It was a sunny Spring morning in 2017, when I was abruptly faced with the blatant truth that I was still very much hurting from becoming post-abortive, 20 years prior. I was driving into work at the Embrace Grace office. As I pulled off the highway and made a right turn at the light, a song from my past came on the radio and triggered me in a completely unexpected way.
I started sobbing uncontrollably, like the crying that comes from the depths of your soul. I couldn’t stop, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t process thoughts rationally. At this moment, the pain and loss of my abortions came like a flood. The only thing I could do was feel the deep aching in my heart.
After a few minutes, I pulled myself together and quietly sneaked into my office so nobody would see my puffy eyes and splotchy cheeks.
But I’ve already been through inner healing…
Later in the morning, I met with a co-worker who could tell something was off. She questioned me about it, and I explained what happened on my drive to the office:
“I gave this to God, went through an abortion healing support group, forgave myself and allowed God to forgive me. I did all the steps, so I don’t understand why I’m feeling this pain. The pain feels so fresh and raw.”
I was utterly unable to wrap my head around the tidal wave of sorrow that had erupted out of my heart.
In the search for healing, we can fall prey to the notion that the “steps” of the journey are a checklist of to-do items, and once we complete the checklist, we are “cured.”
The truth about post-abortive healing.
Healing is a beautiful lifelong journey we embark on with God, and in some circumstances, it requires us to be willing to say “yes” to surrendering it every day. For me, and countless other women who experience abortion, our full healing won’t come until the day we cross over into eternity and come face-to-face with our redeemer. Don’t get me wrong; we don’t stay in the place we began our journey. Progress is made, miles are walked, obstacles are overcome, but there isn’t a magic finish line. God reveals new and beautiful things in our lives as we go deeper into healing with him.
What God so marvelously revealed to me about that day in 2017 when I experienced the wave of emotion related to my abortion experience is: He was still healing me! God was doing a new work, and He allowed this moment to take place so that He could show me how much deeper I needed to dig into healing with Him. He was calling me to re-examine my mending heart. He was asking me to take the next steps and allow Him to expose and restore new layers where hurt remained hidden away.
A prayer for healing.
“So hear me now, Lord; show me your famous mercy. O’ God, be my Savior and rescue me! Then he broke through and transformed all my wailing into a whirling dance of ecstatic praise! He has torn the veil and lifted from me the sad heaviness of mourning. He wrapped me in the glory garments of gladness.” (Psalms 30:10-11 TPT)
Our Heavenly Father’s love for us is so profound that He refused to let us be satisfied with partial restoration. He calls us to deeper intimacy with Him. He wants to turn our wailing into a whirling dance and ecstatic praise! I want to encourage you never to stop seeking wholeness from the trauma you have known. The journey to healing is worth the work. Allow God to continue to reveal the layers where wounds remain and allow Him to restore you!
