Estimated reading time: 9 minutes
The first impulse, naturally, is to panic, get upset, scream, and immediately try to fix the situation. There is a reason your adult daughter has decided to live with her boyfriend. It may be for financial reasons, convenience, seeing it as a practice or tryout for marriage, or several other reasons. Your first step needs to be listening and gathering information so you can understand her motivations and emotions.
Unfortunately, the number of couples wanting to live together has been on the rise for some time now. Focus the conversation on an emotional understanding first. You can say something like,
- “Tell me more about how you landed on this decision.”
- “Why do you think living with your boyfriend is the best idea for your life right now?”
- “Are there things you’re unsure of or scared about?”
- “How do you see this contributing to the health of your relationship now and in the future?”
- “What is your dream for your relationship?” or “What are your hopes for the relationship?”
- “What makes you excited, nervous, invested in this relationship?”
The idea is that you are showing interest in who your child is and working toward understanding the underlying wants, fears, and desires that are driving the current decision. Many times, there are insecurities, fears, change of beliefs, financial pressures, or a strong will driving this decision.
A strong-willed young man once shared his decision to live with his girlfriend. He said they were in love and were ready to try things out. Since his parents had divorced, he viewed living together as a way to “test drive” the relationship to see if they were compatible. This is not an unusual reason young adults use for living together. He said he was in no hurry to get married since so many marriages end in divorce, including his own Christian parents. He shared that they were fine and would take their time considering marriage. In the meantime, he said they would enjoy life together and sometimes go to church.
The relationship became rocky. They ended up getting married anyway. About a year into their marriage, she had an affair and their marriage ended. He learned a lot and went through a lot of emotional pain because of what happened. Still, this was one of the catalysts to propel him toward a closer relationship with Christ.
Why are more young adults choosing to live together?
Cohabitation rates in America have increased 14-fold since 1960. Currently, more adults between the ages of 18 and 44 have lived with an unmarried “partner” than have ever been married. Even among church-going evangelicals, young adults are especially likely to have a positive view of cohabitation. This trend influences many families seeking biblically based, age-specific discipline strategies as they navigate conversations about relationships and commitment.
Sixty-three percent of adults under 30 believe that living together before getting married improves a couple’s chances of having a healthy marriage.
A couple young women I’ve known have held to this faulty perception. Their goal? Both wanted to avoid what they went through with their parents. They did not want to experience a divorce and were convinced that living with a guy would either prepare them well for marriage or help them clearly determine if they wanted to spend the rest of their life with that person. Their mentality has been focused on self-protection rather than sacrificial, patient, and steadfast love. Cohabitation is usually driven by fear, selfishness, and burning desire.
The sad reality is that sex before marriage clouds judgement and living with a person without a full commitment leaves trust wavering even into marriage. God designed sex to be experienced in the context of marriage for a reason. He is the author of love and the creator of our brain. For both of these young women. the decision to live with their partners before marriage did not pave a smooth relational road for either of them.
Studies estimate that couples who live together before marrying are about 60% more likely to divorce than couples who don’t cohabit. Compared to traditional marriages, couples living together are twice as likely to be emotionally unhealthy, sexually unfaithful, or physically abusive.
Why is living together risky?
There are three main reasons behind the often-negative results of living together:
Reason 1: Cohabitation undermines commitment.
Cohabitation carries with it a fundamental lack of commitment and erodes the foundation of marital trust. Marriage is an act of commitment, as the couple’s family and friends witness their vows to love and cherish one another. Young adults often claim marriage is “just a piece of paper,” but they miss its true significance. Marriage means so much more than just a ceremony or a legal obligation. It’s a lifelong, faithful, exclusive, covenantal relationship between one man and one woman. God designed marriage to unite a couple spiritually, physically, and emotionally. This deep and lasting connection can’t really happen until a foundation of commitment and deep trust is laid down. Cohabitation shatters the foundation to a healthy relationship by removing the covenant and eroding trust.
Reason 2: Cohabitation Encourages Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
Couples who live together before marriage are more likely to display unhealthy problem-solving and partner-support habits. Living together creates an easy out for either person to leave whenever they feel like it. Cohabiting couples often resort to manipulation or other unhealthy forms of communication to prevent this from happening. Even if the couple gets married, bad habits created during the cohabitation phase tend to stick.
Reason 3: Cohabitation Short-Circuits Healthy Maturity and Growth
To mature and grow, apart from the pressures of long-term commitments and the emotional entanglements of physical intimacy, a relationship needs time. A year is not too long to wait when two people are planning to spend the rest of their lives together. Rushing into living together can lead to avoidable heartbreak.
Research shows communication, boundaries, humility, patience, self-control, and empathy are far more predictive of marital success than timing alone. Apparently, age is not necessarily the main factor to consider, either. Having boundaries, committing to a covenant, taking a sacrificial risk of love, bringing a humble mindset mixed with patience, self-control, and empathy are what help a marriage last.
Cohabitation is like test driving a relationship — a self-protective and self-centered posture that does not lead to great outcomes.
The negative results of living together are a great reminder that God’s ways are always best. We may think we know better when it comes to marriage, but in the end, God’s design produces the best results. In fact, research points to psychological benefits for newlyweds. Who grow together in the first couple of years of marriage. The positive changes lead to greater marital and life satisfaction.
How can young couples assess compatibility without living together?
Unmarried couples often fall for the lie that living together is the best way to “test drive” compatibility. If this is the case with your adult child, you may want to suggest that they pursue premarital counseling as a wiser and more effective alternative.
How can you share your concerns with your adult child?
Sharing your concerns may not be easy. When deciding to move in with their partner, your adult child is in love and does not want to hear anything that would get in the way of their desires. Like most people, they don’t want to accept that they’re doing anything wrong.
In my practice, I’ve seen parents approach this conversation well and not so well — success or failure begins with a parent’s tone and goals for the time. Some parents seem to panic, yell, or make threats; others immediately highlight everything that may go wrong with the decision to cohabitate.
The first step: curiosity. Parents need to understand why their son or daughter thinks living together is the best idea.
If the opportunity arises, gently express the truth of your concerns and convictions with your daughter. Your priority is to maintain your relationship with your grown child and to keep the lines of communication open. By guarding your relationship, you will be better able to maintain influence and connection going forward.
Before you wade into what could be a sticky conversation, here are some basic, proven communication skills to keep in mind:
- Remember: you are talking adult-to-adult. Especially if your child does not share your conviction of faith, she needs to sense your respect for her.
- Timing is everything. Choose a time when you are both at ease, well rested, and have time to talk.
- Practice active listening, reflecting back what you’ve heard without judgement.
- Ask clarifying questions to help deepen your understanding and bring confusion to light. They also ensure accurate communication.
- Refrain from giving advice unless you’re asked. You may ask your daughter if she is willing to hear your thoughts and feelings about her decision. If she says yes, make sure to express your love and care for her before sharing. Then, honor their response. If it isn’t the right time, trust God to provide another opportunity in the future. Be patient and wait until they ask for advice or seek one-on-one time before you share your input.
- Avoid criticism. When your input is welcome, be mindful to share your wisdom and insight without being critical. Few of us react well to disapproval, and while there is a place for constructive criticism, your adult child may not receive it well.
Even though you are convinced that cohabitation is not in your adult child’s best interests, how you share your concerns matters. Lead with grace and warmth. Don’t compromise on your values but be curious about how your child arrived at this big decision.
What should you do if your child isn’t open to guidance?
Continue to love her and be ready to give counsel if she asks for it. Show grace and forgiveness, even if it seems she doesn’t care about your feelings. Bring your concerns about her to the Lord. You can’t control your adult child; they’re responsible for her own decisions, and you can’t change her heart. But God can and often does.
When parenting a straying adult child, your most powerful tool is prayer. But don’t just ask God to convict your child; pray that He shows His love to her in powerful, unexpected ways. Ask for grace, love, hope, and wisdom to parent your child as He would in this difficult season. Then, rely on God’s strength — He is still writing your child’s story.
If you’re struggling with your son or daughter’s choices and need someone to talk to, we’d love to help. Call us at 1-855-771-HELP (4357) from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. (Mountain time) to speak with one of our licensed or pastoral counseling specialists.
