I’m a young dad trying to be a good husband and father. But no matter what I do, my wife tells me I’m not pulling my weight. I spend a lot of time with my kids. Every night when I come home, I play with them. But she expects me to do things I don’t know how to do and never thought of doing — like cooking and changing diapers. I’m getting tired of her complaining. What should I do?
ANSWER:
Here, as in every other area of married life, open communication is the key to mutual understanding and a successful relationship.
Many couples never talk to each other about their parenting expectations. Nor are they willing to open up and share the fears and struggles they’re facing as they take on the challenge of caring for a child. In most cases, both of them are doing the best they can, and both of them are feeling insecure.
The first step toward resolving this difficulty is to talk about these thoughts and feelings in an honest and non-threatening way. You and your wife need to sit down and discuss this issue calmly and rationally. We suggest you look for an opportune moment to let her know what you’re feeling.
The best way to arrange this is to get a babysitter and take her out for the evening, away from the kids and the pressures of household chores. Share dinner together at a nice restaurant. When you’re both relaxed and in a good mood, express your frustrations openly and candidly.
At the same time, let her know that that you’re eager and willing to help with the kids in any way you can. Ask her if she would clearly tell you her wishes ahead of time. If you’re unsure of your ability to carry out certain tasks, ask her to help you with some basic training and instruction. She’ll probably appreciate this more than you realize.
As you prepare for this conversation, try to be aware of how God-ordained gender distinctions may be impacting your relationship in this particular instance. Nature has delegated the functions of pregnancy, childbearing, nursing and nurturing to the woman. As a result, mothers tend to have an immediate and intuitive connection with a new baby, whereas fathers sometimes feel uncomfortable when asked to step in and lend a hand.
Women often say they want their husbands to assist with parenting tasks like diapering and feeding the baby, but when Dad tries to help, Mom jumps in to correct everything he’s doing. This leads to greater irritation on both sides, and the husband shrinks from trying to help next time, fearing that his attempts will be criticized.
These are only general observations, of course – you will know best how relevant they are to the situation in your home. But if you keep these thoughts in mind, they might give you insight into the marital conflict you’ve been experiencing.
One additional thought. These days it’s common for spouses in our culture to share child-rearing tasks to a much greater extent than their grandparents did. This is largely because many couples are convinced it’s impossible to live on one income, so both husband and wife are employed outside the home.
However, we suggest that assumption is worth challenging. If you have enough courage to give it a try, you might discover that you can cut back on expenses and stretch your resources so Mom can stay home with the kids full-time. This in turn may go a long way toward resolving some of the issues you’ve encountered over the question of sharing child-care responsibilities.
Whatever approach you take, it’s vital that you and your wife learn how to function as a team. God designed babies to benefit from the love and care of both parents, and you and your spouse were designed to fall in love with your child. None of this can happen unless you spend time together. Some dads complain that they’re unfamiliar with baby’s routine, but child-care skills can be learned. This is yet another area in which husband and wife need to be patient with one another and cut each other some slack.
If you and your spouse are struggling in your respective roles as mother and father, call our professional and pastoral counselors for a free consultation at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). They’d be glad to listen to your concerns and offer their perspective. They can also give you referrals to intensive marriage counseling options and to trained therapists in your area who specialize in marriage and family therapy.
Resources
If a title is currently unavailable through Focus on the Family, we encourage you to use another retailer.
His Brain, Her Brain: How Divinely Designed Differences Can Strengthen Your Marriage
They Call Me Dad: The Practical Art of Effective Fathering
Communication: Key to Your Marriage
Other books on Communication in Marriage