Steven Curtis Chapman: Beauty in the Brokenness

By Pam Woody
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Courtesy of the Chapman Family

The Chapmans are celebrating 32 years of marriage. Steven and Mary Beth met in college and married young. But married life was much harder than Steven had anticipated.

Their hike in
the mountains of east Tennessee proved to be a beautiful springtime family adventure. Steven Curtis
Chapman, his wife, Mary Beth, and their three oldest kids (Emily, Caleb and Will), along with their
spouses, huffed and puffed their way to the scenic overlook — and the view was breathtaking. In
that moment Steven recognized the parallel between this family hike and his family’s personal
journey, and he was grateful he hadn’t missed the beauty of family just because marriage was so much
work.

The Chapmans are celebrating 32 years of marriage and more than 30 years in the music industry.
Steven and Mary Beth met in college and married young. Steven started work in Nashville and admits
that at the time he thought the great adventure of marriage would be easy because he and Mary Beth
had so much in common. But just a few years later, he found himself trying to juggle all the
competing priorities in his life as he pursued a busy career, parented three small children and
supported his wife in her struggle with clinical depression. Married life was much harder than he
had anticipated.

Building a family on a rocky foundation

During those early years, another
unexpected reality rocked Steven’s world. His parents called to say they were getting divorced.
These were the people who had raised their sons to believe that marriage was a lifetime commitment.
Steven recounts his parents telling him repeatedly, “Divorce is not a word in our vocabulary —
it’s not even an option for us. It’s all going to be OK.” So when they called to share their news,
there was a sudden realization that words were not enough to hold a marriage together. For Steven
and Mary Beth, the real work had only just begun.

Scottie Smith, the Chapmans’ pastor and friend, was the first to clearly explain the roots of the
struggle that was affecting Steven and Mary Beth’s relationship. They loved each other and were
committed to making their relationship work, but as Scottie put it, “Tigger and Eeyore got married.”
Steven approached life with a “fun, fun, fun, fun, fun” perspective, while Mary Beth was more
cautious and “Eeyore-esque.”

“In my Tigger foolishness,” Steven explains, “my tendency was to say that Tigger’s was a much more
godly approach to life. You know, ‘Give thanks in all things’ and ‘Rejoice in the Lord
always.’ ” Steven now better understands how hard it must have been for Mary Beth to live with his
Tigger personality, and he regrets hurting his wife by his determination to “fix” her.

Today Steven says, “God really was up to something good when He brought the two of us together —
when He brought Eeyore and Tigger together. He knew that two Tiggers would wear each other out and
two Eeyores would just dig big holes and cover themselves up.”

In addition to building a marriage,
Steven and Mary Beth continued to build their family. In 2000, the entire Chapman family flew to
Beijing, China, to adopt their daughter Shaohannah Hope, and over the next few years, Steven and
Mary Beth would return to China to adopt little Stevey Joy and Maria Sue.

Crisis and grief

Then grief washed over the Chapmans in a way that threatened to drown them all. On May 21, 2008, while
Steven and Mary Beth were at home in Tennessee, their three young daughters were playing outside
when their older brother Will headed up the driveway in his Land Cruiser. He couldn’t have known
that one of his tiny sisters was running to greet him — and Maria Sue couldn’t have known that her
brother was unable to see her from the driver’s seat. Tragedy struck. Steven and Mary Beth found
themselves grieving the loss of their youngest at the same time they ached for all their hurting
children.

Steven says he’d heard that 95 percent of marriages don’t survive the death of a child. But after
losing Maria, he and Mary Beth couldn’t imagine how divorce was possible. They needed each other
more than ever. Not until the fall of 2009 would Steven and Mary Beth realize what a toll the
tragedy had taken on their marriage. They committed to intense marriage counseling in hopes of
surviving the darkness together.

Steven says that Ephesians 4:2
was a foundational Bible verse as they worked through their
challenges. Even today, Steven and Mary Beth continue to hold tight to the apostle Paul’s
admonition: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (NIV).
Steven says that bearing with each other has helped bring his marriage to a place of shared joy.

“Love bears all things,” he explains. “There’s a reason we’re encouraged to do that, not just so we
bear it and bear it and bear it and then it’s over, but you’re bearing that burden in order to
reach, I believe, these places you only get to experience as you make the journey.”

Steven and Mary Beth are now experiencing family life with three married adult children, two teen
daughters and four precious grandchildren. Mary Beth is learning to find joy amid the pain, and
Steven is learning to “honor the sadness in their shared journey.” Although the grief of the past
nine years can still take each of them to some dark places, Steven can now sit with his wife in the
brokenness. “We’re [all] longing for heaven and we’re longing for it to be right and whole,” he
says, “and it’s not going to be all good here. It’s broken. We’re broken.”

Following that hike in the mountains, the family lingered at dinner where the men at the table took
time to bless their wives. Steven and Mary Beth had shared many tears of pain and sorrow over the
years, but that night they shared tears of joy and gratitude as they watched the next generation
speak life-giving words into their marriages. “To see someone do that for your daughter was an
incredible gift,” Steven says. “[Then] to watch my sons honor their wives and to hear them speak
those words that breathed life into their marriages, and then to get the opportunity to do that for
my bride, Mary Beth, and to acknowledge how she’s stewarding the pain and sadness of her own story
to bring some joy into the lives of others — how precious that is and how great are these moments
when we get to taste and see God’s goodness.”

Pam Woody is the marriage editor for Focus on the Family magazine.
Steven Curtis Chapman offers a more detailed look at faith and family in his new
book,
Between Heaven and the Real World.

Do you know of a marriage in crisis? Learn more about Focus on the Family’s marriage intensives by visiting HopeRestored.com.

© 2017 Focus on the Family.

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There Is Still Hope for Your Marriage

You may feel that there is no hope for your marriage and the hurt is too deep to restore the relationship and love that you once had. The truth is, your life and marriage can be better and stronger than it was before. In fact, thousands of marriages, situations as complex and painful as yours, have been transformed with the help of professionals who understand where you are right now and care deeply about you and your spouse’s future. You can restore and rebuild your marriage through a personalized, faith-based, intimate program called, Hope Restored.
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