Restoring Trust in Marriage

What can a husband and wife do to renew confidence in each another and their marriage? Our years together have included so many painful circumstances that require forgiveness from both spouses. How can we trust again?

ANSWER:

Before we say anything else, we’ll say this: Don’t lose hope. The Lord sees you and your spouse. And He is more than able to work powerfully to accomplish His good purposes in your lives and marriage. You’re taking a key step by reaching out for help as you move toward healing.

Now to answer your question: Be cautious of clichés and pat answers that promise quick fixes. Walls of bitterness and suspicion build up over many years. They can’t be torn down in a single day. Restoring trust takes time and requires correctly understanding and applying forgiveness.

The good news is that you can begin to move in this direction when you know what trust and forgiveness truly mean.

Understanding trust

Trust is something that must be earned. Someone is not worthy of trust simply because they express remorse and you offer forgiveness. That’s just the beginning.

Trust can be broken quickly, but rebuilding it can be a long, complicated process. This is especially true when wrongdoings are exceptionally hurtful or repetitive. When you’ve been wounded, you might feel wary about trusting again unless you can see real evidence that the future will be different.

As you and your spouse work to restore your marriage, hold yourselves accountable for change. Depending on the seriousness of the offenses, you might expect the following actions from each other:

• Take personal responsibility for the harm without shifting blame or being evasive (such as avoiding conversations about the problem, denying or minimizing the issue, and rationalizing behavior).

• Develop a clear and specific plan to prevent further harm. (There’s a difference between hurt and harm.)

• Pursue Christian counseling together. Commit to address any problems and make needed changes.

• Give each other time to heal without undue pressure.

The goal isn’t to make unrealistic demands on each other. Rather, you want to pursue unity in marriage.

The role of forgiveness

People frequently misunderstand forgiveness. They might believe that forgiving means:

• Condoning or excusing the offense.
• Forgetting past abuses or injustices.
• Minimizing or justifying negative behavior.
• Immediately trusting the offender again.

However, true biblical forgiveness doesn’t mean overlooking or sweeping offenses under the rug. Instead, forgiveness involves:

• Giving up unhealthy anger (often expressed as bitterness, spite, rage, revenge, or the “silent treatment”).

• Turning the offender and the offense over to God for His righteous judgment.

• Committing to work together through the issues until you have identified and resolved root causes.

• Rebuilding the relationship on a foundation of solid trust.

Take steps to forgive and trust again

If you are a Christian (you trust Jesus as your Lord and Savior), forgiveness is not optional. God requires you to forgive your spouse:

• “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15).

• “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

That said, we know that choosing to forgive — and continuing to choose forgiveness — can be difficult. Sin is the obvious reason people hurt each other, but getting to the practical heart of what’s wrong isn’t always simple. Ask the Lord to help you. (For more insight, we recommend R.T. Kendall’s book Total Forgiveness.)

We would welcome the chance to walk alongside you. Call us for a free consultation at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). Our professional and pastoral counselors would welcome the chance to talk with you in more detail. They can also refer you and your spouse to certified marriage counselors in your area for ongoing support.

In the meantime, you can look through the resources below.