Day One
Preview
Bill Farrel: The Bible talks about God shedding His love in our hearts. And, and I felt it happen. Like the day after I, I prayed to receive Christ, I woke up, and I went, “Something’s different. I gotta go figure out what this different thing is.” And what I discovered is that when you receive Christ as your Savior, the Holy Spirit takes residence inside of you, and He brings His power, and He brings His love. So when I look at Pam, I don’t just ask the question, “How can I love Pam?” I ask the question, “How can God love Pam through me, because that’s available to me now?”
End of Preview
John Fuller: That’s Bill Farrel. And he and his wife, Pam, join us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. They’re gonna be talking about, uh, your secret code as a husband and wife. Thanks for joining us. I’m John Fuller.
Jim Daly: You know, John, these days everything has a secret code or password. I mean, everything has a password.
John: Oh. (laughs).
Jim: It’s so frustrating, isn’t it?
John: It is. You’ve gotta spend so much time-
Jim: (laughs).
John: Proving that you’re not some computer. (laughs)
Jim: I… Basically, you have to carry, like, an old address book in your back pocket-
John: (laughs).
Jim: … that has all your passwords. (laughs) And if you lose it, you’re in trouble.
John: Yeah.
Jim: But man, I’m telling you, there is so much now connected to the code, whatever that code may be. And I never really thought about it. But we do have a secret code with our spouse.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And that’s how to unlock the heart. Right? And today, we’re gonna talk with some great guests about how to identify the keypad, how to put in the right code, and then how to have a wonderful marriage.
John: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Jim: How about that?
John: That it’s a really good, uh, program we have for you today. There’s, uh, there’s just so much from Bill and Pam Farrel. They have spent, s… uh, 40 years now in marriage ministry. And, uh, they founded an organization called Love-Wise. They’re popular conference speakers. They’re writers. Uh, the book that we’re talking about today is The Secret Language of Successful Couples: The Keys for Unlocking Love. And so, uh, learn more about the Farrels and this terrific resource when you’re at our website. We’ve got the link at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Jim: Bill and Pam, welcome back to Focus. It’s great to see you.
Pam Farrel: We always feel so at home here.
Jim: (laughs).
Pam: It’s like coming home.
Jim: Oh, that’s sweet.
Bill: Yeah.
Pam: But I need to work out. I live at, um, you know, sea level.
Jim: (laughs) Yeah.
Pam: We live on a boat.
Jim: Oxygen’s a little thin.
Pam: And this is not.
Bill: Yeah. You bet. (laughing) At sea level. Yeah.
Jim: You don’t wanna run around in the parking lot. (laughing) But let me… I mean, that whole idea of secret code-
John: Yeah.
Jim: … I love the concept of your book, The Secret Language of Successful Couples, because doggonit, most of us husbands, we’re still trying to figure out this code. (laughing) I’ve been married to Jean 38 years, I got three of the four digits. (laughing) I just need you to help me get that fourth digit, and I can unlock her heart. No, but it’s a wonderful concept.
Bill: Yeah. The way I like to like set it up for guys-
Jim: Yeah. (laughs)
Bill: … is us guys, when we get, when we get married, we think we’re marrying one of our buddies.
Jim: (laughs).
Bill: She just looks way better than all the guy friends we have.
Jim: (laughs).
Bill: And then we get married, and we realize, “I married a woman.
Jim: (laughs).
Bill: And I don’t know how this works.” And, and it’s… It always amazes me that, like, marriage is a complex relationship, but it often comes down to simple things.
Jim: Now, what’s so funny with that comment, there’s gonna be people w- watching on YouTube and people listening to us. And they’re going, “It was never difficult for us.”
Bill: Mm-hmm.
Jim: I have met these couples when I speak, and they’ll come up and say, “You know what? We just never had a problem. We were just meant to be.” And you go, “Wow, that’s, like, a 1% thing.” Right?
Pam: Right.
Jim: ‘Cause I don’t- (laughs).
Pam: Don’t we wish that.
Jim: Most people do not have that experience. Uh-
Bill: Well, and, and in fairness to, you know, people who grew up in healthy homes, I, I think most of us did not-
Jim: (laughs).
Bill: … but for people who grew up in healthy homes where parents modeled this for them-
Jim: Yeah.
Bill: … actually trained them how to do this. For those couples, they… it seems normal.
Pam: But that’s not our background.
Jim: Yeah. (laughing).
Pam: Like, we… My parents were divorced, and my dad was an alcoholic. Um, so I s… I grew up with just turmoil. Like, every family holiday, uh, dial 911. You know, it was just like craziness.
Jim: Well, I call that the normal dysfunctional family.
Pam: Yes. Right. (laughs).
Bill: Sure.
Jim: That’s about 90% of the culture-
Bill: Right.
Jim: … I think grows up in that kind of home.
Pam: And Bill’s-
Bill: And in contrast to that, Pam started working with our boys when they were young on how to have a conversation with a female.
Pam: Like, I’d take them to the park, and I would, uh, ask a question, kick the ball, and they couldn’t kick the ball back to me until they answered the question and ask me a question-
John: Mm-hmm.
Pam: … ’cause I wanted them to be good conversationalists with their wives someday in the future, because that was just not the norm. You’re right. The dysfunction-
Bill: Right.
Pam: … is more the norm. And when I met Bill, I realized, “Wow, this home is dysfunctional too.” He took me home to meet his parents.
Bill: Right. Back in my home, if people were communicating, it usually involved yelling and throwing things.
Jim: Right.
John: Oh.
Bill: And, and so I didn’t see it modeled, like, how do you, how do you resolve conflict? How do you talk to your wife? How do you, how do you create an environment where your li- wife likes being around you and talks well of you? I was like, “I have no idea how to do that.”
Pam: So Bill and I-
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: .. were like desperate. Um, Bill likes to say, “We just knew a few things when we met each other and-”
Bill: Like, three things specifically. We knew that we loved Jesus with all our heart. We knew we were madly in love with each other, and we knew we had no idea what we were doing.
Pam: Not a clue.
Jim: Yeah. Well, I just wanna go back to the teaching the boys how to have conversations with girls.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Jim: How many grandchildren do you have?
Pam: We have seven now.
Jim: You obviously succeeded. They- (laughing).
Pam: Exactly. And our grandkids are actually really great people, people as well.
Jim: Oh, that’s good.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: That’s so sweet.
Pam: It’s wonderful.
Jim: Let me, let me go back to the whole theme of the secret code.
Bill: Yeah.
Jim: And you, you mentioned in the book about an experience you had. (laughs) The reason I’m laughing already is-
Pam: Right. (laughs).
Jim: …I’ve had this experience too where you go to check in at the hotel.
Bill: Right. So, so we were in a hotel.
Jim: (laughs).
Bill: And, and you know, the, the beauty of our world is there’s lots of different cultures running around in this world.
Pam: Which we love that.
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Bill: And different cultures have different, uh-
Jim: Pronunciation.
Bill: Thank you.
Pam: Yes.
Jim: Yeah.
Bill: So, so we are in our hotel room, and I wanna get on the internet. So I called down to the desk, and I said, “Hey, hey, can I get the information, you know, the username and password for the internet connection?” And, and the guy on the phone said, “Oh, yeah, that easy.” I went-
Jim: (laughs).
Bill: … “Okay.” He said, “It’s B-E air I-E-B-E.” So I spell it again. And it was wrong. I went, “Well, okay. How about the, how about the password?” Oh, that easy.
Jim: (laughs)
Bill: It free rowy free.
Jim: (laughing) Okay. So you go to the lobby.
Pam: Yes.
Bill: And my only response was, “I’ll, I’ll be right down.”
Jim: (laughs) Yeah.
Pam: Please write it down.
Bill: And I went down. The username was believe.
Jim: Oh my.
Bill: And the password was three, the number three, rally three.
Jim: Oh, wow.
Bill: And I went, “Well, now that I’ve got it, it’s simple.”
Jim: Yes.
Bill: But trying to communicate it was nearly impossible.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Bill: And it hit me. That happens with Pam and I.
Pam: It happens in all marriages.
Bill: Like, I think I know how to communicate with her. And then we get started. And all of a sudden, we’re in a land I don’t recognize. And I’m like, “What happened?”
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: That’s so amazing. See, when that happens to me, I don’t think about my marriage. I think, “How can I get this Wi-Fi going?” (laughing) What a good marriage guy you are. How does this relate to my marriage? That is awesome.
Pam: That’s how we get all of our books written, is that little aha moment turns into-
John: Ah. Yeah.
Jim: Okay. So then the question is how do codes-
Bill: Yeah. So I started-
Jim: … relate to marriage?
Bill: … I started thinking, “Okay, is there… Basically, is there a username and password that would give me access to Pam’s heart?” ‘Cause I’ve noticed when, when I accidentally get connected to her heart, she’s really easy to be with and fun to talk with. But if I miss the connection, it’s a lot of static.
Jim: Now, here’s the secret part, Pam, you don’t say to Bill, “Here’s my username. Here’s my passport.” (laughing).
Pam: Right.
Jim: Uh, for some reason, you guys wanna keep that all secret.
Pam: Right. And it was-
Jim: You don’t wanna tell us.
Pam: .. in all place because-
Jim: What is going on with that? Just give us the username and password.
Pam: And sometimes, we’re not even aware.
Jim: (laughs).
Pam: And that’s why we can’t give it. Yeah.
Bill: So what I discovered is of my username I was given on my wedding day, which is husband. So that gets me into the conversation ’cause I’m the only husband Pam has. The, the password that gets me into her heart is the word security.
Jim: Hmm.
Bill: And I remember when I first heard that, you know, as, as a young married guy, you know, guys would tell me, “Hey, your wife needs to feel secure.” I’m like, “Oh, okay.” Like, I’m strong. I work hard. I’m gonna provide. Like, what- what’s so hard about this? I… But then, I realized there’s gonna be more to this ’cause there’s something about it I’m not getting. And so I finally came to the realization that what security means for Pam is she’s asking the question every day that she’s with me. And the question is, “Is it safe to be who I am today around you?”
Pam: Because we have change in lives. Um, you know, women have plenty of hormones. Um, and so every day is a little bit different than the day before. The one common denominator is change.
Bill: Mm-hmm.
Pam: And so we are asking every day, “Do you love me as this version today?”
John: Mm-hmm.
Bill: Right, ’cause I did notice some days, Pam wakes up, and she’s like the easiest person in my life to get along with. There’s other days that she’s like really mellow and kind of laid-back, don’t wanna do much. There’s other days that everything in life is frantic, we gotta get on it right now. And then there’s just some days in our home where there’s a no-fly zone.
John: (laughs).
Bill: And the only thing I would say to her on those days is, “Um, would you like flowers or chocolate?”
Jim: (laughs)
Pam: Yeah. 70% dark chocolate. Yeah. Some daffodils.
Bill: So I was noticing it happening but didn’t know how to work with it.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Bill: And, and I had to come to realize that she just needs to hear, “Hey, the person you are today is okay with me.”
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Bill: And looking back, I realized I got introduced to this on our honeymoon, but didn’t realize it.
Jim: Oh.
Pam: Yeah. We were… Okay. So we do what honeymooners do. We go out to the nicest restaurants. This is up in Reno and-
Jim: Spend more money than you have.
Pam: Yeah. (laughing) Exactly. You, you know, it’s bad when they don’t even put the prices on the menu. Right? (laughing) And so it was lovely time. And we came home, and we had a fireplace in the room. And so there’s a reason that we also wrote Red-Hot Monogamy, um, book.
Jim: (laughs).
Pam: So we enjoyed all that. And, um, I just started to share, um, I thought Bill wanted to know everything about me. So I sort of started to share.
Bill: Everything. You guys had everything.
Pam: Yeah. Everything.
Jim: (laughing).
Pam: So I started to share every boyfriend I’ve ever had since like, grade seven.
Jim: Hmm.
Pam: Uh, I mean, grade-
Bill: Like, Pam has an epic history.
Pam: Right. Right. And so-
Jim: This is your wedding night?
Pam: I know, right? (laughing) Like, really bad.
Jim: Sorry. You should have called 1-800-A-FAMILY.
Pam: Right. (laughing)
Jim: We could’ve helped you with that.
Pam: Yeah. Obvious. No. Yeah. But Bill was, like, s… trying to hang in there with me-
Jim: Good for you.
Pam: … and he fell asleep somewhere, you know-
Bill: Yeah, fell asleep.
Pam: … when, uh, I was about 14.
Bill: Yeah.
Pam: And, um-
Jim: Not that she remembers. (laughs)
Pam: (laughs) And, um, so I’m like, “He fell asleep. I can’t believe he fell asleep on me.” And so I start crying. You know, the kind of crying. Okay. Women, be honest, the kind of crying you do that it shakes the bed to try to get him to wake up again, that kind of crying. And so I-
Bill: So, I, I wake up. And I’m like, “P- Pam, what’s wrong? Like, I thought we had a great night and, like, our honeymoon was fantastic. What- what’s going on? You’re crying, like, crazy.”
Pam: You, like, fully fell asleep on me.
Bill: Yeah.
Pam: Like, I thought you loved me and wanted to know everything about me, but like you, you just fell asleep.
Bill: P- Pam, I was just tired. Like, I, I think you’re the most fascinating person I’ve ever met, which is why I married you, and I plan to spend the rest of my life getting to know you. I was literally just tired.
Jim: So that’s on the security side.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Bill: Right.
Jim: This idea of being secure. You’ll love me even if.
Bill: And, and the key is it’s safe to be who you are today around me-
Jim: Okay.
Bill: … ’cause when women feel like it’s safe, everything calms down.
Jim: Before we move to, uh-
Bill: Mm-hmm.
Pam: Mm-hmm. Right.
Jim: … your password for Bill, you know, for men, I mean, we’re in the 101 territory here, right?
Bill: Yeah.
Jim: Password 101.
Bill: Yeah.
Jim: Sometimes, we’ll struggle to understand that. Um-
Bill: Well, this is not a language we speak.
Jim: Correct.
Bill: Like, like Jim, I would never come to you today and say, “Hey, Jim, are, are you feeling safe today?”
Jim: (laughs)
Pam: We have never had that conversation with you two.
Bill: Yeah. Thanks for laughing. (laughing) I’m like, “What’s, what’s the purpose of that question?”
Jim: (laughs) Let’s go play golf.
Bill: Right? Yeah. Like, like, we know safety’s somewhere on the list ’cause you have to be alive to live your adventure.
Jim: Yeah.
Bill: But the goal is the adventure. It’s not the safety.
Jim: Right. Actually the less safe, the better the adventure.
Bill: Yeah.
Pam: (laughs).
Bill: And, and if you moaned about being like, unsafe too long, I go, “Jim, man up. Come on.” You would go, “Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,” ’cause we just don’t speak this language with each other.
Jim: But that’s a, I guess, the question I’m aiming at is, uh, uh, what are we looking for then? Help me with the ingredients of this marriage stew. What do I need to put in the pot to make her happy?
Bill: So, so the first is a decision that I’m gonna assume that the security need is always on the table.
Pam: Yep.
Bill: And I’m gonna address it first.
Jim: What does that sound like in a conversation? (laughs) I’m sorry to go to 101 here.
Bill: So.. No, no, no, no. I… It’s, it’s a great question ’cause it’s the one that should be asked.
Jim: Yeah.
Bill: So the… What’s the first thing men complain about? My wife talks too long. So the first way to provide security is I’m going to listen to you until you stop.
Jim: Wow. Okay.
Bill: Now for men-
Jim: You’re not gonna say, “You’re talking too much.”
Bill: Can you get to the point?
Jim: Can you get to-
Bill: What is this really all about?
Jim: Well, how about finish a sentence?
Bill: Yeah.
Pam: (laughs)
Jim: I’m great at that.
Bill: Yeah.
Jim: Jean will often say, “Why do you always finish my sentences?”
Bill: Right.
Jim: Because it’s taking too long. (laughing).
Bill: Right.
Jim: She doesn’t like that.
Bill: And what she’s doing is she’s connecting her life to you to see if you’re a safe person in her life.
Jim: Wow.
Pam: And the more she connects her life to you, the more she feels safe, and the more love will come towards you which that has a good payoff. If you… If the guys think about the long haul benefits, it’s like, “Okay. I can hang in there.” Yes.
Bill: And the other thing I would say to guys is show affection when she’s irritated. It’s the last thing we want to do. Like, when our wife is like, you know… at us, we don’t want to show affection. So we try to argue our way out of it. Like, what- what’s happening when she’s irritated and alarms going off? Something’s not right. Something’s not right. Something’s not right. When we try to fix it, it’s like, “Oh, something’s really not right ’cause now he’s defending himself.” And now we’re, we’re increasing the alarm.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Bill: Where if the only reason she’s irritated with you is her whole life’s tied up with you, and she wants to be close to you, but the atmosphere doesn’t feel right to say that. So she’s creating irritation.
John: Mm-hmm. What great insights today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Our guests are Pam and Bill Farrel. And, uh, we’re talking about some of the concepts in their book, The Secret Language of Successful Couples: The Keys for Unlocking Love. And, uh, you can get your copy of that book from us here at the ministry. Uh, we’ve got the links at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Jim: Pam, we’ve, uh, gone with security, the, the wife’s code.
Pam: Right.
Jim: What is your code for Bill?
Pam: So my username is wife when I got married. And that secret code that unlocks my husband’s heart is success. Guys wanna be successful in all areas of life. You know, of course, they wanna be successful at work, and they wanna be successful, I mean, in the community and in the church and with the kids. But they definitely want to be successful with their wives. In fact, the number one thing that’s like a complaint that we hear from men, is there’s just no pleasing the woman. Like, they just don’t know how to succeed.
Jim: That’s what they’re saying.
Pam: Yeah. That’s what they’re saying.
Jim: Wow. Interesting.
Pam: Like, number one way.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: Like, and so the, the cry of their heart is how can I feel successful, you know, with this woman in my life. And so they wanna be successful with their wives. And um, it sometimes shows up early in a relationship. And it, it can be confused with, like, maybe the male ego ’cause like a lot of times, we hear about the male ego. And um, so I was… Bill and I, we came back from our honeymoon trip. And one of the first things we did, um, is we went to a birthday party. Now, we lived in Bakersfield at the time. And everybody has a swimming pool s… No matter what season, the parties are out by the pool. So we were dancing deckside, and Bill’s a great dancer.
Bill: It was going well.
Pam: Yeah. He’s, like, a wonderful dancer.
Jim: (laughing).
Pam: And um, so they were playing like our song, which is, like, unforgettable. And at the end, he just, like, does this big dip with me. And he drops me on the ground.
Bill: Dropped her right on the ground.
Pam: So I’m like, “I’m in the ground.” I’m like, “Honey, why am I laying on the cement here?”
Bill: And trying to keep it secret, I whispered to her, “I just ripped my pants.”
Jim: Oh. (laughs)
Pam: And I spun him around, and I looked, and I’m like, “You guys.” And I turned him to the whole audience, all of our friends, “Hey, look. Bill just ripped his pants.” And I thought it was funny. All our friends thought it was funny. Bill did not think it was funny.
Bill: No. Yeah. Was not enjoying the moment.
Pam: Right. (laughing).
Jim: I could see that.
Pam: And so super silent ride home for 20 minutes, and I realized, “Okay, God. I think I did something wrong.” And I think that pointing out flaws in my husband in public, not really a good idea. It’s not even a great idea in private, but let alone in public. And so I thought… I should have, “Like, how can I help you succeed? Like, can I go get a jacket?
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: Like, is there another pair of pants? I mean I should have, like, that should have been what crossed my mind.
Bill: Well, it- it’s hard for us guys to admit how emotional being successful is. Like, if, if we know there’s something in life we can succeed at, we’ll put all of our effort into it. We will focus. We’ll give it our all. If we face something we believe we cannot succeed at, we’re gonna run away from it.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Bill: And it happens in marriage all the time. Like, men who feel like they can communicate with their wives, they’ll jump in and communicate. If they feel like it’s not going well, they just back off, and they talk less and less ’cause they’re not succeeding. Men who feel like they can make decisions with their wives will jump in and make decisions and look forward to meeting men who cannot. Like, they feel like they’re always getting criticized, always getting run over. They just start to avoid it. So men will spend lots and lots and lots of hours at work ’cause they know they can succeed there, and they come home, and they don’t know how to succeed at home.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Pam: They come home late. Um, they- they’re not there.
Jim: Well they do retreat.
Pam: They retreat.
Bill: And we-
Jim: Emotionally.
Bill: And we’re kind of afraid to admit how much influence our wives have on us if they were willing to, to compliment-
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Bill: … and to be proud of us.
Pam: So conversely, you know, God kind of clues us in if we’re praying, “Okay, God, how can I help my husband succeed?” And just a few years later, um, we were… We had just moved. Bill was taking over a pastorate, and we had to move from a beautiful three bedroom, two bath house to, like, a little apartment. And I was not very happy. Um, and so, like, I was complaining like, “How long do we have to live like this?” Uh, because it was so expensive in San Diego where we had moved.
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Pam: Nothing seemed affordable. And so we were gonna live in this little apartment that didn’t even let kids play, like, on the grass, on the sidewalk. It’s like kids couldn’t exist. And so I was, I was miserable. And I was trying to (laughs) make everybody else miserable too.
Bill: Yeah. Yeah. And I was feeling like I’m failing my family.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Bill: And there’s no way I’m gonna please my wife.
Pam: And so, one day, I was just in misery. And um, I went to the walk-in closet to get something off the shelf, and I didn’t even remember why I went there. And I just sat down on top of this dirty load of laundry. And I started to cry and I said, “God, this is crazy. You know, I have a husband who loves me, and I have two kids that are healthy. And um, like, why am I so miserable here?”
Jim: Hmm.
Pam: Like, I complain all the time and, oh, yeah, that makes him wanna run home and spend time with me.
Jim: (laughs).
Pam: Yeah. Well, you have to give me an answer to this paint. So I went to the Bible, and I began to look at all the verses that had been underlined and starred and asterisk and highlighted. And I came across this verse that was super familiar, and it was out of Ephesians 5,
Bill: Uh, which says, “Wives, respect your husbands.”
Pam: And so I said, “Okay. What does respect really mean?”
Bill: (laughs).
Pam: I think, God, there should be like a loophole for times like this.
Jim: (laughs).
Pam: And so I got out my Bible and all my Bible study tools ’cause I was looking for the loophole.
Jim: (laughs).
Pam: How I could not have to respect Bill-
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Pam: … at this time? And, um, instead, God showed me the formula. What does respect and honor really mean? And so, um, basically, God said, “I want you to see Bill as God sees Bill, a man worthy of honor and respect, because I gave him to you as a gift. I want you to speak to words that I would, God, use to speak to Bill, words that would edify and encourage and lift him up. Life-giving words. Pam, I want you to, um-
Bill: Serve.
Pam: … serve alongside of Bill, help him be successful in this new pastorate as a help meet. That’s what I’ve called you to be.” And so I called Bill on the phone, I’m like, “Hey, you wanna go lunch?” And Bill said-
Bill: I think so. (laughing)
Pam: He wasn’t sure what it was gonna get.
Bill: ‘Cause there’d been a lot of criticism up until that point.
Pam: Yeah. (laughs) But over lunch, I shared what the Holy Spirit taught me in the Word. And I said, “Honey, you know, if I don’t get all the things, the new house, the new cars, the things that I think that I need to be happy. I just want you to know that before God, right now, I commit 100% I am on your team.”
Bill: And internally, I, I… If I were to say what happened internally, it was kind of a, a great big yes-
Jim: (laughs).
Bill: … because something turned on inside. When I, when I realized Pam believes in me and Pam is gonna help me with whatever God leads us on, Pam’s gonna be all in. And I don’t know how to describe it, but her belief in me turned me into a better pastor and a better husband.
Jim: You know, let me ask you right here at the end, and we’re gonna pick this conversation up next time. But at the end here, uh, your awareness of one another is a critical ingredient to this.
Bill: Mm-hmm.
Pam: Indeed.
Jim: And I’m thinking Pam of wives who are saying, “Yeah, but you don’t know my husband.” The- they haven’t expressed that. And husbands-
Bill: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … the, “You don’t know my wife, all she does is talk,” whatever it might be.
Bill: Mm-hmm.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And so there… It feels like, metaphorically, those people that are not leaning in are backing up. And that’s not healthy ’cause you won’t get to a better place by backing up or getting reclusive emotionally and not engaging emotionally. So right at the end here, I’d like for both of you just to mention that for the wives, Pam and for the husbands, Bill, how-
Pam: Right.
Jim: … how do you arrest that sinister side, this is never getting better.
Bill: Mm-hmm.
Jim: I’m just gonna go watch the football game, eat dinner down here, and let it go.
Pam: You know, what I encourage wives is, you know what, it has to start with somebody. Why not ha… Let love start with you, ’cause there’s no downside. If we choose to be a loving person towards our mate, we become a loving person in all of our life. Our kids will love us better. We’ll be happier emotionally. We will see God whisper like He did to me when I sit down on the load of laundry. And He will bring us to places in the words… God’s Word that will fortify us and give us hope for the… on the horizon. And so you become a better person if you lean in to Jesus-
Bill: Yeah.
Pam: … if you lean into the Word, if you lean into, you know what, hey, maybe, it’s only one-sided right now, but I believe you are a big God, and that if I help him succeed somehow, some way, you’re going to catch him up to your plan just like you’ve caught me up, God.
Jim: Well, I think it… that- that’s exactly right. And I guess, Bill, as you answer this idea of the insanity of doing it the same way and-
Bill: Right.
Jim: … it’s not working.
Bill: Well-
Pam: (laughs)
Jim: I mean, but we do that as humans.
Bill: We do it all the time.
Jim: If you think about it, it really is fruitless.
Bill: Yeah. Well-
Jim: I mean, you gotta get out of that groove and try something different.
Bill: Yeah, and in a more positive sense.
Jim: Yeah.
Bill: Like, in marriage, it only takes one breakthrough to set things right.
Jim: Hmm.
Bill: You know, it’s the same way we started this with usernames and passwords. You know, if you’re a little bit off on the password, you can’t get in. But all you have to do is get the password right once, and you’re in.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Bill: You get access. So if, if what you’re doing isn’t working, try something different.
Jim: Yeah. (laughs).
Bill: You know what I mean? If you’re having trouble listening to your wife, just set a goal. Like I- I’ve got a capacity of two and a half minutes right now. I’m gonna stretch it to five. And when I’m done, I’m just going to compliment her. I’m not gonna answer. I’m not gonna so- solve anything. I’m just gonna compliment her on something and see if it makes a difference, because if you train yourself to operate different, you’re gonna get different results. And if you hit the breakthrough, everything breaks open, and the marriage starts to work. You got married for a reason. It can be revived.
Jim: Yeah.
Bill: But not if you’re stuck in the same patterns.
Jim: You know, and what you’re saying, which is so true, many people that sit across this table from us, John, um, i- it fits that same idea. The only thing you control is you.
Bill: Yeah.
Pam: That’s right.
Jim: You don’t control your spouse.
Bill: Yeah.
Jim: You really don’t. So do something differently-
Bill: Yes. But –
Jim: … coming from you.
Bill: But you don’t control your spouse, but you influence your spouse.
Jim: Oh, yeah. Both positively and negatively.
Bill: Yeah.
Pam: (laughs).
Bill: And if you’re willing to do something different, it will have some influence.
Jim: That is so good. And we’re right at the end today, but I think we’ve kicked this off in a great direction. And let’s come back next time and keep the conversation going and, hopefully, give you more tools on how to do marriage better, especially in the Christian context as believers. But everybody can apply these principles and do better in their marriage. Get above the line. Bill and Pam, thanks for day one.
Bill: Thank you.
Jim: Appreciate it.
John: Yeah. This has been so good. And you can follow up on this great conversation when you get a copy of the book, The Secret Language of Successful Couples: The Keys for Unlocking Love. We have that here at Focus on the Family.
Jim: You know, John, before we get into the details on how to get that resource, I’d like to remind everybody that we have caring Christian counselors who will listen, pray with you, and get you on a better path toward healing and hope. And I think that’s what it’s all about, right?
John: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Jim: Going toward a more godly direction. And for marriages that really need help, we have our Hope Restored Marriage Intensives that we have talked about time and again here at Focus on the Family. We have several locations around the US now, and they are helping husbands and wives find healing in their relationships.
John: Yeah. They do such good work there. And, uh, Jim, as you know, Dena and I had a chance a number of years ago to uh, attend a Hope Restored, uh, Marriage Retreat. And wow, it changed us in so many wonderful ways. Uh, we still use the tools to this very day.
Jim: Well, that’s usually what happens. It’s got an 80% post-two-year success rate. I don’t know of anything that’s hitting that kind of number that’s going on in the country to save marriages. And the bottom line is none of this is possible without generous friends like you. As a nonprofit ministry, we depend on your financial support. And if you aren’t already a member of our friends at Focus on the Family, I want to urge you to join our March Membership Drive. Uh, we’ve set a goal of finding 1,000 people to join a community of monthly sustainers who care deeply about families. Your monthly gift will help us provide all the resources to meet the needs of families and help them heal through Christ.
John: Mm-hmm. Yeah. So join the support team today. And when you do request your copy of Bill and Pam’s great book, The Secret Language of Successful Couples, details are at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast, or call 1-800, the letter A and the word FAMILY. And when you make that monthly pledge today a gift of any amount, we’ll send a copy of the book, The Secret Language of Successful Couples, as our way of saying thank you for joining the support team. And, of course, if you’re not in the spot to make a monthly ongoing gift, we certainly, uh, can appreciate that. And we’ll say thanks for your one-time donation by sending a copy of the book as well. Well, plan to join us next time for more with Bill and Pam Farrel. And for now, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.
Day Two
Preview:
Pam Farrel: It has to start with somebody. Why not ha- let love start with you? Because there’s no downside. If we choose to be a loving person towards our mate, we become a loving person in all of our life.
End of Preview
John Fuller: Well, that’s Pam Farrel, and she and her husband Bill join us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, offering tips on how to communicate more effectively with your spouse and unlock their heart. Thanks for joining us. I’m John Fuller.
Jim Daly: John, I so appreciated, uh, both Pam and Bill’s comments. They were, it was funny, actually, and I think it was funny ’cause it was so close to home.
John: Ah-
Jim: Right? (laughs)
John: … yes. (laughs)
Jim: And, uh, we could all identify with, uh, this idea of women nee- needing security and men needing success and to be each other’s cheerleaders in that regard. I think, as Bill said yesterday, I think men struggle a bit more on how do we do that well. What does that mean? I mean, I was looking for those ingredients and he delivered. If you missed the conversation last time, go to the website, get the app at the smartphone, and you can hear everything-
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … and hear it when you want to. So, I’d encourage you to go back and listen to day one.
John: Yeah, we’re gonna do a deeper dive on some of these great concepts that we heard last time. Uh, Bill and Pam Farrel have been in marriage ministry for over 40 years now, and they started the organization called Love-Wise. Uh, they speak at conferences, they write, they’re on, uh, podcasts and TV shows, and we’re so glad to have ’em back here talking about their book, The Secret Language of Successful Couples: The Keys for Unlocking Love. It’s a terrific resource, and you can get a copy from us here at the ministry at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Jim: Bill and Pam, welcome back for day two. It’s good to have you.
Pam: Yo.
John: Yeah.
Jim: Thanks for that-
Bill: Hmm.
Jim: … stamina. (laughing) And, uh, we’re looking forward to it. It was so good last time. I mean-
John: (laughs)
Jim: … I just, I was laughing inside, going, “Oh, my gosh.
John: (laughs)
Jim: This is Jean and I.”
John: (laughs)
Jim: And, uh-
Pam: It’s everybody.
Jim: And, you know, and sometimes-
Pam: (laughs)
Jim: … you’re in a good place. Sometimes you’re not in as good a place. Let me put it that way.
Bill Farrel: Yeah.
Jim: We didn’t get to something I wanted to get to last time, and that is this acrostic that you use for marriage. So, let’s move through that, maybe quickly list them, and then we’ll go back and pick off a couple.
Pam: Yeah, we did talk about that line of trust, and that marriage is better when we’re above that line of trust.
Bill: Mm-hmm.
Pam: And, so if you look at the main areas, um, that we need to unlock success for him and security for her, uh, it would be the mystery of love. How are we different and how can we-
Bill: Mm-hmm.
Pam: … use those differences for us?
Jim: The M in marriage.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Bill: Mm-hmm. Yep.
Pam: And then the A in marriage is affection. How can we just be kind. Like, uh, honestly-
Bill: Yeah.
Pam: … Bill and I think if we were just nice to each other, the divorce rate would go down. I mean, just that one let alone. And then recreation, developing that active, you know, uh, friendship. Um, couples that work out together actually have more red-hot monogamy, and they live longer. Okay, that’s some good things. Right? And then resolving conflict, that is a tough one for many people, especially folks like Bill and I that come from crazy dysfunction. Right? And then intimacy, uh, is the I in marriage and a little bit of red-hot monogamy, and that happens when you live and love above that line of trust. And then activating alarms. There are alarms in each of our relationships that are kinda like warning signals. Just picture a yellow, flashing light, and God’s trying to get your attention. And then golden goals, if we’re like pulling together in the same direction, it is going to be a higher calling than just my happiness, than just, you know, one of our personal happiness and fulfillment. If we’re pulling together for a cause and a reason-
Jim: So, golden goals is not retirement fund.
Pam: No, no.
Jim: (laughing)
Pam: It’s like-
Jim: Like down there.
John: (laughs)
Pam: … every day.
Jim: In our golden-
John: Yeah.
Jim: … years.
John: (laughs)
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: We’re gonna have-
Pam: Let’s pull together every day.
Jim: So, these are golden opportunities.
Pam: Yes, exactly.
Jim: Yeah, okay.
Pam: And then, lastly, the E in marriage is expressing yourself, finding those uniquenesses in your spouse, and applauding and running alongside those uniquenesses, and working those uniquenesses into your, um, marriage and family so that everybody’s stronger and healthier.
Jim: Okay, so I’ll… Let me pick some of these apart. We’ll see now.
Pam: (laughs)
Bill: Yeah, I’ll do it.
Jim: Mystery of love.
Bill: Mm-hmm.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: You know Charlie Brown.
Bill: Yes.
Jim: What I’m hearing with-
Bill: (laughs)
Jim: … that is, “Wah wah-
Pam: (laughs)
Jim: … wah.” (Laughing) Mystery of love, Bill, what does-
Bill: The…
Jim: … that mean?
Bill: The key is y-
Jim: (laughs)
Bill: I mean, it, it’s actually not that complicated. It’s accepting the fact you married somebody different than you.
Jim: Okay.
Bill: Okay, you marry what-
Jim: So, that is the mystery.
Bill: You marry what-
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Bill: … you don’t have.
Pam: Yeah.
Bill: And because you don’t have it, you’re always, y- you’re always trying to figure it out. It’s why Romans 15:7 says, “Accept one another just as Christ accepted you.” It doesn’t say understand each other. It says accept.
And I’ve been watching Pam for 45 years. I, I’m still waiting for the day that I can say I fully understand her.
Pam: (laughs)
Bill: But I, I still marvel at her. She responds in ways that I could never respond.
Jim: That’s good.
Bill: Yeah. She gets excited with our grandkids in a way I could never do. She has this very creative side to her that’s fun to be around, but hard to imitate. And the mystery of love is just accepting the fact that I married what I don’t have, and I need to stay curious for the rest of my life.
Pam: And I married what I don’t have in that, you know, if I really take advantage of the concept that God wants Bill to succeed, then I see this amazing pastor. And he is so godly, and he’s a wise father because he’s fathering our kids, um, differently and better than the dad that he h- had growing up. And, so it helps you see. If you step into that mystery, it helps you see your spouse from God’s point of view.
Jim: Oh, yeah. Affection… Uh, now I’m thinking we need to unpack each of these-
Bill: Oh. (laughing)
Jim: … because they’re all so good.
John: (laughs)
Bill: They are.
Jim: So you got-
Bill: Yeah.
Jim: … M. Affection we covered a bit yesterday, but let me-
Pam: Right.
Jim: We didn’t ask it this way, Pam. (laughs) Men and women are gonna see that maybe a little differently.
Pam: Oh, for sure.
Jim: Affection-
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: … that sounds awesome. Let’s get-
Pam: That’s why-
Jim: Let’s get intimate.
Pam: … you see it in, uh, in there actually twice. The A for affection means like the overall kindness and niceness and gentleness that’s in a marriage. And then the, um, intimacy is like the guys like enjoying red-hot monogamy, but actually it’s a gift that God gave both men and women, um, it, that intimacy.
Bill: Okay. Yeah.
Jim: Okay, we’re not gonna cover all of marriage, but I do think, too, that I want to-
Bill: (laughs)
Jim: … hit because it, they’re so critical, resolving conflict.
Bill: Yeah.
Jim: I mean, that, that’s like, you-
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: … got to know how to do that-
Bill: Yeah.
Jim: … to survive.
Pam: Yeah.
Bill: It-
Jim: Yeah, let’s hit that one.
Pam: And activating alarms kinda goes with that.
Jim: Uh-huh.
Pam: Is that God loves your marriage so much that He wants to get your attention when there’s gonna be some conflict or there is some conflict that needs resolved. Like, we were in a, um, hotel, and we were fast asleep. And all of a sudden the lights came on automatically, the phone was ringing, there was buzzers going off, and we’re hear- we’re hearing firemen knocking on all the doors, “Fire! Fire! Fire!” Like, you could not ignore those alarms.
Jim: (laughs)
Bill: Uh-huh.
Pam: They were, like, so apparent. And that’s the same in, in a relationship. Sometimes there’s toxic-
Bill: But…
Pam: … things going on-
Bill: But, but the problem was not in our room.
Pam: Right.
Bill: The problem was in a, a storage room where a fire had broke out.
Jim: Hmm.
Bill: And even though the alarm was going off and interrupting our life, the problem was not with us.
Pam: So, sometimes it’s circumstances-
Bill: Right.
Jim: Hmm.
Pam: … that are difficult. Like, let’s say my cancer, that’s not a part. Like, that wa- entered into our, um, marriage.
Bill: Mm-hmm.
Pam: Um, but sometimes it is things from your past. And there are alarms that are going off, and God is saying, “Pam, you need to address this, like, father thing. Um, your dad was not a good dad, but I’m a great heavenly father, so let’s heal your heart. Bill, you know, you need to address, uh, this mom thing. Yeah. Your mom was, like, she struggled with fear.”
Bill: Ru- completely run by fear and very controlling.
Pam: “And I don’t want you to-
Bill: Yeah.
Pam: … run by fear, and I don’t want your marriage to run by fear.” So, there’re areas of growth that God’s pointing out for the benefit of the marriage, for the benefit of the family. And when those alarms go off, that is definitely the time to pick up the phone, call Focus on the Family, get to-
Jim: (laughs)
Pam: … one of those conferences, and, you know, make a counseling appointment. Bill does, um, he does a lot of relationship, um, coaching through the, um, Zoom now, too. And, you know, uh, reach out to the marriage that you think is the strongest in your world, in your church, and just say, “Can we have some coffee? Can we just get together?” And it’s amazing what one friend can help another friend do and move forward-
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Pam: … in their marriage, if you ask.
Jim: Yeah, we’re actually doing Marriage 911, which is developing mentors within churches. So-
Bill: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … that’s something that you can call us and-
John: Yeah.
Jim: … we’ll tell you all about it.
John: Mm-hmm. Yeah, we’ve-
Pam: Volunteer.
John: … got details. Uh, you can call 800-A-FAMILY or stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Jim: Bill, there’s got to be more to resolving conflict.
Bill: So, you know, in regards to resolving conflict, one of the things we encourage all couples to do is make a series of decisions about how you’re gonna face conflict. ‘Cause conflict’s normal in marriage. You, you have an incredible amount of influence on each other, and often things you do, they just get to you. Like, I know there’s, there’s two looks that Pam gets, one of the looks I love.
Pam: (laughs)
Bill: (laughing) And when she looks at me with that look, I’m like, “I’ll do it. I’ll ru- I’ll run through a brick building for that look.” And then there’s this other look-
Pam: (laughs)
Bill: … that just like pierces the heart and slices and dices. And nobody else on earth can do that. So, conflict in marriage, it is normal. The problem with conflict is it’s almost completely emotionally based.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Bill: You, you very seldom enter a conflict because, “Well, I’ve been thinking about something,” and then you get upset about it. No, you get, you get upset ’cause it emotionally stirred you up. And the thing I wish somebody had told me earlier in marriage is that our emotions follow our decisions. So, if you decide how you’re going to face conflict, it, it helps you. You, you harness all the emotional energy, and you use it for yourself rather than just cause damage with it.
Pam: And so a conflict covenant, um, a conflict commitment, that is a excellent place to start. Like, “I promise not to run over you with the truck,” is a good thing, you know, to have in that conflict covenant. (laughs) Um, “I’m no-… The words, I’m gonna throw the word divorce out. I’m not gonna use it anymore. I’m not gonna swear at you. I’m not gonna hit you,” you know, th- basics should be in there. But also, like, where will you go? Who will you go to when you’re in conflict, uh, that can’t be resolved? And, like, what are the healthy words? What are the healthy choices to-
Bill: Yeah.
Pam: … make when we don’t see eye to eye?
Bill: And Pam and I, w- we actually decided we’re gonna follow, get a, a system. When we have to have a, a conflict with each other, we’re actually gonna follow a step-by-step system. Because we both grew up in crazy homes, so i- if we, if we just do it spontaneously, we can revert to some of the old habits-
Pam: Make…
Bill: … we grew up around.
Pam: Like, conflict can-
Bill: So…
Pam: … build you or it can tear your marriage apart.
Bill: So, we built our system around the word solve. The S is we’re gonna seek God together. So, before we have difficult conversations, we invite Jesus into the middle of it. And sometimes it’s a really smooth prayer, you know, like, “God, we need your help, and, you know, give us your words.” Sometimes it’s pretty raw.
Pam: Like, “I don’t really like the guy right now, so help me out God.”
Bill: Like, “God, if you don’t help us right now, we’re gonna have a bad day. So, like, come on-
Jim: (laughs)
Bill: … show up.”
Pam: Or something worse, yeah.
Bill: And then the O is for open the conversation, and that is just giving each other the opportunity to, to vent
Pam: Who wants to start first, basically.
Bill: Right. And some- sometimes we need something physical to hold onto, like a, a piece of a carpet.
Pam: Yeah.
Bill: You know? Like, it’s, “Okay, Pam, you got the floor,” and she’ll give me the floor. And as long as you’re holding the, the carpet, you get to talk. And we used to have a tennis ball that we would use, you know, the ball’s in your court, but-
Pam: I’m a little bit, uh-
Bill: Yeah.
Pam: … like, “The ball’s in your court!” Yeah, it could be dangerous.
Bill: Yeah. (laughing)
Jim: “Hey, throw it to me.”
Bill: A- and we let that process go until it calms. And as soon as it calms down, then we shift to the next one, which is look deeper. And we’re looking for the real issue.
Jim: Hmm.
Bill: Like, what I’ve noticed in working with couples is couples argue and argue, but they never, they never get to the real issue, and so they don’t solve anything. They just unload a bunch of emotion, and then they go their separate ways. And I can tell you, for me, if I’m in conflict with Pam, and it’s ’cause I caused it, it’s usually because I feel left out. And that comes from being the youngest in my family who didn’t get taken seriously and having a very controlling mom.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Bill: So, I feel like I got left out of a lot of decisions in my life growing up. And when Pam leaves me out of a decision, I get frustrated.
Jim: Hmm.
Bill: And, so the… It… That’s almost always the issue if I’ve caused it.
Jim: Yeah.
Bill: And then the, the two others are verify options. Like, there’s always ways to approach a problem.
Pam: Let’s like brainstorm, bring all kinds of ideas.
Bill: And we get stuck on… Often, we get stuck on two, and we fight for who’s right. So, we look for options. And then finally the E is we evolve to the answer ’cause some things in life you can’t solve. Like, if you have a s- a special needs child, you don’t solve it. Um, you know, in the journey we’ve been through going through chemo, you endure it. You don’t solve it.
Jim: You get through it.
Bill: You just have to get through it.
Pam: You get through it.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Bill: So, sometimes you have to evolve into the answer and remember, we don’t have an answer, but we have each other.
Pam: And we have a God who loves us.
Bill: And the strength is in our connection.
Jim: So, activating alarms, i- you know, it’s catching my attention. You’ve talked about how you process and problem solve. Um…
Bill: Mm-hmm.
Jim: I did like, in the book, you talked about that interrupted m- motivation.
Bill: Right.
Jim: Money is usually a battle zone.
Pam: (laughs)
Jim: So I was gonna ask you, originally (laughs).
Pam: Usually? Like-
Jim: Give…
Pam: … always. (laughing)
Jim: Give me an example of where you didn’t r- run that smoothly between the two of you, didn’t get to that end result. I would think, at times, money, for most couples, is gonna be an issue.
Bill: We, we actually have two like-
Jim: Common?
Bill: … painful, but now funny-
Pam: (laughs)
Bill: … stories-
Jim: (laughs)
Bill: … that we went through financially. One, one involved a move Pam made, and another one involved a pa- a move that I made. And the first one-
Jim: How even.
Bill: Yeah. Yeah. So, the first one was Pam came home from a conference that she had gone to when she was-
Pam: Oh, yeah.
Bill: … when she was young, (laughing) when she was wanting to be a writer. And-
Pam: An entrepreneur, right.
Bill: And-
Pam: Yeah.
Bill: … she went to a conference on how to become a writer, and she came home with an announcement.
Pam: Like, uh, it really-
Bill: (laughs)
Pam: … was like I just spent this amount of money-
Bill: (laughs)
Pam: … and it was more money than we had agreed upon that you could spend independently.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Pam: And, so I walked in and I said, “I’m gonna tell you something-
Bill: (laughs)
Pam: … and you’re not gonna like it.”
Bill: Oh, my gosh. (laughs)
Pam: But I need you to say-
Jim: Jean and I.
Pam: … ‘I love you’-
Bill: (laughs)
Pam: … and we’ll get through this together.” And, so-
Bill: (laughs)
Pam: … then I shared my-
Bill: (laughs)
Pam: … magic bean story, and, um, Bill replied with-
Bill: And through gritted teeth-
Pam: (laughs)
Bill: … I said, “I love you, and we’re going to get through this together.” (laughs)
Pam: And, so-
Bill: (laughs)
Pam: … he, like, was very kind to me, even though I had-
Bill: (laughs)
Pam: … like, w- well overspent what was available, and, um, on something that did not work to move, um, anything forward in my particular, you know, writing, speaking.
Bill: Uh, yeah, then dial it forward-
Pam: Yeah-
Bill: … we…
Pam: … 10 years later…
Bill: We-
Pam: Okay, 10 years later, Bill-
Bill: Well, we, we got a, a small inheritance from Pam’s dad who’d passed away, and I found this investment opportunity that I thought was gonna be really-
Jim: Sure thing.
Bill: … effective for us.
Pam: So I, like-
Bill: It was a sure thing.
Pam: … s- “Okay, honey, you run with it.” And then we found out-
Bill: For-
Pam: … oh-
Bill: f-
Pam: … we totally, you know, made off kind of-
Bill: Like…
Pam: … you know, bad. It was bad.
Bill: … fortunately, I didn’t take the whole inheritance. I only-
Pam: Yeah.
Bill: … took part of it.
Pam: Yeah.
Bill: And it produced nothing.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: It lost-
Jim: Hmm.
Pam: … all that money. And Bill came to me, and he said, “I’m gonna tell you something, and you’re not gonna like it, but I need you to say, ‘I love you, and we’ll get through this together.'”
Jim: Hmm.
Pam: And, so even though there were more zeros, I… Ho- honestly, I started laughing. I’m like, “You loved me through my magic bean story.”
Bill: Right.
Pam: “If this is what it takes to love you, it is well worth every one of those dollars.” (laughs)
Bill: Yeah. So, that was kind of our introduction to why the alarms go off in finances, because often in marriage the alarm does go off when we’re dealing with money. And the reason for it is we all express who we are in the way we handle money.
Pam: Yeah.
Bill: Because even Jesus said, “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also?”
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Bill: So, we’re all emotionally attached to money, and we express who we are. And there’s four basic ways that people approach money in expressing who they are. There is the decision maker. The decision maker is that person who, they’ve got a mission, and they want control of the decisions that are tied to that mission in life. And as long as they can make the decision, they’re fine. So, they will set goals financially, and they will make the decision. Sometimes they check in with their spouse. Sometimes they just announce the decision.
Jim: Hmm.
Bill: And when a decision’s been made for you, you will emotionally react, so conflict jumps up in the marriage because of this decision that was made. Might be a great decision, but because it wasn’t consulted-
Jim: No process.
Bill: … it, yeah, it creates turmoil. Mm-hmm.
Pam: And then the second is the inspirer, and that’s the person-
Bill: Those are the people who go to the conference and see a magic opportunity and commit to it.
Pam: Or-
Bill: (laughs)
Pam: … they like want to buy-
Jim: For example. (laughs)
Pam: … every daughter-in-law a spa package every Christmas-
John: Yeah.
Pam: … you know.
Bill: (laughs)
Pam: And, uh, like, I make decisions, uh, based on my hard work. I wanna spend it on my grandkids, you know. It’s all relationship driven.
Bill: Right. And if you don’t budget for it, they will find a way to spend it anyway. So, what happens, it doesn’t show up in the budget, it gets spent, and then the other spouse is upset about it.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Bill: The third approach is the peacekeeper. And the peacekeeper is the one that wants every… They want money to be a non-issue.
Jim: Yeah.
Bill: I want our, our re-
Jim: No conflict.
Pam: Yes.
Bill: Yeah, I just want it to be so simple, so automatic, so direct that it doesn’t cause a problem. And when things get complicated and it causes a problem, they feel like they’ve lost their footing in life. And, and they seek to get the equilibrium back, and they usually do it by trying to shut everybody down.
Jim: That’s-
Bill: That’s…
Jim: … peacekeeper.
Bill: That’s the-
Jim: Yeah.
Bill: … peacekeeper.
Jim: Okay, got it.
Pam: And there’s the policymaker.
Jim: I li-
Bill: Yeah, that-
Jim: I think this one, I, I, I’m-
Pam: (laughs)
Jim: … familiar with this one.
Bill: (laughs)
Pam: This one-
Jim: The policy holder.
Bill: (laughs)
Pam: Yeah. This one is the, tends to be the person that actually writes the family budget, you know?
Jim: Right.
Pam: With like-
Bill: (laughs)
Pam: … the spreadsheet and everything. And, and if you don’t go along with the family budget, it’s not like you overspent.
Bill: Uh, well, hold, hold that thought-
Pam: Yeah.
Bill: … because I want you to get back to that. ‘Cause what the policy holder does is they set up a system, and everything needs to fit in the system. And the way they think is, if it fits the system, it’s right, if it doesn’t fit the system, it’s wrong.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Bill: That’s how they think. Now whether their system is accurate or not is almost immaterial. It’s their system, and they want everything to fit in the system.
Jim: Let’s talk about goal setting in the last couple of minutes. There’s… We’re down to the… You know, people are gonna have to get the book, John-
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … because we-
Bill: (laughs)
Jim: … weren’t able to cover everything.
Bill: Right. (laughs)
Jim: But goal setting-
Bill: Huh.
Jim: … as a couple can be either, like you just said, it could be a great blessing or (laughs) a great tragedy.
Bill: Yeah.
Jim: Um, how do you go-
Bill: Yeah.
Jim: … about the goal setting?
Bill: First, let me say, I’ll let Pam du- jump in, but let me just, first of all, say the, the purpose of setting goals is to stay in motion. ‘Cause Proverbs 16:9 says, “In his heart, a man makes his plans, but the Lord directs his steps.”
Jim: Yeah.
Bill: So, God’s gonna get your marriage where He wants it to go. You don’t have to figure it all out ahead of time, but what goals do is it keeps you moving. It keeps you out of the boring routine of life, “Oh, I got married so I could clean the house, take care of the garage, mow the lawn, go to work, uh, chase kids. And that’s, that’s all my life is.” Goals gives you motion, so you’re heading somewhere-
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Bill: … so God can steer you as a couple. So, when you… The better you get at setting goals as a couple, the more you have the sense of, “We’re on mission together, and we’re making decisions together.” And couples who make decisions together, they create a, a, an emotional environment between the two of them that’s cooperative and softer.
Pam: And, and it gives you a, a bigger reason to work hard at your marriage. And when you have goals that you’re pulling in the same direction together, it gives you reason to hang in there together. And, so one of the first questions to ask is, why did God bring us together? I mean, it’s obvious, like now, as we look back, God brought us together as college students. Oh, I fell in love with this man who had on his Bible, like imprinted-
Bill: That, that I may know him out of Philippians Chapter 3.
Jim: Hmm.
Pam: And I’m like, “I know that whole verse.” Like, “He really does want to know God. It’s on-
Bill: Yep.
Pam: … on his Bible. And he’s, like, worn one Bible out and had to have it recovered.” So, I love that. Um, and the guy drives a blue Vega with a green back door, and he owns two pairs of pants, and one has a rip in the knee? Yeah, didn’t marry him for-
Bill: Pretty impressive.
Pam: … his money.
Bill: (laughs)
Pam: So, that’s not the reason that God brought us together. Oh, I have like a huge dysfunction, uh, on my side, he has huge dysfunction, and God wants to use our marriage as a picture of hope that, “If Pam and Bill can make it through crazy, uh, then maybe we can make it through crazy.”
Bill: Yeah.
Pam: And, so anytime we’re hitting a marriage hiccup, we then go back to that, and we say, “Okay, how can we, right now, make our marriage a picture of hope? What do we need to add? What ingredient, what person-
Bill: Yeah.
Pam: … what methodology, what book, what resource do we need to add so that we gain hope, but others find hope in our relationship?”
Jim: Yeah, it’s so good, I’m gonna, for the last question, just kind of rolls right out of that which is great, the, the difference that Jesus makes in a marriage-
Bill: Hmm.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … and the importance of that. So, you know, some people listening or watching may not have made that commitment, or they’re marginal on that commitment. So, when you make the Lord the foundation of your relationship, for example, Jean and I often will say, especially if we have, um, a disagreement… I won’t use argument-
Bill: Mm-hmm. (laughs)
Jim: … but when we have a-
Pam: (laughs)
Jim: … basically, an argument-
Bill: Huh.
Jim: … um, if we are in that spot where we’re reminding one another that our core foundation is our commitment-
Bill: Yeah.
Jim: … to Christ even before each other, that really does help solve some of the conflict we’re experiencing. And we then, now, exhibit some of the fruit of the spirit, right?
Pam: Yes, exactly.
Jim: … to be a little more generous, a little kinder, and, uh, in the relationship. So, speak to the importance of that as we end today’s program.
Pam: We have simple life-giving messages that we choose to say when we’re in conflict. Like, um, we won’t leave each other’s presence to drive some place or speak some place separately until we have said something that sounds like, “Okay, I’m gonna hug you. I’d rather experience this stress with you than to be on a sunny beach in Hawaii.” You know, so we put, “I’d rather be here with you, even though this is hard,” we put that in.
And we put that in because God is an overcomer, and it reminds-
Jim: Hmm.
Pam: … us that-
John: Wow.
Pam: … n- there is no problem that is too big that God cannot send an answer for. He is the creator God. He can create a way forward for you and for me.
Bill: Well, and Jim, I appreciate you asking this question ’cause it’s really personal to me. Like, I, I grew up in a home that I did not want to repeat. And at 16 years old, I started a personal relationship with Jesus. And I started that relationship because I’d seen the movie, The Exorcist, and it scared me.
Jim: (laughs) Yeah, right.
John: Oh my goodness.
Bill: So I started reading the Bible.
Jim: That’s (laughs) smart.
Bill: Okay. So I came to know Christ because I wanted s- I wanted protection from what I’d seen. What I didn’t count on is that God put resources inside of me, when I trusted Christ, that I didn’t know were coming with the package. I just didn’t wanna be afraid. And the Bible talks about God shedding His love in our hearts. And, and I felt it happen. Like the day after I, I prayed to receive Christ, I woke up, and I went, “Something’s different. I gotta go figure out what this different thing is.” And what I discovered is that when you receive Christ as your Savior, the Holy Spirit takes residence inside of you, and He brings His power, and He brings His love. So, when I look at Pam, I don’t just ask the question, “How can I love Pam?” I ask the question, “How can God love Pam through me?” because that’s available to me now.
Jim: It’s really good.
Bill: And, and I remember the day I got tired of people telling me that Jesus is a crutch for weak people.
Jim: Yeah. (laughs)
Bill: I just had enough, and I went-
Jim: (laughs)
Bill: … “You don’t know Him, do you?”
Jim: (laughs)
Pam: You don’t know my Jesus.
Bill: And the guy went, “What, what do you mean?” I go, “If you’d met the Jesus that I met, you might say it’s like getting on a motorcycle with a crazy driver, and you gotta hang on for your life ’cause He’s taking you faster and farther to, to places that you would never go on your own. Now, if you’d said that to me, I’d say you met Jesus. But this crutch for weak people, that’s not the Jesus I met.
Jim: Wow, that’s good.
Bill: Yeah, He brought strength and power and love into my life so that I can love people-
Jim: Hmm.
Bill: … who I have reasons not to love, and I have a deeper love for Pam than I thought was even possible. And I just came to Jesus ’cause I didn’t wanna be afraid. I didn’t realize all the resources He was bringing to my life that makes relationships better.
Jim: Now-
Pam: And Jim mentioned, uh, earlier, that we try to get to the, uh, fruit of the spirit. And I think that is one of the key things that, when we’re in conflict, we naturally now pray, “What fruit of the spirit needs to happen here?”
Jim: (laughs)
Pam: “Now, what am I seeing? I’m seeing, uh, Bill’s anxious. Oh, peace. That’s a fruit of the spirit. I could try to bring peace right now.” Um, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithless, self-control, all those things are available to us, and all of the names that Jesus said He is. “I’m the way, the truth and the life. I’m the bread of life. I’m the light. I’m the life. I’m love.” God is love. That’s our verse, I John 4:19. We sign every book. God is love.
Bill: And we love because He first loved us.
Pam: I John-
Jim: Amen.
Pam: … 4:19.
Jim: Well, that’s a good place to end today. Thank you so much for being with us. Great content.
Bill: Thank you. Mm-hmm.
Jim: Wonderful book, The Secret Language of Successful Couples. And uh, we have covered some of it, but there’s so much more, so get a copy. Uh, as we often do, send a gift of any amount, we’ll send you a copy of the book to say thank you for joining us in ministry. You know, last year we helped 170,000 couples, 170,000-
Bill: Woo-hoo.
Jim: … couples through a marital crisis.
Pam: That’s amazing.
Jim: So, when I say we, that’s you guys too, doing-
Bill: Sure.
Jim: … broadcasts and podcasts and other content.
Bill: Mm-hmm.
Jim: So with our great guests that we’re able to have here on the radio program and the podcasts, the different ways we use this content, that’s what touches a person’s life. So, we’re all in this together. Be part of the team. If you can donate on a monthly basis-
Bill: Hmm.
Jim: … which is how Jean and I support focus. John, you and Dena do that.
John: We do too. Yes.
Pam: We do. The Farrels do.
Jim: Let-… Yeah, the Farrels do. I mean we’ve got like 50,000 couples that are supporting the ministry that way, but what a, what a time to make it 100,000 couples.
John: Mm-hmm.
Jim: … because we can reach so many-
Bill: Yep. Right, yeah.
Jim: … more people, and help so many more couples.
Bill: Yeah.
Pam: And we, we were one of those couples. One of the-
Jim: (laughs)
Pam: … golden goals when we first got married is we’re gonna listen to Focus on the Family every day together.
Jim: Aw, that’s so good.
Pam: And we have done that for decades now.
Jim: That’s great.
Pam: So, that, uh, all of that your supporters have given-
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: … uh, helped us on our side, too.
Jim: Oh, that’s good.
John: Hmm, I love that. And, uh, we invite you to be part of the team. Uh, make a monthly pledge as you can, or a one-time gift of any amount. And we will say thank you for joining the support team, uh, enabling us to do shows like this and provide so many resources.
Jim: Yep.
John: Uh, we’ll send the book, The Secret Language of Successful Couples to you as our thank you gift. Donate today when you call 800 the letter A and the word FAMILY, or you can donate at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. And on behalf of the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller, inviting you back as we, once again, help you and your family thrive in Christ.
