper. Can you spare a square?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Do not ask how I know that.

Audience: (laughs) Hoo-rah.

Kenn: Hoo-rah. (laughs) Now, in man world, there are certain rules to the bathroom. One is you go by yourself, if at all possible. But then there are certain rules that are unwritten and unspoken, but they are there.

I was in the Atlanta airport, busiest airport in the world. I’m standing there. This guy walked in, obeyed rule one, which is mandatory three stalls down. Okay? But then he just broke every other rule. Out of nowhere, I’m standing there, and he goes, “So how’s it going?”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: There’s no talking.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I’m like, “Good. Good. Yeah. Yeah.” “What you been up to lately?” And I’m just not comfortable with this. Like, “Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.” So I go, and I look. I get to the sink and wash my hands. As I wash my hands, I look in the mirror. As I look in the mirror, he says, I see, all at the same time, he says, “Yeah. My flight lands in, like, two. Why don’t you pick me up on the curb? We’ll go grab a bite before the meeting.” And I saw in the mirror, he had on one of those Bluetooth things.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I am so getting me one of those. I don’t even care if you have a phone. You need one of those. You realize, when you wear that, you can walk around in public and just speak your mind?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: That shirt looks ridiculous. I bet your codependent, aren’t you?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Not you. I’m on the phone.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: And see, men are just simple. We’re way, way simple. And I’ll give you, my example. W- My wife leaves town. She goes, “Hey, I’m going on a girls trip this weekend. Can you watch the kids? Can you take care of the kids?” Yeah. Now, I’ve discovered that that means something different to a woman.

Audience: (laughs) Hoo-rah.

Kenn: Hoo-rah. Now, here’s my definition. Can you take care of the kids? If she comes home and all three of my children are still alive, it’s a success.

Audience: (laughs) Hoo-rah.

Kenn: Can I get a hoo-rah?

Audience: Hoo-rah.

Kenn: Yes. Now, here’s the problem. She comes home, and I’m very proud. The garage door, I hear it. I’m like, “Look, they’re all alive.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: She walks in. “Oh, it’s so good to see you. Oh, my goodness. I thought about you all weekend. What’d you do? What’d you do? What’d you do? Where’d you go? What’d you do?” And I’m like, “They’re alive.”

Audience: (laughs) Hoo-rah.

Kenn: She, she, “But what, what’d you do all weekend?” I’m like, “Stuff.” I didn’t know there was going to be a test.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I would’ve taken notes. She goes, “Well, what’d you eat? Just tell me you didn’t have pizza and hotdogs all weekend. Just tell me you didn’t have pizza and hotdogs. I mean, where’d you go? What’d you eat? What’d you eat?”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: You just told me not to tell you.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: It’s one of those things. And she goes, “Well, at least they had fruit. Tell me they had some fruit. They had fruit? Did they have fruit?” Loops.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Here’s an ability every man has that I know, and I want to hear a hoo-rah if you agree and an uh-huh if you agree, and that is ability every man has. It’s a superpower. Ladies, you both envy it, and you, you deny it exists, all at the same time. And some of you are going, “Uh-huh. There’s nothing. Uh-huh.” Let me just tell you what it is. It’s the ability that every man has to actually think nothing.

Audience: (laughs) Hoo-rah.

Kenn: Hoo-rah. And I, how many of you have ever had this conversation? You’re in a car.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: And you’re driving somewhere. “So, what are you thinking?” “Nothing.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: “Well, you can’t be thinking nothing. That’s not possible.” “Uh-huh.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: “You can’t be thinking nothing. You have to be brain-dead to think nothing.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: “Okay.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: See, we have that ability. Now, here’s the problem, guys. It’s a superpower, and she envies it, and she resents you for it, because she can’t understand it. And here’s what she’ll do. She will immediately think, “He can’t think nothing, so what he’s doing is he’s thinking of something, and he…” She remembers a phrase her mother used to say, “If you can’t say something nice…”

Audience: Don’t say anything at all.

Kenn: So, she will think he’s thinking something, and it’s not nice, and it’s not nice about her.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: And she will fill in the blank with the worst possible thought, and she will fill in that blank and blame you for thinking it-

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: … and then begin to punish and convict you for thinking that thought. And the whole time, you were thinking-

Audience: Nothing. (laughs)

Kenn: Do-

Audience: Hoo-rah.

Kenn: … do you agree?

Audience: Hoo-rah.

Kenn: Uh, Halloween’s coming up, and my kids came up a couple Halloweens ago going, “Dad, can I have this? Look at this. Look at this.” It was a tube of candy, mini-M&Ms. Have you ever seen ’em?

Audience: Yeah.

Kenn: Why? Why did we need that choice?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: For people eating the regular M&Ms going, “I can’t finish a whole one.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Wish they’d make those smaller. Put that in some foil and eat the rest of that later.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Life is complicated enough. How many of you are married? Raise your hands if you’re married? If you’re married, that’s great. Being married is wonderful. It’s wonderful. I do, I do have to agree with my buddy at my, at my grooms’ room at my wedding. Buddy came up. He was one of my grooms. He goes, “Dude, they should warn you when you get married.” Said, “What are you talking about?” He says, “They should warn you.” “What do you mean?” He says, “They should change the wedding vows to let you know what’s ahead.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I said, “Like what?” He says, “To women, they need to be the same. Do you take him, better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health, death do you part? I do. To men, they need to read some version of Miranda rights.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: You have the right to remain silent, because anything you say can and will be misunderstood.

Audience: (laughs) Hoo-rah.

Kenn: And it will be used against you.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Can I get a hoo-rah?

Audience: Hoo-rah.

Kenn: It’s just different. It’s different. My buddies told me after I’d been married for a while, they said, “Man, when you get married, you never get to do anything you want to do ever again.” I’ve been married 14 years. That’s not true. I do whatever I want to do. It’s just now, I have to ask my wife what it is I want to do.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Vacuum? Okay.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Good thing I asked.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Could’ve sworn I wanted to play golf today.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Worst five words any husband will ever hear. Worst five words. Do you notice anything different?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I’ve been married 14 years. I have yet to get that right. I started going through the list. Is it your hair? Um, your nails? Did we have another child?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Physics don’t exist. We have a walk-in closet, walk-in closet at our house. We have racks on both sides, shelving to the ceiling. I get this much room.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: That’s not the part I don’t understand. My wife’s clothes are so packed, you can pull hangers out, and nothing falls down.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: That’s not the part I don’t get. I’ll be in there on a Sunday morning going through which pair of khakis I’m going to wear. My wife will walk in behind me, look at this panoramic view of clothes, and she will actually say the phrase, “I have-”

Audience: Nothing to wear. (laughs)

Kenn: That drives me crazy. There’s only one thing worse. Ladies, I’m going to be very candid with you for a moment. It amazes me how much hair you can lose-

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: … and have any left on your head whatsoever. My wife takes the first shower in the morning. I go to turn on the water. Holy cow.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: There’s a small toupee down in the drain.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I don’t know how you men are, but if I’m brushing my teeth and one falls out, I’m like, “Hey, don’t give up so easy.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Can I get a hoo-rah?

Audience: Hoo-rah.

John: You’re listening to a very engaged audience as Kenn Kington is on the stage. And, uh, what a great presentation today on Focus on the Family. You can get a CD of this program for a gift of any amount. That’s going to include a lot of extra content that we’re not able to present here. Uh, our number is 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY, 800-232-6459. Or donate to the work of Focus on the Family, a monthly pledge or one-time gift, and do so online at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Let’s return now to more from Kenn Kington.

Kenn: But I will say this. I absolutely love being married, and I love being married to my wife. She’s brilliant and beautiful. But one of the reasons why I love being married is that she has this conditions we call -isms, Heather-isms. She mixes up phrases. In my mind, because my mind works in pictures, it’s just entertaining at times. We talk about a friend that had, hadn’t been at work for about six months, and she said, “He better get his act together, or he’s going to be up a tree without a paddle.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I said, “Why do you need a paddle in a tree?”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: There some mutant squirrels I’m not aware of or something?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: She asked about the shows one time. We had this sold-out show up north. She goes, “How do you make that happen?” I said, “Well, people really, they just take a flyer, and they tell their friends. They just get out and tell their friends.” She goes, “Oh, yes. Yes. Mouth-to-mouth. That is the best advertising.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: May not be the best, but it’s the most memorable.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Come here. I want to tell you something.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Just didn’t want you to forget.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: (laughs) The great part is is that they just happen. And every now and then, they just happen usually once or twice w- we’re in our neighborhood at the swimming pool. Head of the pool committee’s standing there talking to my wife. “There’s people getting in, don’t belong. I don’t know how they get in. I just don’t know. I guess we need to tell ’em not to come in. Maybe a sign.” Heather goes, “Ye- Yes. A sign. Yes.” She goes, “I don’t know what to put on the sign. Maybe, maybe residents only or guests with residents only. I don’t know.” Heather goes, “No. You be firm. Be firm.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: She goes, “Like what? What do I put on there?” “Oh, I tell you what to put on there.” And I’m standing there, and in that moment, I literally thought, “Here it comes.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: And I was not disappointed.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: She said, “You just put on there, ‘Trespassers will be violated.’”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: My wife comes by it honestly, because her whole family is eat up with this disease.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: We went to a buffet restaurant. My kids took too much food. They did not eat it all. My mother-in-law looks at them and their plates half full and she goes, “Oh, my goodness. I guess your eyes were bigger than your head.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: My kids are cartoon characters now?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: But my favorite is my father-in-law. I love my father-in-law, but he’s the, he does it, and he’s belligerent about it.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: We went to play golf. I want to hear a hoo-rah if you play golf.

Audience: Hoo-rah.

Kenn: Okay. You’ll get this. Par five, I hit a great drive, got about 200 yards of green. I said, “How far?” He said, “About 200, but it’s over water.” I said, “Well, I’m going to go for it.” He goes, “I wouldn’t do that.” I said, “R- I feel good today. I’m going to give it a shot.” “I wouldn’t do that.” I said, “Well, I’m going to try.” And he goes, “Whatever floats your goat.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I couldn’t help it. I said, “Would that be a boat?” And he turned around. He goes, “Boats already float.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I hit it in the water. It was great.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I got a buddy. His wife has the same condition. I asked him if he was g- I said, “Aren’t you going to lunch with your wife?” He goes, “No. I’m good. I’m good.” So, we went to lunch.

I said, “I thought you were going to have lunch with her.” He goes, “No.” He said, “I called her. She goes, ‘No. I’ve got my doctor’s appointment. It’s my annual monogram.’”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: (laughs) He said, “I said, ‘Boy, that must hurt.’ She goes, ‘No. It’s not that bad.’”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: He said, “What letter are you getting this year?”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: (laughs) Now, the bad part is is when we hear ’em and you can’t laugh. That’s the bad part. We went to visit some friends. He had chest pains, and we went to visit him in the hospital. And she, the wife, walks out right as we walk up. And we’re, “How’s he doing? Is he okay?” And she goes, “Yeah. Um, no. He’s good. He’s good. Um, uh, they ruled out a heart attack. It’s not a heart attack and, um, but they’re going to keep him overnight. Uh, but he’s still in a lot of pain. They’re going to run some tests in the morning. But, um, the pain. But they’re, the, the nurse just went to seduce him, so that’s-”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I waited ’til she looked away, and I leaned over to my wife. I said, “I don’t feel so good myself.”

Audience: (laughs) Hoo-rah.

Kenn: Can I get a hoo-rah?

Audience: Hoo-rah.

Kenn: (laughs) We were laughing walking out of the, through the, the guest room there and the waiting room. And the nurse, a nurse stopped us. She goes, “What is so funny?” And we, I said, “I’m sorry. It’s rude. We just heard something funny.” She goes, “No. No. No.” I said, “I know. It’s rude.” She goes, “No. I’m having a bad day. I want to know what’s funny.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: And we told her, and she said, “Goodness. Last week, you should’ve been here.” And I said, “What happened?” She goes, “I’m in a room. The guy’s got pneumonia, and his wife, she’s walking around the room going, ‘No. It’s not good. No. It’s two or three more days. No. His, his fallopian tubes are all clogged up, and he’s just-‘”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I’m sorry, but if you’re a man and your fallopian tubes are clogged up, pneumonia is the least of your problems.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Just saying. Ah. But see, we, we all need help. We all have a glitch. We all have a glitch, and we all need help. And I tell you, one of the things I love just as, as a hobby, I love fortune cookies, love to get my little fortune cookie, because I love fortunes. And I opened one up. Now, I travel about 100 dates a year. (laughs) And I opened one up time. I’m reading it, and it’s like, “You will travel to many places.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Duh.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: My favorite of all time, though, I opened it up one time, it says, “Avoid taking unnecessary gambles.” Right under it, “Lucky numbers, 17, 14, 13.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I wish they had reality fortune cookies. They got that one, the one saying that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I wish there was a reality one. What doesn’t kill you still hurts a lot.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I’d buy that. I wish I could slip some in sometime just to see the reaction on people’s face. In the days to come, a random dog will bite you.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Maybe you’ve got some friends like mine. I’d love to slip this one in one time. They click it open. Get some new clothes and haircut.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: The ’80s are over.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: But I wish we had, uh, I don’t know if you notice this or not, but we have a lot of answers to problems that nobody has. I mean, issues, problems, and that nobody has. I’m driving down the road today on the interstate, and I’m driving by a speed limit sign, speed limit 55, speed limit 70. That’s my favorite.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Have you noticed the signs they put on, like, every fifth sign on the bottom, “Minimum speed, 40 miles an hour?” Have you seen these?

Audience: Yeah.

Kenn: How are these for?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Have you ever been in a car with somebody going, “Hey, you see any cops?”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I’m doing 35. Woo!

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: And then they have the one on the other side of the road in the median, “Do not drive on median.” Who is in the fast lane going, “Hey, try the slanted area?”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Who does that? Last year, I bought some firewood, took it home, put it in the fireplace throwing it away had a bright orange caution tag on it. I thought, “What do you put on a caution… What?” I looked. It said, “Caution. Warning. This product may be flammable.”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I don’t need that. Emptied the garbage can. Put a new liner in it. As I’m pulling the liner out, I noticed writing on the bottom of the liner. I thought, “What do you write on the bottom of a liner of a trash can?” It was instructions-

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: … on how to use the trash can liner.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Who’s struggling with this?

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Who’s pulling that out going, “What do we do now?”

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I don’t know. Throw some garbage at it.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I’ve got to show you this one, because this was one of my favorites of all time. Wife bought a hair dryer. This fell out. I’ve saved it for years, because I love it. Instructions on how to use the hair dryer. I don’t want to be mean, but if you need instructions on how to use a hair dryer, put it down.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: You don’t need to be using it. But look at this, two-sided, small print-

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: … with diagrams. I’ve got to read you my f- (laughs) my favorite warning and my favorite instruction. My favorite instruction, how to plug it in.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: If the plug does not fit fully in the outlet, reverse the plug.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: If it still does not fit, contact a qualified electrician.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: Can you imagine that phone call? Yeah. I need you to come out to my house.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: What seems to be the problem? I can’t plug in my hair dryer.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: This is my favorite warning. There’s 17 warnings to the use of a hair dryer.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I’ll show it to you afterwards. It’s four words. Never use while sleeping.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: You know I’m kind of tired.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: But I really need to dry my hair.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: I know.

Audience: (laughs)

Kenn: How’d you get that burn spot on your head?

Audience: (laughs)

John: Well, that’s where we’re going to have to end today’s presentation from Kenn Kington on Focus on the Family, and we will have more from him next time.

Jim: That’s right, John. Kenn is going to share a poignant story about his daughter Kennedy who was diagnosed with cancer at just three years of age. As you can imagine, Ken and his wife Heather learned a lot about walking with the Lord through that situation. Uh, you’re not going to want to miss it. And let me encourage you to get a CD of this entire presentation from Kenn Kington with quite a bit of extra content that we’ll add. Uh, we’d be happy to send that out to you when you make a donation of any amount to the work here at Focus on the Family. Join us as we help families thrive in Christ, not just in the US, but also Canada and around the world.

John: Yeah. Donate to the ministry of Focus and request your CD when you call 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY, 800-232-6459. Or you can do so online at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Next time, uh, Kenn will turn a corner. He’ll share the power of community as his daughter battled cancer.

Kenn: For those seven months, this is one of the single greatest encouragements of my life, I will never forget it, every Monday morning, over 3,000 people wore these bracelets and prayed for my daughter.