We are often drawn to people who are completely distinct from us. What begins as an exciting difference can become an estranged disconnection in times of stress. Usually, as couples, we respond in opposite ways to a crisis. If we aren’t careful, these differences that draw us to each other in the good times will pull us apart in our grief. It’s so easy to turn from each other in times of crisis. The hard thing about raising children who have endured early trauma is that some of us live in a constant cycle of stress, grief, and crisis. Being able to support each other and your relationship, and raise your complex kiddos really takes a team effort. To help you keep your teammate on this journey of being a foster or adoptive parent, here are several tips for a great marriage.
Tips For a Great Marriage
1. Pay Attention to the Things You Love About Each Other
People’s general temperaments don’t really change that much across their lifespan. I would bet that your spouse still does all the things that made you fall in love with them in the first place. The difference now is that you are too stressed to notice it, so you fail to appreciate it. One of the first tips to have a great marriage as foster and
adoptive parents is to start noticing the things your spouse does for you or your children for which you are grateful.
A great time to start this activity is when your spouse is gone for one or two days. Trust me, life is harder without a partner to help in the kitchen with bath time, entertaining the kids, or running to the store., especially when you’re a foster or adoptive parent. Write a list every day of three things your spouse did that day that made you feel grateful. It’s such a simple activity that will absolutely change the way you feel about your spouse
2. Have Grace for Each Other
As humans, we all want two things for our intimate relationships: to feel completely vulnerable and valuable. There is no vulnerability like parenting. It is the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It brings out the best and the worst in us. To be seen at our worst and still loved the same way is the biggest gift we can give to each other.
It says, “You can’t earn or lose the value you have regardless of being the flawed human we all are.” The times I have loved my spouse the most are when he has seen me at my worst and had compassion for me. Your spouse is the only adult who knows exactly what parenting your kiddos is like. This journey is lonely enough without feeling alone in your marriage. Besides, there is no loneliness like the kind that emerges out of disconnection with your spouse.
3. Take Blaming OFF the Table
The alternative to being vulnerable with each other is blaming each other. I can remember blaming my husband for flushing the toilet at night and waking up our son, who was finally asleep. This led to a screaming fit and another hour of getting him settled. Flushing the toilet is not only a normal thing to do but an expected thing to do after you use the bathroom. The unusual complication was caused by our son’s trauma and his inability to be at peace, not my spouse flushing the toilet. If the toilet isn’t the trigger, something else will be. We will all trigger our kids at some point because their alarm state is in hyper-arousal, not because we are doing something wrong. Remind each other of this frequently.
4. Keep Dating
Another tip for a great marriage when you’re a foster or adoptive parent is to keep dating. For 15 years, we almost never left the house together. If we tried, we were called back for reinforcements at home before our burgers made it to the table. We started doing weekly date nights at home. We would order takeout for us and pick up Papa Murphy’s and two movies for the kids. My sweet momma would come and sit with the kids while they ate and watched their movies. Since this was the only TV time they got all week, it was something we all looked forward to.
The two of us would sneak away to our room for three whole hours and lock the door. We knew our kids would be over-stimulated and hard to put to bed. We knew we would get called out at least once to navigate a dispute, but we were committed to that time together. I believe this helped our marriage survive the hard seasons and thrive in the peaceful ones.
We have now been married for 25 years, and every year gets sweeter and sweeter. Time together is a necessary part of connection and
and intimacy. Don’t wait until a peaceful season comes to prioritize your marriage. Many couples do and find themselves so distant by then that rebuilding intimacy is a complex journey, even if both spouses are committed.
5. Seek Professional Support
One of the most important tips for having a great marriage is to have support. As foster and adoptive parents, we are so quick to meet our children’s need for professional support and so slow to invest in our own therapeutic needs. Remember, you are your child’s best resource. You have to be OK in order to help them navigate the rough journey ahead.
6. Foster a Team Mindset
Look at each other in the hardest moments and say, “We are on the same team!” If you need proof of this, sit and write out your goals for your children and family. You will be amazed at how those goals align. We may have different approaches to solving the problem, but we are both trying our best to solve it. It’s easy to fall into a pattern of “keeping score” or resenting your partner if you feel like the workload is uneven. Instead, approach parenting as a team effort. Divide responsibilities in a way that feels flexible and strength-specific.
For example, I turn into a bear past 9:00 PM. My husband is always kind if you wake him up in the middle of the night for any reason. He also has the ability to fall asleep quickly and still sleep well despite multiple interruptions. Because of this, he pulled all of the night duty for our kids.
Now, if I asked him to help a child organize their feelings around something that happened that day, he would have no idea what to do. Also, his agreeableness at 2:00 AM did not help us get more accommodations for our child at his IEP meeting. In fact, I banned him from attending
them because he was way too nice to advocate fiercely.
I often speak to couples who feel really alone in the tasks that fall within their strengths. If this is you, think of ways you and your spouse can support each other and ask directly, “Honey, can you make dinner tonight? I’m going to be wiped out from this IEP meeting. Would you mind taking over the kids this morning? I’m exhausted from waking up three times last night with them.”
The Beauty of the Marriage Journey as a Foster and Adoptive Parent
The beautiful thing about a marriage journey like this is that you will learn to appreciate the simple joys right in front of you. You will find humor in the things you used to argue about before you had real problems. You will prioritize what matters easily and increase in flexibility and grace. There are gifts in this journey that I would not trade.
